Chapter 1, Part 1: From Princess to Queen

Women are of no value as my child. If you were born as a man…”

The first princess of the country Solaris, Lucienne, had been brought up by her father, Glenn, who had said so before she was even aware of the meaning.

“I wanted to be a man too.”

Whenever Lucienne was accused of being a woman by her father, she thought so rebelliously in her heart. With a younger brother she would never have had to think such a thing. It’s sad that a woman can’t accept herself, but it’s better not to say it in words every time as the accusations did not stop. Because Glenn only has Lucienne as his child.

His beloved queen, Antoine, died within a few days after the birth of Lucienne. Glenn then welcomed three concubines to make a successor, but no child was born. He was in bed with an epidemic for 2 weeks with a high fever whilst the queen was pregnant with Lucienne. It is said that men who have this epidemic often do not have children due to the after-effects of the fever. After Lucienne, he couldn’t have a child. Only a few people in the castle knew about it and it was forbidden to talk about. Lucienne was unaware of this as Glenn didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t have another child. He desperately tried to have his concubines give birth but he couldn’t make a child with anyone. However, because he could not make a child with anyone, he directed his frustrations at Lucienne who could not become a man no matter how hard she tried. In addition to studying as a princess, she studied everything that a crown prince was expected to know. There was no teacher but there were many materials in the library. Lucienne gathered them up and memorised them while reading. Studying in this way, she felt that her sadness and pain could be eased. But the emptiness seemed to get stronger and stronger.

“Even if I do this, I cannot be a man. I cannot become king…”

The more I knew about the country, the more I became interested in becoming a king. But a woman cannot be a king however wants. One day, when my brother is born, my brother will be named the heir. The more I study, the emptier I feel and this emptiness is filled with more devotion to studying. However, I feel empty again and again. Once, when I was carrying a book from the library to my room, as usual, I ran into Glenn in the corridor. Surprised, I dropped the book and it touched his eyes.

“Why are you reading this book?”

“I want to read it…”

“This book is only read by princes. You don’t need it.”

“But I want to study…”

“What will studying as a prince bring? It’s a waste of time. You can’t behave like a princess, can you afford to study as a prince?”

Glenn sighs disgustedly as he sharply cursed Lucienne who was frightened. The child that Antoine gave birth to was a woman…a daughter like this.

“I still don’t want to believe it. Isn’t it embarrassing enough that you killed your own mother and that you were born as a woman at that?”

Seeing that Lucienne was unable to respond, Glenn continued with even more painful words.

“I wouldn’t have suffered so much if you were born as a man. Do you intend to disagree?”

“…I was wrong…that I’m like that…was. But I didn’t think it would make you angry.”

From the deep eyes of Lucienne, big drops of tears spilled over.

“Women cry immediately.”

Glenn sighed, kicking the book away from her reach.

I felt like I was kicked in the heart, my chest was so painful. It’s a bad thing to cry. Boys don’t cry. From them on, Lucienne decided not to cry, neither in private nor in public, no matter how sad she was. If she felt like crying, she pinched her thighs over her dress so that she would be distracted by the pain.

Her sadness increased. Even knowing she was hated by Glenn, Lucienne didn’t stop studying like a prince.

“Father, I want you to like me. I want you to acknowledge my existence. Then I can stop studying to become a prince. Maybe if I continue, I will get compliments one day. I can escape from sadness whilst studying to be better.”

A young Lucienne devoted herself to studying whenever she was hit coldly by her father.

During the spring of my eighth year, my knight resigned and so, a new knight came.

“Hello Lucienne, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Eric Valier.”

A young man, who had just turned 20, addressed her with a sophistic atmosphere. Eric’s armour highlighted his muscular body. His beautiful silver hair, which shone like the light of the moon, was cut short so that it wouldn’t disturb him in battle. He was so tall that I had to raise my head to look at his face even when he was on his knees. His eyes were a deep purple like a mysteriously beautiful amethyst. Defined eyebrows, a slim nose and well-shaped lips. He looked more like a prince than a knight.

“First I was the knight commander before I became a holy knight. From now, I will be Princess Lucienne’s knight”

“I am your Knight now so I can protect you, Princess Lucienne. Thank you.”

A knight who serves the royal family is given the special rank of ‘holy knight,’ the most prestigious level a knight can be.

“Hello Eric, it’s nice to meet you.”

Eric kisses the back of her outstretched hand as a sign of his loyalty. He has great respect for Glenn, the renowned king. That is why the previous knight also wanted to be her knight.

“If you find out that the king’s daughter is a girl like me, you may be disappointed.”

Not only her father but other people were also disappointed with her. Lucienne felt that from birth she was a complete disappointment. At one point she accidentally overheard her previous knight’s desire to be Glenn’s knight as he lamented the fact that he had to serve the princess.

I felt someone’s eyes on me, but my heart beat faster and I started to sweat. At night, I feel the most comfortable when I am in bed alone, and even then I can’t sleep easily. At that time, I was distracted by studying to become a prince. In the mornings I wished that I had become a boy when I could sleep…

“Lucienne I have it.”

“It’s ok, that’s it.”

“No, please let me.”

“Thank you. Then please.”

At the library, Eric picks up the book that she wants so she can study to become a prince.

“They’re heavy to carry on my own and a few books are the limit, but I can borrow a little more with your help.”

“I’m glad. Even so, those are a lot of books and they’re difficult… isn’t it for you, Lucienne?”

“Yeah I want to study to be a prince.”

Eric’s eyes widen. Was it really strange for me to study to become a prince even though I’m a princess?

“Really? You’re not only studying as a princess but also as a prince… I’m glad to see that you are so studious.”

He smiles as he admires her. It was an unexpected reaction. Others either asked her to change or they didn’t know why she did it.

“Don’t you think it’s weird?”

“Why?”

“Even if you ask me why…”

When Lucienne couldn’t answer, Eric knelt down and looked at her.

“I respect you as a student.”

He had straight-forward and honest eyes. His words were without lies and her heart warmed. For the first time, Eric found my favour.

“Thank you.”

“When I was your age, I didn’t feel like studying voluntarily. I was always wondering how to avoid studying.”

“That’s surprising.”

“Yes, it is because I was the heir to the Duke of Valier that my father often forced me to study hard.”

“Well.”

Even though he had a lot of respect for Glenn, my father, Eric still treated me normally. I enjoyed talking to him so I started talking to him a lot. He talked of knight schools and knights, events within the border and events in other countries. All his stories were so interesting and I was desperate to hear more! Being alone is calming but spending time with Eric was so much fun that I preferred to spend my time with him, rather than being alone. Up until now, it seems like my chest was always tight and it was hard to breathe, but after I met him, it seemed a little lighter.

“The sight of you offends me. Don’t come into my sight!”

As Lucienne grew, Glenn’s wrath grew stronger. He cursed at her just as they were passing each other in the corridor. Eric, who was worried by the scene, looked on in disbelief. Thanks to his allegation that Glenn was being too harsh, Glenn could only treat her with a cold attitude but he couldn’t speak out cruel words anymore. Even though it might put Eric in a bad position, I was very happy that he sheltered me. Glenn was cold and oppressive, but luckily, Eric wasn’t punished for his kindness.

“Thanks Eric but you don’t have to protect me anymore.”

Lucienne started talking when she and Eric were left alone.

“Why?”

“It was fine this time but I don’t know what would happen if this happened again. I don’t want Eric to be in trouble. It would be a lot sadder than my father yelling at me…”

“Lucienne…”

“I’m the bad guy because I wasn’t born as a boy. I was born as a girl and I killed my mother…”

I started to cry so I pinched my thigh over my dress.

“Neither of those are your fault. Gender can only be decided by God and childbirth is life-threatening. It’s because a mother loves a child that she gives birth to it.”

He faces her.

“Antoine-sama gave birth to Lucienne even though she could die because you are very important to her.”

Eric knelt down and put his hands on her shoulder whilst arguing.

“Really?”

“Yes, you couldn’t choose.”

“I didn’t kill my mother,” Lucienne spoke with a high quiver.

“Lucienne didn’t kill Antoine-sama?”

Eric affirmed immediately after Lucienne asked the dreaded question.

It was not my fault that my mother died… Something that had been stuck in my chest for a long time seemed to melt. My eyes become hot against my wishes as they fill with tears. Lucienne tried to pinch her thighs harder but she couldn’t pinch them properly through her dress. Eric notices this eccentricity and grabs her small hand to pull it off her thigh.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m pinching my thighs.”

“I can see that. I’m asking why you’re pinching them.”

“It stops me from crying. So I need to pinch myself.”

Eric wouldn’t let go.

“Ah…”

Lucienne’s eyes, which had dried up, moistened again as large tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Women cry immediately.”

Remembering Glenn’s words, her chest becomes painful.

“I’m crying…please release my hands…I have to stop crying quickly…”

“There are no people here right now so you can cry as much as you want.”

“No…”

“Why not?”

“Because my dad says that girls cry too easily… isn’t it bad to cry? If I were a boy I could endure it…”

I wanted to stop crying but more and more tears fell down. They didn’t seem to stop at all.

“It’s not wrong to cry and if they’re sad, even a man will cry.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I cry in front of people I trust or when I’m alone. Therefore, Lucienne doesn’t have to pinch her thighs to avoid crying. I’m the only one here.”

It wasn’t bad to cry. This surprised Lucienne and rather than saying anything, he stroked her honey-coloured hair with his big hand. Her heart felt as warm as a garden in spring. Lucienne covered her face with both hands, hiccuping as large tears dropped from her eyes.

Eric gently hugged me and rubbed my back. This is the first time someone hugged me. Oh, how warm it is to be hugged by someone. I can cry when I’m alone or with someone I can trust. Even though I was a princess, the only person I could trust was Eric.

“Promise me that you won’t hold your tears back anymore?”

“If Eric promises not to protect me.”

“It is so like Lucienne to be able to issue exchange conditions.”

“Promise me?”

“Zensho shimasu (TN- Literally it translates to- “I will take proper measures.” But, its hidden meaning is that it is a promise with no real commitment or meaning. Basically it’s the Japanese version of crossing your fingers behind your back when you lie whilst making a promise.) I didn’t understand the meaning of zensho but I thought it meant keeping my promise and I replied.

“I understand.”

At a later date, when Lucienne learned its meaning, she protested and tried to make Eric give her another promise.

But he said, “I’ve made a promise so I can’t withdraw it.”

After I gave my promise, I would cry until my eyes turned red and my heart felt refreshed. From that day she stopped trying to avoid crying by pinching her thighs when she was alone or with Eric.

Eight years have passed since then. For Lucienne, her favour towards Eric grew into love over the years. She was glad to be born a girl. Glenn still blamed her for her sex, but after she fell in love with Eric, she felt like she was happy to be a woman. However, she continued studying as a prince like usual.

Before, I couldn’t get around well because I would run into an angry Glenn. However, now I don’t have anymore run-ins with him so maybe Glenn won’t think that I was still studying like a prince.

“Lucienne, were you happy with this book?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Of course Eric is the co-worker. I searched the library in advance for a book that I would want to read and after that I would tell him the title and location of the book. He would then bring it to my room secretly. In fact, Eric is now famously known as a reader since he has been in and out of the library for a long time. No one seems to think that he is working at Lucienne’s disposal. With Eric getting her books, she no longer has to worry about confrontations with Glenn as neither he nor the servants will know. It was Eric who proposed this. He did his best to find various methods that would help Lucienne avoid dealing with Glenn. Thanks to that, the number of times she had to endure Glenn’s anger was greatly reduced.

“Take this as a reward.”

Lucienne picks up a book, while sitting on the sofa and hands a sweet scented package over to Eric.

“This is?”

“Do you like sweets and cookies? I made it with Carla’s help a while ago.”

Carla became Lucienne’s maid about a year ago. She was the daughter of a maid and a gardener and she was taught by her mother. She became attached to Lucienne during her first year of work. She has always admired Lucienne’s honey coloured hair every time she tied up Lucienne’s hair and would look into Lucienne’s eyes and praise her. Lucienne was happy with Carla as she was the same age and had a bright personality.

Eric was the first person that Lucienne got to know. Until I got to know him, I had low self-esteem and I thought that everyone despised me. That’s why I couldn’t give anyone my heart but Eric told me to respect myself and I gradually began to believe in others.

“I heard that Eric has great respect for my father. Do you really??”

“Yes I think he’s a wise man.”

“Why are you so different from me? I hate dad. Why?”

One year after meeting Eric, Lucienne decided to ask him this question when she was alone with him.

“I respect Glenn for political reasons and as his subject. However, his attitude towards you is despicable. I serve Lucienne because I respect Lucienne. It doesn’t matter how Glenn feels about you, right?”

“Is that so…?”

Lucienne made a sad face.

“Yes, yes… is it because you think you’re hated that you don’t get involved with other people?”

Eric continued to lecture me in a soft voice.

“One of the maids, Vera, thinks that I’m a pitiful man with no expression. Do you hate me because Vera does?”

“No! I love the gentle Eric! It doesn’t matter who hates you. Vera will surely see her misunderstanding when she gets to know you.”

Eric smiles softly when he sees Lucienne leaning forward and enthusiastically speaking.

“Thank you. That’s what I’m saying.”

“Eh…”

“If Glenn hates Lucienne, it doesn’t mean that everyone will hate you. They may not want to upset Glenn’s mood so they take a painful attitude towards you. However, there must be some who won’t.”

It was a shock.

“Since Glenn has a high position, no one can say he is… so I think it’s important to find someone you can trust and rely on.”

“I wonder if a child like me would bother you?”

“It’s ok. You are a wonderful person that I respect. Be confident, there is always someone who will respect you besides me.”

After that, Lucienne was able to find other people that she could trust.

I used to only be able to learn from books but now I have someone I can trust and rely on and a tutor I can secretly learn from. Eric receives the package of cookies and stares at them as if they would open up.

“Eric? What’s wrong? If you don’t like it, you don’t have to force yourself…”

“No, I don’t dislike it. I was happy so I looked carefully. Thank you.”

“That’s good. I hope it suits your taste.”

“Can I try it now?”

“Sure. Go ahead.”

After opening the package, Eric picks up a cookie and puts it in his mouth. Carla taught me well and I knew it was delicious because I tasted it but I was thrilled when Eric thought it was delicious.

“How is it?”

“It’s very delicious.”

“Really? I’m glad.”

Her chest lightened and Lucienne gave a sigh of relief. Hearing her, Eric’s lips raised.

“Eric is so expressive, I wonder why he’s said to be expressionless.”

I wondered later as I thought that Vera was just misunderstanding him but since he started interacting with other servants, he was expressionless towards them. Since then, there are many people who claim he lacks expressions.

“No, I have very few changes in facial expressions.”

“I don’t think so, I see you smile a lot.”

“It’s because I’m in front of Lucienne.”

“Did I force you to laugh? I’m sorry. I should have worried…”

“No, my expression only changes when I’m talking to Lucienne-sans. It’s not a matter of forcing myself.”

His soft smile made Lucienne’s heart pound.

“That’s right. I’m glad I didn’t worry about it.”

He smiled only when he was talking to me… It makes me feel like I’m special to Eric and my face got hot. When he looked into her eyes, she feels that he knows what she is thinking so she sways away.

“Lucienne, are your eyes red?”

“I wonder…”

“Were you studying late again?”

“I thought I’d do it for a while but I got caught up.”

Lucienne studied to become a prince so that Glenn would accept her as she was lost in sadness and loneliness. But now it is different. I became really interested and learned. The princess, Lucienne, cannot be crowned no matter how much she learns. Even knowing this, I couldn’t control my desire to learn.

“Staying up overnight is poisonous for the body. If you won’t promise me to sleep well, I will return the book I’ve brought you.”

Lucienne hurriedly grips onto the book so she can take it to the sofa.

“I will. I promise you”

I’m happy he didn’t notice. The red eyes aren’t just because I stayed up late. It was because I cried last night. Recently I have turned 16 so I am of marriageable age. My fiancé hasn’t been decided yet but they will be decided soon. It is customary to marry an heir of another country that will benefit Solaris. Of course I wouldn’t be allowed to marry a knight. I have to stop thinking of Eric. Just thinking about this makes my chest hurt.