Chapter 1 - There’s No ‘Me’ In Heaven

Translator: humu

Lying in the dewy grass field, Si Jie closed his eyes, enjoying this tranquil moment.

From a young age, his life had always been extremely dull, resembling the most ordinary mineral water. Even though it wasn’t the most flavourful, one would still try their best to drink it. It always felt as if once he fell apart, his soul would also follow accordingly and dissipate into the air.

Foolishly enough, there would always be someone to tell him: Once you experience death, you will go to Heaven.

Just what was this thing called ‘Heaven’? Was it really a paradise of fun and love, just like how people imagined it to be?! Forget it. So what if it was?

The gentle breeze that brushed past his body felt bitter and astringent. Spitting out the grass stalk in his mouth, Si Jie slowly walked towards his workplace, not even bothering about his outfit nor tidying up his appearance.

After graduation, Si Jie worked as a designer in a medium-sized company, since he had the talent for designing. His working hours were a regular 9 to 5. At work, he would be at his desk, writing and drawing. After work, he would return home, bathe and sleep. He had never taken the initiative to shine, yet based on the weak and faint starlight, he brightened up the entire night sky.

Exiting the lift, Si Jie silently went back to his very own office. The medium-sized office did not contain a single object that resembles a table. Instead, a huge bed that was placed on the side, near the French windows, was the most eye-catching feature of this room.

After removing his shoes, he sprawled on the bed. He felt around for a pencil and without even caring about the colour of it, he started to randomly draw on a white piece of paper.

Heaven should look something like this, right?

When he closed his eyes, a scene flashed in his mind. He immediately opened his eyes and started drawing out that scene on a piece of paper. He grabbed a colour pencil from the pile of pencils and started to add colours to the scene.

Gradually, the picture became richer and more detailed, but it was suddenly disturbed by a teardrop that fell, creating a wet circle.

That was strange. Even Si Jie himself didn’t understand. Putting down that pencil, he touched his face. It was warm, it was damp. He used a finger and rubbed his face, moved it towards his mouth and licked it. It was salty.

Did I just cry?!

Si Jie lifted up his head and in the French window, he saw that lovely and charming beauty. That pair of eyes that were like a spring flower, carrying watery tears in them, and reflected an endless amount of grief.

If one dies, one would go to Heaven.

Once again, this sentence resurfaced in his mind. Die?! Why did you have to die?! This fool! Why did you have to die?!

The pearl-like tears continuously kissed the paper. Sitting up, he covered his eyes with his hands, yet that couldn’t stop the tears from falling. The tears which escaped through the spaces between his fingers, acted as if they were celebrating the arrival of their freedom, each going to their own favourite destination.

When he went back that night, Si Jie didn’t turn on the lights. Since it was his own home, he was so familiar with it that he could even walk through it blindfolded without stumbling once. His hand was clutching a piece of paper. He held it so tightly, that he refused to even loosen his hand a little. Even if his journey home was full of judgement and fingers were pointing at him, he didn’t care, still unwilling to let it go.

Actually, he had never cared about something before.

Even his parent’s teary face would not make him sad. When it was New Year’s Day, he would just go home to visit at least once. It was good enough that his parents would express something along the lines of “reluctant to part”, so no need for him to do that.

There was a photo hanging in his room. It was a photo of him during High School. Even though there was not much difference between the current him and the High School self, he still thought that the picture looked really nice for some reason. So when hanging a photo up, he only chose this.

He finally opened up his hand that was grasping the paper. He opened up the drawer and stuffed it all the way at the bottom. Then he laid on the bed, without removing his clothes or shoes. Once sleep hit, he whispered a “good night” to the photo.

That person had a lively and vibrant smile, seemingly very blissful.

Time flew by quickly, and it was one year later. Si Jie was assigned by the company to go to Netherland’s branch company. In a country full of blooming tulips, Si Jie preferred to stroll in the outskirts of town, where the rotating windmills were. One person. An addition of one was too many and a subtraction of one was too few. All by his lonesome, he casually strolled around the place where the breezy winds carried the fresh scent of grass.

Not knowing the reason, Si Jie felt especially sorrowful today. On his way to the company, every street he walked on, he felt very emotional as he looked at every single person. Each person’s eyes were calm, full of desperation towards life, and disappointment towards themselves.

Obviously, he didn’t know them. Obviously, he wasn’t familiar with them.

If one dies, one would go to Heaven.

Who was it, just exactly who was it that was humming this sentence into his ears?

All of a sudden, he started to run wildly in the lobby. The elevator was down and was stuck at the top floor. He turned around and ran up the stairs. In one breath, he ran up 30 floors and didn’t even bother to catch his breath as he rushed straight into his own office.

In the moment after the door shut tightly behind him, Si Jie leaned against the doorframe and slid down. He buried his head in between his knees, tightly gripping them, and soundlessly weeped.

He really didn’t know why he acted this way. He constantly felt as if there was an endless stream of sorrow from deep within his heart, which constantly gushed outwards, flowing to every corner of his body.

For the entire day, Si Jie didn’t dare to step out of his office. At night in the Netherlands, the lights were dimmed and the hardworking citizens all yearned for the indulgence that the night brought, fondly recalling that unattainable relaxation.

The working hours of the company had long passed. Even the few who worked overtime, had all left. But no one noticed, that in a similarly pitch black office, a person sat on the ice cold ground. The slightest amount of lively lights from down below, shone through the French windows, and there was a desolate expression in the pupils that could be seen.

With the starless night sky, it felt especially lonely tonight.

And on such a night, it was guaranteed to be a sleepless night.

The next day, Si Jie walked out of the office with two swollen, peach-like eyes. The secretary that arrived early had a shock and just as she wanted to greet him, Si Jie nodded and left.

Strolling aimlessly on an interesting vintage street, the exquisite decorations almost immediately attracted Si Jie’s attention. He had originally wanted to look at it from afar, but he couldn’t control his footsteps and walked into a rather mysterious store.

Entering the store, the bell sounded, yet he couldn’t spot anyone. Even so, Si Jie continued to admire the store. An incense stick was lit, filling the air with the scent of a camphor tree, and it made people subconsciously relax. Everything on display definitely had some history behind it. Although he couldn’t see the year it was made nor its price, he could definitely tell that it was not cheap.

“Young man, it’s rare for you to come here and so we are considered to have some sort of fate. I can make a divination for you, of course, I won’t charge.” A Dutch person suddenly appeared out of nowhere in this mysterious store. Following the voice, Si Jie saw a woman sitting in the corner of the store.

Though faintly discernible, he could guess the estimated age of the woman.

If it was in the past, Si Jie would definitely turn away and leave. But this time, Si Jie actually sat in front of the woman and looked at her seriously.

“I want to know about my past.”

Si Jie started to have doubts about everything. He even started doubting if he, himself, was real. Those broken, fragmented scenes that regularly flashed through his mind, seemed to be what he truly cared about. He wanted to know the real truth.

The woman was astonished for a moment, then raised her eyes and finally looked at Si Jie properly.

In the end, the woman smiled. The beauty covered by a light veil, must be quite ecstatic .

“Wait for me.” Si Jie had seen the woman disappear right in front of his eyes. He stretched out his hand, as if to confirm that she was really gone. As expected, she wasn’t ordinary.

When he exited the store, Si Jie had learned the truth in its entirety.

The working hours had started. His phone had been constantly vibrating. Si Jie glanced at it and saw that it was his secretary calling.

Walking on the overhead bridge, he casually threw that vibrating phone into the river. The absolutely stunning horizon that streaked across the sky was just like his shallow smile; beautiful yet full of desperation.

Buying the simplest pair of couple rings, Si Jie flagged down a taxi and headed towards the church.

The Priest saw a foreign man dumping a whole stack of money on the table. He seemed to have understood something. He called over some disciples and decorated the hall beautifully; he prepared Netherlands’ most traditional, most gorgeous wedding for Si Jie.

During the wedding, Si Jie wore one of the rings on his finger and the other ring was kept for his most beloved.

Wherever he went, he would follow. The two were originally one whole. It was unacceptable to have one less. Si Jie would never ever allow him to leave him, to live in a place without him.

We will meet again. Si Jie lifted up the hand which donned the ring. He gave it a kiss, his eyes were filled with pampering indulgence and resolution.

Grabbing his passport and some other important things, Si Jie booked the earliest flight possible. That night, he returned to the city in which he lived for so many years.

Inhaling deeply, the air seemed to have still carried some of his breath.

He must definitely be waiting for him.

For the first time in many years, Si Jie returned home on a non-holiday.

It just so happened that his parents were currently out attending banquets, so they weren’t in when he came by. Si Jie did not refute what the helper had said, because he knew where his parents went today. He also knew the reason why he was in such pain and sorrow yesterday.

He didn’t remove anything from his body and directly walked upstairs, uncaring of the helpers’ greetings. He slowly walked towards a particular bedroom.

The door was tightly sealed.

He didn’t bother much about the little details, such as why was this, before. But ever since he regained his memory, everything was naturally different.

With one foot, he kicked the door open. Since the helpers were instructed to never go upstairs to disturb them, no matter what sound they heard, those helpers could only stare blankly upwards from the bottom of the stairs.

Si Jie walked into that room which was sealed for many years. The air was still and there was dust everywhere. But even so, Si Jie was able to sniff out the favourite scent of his most beloved, as if that person was still here yesterday.

He caressed the desk, the water bed, chair, cabinets….. Every touch was done twice; one near and one further away. Even the safe’s number was something he knew. The familiar number sequence appeared in his mind and his fingers danced across the keypad.

He retrieved the letter inside. Inside lay a photo. It was the promise they made that year, when they were still naive and innocent.

He, who was dressed in a white wedding gown, was just so beautiful and the smile on his face was just so teeth-achingly sweet.

Hugging the photo, he went to the balcony. Only by standing in the highest place, can one see far into the distance. Si Jie looked at the entrance, waiting.

The oncoming breeze made his emotions become disorderly. Si Jie wondered what he was thinking that year, when he stood right here.

Closing his eyes, he tried very hard to recall, just to get the most accurate answer.

If one died, one would go to Heaven.

Who was lightly humming this sentence next into his ear? It must be him , it could only be him , who could have such a melodious voice. It could only be him , who could say such words.

Coming back from the cemetery, the Mu Family’s husband and wife were feeling incomparably depressed and heavy-hearted. On such a day, even with the bright, gorgeous weather, it would be just as suffocating.

Just as they stepped into the door, Mrs. Mu’s heart uncontrollably, frantically jumped. She lifted her head in disbelief, shock evident in her expression. The same exact place, stood someone who had a similar appearance as that person.

“NO——!” Mrs. Mu tore away from her husband’s embrace and rushed over as fast as she could.

It was too late. Everything was too late.

The sky was originally clear and sunny, but it suddenly started raining heavily, cleaning the floor which was stained red with fresh blood. All of the pain was slowly being forgotten.

Kneeling next to Si Jie’s still warm corpse, Mrs. Mu trembled as she stretched out a hand to caress Si Jie’s handsome face. Raising her head to the Heavens, she wailed in despair, her mournful cry resonating in the sky.

Mr. Mu staggered back a couple of steps, almost unable to keep steady. He would have never expected that everything would happen so quickly.

From a long time ago, despite doing his best to prevent it, he was unable to avoid the final outcome. Just to severe off that forbidden love, he lost his two most precious and adorable children.

My god, just what had he done?!

The funeral ceremony was conducted in an extremely solemn manner. The Mu Family decided to bury the two children in the same place. On the same day, exactly 5 years apart, everyone present had suppressed their own grief.

In the crystal glass coffin, there laid two bodies with interlocking hands. Mu Si Jie was on the left while Mu Nian Jie was on the right. The two rings shone brightly on their tightly interlocked hands. That wedding photo and that marriage certification was placed between them.

The paper that Si Jie had never discarded in the past, had become that year’s most featured and outstanding creative advertisement.

It was titled—— There’s No ‘Me’ In Heaven.

T/N: Holy crap I was ugly sobbing towards the end… omg my heart just feels so heavy and painful…. I guess this is the dark end of incest love, it’s just so painful for the parents and the couple (╥﹏╥)

Editor: Mochiusagi