C3 Part3

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Chapter 3: A Sudden Heartbeat (Part 3)

Ji Xiangkong leaned back against the railing, long legs crossed in front of him. He turned his head to look at Qiu Ying, who was sitting on the steps — a beautiful girl with her knees up curled into a ball, drooping shoulders, head hanging low, looking very different from when they had first met.

Ji Xiangkong was about to say something to break the silence when he saw Qiu Ying bury her head in her arms. Her dull voice passed through her clothing. “Laugh if you want to. I know you’re looking down on me.”

“What?”

“You’re like them, thinking I sell myself all day to profit off others.”

Ji Xiangkong felt like he was seeing things, watching her earnestly trying to shrink in on herself, smaller and smaller.

He shrugged and crouched down next to her, placing his elbows casually on his knees. “I didn’t say anything.”

“It doesn’t matter whether or not you believe me. Taking the initiative to approach you was really just a scheme for a short infatuation.” Qiu Ying thought of something, messily raised her head, and hurriedly explained, “I didn’t think it would be playing around with your heart! I just wanted to borrow a little of your spotlight…”

Ji Xiangkong raised his eyebrows and said with interest, “Oh? Why me?”

Qiu Ying shrunk her neck in and spoke honestly. “You look like a playboy who doesn’t refuse anyone who comes to you, like… casual.”

When he heard this, Ji Xiangkong covered his chest and faked a heart attack. Qiu Ying knew he was teasing her and incoherently apologized again.

From the age of eighteen, her family had broken off her financial support. If she wanted to continue her studies, not only had she obediently begged for pity from that man, she had worked arduously. Life had poetry and distant lands,1 but even more important was being able to see the daily necessities in front of you.

She had danced, washed dishes, and delivered packages, but the money from those hadn’t been enough. Choosing to become a female streamer was simply because this emerging industry had the highest earnings of all the part-time jobs she had previously done.

She never stole, never snatched, never deceived, never homewrecked. She wanted to rely on herself to support herself, but her currently helpless reality was even more effective than a diet.

“When I first started streaming, I had no fans, no publicity, and no background. My popularity was low and I couldn’t get to the top of the homepage. The site didn’t advertise me. Nobody cared. But even so, even if there were only a few people watching, I didn’t stop talking. I talked until my mouth was dry and my smile was stiff. Since elementary school, I’ve done traditional dance, my singing isn’t bad, and I even know how to play piano. So all night long, I’d sing song after song; if the chat said they didn’t want to watch it, I’d do traditional dance. Then I started to learn K-Pop. Girls’ Generation, Apink, and also the currently-popular Firework. Whatever they wanted to watch, I learned. Since it’s earning money, this is also work, and I want to earnestly do my best.”

Qiu Ying bowed her head to look at her feet. Not counting the time it took to stream, she was still in school. During that time, she was often so hungry that she wanted to die from the stomach pain; she read until her head was about to split; she didn’t allow herself to go to bed. Only like this could her heart feel at ease. She had worked so hard, maybe she would be favored by fortune on the road she walked in her next life. Maybe she could have more warm and sunny days.

“Later on, the audience gradually increased. There were those so-called management agencies that wanted to contract me and put forward excessive performance demands. I refused all of them.” She smiled as if mocking herself. “Everyone’s general impression of female game streamers is bad. I didn’t want to become like they thought.”

Yet because it was like this, she became the platform’s public target. The other popular female streamers all belonged to the same management agency and they united against her. The agency used public opinion to ruin her reputation, causing the streaming platform to use the excuse of “your popularity isn’t high enough” to attempt to terminate her contract.

The signing fee was not a small amount of money, and the next semester’s tuition deadline was imminent. Her road began to grow longer and longer.

As her popularity continued rising, her livestream audience also became more and more varied. She could frequently see dirty words fly across the entire screen, along with people who had tracked down her home from her IP address to curse her, as well as those who trampled on others’ self-esteem to find worth in themselves, and those who laughed by thinking of her as a clown. In the face of these types of people, she still had to put on a strong face and smile, but honestly her heart was so nauseous she wanted to die. And she also had to say, “If you like the stream, please follow me.”

It was only if she had enough attention and enough popularity, that she could meet the contract’s requirements. She endured it.

In spite of this self-deceiving thought, in the quiet of the night, she always wanted to cry from the pressure.

She hated — despised her current self.

Without realizing, Qiu Ying spilled out the unhappy words of her heart. She quickly regretted it. What was she doing, saying these things? Ji Xiangkong probably thought that she was acting to gain sympathy again.

“What did you put on yourself?” Ji Xiangkong seriously asked one question.

“What?”

“It smells nice.” Ji Xiangkong lifted his hand to his nose and smelled it. “Before, when I held your wrist. The smell hasn’t faded away even until now.”

Seeing him take the advantage to put his nose near her shoulder, Qiu Ying flushed and moved aside. “What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to see if it’s perfume or body milk?”

“You… why do you seem just like a pervert!”

Ji Xiangkong was straightforward. “I originally am one.”

Qiu Ying choked and couldn’t say anything. She had thought she’d confessed like the heroine of a tragic novel, but it really turned out to be casting pearls before swine.

Seeing her finally recover from her self-hatred, Ji Xiangkong slowly spoke. “You gain money and fame, and with it abuse and misunderstandings are inescapable.” He paused slightly. “What you want to do will inevitably become lost.”

These few sentences of his were too somber. Qiu Ying did not react for a while.

“A lot of the time, people are only willing to believe in whatever things they see. As for their stories and pasts, very few are interested in them.” His voice became lower and lower, his words slower. “So, before people act upon their decisions, they need to make sure they can endure the consequences it will bring.”

Qiu Ying froze for a while and then nodded her head.

“You, aren’t you working so hard to go in the wrong direction?” Ji Xiangkong’s gaze was soft. “If you want to keep making money through Conquer, have you thought about relying on your ability and doing serious commentary?”

“Commentary?”

“Although the development of esports is booming right now, it’s still very lacking in professional commentators, let alone female commentators. Most female commentators don’t understand games. They’re simply there to serve as a vase.”

“But I…”

“You haven’t been in the Conquer circle for long, but you’re still so popular. If you use your skill and work harder, you’ll have unlimited potential.” Ji Xiangkong lightly patted her head. “‘Since it’s work, then I want to do my best.’ You were the one who said this.”

Qiu Ying’s heart started to fiercely jump again. She stood up, shaken. Unexpectedly, her legs were numb from sitting too long, and in an instant, she almost fell down the stairs. Fortunately, Ji Xiangkong preemptively reached out to steady her.

Pada— Her hand haphazardly knocked into Ji Xiangkong’s pocket, something flew out, and her gaze followed it. It was a man’s wallet.

When she saw the picture in the wallet sleeve, the corner of her mouth twitched.

Wasn’t this Miya from the extremely popular Korean girl group Firework?

To cut out a picture of the female star he liked and put it in his wallet, wasn’t he like an innocent middle schooler?2

Seeing Ji Xiangkong bend down and pick up his wallet, nimbly putting it away, Qiu Ying realized something and opened her mouth anxiously. “Did… did you see my livestreams before?”

“I’ve seen them.” Ji Xiangkong teased, “Your fans say that you dance better than the original Miya.”

Oh, my God! Then hadn’t she been making a fool of herself in his eyes?3

Qiu Ying broke into a cold sweat. This guy… it couldn’t be, right… no wonder he had been so ruthless!

“You’re… a K-pop fan?”4

Ji Xiangkong looked unfazed. “It’s just as you think.”

Qiu Ying envisioned his flushed face, she smirked, within a sea of people holding support banners waving light sticks…

“What’s with your expression? Single and innocent boys aren’t allowed to like female stars?”

Qiu Ying squinted at him, inspecting him up and down. The world was getting worse if this year a social flower dared to label himself as innocent.

She scoffed. “You’re like this, so finding a girlfriend also can’t be easy?”

Ji Xiangkong sincerely shook his head. “It’s pretty easy.”

Qiu Ying rolled her eyes at him. After seeing he hadn’t reacted for a long time, she leaned over.

The warm orange light of the streetlamps outlined Ji Xiangkong’s beautiful facial features. He looked down at the ground, his eyelashes long and thick, his high nose bridge casting a long and narrow shadow on his face, his bangs slightly covering his eyes.

He had a rare expression of seriousness, his voice melancholy. “Also, I’m not someone who doesn’t refuse anyone who comes to me. If there’s someone who seriously likes me, I’ll firmly reject them.”

Qiu Ying looked at him in surprise and opened her mouth as if possessed. “…Aren’t you casual?”

The words were in the air just as she regretted it. Ji Xiangkong’s peach-blossom eyes curved. He brought his face closer to hers and revealed a practiced smirk. “Want to try?”

Qiu Ying suddenly blushed and used her hand to block his leaning head, pushing him. “I don’t!”

This guy actually couldn’t be serious for three seconds.

**

By the time Qiu Ying returned home, it was already past ten. She opened the computer and randomly picked a drama to watch, turning the volume all the way up.

The hero and heroine were noisy, and it wasn’t long before she didn’t want to watch any longer. She irritably walked back and forth in her room, opening the refrigerator door to take out a can of cola. She once more thought of the scene where she and Ji Xiangkong had parted, several dozen minutes ago.

“Then…” She did her best to keep her voice from trembling. “Can I continue to keep in touch with you on WeChat?”

Ji Xiangkong turned back to look at her, his eyes dark and deep. Beneath his unruffled, calm appearance, an undercurrent surged slightly.

Her panic and guilt was like she was a child who had been caught cheating by their teacher. His gaze seemed to be breaking down the thick walls of her heart to drag out the things she wanted to hide beneath the shadows to under the scorching hot sun.

After half a day, she heard him say lightly, “Still, we shouldn’t.”

We shouldn’t contact each other anymore.

The cola can Qiu Ying was holding in her hands hit the ground before she realized, with a crisp and sudden sound, followed immediately by a small rolling noise that reverberated in the open room like a repercussion that would echo for a long time.

From the TV show, the heroine’s crying voice passed into her mind, catching her off guard, sinking deeply into her.

“What should I do, I think I really like him.”

Qiu Ying stood in place, fingertips cold.

Something surged uncontrollably within her heart, fully and wholly filling it.

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Footnotes:

1 perhaps taken from Gao Xiaosong’s ballad 生活不止眼前的苟且, which is something like “Life is more than what passes in front of you.” The chorus of the song is 生活不止眼前的苟且，还有诗和远方的田野. Life is not just about what passes in front of you, there are still poems and distant fields.

2 basically the Japanese term chuunibyou

3 “by imitating something in a farcical fashion”

4 the original term can be generalized to someone who likes Korean culture, kind of like Koreaboo, but I didn’t want to use that word due to negative connotations etc.

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