Chapter 55

After that, feeling pretty good, I went back to the inn. Rina was worried about my way home, but I wasn’t so drunk that I’d be puking all over the road. I was more worried about Rina walking alone at night after seeing me off. I took her concern and went back to my room, falling asleep while recalling the taste of the whiskey.

The next day’s plan was set. I intended to take on a cleaning mission to clean up the city after the festival. The manners of eating and drinking outdoors were far worse than Halloween in Shibuya. Everywhere you looked, it was a lawless mess, and I couldn’t imagine living in such a city. I had to clean up the roads I often used, or I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

But when I got to the guild, Dick Bart and others were there, which was unusual. Vice-captain Alektra also looked hungover but was already equipped and ready to go. The bigwigs of the Sword of Harvest were all there, and I wondered what they were up to.

When I asked lightly, it seemed they were dealing with a more serious situation than I imagined.

"Three guild members were injured... Oh my..."

"– They have received treatment from a healer, so there’s no worry of aftereffects. – I was careless... I should have provided more guidance..."

Yesterday, three male guild members were injured. They belonged to different parties and had no connection. If they had any, it was that they had been drinking at the guild yesterday.

What happened? I didn’t know.

But the three men had one thing in common: they had inserted the handles of swords into their butts, and couldn’t get them out.

"– Fortunately, they were short swords. If they had been long swords, it could have been a different tragedy..."

"– Captain, don’t tell me such dirty stories. My head already hurts. Please, no more..."

To put it bluntly, the men, in pursuit of unknown pleasure, had inserted short swords into their butts.

Of course, they didn’t admit it. "Huh? We were just fooling around while drunk. When I noticed, I couldn’t get it out."

But three men running to the clinic with short swords in their butts on the same day? It couldn’t be a coincidence. The healer who treated them that day must have felt really sorry for them. I hoped it wasn’t Caspar.

I was grateful for the existence of healers and potions in this world. Without them, the men might have died with short swords in their butts, a level of shame that would have led to a quick death from anger in the world of Romance of the Three Kingdoms. I was relieved that no one died because of this joke, even if it was just a drunken prank. If someone had died because of me, I would have felt terrible. Especially in the butt. Hahaha... I couldn’t laugh.

By the way, the three men who visited the clinic this time are now called the "Three Heroes of Regal." I don’t really care.

"– We must prevent the emergence of a second or third 'Three Heroes.' People seek pleasure... but without proper knowledge, it can lead to intense pain or disaster. – To prevent such tragedies from happening again, I plan to warn against the insertion of foreign objects."

"– Yeah... That’s true... If someone gets hurt, it would be the worst for me..."

"– Mongrel isn’t bad. People seek pleasure. ...But as those who lead the way, we have the duty to guide others correctly. That’s all."

"– Sorry, but can you stop treating me like a leader?"

"– Therefore, I’ve decided to post this on the bulletin board. It’s a warning about the insertion of foreign objects. Alektra helped me, and we just finished it."

"– Listen, Mongrel... The captain always tries to add unnecessary advice..."

"– Thanks for the effort."

A small parchment poster summarized the precautions for butt play. Use something that can be easily removed, avoid rough objects, and use a purification lubricant made by diluting jelly slime paste with water...

What is this? Using jelly slime like that? But this is not something to do the day after a festival. It’s like a witch’s evil ritual to paste the moon and stick it in your butt.

"– Exploring the unknown isn’t bad, but we guild members shouldn’t approach it recklessly. We should always be prepared and proceed carefully... even if it means moving slowly..."

He’s saying good things, but this is about inserting foreign objects into the butt...

"– Why are men so stupid? Even you, Mongrel, who doesn’t have a girlfriend, are stupid."

"– I’m not putting anything weird in my butt..."

"– Let’s just say that..."

"– That’s what I’m saying. Stop it with that look."

But I don’t want more guild members to end up with their butts torn up because of me. It’s not about honor or responsibility; I just don’t want it to happen.

To avoid being called the "man who destroyed the butts of Regal’s guild members," I should probably join this启蒙活动 early...

"– So, it’s because they put in oddly shaped things that they can’t get them out. If they used something designed for it, it would be fine, right?"

"– Hey, Mongrel, shouldn’t you stop this?"

"– I know I’m stupid, but men who want to do it will do it..."

In my past life, there were people who put strange things in their butts and ended up in the hospital. Pens were normal, but batteries and even caviar... Men’s insatiable desire for pleasure can lower their IQ by 100 points. It’s not something you can stop just by wanting to. The only way is to educate about safe methods to prevent harm.

...What am I doing the day after the festival...? I almost felt calm, but I had to wipe my own butt. Only the butt. Hahaha.

"– If I were to use something, it would look like this."

"– Oh."

Dick Bart drew a diagram on the blackboard of the bulletin board. It was a curved tool, something like an enema or a joke item for butt play.

"– Hey, you guys! Don’t draw weird things on the guild’s bulletin board! We’ll have to clean it up later!"

Elena from the reception was angry. She was 100% right. I couldn’t argue.

"– If it’s made of smooth material, it’s safe. This part can’t go in."

"– Yes. Of course, it needs to be well-polished, even without the purification lubricant."

"– Gross... My head hurts..."

"– I see..."

Honestly, looking at the diagram, I wondered if it could even fit in a human body. But it probably does.

I had some thoughts about this tool.

"– Dick Bart, do you think this kind of tool would sell?"

"– It would. It’s not something stores carry, and this is the final design I came up with. It has the potential to sell for a high price."

"– Hmm... I see. Maybe I can make money in this area..."

Adult toys are about human desire. Many people don’t mind spending money on them. More importantly, having a sample might help spread the idea of what’s safe to put in your butt.

Not that it’s necessarily good to put things in your butt.

"– By the way, Mongrel, you sell your own products in the market, right?"

"– Yeah, inventions. They don’t sell much, though."

But there should have been some movement at the festival yesterday. I need to check.

"– If you make something good, let me know. I can give you feedback and an evaluation anytime."

Dick Bart smiled slyly.

...I don’t want to hear your feedback. Yes.

After that, I didn’t clean the city. Instead, I went to the river to process materials. I decided to make adult toys from the large, thick horns of horn wolves, which are smooth and have the right hardness and flexibility when polished. If it worked out, it could be both educational and a good source of income.

The feeling of making something for the day after the festival made me feel a bit nihilistic, but I tried not to think about it and kept shaping the horns. This was a chance to use my brute strength.

"– Hmm... Is this good enough...?"

I had a general idea of the shape from Dick Bart’s diagram, but the size was a bit tricky. I compared it with my... well, you know, and the adult toy was finally complete. I didn’t want to put it in my own butt, so I thought about what to do if I got a bad review. But I decided not to worry about it.

I made a few more, polished them carefully, and called it a day.

The adult toys, glistening milky white in the river water, made me feel a bit depressed. I decided to sell them at the Black Mist Market as soon as possible.

"– Wow, you made such a tool. It’s a waste to use such good materials..."

"– I know, Melkri. Just sell it at a high price, including the material cost. I’m sure some people will buy it."

"– Sure. Oh, all the washboards sold out. They might become popular."

"– Really? That’s great news."

The Black Mist Market was even dirtier because of the festival, but in this area where anything can be sold, even trash can become a commodity. It seemed cleaner than the main street for some reason.

"– If someone buys this tool, show them this warning parchment. It has usage instructions and precautions."

"– Oh, you made this too, Mr. Mongrel?"

"– No, a detailed guild acquaintance made it."

"– Hahaha. Got it. I’ll do that. I don’t know if it will sell, but I’ll wait patiently. But the washboards, Mr. Mongrel. Before others copy it, why not raise the price a bit and produce more? You can make money for a while with those."

It seemed Melkri was interested in the washboards’ sales. He must have felt they were selling well. A merchant’s intuition is reliable.

...I had spent money at the festival, so I decided to make money in a sure way. I also planned to splurge at the magic shop.

"– I’ll make them and bring them over soon. The plane is ready, so one day should be enough."

"– Great, I’m looking forward to it."

So, I started making washboards. After processing the horns, I moved on to the boards. I was busy, so I couldn’t clean the city.

I used the plane vigorously and managed to finish 20 washboards in half a day. My nose was full of sawdust.

The next day, I carried the boards and headed back to the Black Mist Market.

"– Mr. Mongrel, the suspicious tool you made sold out yesterday."

"– Oh..."

"– I even got a discount on jelly..."

Melkri told me they had sold out, which was surprising since I hadn’t advertised.

Guild members? ...It sounds like guild members. Maybe the guys who heard the story were looking for the tool. Men’s fantasies can’t be stopped, I guess.

"– Hey, Melkri, do you know who bought them? They might be the Three Heroes."

"– Who are the Three Heroes...? It’s a sensitive product. I can’t tell you much about the customers, Mr. Mongrel."

"– Yeah, I understand. Sorry."

"– But I can tell you it was two men and one woman."

"– A woman bought it!? Is she using it for her job...?"

"– Who knows? She was young and pretty... Maybe she’s using it with a close male friend? You can’t judge people’s hobbies. Hehehe."

The unexpectedly high sales made me think about mass-producing the adult toys, but washboards were more profitable, easier to make, and more useful. I decided to stop making the toys.

If, by some chance, my identity as Lord Chaos was revealed, I didn’t want to be known for making adult toys...

It would tarnish Lord Chaos’s brand...

So, I focused on making washboards. After processing the horns, I moved on to the boards. I was too busy to clean the city.

I used the plane vigorously and managed to finish 20 washboards in half a day. My nose was full of sawdust.

The next day, I carried the boards and headed back to the Black Mist Market.

"– Mr. Mongrel, the suspicious tool you made sold out yesterday."

"– Oh..."

"– I even got a discount on jelly..."

Melkri told me they had sold out, which was surprising since I hadn’t advertised.

Guild members? ...It sounds like guild members. Maybe the guys who heard the story were looking for the tool. Men’s fantasies can’t be stopped, I guess.

"– Hey, Melkri, do you know who bought them? They might be the Three Heroes."

"– Who are the Three Heroes...? It’s a sensitive product. I can’t tell you much about the customers, Mr. Mongrel."

"– Yeah, I understand. Sorry."

"– But I can tell you it was two men and one woman."

"– A woman bought it!? Is she using it for her job...?"

"– Who knows? She was young and pretty... Maybe she’s using it with a close male friend? You can’t judge people’s hobbies. Hehehe."

The unexpectedly high sales made me think about mass-producing the adult toys, but washboards were more profitable, easier to make, and more useful. I decided to stop making the toys.

If, by some chance, my identity as Lord Chaos was revealed, I didn’t want to be known for making adult toys...

It would tarnish Lord Chaos’s brand...