C19.5

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Series: A Love That Lurks at the Dining Table

Previous chapter

This chapter is a bonus “what if” bad ending. Please be aware that it contains crimes that may make some readers uncomfortable.

“There.”

I put the plate with the curry and the platter with the naan on the table.

I thought about wanting to give it to Hino-kun, but unlike when we made muffins, we couldn’t bring the curry home. Instead, I looked in his direction at the same time his group finished cooking.

“This turned out really good, Hino-kun.”

“Yeah.”

The girls in his group were chatting happily with Hino-kun. He was turned away from me so I couldn’t see his expression.

No.

My chest was beginning to hurt. My chest always hurt when I looked at Hino-kun, but this felt different and more painful. It was different from when Sasaki-san confronted me. My head felt foggy and even though I knew I should look away, I couldn’t.

“It turned out delicious! Hey, you eat too, Hino-kun! I cut the vegetables.”

“And I added the spices! Eat up, Hino-kun!”

Don’t eat it.

I couldn’t say that. Who did I think I was? And yet, my greedy, disgusting thoughts wouldn’t stop.

“Is it delicious, Hino-kun? Well?”

“Eat some more.”

I couldn’t hear his reply over the sounds of cooking and dishes. I could only see Hino-kun’s back, so I didn’t have to see him eat.

Before now, I always liked to watch him eat, but now I was glad I could only see his back.

I wanted Hino-kun to be well. I wanted to make him happy, but why was I thinking like this? The more I learned about him, the more I came to like him and the more idiotic I became. No more. I didn’t know why I was thinking such horrible thoughts. Why was I like this?

“How much do they think they know me? They’ve taken the liberty of deciding we were friends.”

“Do they even think of me as a human?”

My face heated up painfully from remembering Hino-kun’s words.

No. Why am I thinking of that? Why does my chest hurt? I should be happy. But this was painful. I hate this. It hurts. This dirty feeling, the feeling that could torment or hurt Hino-kun, came up more and more, and it was painful. I wanted to hurry up and stop liking him. And to stop… There was something I could do.

…Thinking about it, my feelings might have been the same as the ones that hurt him in the first place. The people who forced him into friendships and hurt him all must have started out simply liking him. There was a chance they felt the same way I do now.

There was a chance my feelings for Hino-kun could become distorted.

I felt my whole body freeze at that thought.

Right now, I was making Hino-kun’s lunch and dinner. And I’ve also made him breakfast and snacks. I’m making most of his food now. And I was happy, but maybe, just maybe, if Hino-kun found out about my feelings- no, before that, if my feelings became distorted, then he would be deeply, horribly hurt.

There was a chance my feelings were already distorted. Because I was feeling jealous over a cooking class.

I didn’t want to betray Hino-kun. If Hino-kun found out, it would be a terrible betrayal to him. It would definitely cause him horrible pain. Right now, I’ve betrayed him. I am betraying him.

So I needed to quickly stop my feelings.

◇◇◇

I should have eaten a light bento with Hino-kun after class, but I don’t remember us eating, what we talked about, or even the flavor of the food.

Today Hino-kun was going to come back home late.

So it was okay that I didn’t go to his house right away. And since my body felt heavy, I lied across my desk as the sun began to set.

“Me-chan’s friend.”

I realized Maki-kun was standing at the door. He seemed lethargic as he yawned and lied across the teacher’s desk, his sleeves ruffled and loose.

“Me-chan’s friend is crying…”

“I’m not crying. I just wanted to cool off a bit… just a bit of a reflection.”

“About love…?”

“No. It’s something else.”

I shook my head and looked down. For a second, the question almost left my lips. About how to stop liking someone. How would Maki-kun react to hearing that? He’d probably be distressed. I couldn’t do that. Not just Hino-kun, I also couldn’t bother a classmate I’ve barely spoken to. I couldn’t think right.

“If you want something, you have to say it.”

Maki-kun looked at me with a knowing gaze.

“… Really?”

“Really. There’s lots of things you can’t take back if you say it. Humans never know what will happen. Even a simple misunderstanding could end things forever…”

Maki-kun dispassionately spoke until he wrapped his arms around his knees and began to sleep on the desk. While I was stunned, I heard the sound of footsteps and Meina-chan appeared.

“Oh, Mizuka-chan, are you going home n… Maki-kun!? If you sleep here you’ll catch a cold! That isn’t a bed! Wake up Maki-kun!”

“Uu… Me-cha…? My bed is hard…”

“Yeah, because you’re sleeping on the teacher’s desk! That is not your bed! This is school! Wake up!”

He lazily got up after Meina-chan shook him strongly. I thought about his words as I watched them.

He said there are things you can’t take back if you say them. And I knew something I couldn’t take back.

Even if it was just a little bit, I should distance myself from Hino-kun. Before I betrayed and hurt him.

“Then, good-bye, you two.”

“Eh? Y-yeah… Are you okay, Mizuka-chan…?”

“I’m okay. See you tomorrow.”

I quietly left the classroom. Both Meina-chan and Maki-kun were looking at me with concern. I couldn’t dwell on it. Even if it was just for a little while, I needed to put some distance between me and Hino-kun so I could put an end to these feelings.

◇◇◇

“There…”

After I finished cooking dinner, I lined it up on the table.

Today’s menu was udon noodles with starchy sauce. It’s udon noodles with a lot of ingredients, including bamboo shoots, edamame, and taro. The side dish was hijiki. The udon with red bean paste was lightly seasoned, so the stewed hijiki was richer. Dessert was a tofu-based cheesecake.

“I’m home, Igarashi-san.”

“Welcome back.”

Hino-kun seemed tense as he entered the room, perhaps from being tired from his shooting. But when he came in, his face broke out into a smile and he said, “It smells amazing.” Seeing him smile made my chest squeeze painfully. But his expression tensed when he noticed the food lined on the table.

“Wait… Why is there only one portion?”

“Yes, that’s your portion.”

“……? Did you already eat, Igarashi-san?”

“No, I’m just a little busy today so I thought I would go home now.”

For a moment, Hino-kun’s expression collapsed, but it was quickly replaced with a beautiful smile.

“I see. I wanted to eat together today, but if you’re busy then it can’t be helped. I’ll walk you to the station then. It’s already dark, after all.”

“You don’t have to do that. …Also, for a while… or more like, probably from today on, we won’t be able to eat together, so reduce the food budget… um, please.”

I squeezed my skirt tightly. I was practicing those words the whole time while waiting for Hino-kun to get home, and somehow I was able to say it. My chest was throbbing, but it did feel a bit lighter. But that pain was something I shouldn’t feel. It was proof that I liked him. Proof that I betrayed him.

“…Why are you busy…? Did something happen…?”

Hino-kun mumbled as if he was trying to squeeze his voice out and bear something with all his strength. I looked away because I didn’t want to see his expression, but he started approaching me.

“Hey, what happened, Igarashi-san? What…”

“Nothing!”

I dodged the hand he held out and responded loudly. If he grabbed my arm, if he touched me, it would all be over. My feelings would overflow and I would want to confess. I couldn’t say it, but I couldn’t supress my feelings.

“S-sorry, Hino-kun. I’ll go home now… I’m sorry… S-see you tomorrow…”

Hino-kun looked like he was going to cry and yet he stood there quietly frozen. It must have been because he was surprised. But I couldn’t do anything. Because I had to stop liking him. I turned away to shut off my thoughts and moved to the door. Then I put on my shoes and left Hino-kun’s house.

◇◇◇

The swing creaked as I stared at the moon in the night sky. I didn’t feel like going back home after I ran out of Hino-kun’s house, so I was sitting on a swing in the park. It was already completely dark outside, but the park was illuminated by the moon and the nearby street lamps.

“Hahh…“

I sighed for the umteenth time as the image of Hino-kun’s expression came to my mind again. I needed to go back home, but my legs felt like lead and I couldn’t get them to move.

From now on, I’ll put some distance between me and Hino-kun. And then I can properly put an end to these feelings. Until then, I couldn’t eat with him. Tomorrow I’ll give him the bento I’ve prepared and suggest eating it separately. That’s the plan. Although I decided it, my chest hurt. I could clearly tell that I didn’t want to stay away from Hino-kun.

“I’m the worst…” I quietly whispered, and the swing creaked.

I grabbed the chains, hearing the grating, loud noise of the metal, when I suddenly had the feeling someone was behind me and turned around. There was the pitch black sillouhettes of the trees, but no human-like figures.

I should go home. I grabbed the bag I had set aside and stood up. But then I heard the sound of something cutting through the wind near my ear. I tried to turn around, but my vision became pitch black. Someone was covering my eyes from behind. They restrained me and I couldn’t resist at all.

“No, help–“

I desperately tried to yell, but my mouth was covered as well. I couldn’t force my voice out. I was scared. I was so scared. I hated this.

“Hino-k–“

I was surprised by my own voice, but they tightened their hold on me and some sort of moist, sharp scent covered my nose. The strength left my arms and legs and I couldn’t stand anymore as I sunk into the darkness.

◆◆◆

I stood, stunned, in the room that Mizuka ran out of.

I couldn’t understand what happened.

Mizuka was acting strange at lunch today.

Even though I always, always, always got to see how happy she was to eat her bento. And she always talked with me. But today, it seemed like I didn’t exist in her world. I wasn’t reflected in her eyes at all. Mizuka didn’t acknowledge me.

And when I came home, she said she didn’t want to eat together. She didn’t want me to walk her home. When I tried to touch her, she moved away and dodged me.

We were eating together normally just yesterday. She lined up two portions for the both of us. She didn’t just line up one portion. But right now, there was only my silverware, my chopsticks, and my cup lined up; none of Mizuka’s tableware.

Why did Mizuka reject me? She shouldn’t have hated me at least. She even let me touch her when we were alone. I was sure that Mizuka liked me more than…

“Ahaha…”

A light laugh bubbled up from the back of my throat as I slowly thought back. I was too distracted by my hopes and misunderstood. Mizuka didn’t like me.

From the start, she was just a kind, generous person who helped me out. I was the one who assumed she would ever accept my feelings.

And when Mizuka was together with me– no. Cooking so much for someone she didn’t like must have been tiring and she came to hate me.

It was all a mistake to expect her to accept me, or to think that she would accept me after knowing everything. But I did. That’s what I thought. Falling in love at first sight was a violent, evil thing.

I loved Mizuka’s smile.

But I also wanted her heart. I wanted to be liked.

But it might already be too late.

“Mizuka… I’ll come get you…”

I checked my smartphone to see that she was at a nearby park. I had no choice but to break her. I would break her and build her back up with happiness. I had to completely destroy everything about Mizuka to make her love me.

As if to cover up my uncontrollable emotions, I left the room to fulfill my purpose. I headed straight to the park to see Mizuka sitting on a swing. There was no one else around.

I found her.

I slowly approached her from behind, covered her eyes, and covered her mouth with a cloth I prepared. She resisted, but it was only for a moment. As soon as she smelled the medicine, she lost strength and then her consciousness. For a second, I thought I heard her call my name, but surely it was my imagination. I needed to break my habit of expecting her to like me.

“Let’s go back, Mizuka. To our home.”

I picked her up and headed home.

◆◆◆

“No, help me, I’m so sorry, please forgive me…”

It’s been twenty days since I brought Mizuka home with me. She’s been staying in my room since then, but she was always crying. I stole the light from her by wrapping a cloth around her eyes and I haven’t spoken a word. That way she didn’t know she was at my house. She thought she was abducted by a stranger.

“I-I won’t go to the police, so let me out…”

Every day I helped her in the bath and to the bathroom and fed her, but she always just cried in fear. At times like this, survival instincts can lead to pseudo-favoritism, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Mizuka.

“A-ah… I’m sorry, I’m sorry–“

Since I took away her vision, Mizuka’s hearing seems to have become much stronger. She reacted strongly to even my slight movements, shaking and crying. I wanted to console her, but I couldn’t speak. If I did, I would never get Mizuka.

During these twenty days, I’ve done nothing but scare Mizuka. When Mizuka is broken and in the depths of despair, then when I save her, she’ll come to like me.

So I made sure to contact the school. I used Mizuka’s phone to contact her parents as well. And then in ten days… one month after I confined, hurt and broke her, I would swoop in like a hero and save her. She will surely like me then. So even though I felt bad for her, I had to keep scaring her. When she thinks she’s alone, she’ll call my name. But that must be because I was the last person she saw before she got abducted. I might have held hope that she liked me before, but I didn’t feel that anymore.

“Hie… Please no more. Stop, I definitely won’t go to the police… I won’t tell anyone so… please let me go… I want to go home…”

I hugged her tightly from behind while she tried to escape. When I grabbed her arms and legs and hugged them together, Mizuka grew more and more tense. As I rubbed her stomach gently, soothingly, she seemed to quietly realize what was happening.

“No! No! Nonono! No! Stop! No!”

Mizuka, who was so frightened she wouldn’t move before, started kicking her hands and feet and resisting with all her might. I heard a fragile voice in my ear as I held her from behind.

“No, no stop… Stop… Why…… Why does this… Save me… Save me hinokun…”

The fever in my mind chilled to ice.

I couldn’t feel hope. I was hearing things.

It was just ten days until one month, but this might be more than good enough. At this rate, Mizuka was mine and mine alone. I made a mistake by trying to get her to like me sloppily before. So we can be a family here. I hugged Mizuka with all my strength, to the point where I could feel her bones creak, and pushed her down to the cold floor like usual.