Chapter 25

Negative emotions tend to be buried deeper the more you delve into them.

To erase the painful afterimages clouding my mind, I slumped into the chair opposite Lu.

"Thanks to you, I'm alive."

Fortunately, my voice didn't tremble. Lu, who glanced at me, replied indifferently.

"Even melted ice cream would have wanted to hear that."

"…You threw them away?"

"I gifted them to the National Peace Institute's manager. Both of them."

The other voice I heard before fainting was the manager's.

"You didn't eat them."

"It would have been nice, but I had to move someone to their home."

He's really taking credit for it.

But even if he boasts, there's nothing to say, so I nodded obediently.

With a thud, Lu closed the book and threw it on the table, then met my eyes with a light smile.

"I clearly told you to sit in the chair and wait nicely, didn't I?"

The sinister smile in the darkness was terrifying.

The smile perfectly blended with the dark and glamorous aura of Lu's features, making it seem like he was about to grab a tool and say, "I don't need a disobedient dog!" and hit me on the head.

So I answered more obediently.

"I owe you."

"Many people owe me. Few repay."

"I won't default, so don't worry."

"You only worry if you have expectations."

A stubborn kid who doesn't back down. Should I thank you for not giving me any expectations? Huh?

"I brought you to my house because you needed someone to watch over you while you were unconscious. Leave when you feel like it."

"Did you stay in this room because of me?"

"The servants did."

Servants, huh...

Lu's lips curved more deeply.

"Yes, those trash that our cute Daisy dumped on me."

I pretended not to hear.

"Don't make a slip of the tongue about today's events. The undertaker doesn't know about it."

This time, I couldn't pretend not to hear.

"What did you lie about?"

"That Miss Daisy isn't reflecting on her actions from a few days ago and is trying to bury someone today, so she's undergoing special training."

"Lu, listening to you talk like that makes me lose all gratitude and just feel angry."

He shrugged, as if to say, "What do you want me to do?" and picked up the book again.

I waited for his next words, but he quietly immersed himself in reading. It was an unexpected reaction.

'I thought he would ask about my past.'

So I was prepared to answer that I had briefly served as a young soldier when the situation became clear.

Lu didn't seem to have much interest in that.

'Or is he being considerate?'

The warm-hearted Lu who considers others.

It really doesn't suit him. Let's just assume he's genuinely not interested.

The only thing he's interested in is one thing.

"Children's Guide to the Continent's Seven Great Mysteries: Treasure Edition"

I quietly glared at the cover of the book Lu was engrossed in.

Perhaps Lu is looking for the relics of Dian Ket. I don't care what he plans to use them for.

What's important is that Lu has the ability to distinguish Dian Ket's relics and has already found the one hidden in the Weatherwood Manor.

"Did you come to the Weatherwood Manor for Dian Ket's relics?"

He neither confirmed nor denied it.

"Are you going to steal them?"

A cold curve appeared at the corner of Lu's mouth.

"I clearly said I would tell you after all the flowers bloom. Are you pretending not to hear me?"

Perhaps because of the atmosphere of the night or because I had received help from Lu again, I revealed my honest feelings.

"I'm just curious."

Half of it was out of concern that he might interfere with my plans.

The other half was out of curiosity about Lu himself.

He raised his head again, looking a bit more serious than before.

"Just in case, I'll say this. Don't fall for me."

"..."

"Don't fall in love. You'll only hurt yourself."

"When are you going to stop spouting nonsense?"

Lu chuckled softly. It was a much warmer laugh than before.

"I have a question too. Have you often experienced things like today?"

My lips closed involuntarily. I didn't expect him to suddenly ask such a direct question.

"Have you often?"

It was a difficult question to answer with a simple "yes" or "no."

The world has been at peace for four years, but I've only been awake for two months.

So, the hallucination I experienced today could be one I have every two months, or once a year, or twice a year, or it could be the last one I'll ever have.

"This is the first time."

"Nightmares too?"

"I had my first nightmare recently."

"Has something painful enough to cause hallucinations and nightmares happened to you recently?"

"Hmm."

"Or, on the contrary, has something enjoyable enough to make you forget hallucinations and nightmares in a short time happened?"

"Hmm."

"You don't seem to know how to answer anything."

"I'm not sure if anything like that has happened."

"Understanding yourself is the beginning of taking control of your life. Reflect on what has happened to you recently and how it has affected you."

"..."

"A life without reflection. A life without insight. It might seem comfortable and happy, but in reality, it's no different from throwing your soul into a garbage dump. A soul that is neither emptied nor filled is no different from non-existence."

The calm voice that followed stirred my heart deeply.

'Understanding yourself is the beginning of taking control of your life.'

It's a truly difficult statement for someone with little knowledge.

It was the same when I first learned swordsmanship.

I don't have a proper swordmaster.

I picked up a weapon with the sole purpose of avenging my brother and slaying demons, and I honed my sword to become a demon slayer.

"Delve into the most fundamental elements. Then there will be no unattainable realm."

Fortunately, there were many heroes on the battlefield, and their advice to me was consistent.

Lacking knowledge, I overcame the wall with that single truth.

Therefore, understanding the essence is, perhaps, what I am most confident in.

So let's start by delving into the essence.

'Understanding yourself is the beginning of taking control of your life.'

Who am I?

I, Daisy Pagger.

Once known as Andert Pagger, a man.

Even longer ago, a woman named Pagger.

But can I truly understand myself just by my name?

'Daisy.'

A common name in the empire.

It was a name given without any special meaning.

In fact, when naming someone, you usually put meaning and affection into it. That affection gave me a sense of responsibility for my existence.

However, I was fine for over a month with this careless fake name, without any nightmares or hallucinations.

Why was that? What supported me? The answer wasn't hard to find.

I was happy to be a maid.

I enjoyed cleaning the mansion.

I was happy to fill my days with tasks other than slaying demons, to meet people, and to be a part of society. I was happy to be recognized for sweeping the floor, washing curtains, and running errands.

Most of all, what made me happy was living as Daisy, not Andert.

But the peace was short-lived.

Ten days after settling into the Weatherwood Manor, I had a nightmare.

A nightmare where the arms of dead soldiers attached to me and I denied the name Andert.

In just ten days, an event occurred that disturbed my peace.

'Perhaps, the cause was.'

The punch I threw at the pub.

No, I was certain.

Every time I used violence, hot blood surged through my body. The liberation that dominated my mind even temporarily cleared my stammer.

Only when I suppressed the evil I defined did I feel whole.

I felt that the 14 years I had lived as Andert were not in vain.

Now I realize.

I am a deeply contradictory person.

I want to live as Daisy, not Andert, but I also want to be recognized for my past as Andert.

I can't help but be a truly despicable maid.

The second disturbance was a bit rougher.

Not only nightmares, but hallucinations as well.

'Clearly, the cause was.'

The National Peace Institute.

The moment I saw the graves without names.

The wave of regret that engulfed me.

The faces of comrades whose names I never asked for came to mind.

The names I didn't ask for because I didn't want to feel the loss after losing them, the faces I couldn't remember because I didn't ask for their names, bloomed in my mind one by one.

Why didn't I ask for their names?

If I had asked for their names, wouldn't their names have filled those graves?

After 14 years, intense regret hit me. Guilt plunged me into nightmares and made me wander through hallucinations.

So I.

Suddenly, I thought of a small leaf blooming in a pot.

I recalled the moment I wandered through the market to see that leaf.