Chapter 14

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Because I was running over to Tsinghua all the time, I became familiar with many places on campus, and sometimes I even felt more attached to it than my own school. Whenever I thought of that place, my heart would soften and even beat slower.

The final week before winter vacation during our second semester of sophomore year, I finished my exams and Chen Ruobing finished her last exam that morning. I went to see her and we originally arranged to go home together that day. In the end, we made an impromptu trip to the movies in the evening, and it was already past nine o’clock when it was finished. When we came out of the movie theater, it had suddenly turned white outside. The ground was covered with a thin layer of snow. Chen Ruobing proposed not to go home and to stay at her dorm for the night.

So, we went through the east gate. The tiles on that section of the path were covered in snow and had become quite slippery. Chen Ruobing pushed the bike as we slowly walked to her dorm. The light cast by the streetlights was colored by the powdery snowflakes, and everything was too dim to see clearly. I only felt silence all around, and even time slowed down. The strange thing was that Tsinghua Park was also much quieter than usual that day. The bikes that usually sped past on the road were nowhere to be seen. Immersed in this silent winter night, Chen Ruobing and I didn’t say much the entire way.

It was very late when we returned to the dorm. The other three people in the room were there, but since I went often, it wasn’t strange to see me. But this was the first time I stayed overnight at her dorm. After briefly washing up, I climbed into bed first. It was a bit cold in the room, so I undressed and got under the covers. Laying on Chen Ruobing’s pillow, a familiar scent rushed into my nostrils.

There was a book next to the pillow with a pen stuck in the middle. I flipped to that page, and when I raised my eyes I saw a sentence underlined in red pen.

“Among the innate biological factors and acquired social factors that contribute to homosexuality, our survey found that one’s early sexual experiences, especially the first sexual experience, is of considerable significance.”

My mind buzzed until I couldn’t hear anything else. An alarming thought flashed through my mind: Chen Ruobing knows that I like her and has started to study me?!

Right, it was something even the girls in my dorm guessed, how could she not figure it out?

I casually flipped to a later page which also had an underlined sentence, the main idea being that the way a person chose to live should entirely be their own business as long as they did not harm others.

I couldn’t think for a moment and didn’t know whether this was a good or bad thing. My heart raced, and I had no time to process things. Sensing that Chen Ruobing had also climbed into bed, I didn’t even have time to glance at the name of the book before withdrawing my hand and lying on my back.

“Cold, huh?” Chen Ruobing said as she got under the covers, “The dorm’s heaters don’t warm the place up.”

I said “It’s okay,” and stiffened on the bed like a log.

The other three girls soon got into bed as well. Just having finished exams, everyone was relaxed. For more than half an hour after lights off, they kept chatting, and Chen Ruobing seemed to be in a good mood, chatting together with them.

I hid among their voices, deeply admiring the girl named Sha Yu who kissed Chen Ruobing a few years ago.

Perhaps I had become less bold since I really got to know myself.

I laid in bed frozen in fear for I didn’t know how long before drifting off to sleep.

After winter vacation, I turned this matter over in my mind a few times and realized I shouldn’t have been that afraid. Chen Ruobing never rejected these feelings that were beyond friendship.

It was just in time for the Spring Festival those few days, so there were more things going on at home, and I originally planned to find time to see Chen Ruobing. In the end, on the night of Spring Festival Eve, she called me first.

She asked me if I had had dinner yet, then asked what I did that day. I immediately felt something was strange, and sure enough, after a few pleasantries, Chen Ruobing took a deep breath and said, “Sha Yu, I spoke with my family today.”

“About what?” I asked.

Chen Ruobing’s quiet voice came from the other end of the phone, her voice like a lake at night—cool and crystalline.

“I said, I fell in love with a girl.”

At that moment, with the unbearable beating of my heart, my tears rushed out all at once. It wasn’t because I was happy, but because I was moved—moved by the fact that I was understood and responded to.

In this world, there wouldn’t be any other person that could understand me like Chen Ruobing did. There wouldn’t be anyone else that was on the same wavelength as me.

I gripped the phone and couldn’t say a word.

It was also silent on the other end for a while, then suddenly there was a sob.

Chen Ruobing was crying too. I vaguely figured something out.

“Sha Yu, I’m sorry, I couldn’t convince my parents… We, we still have to get married and have our own kids in the future.”

My tears continuously streamed down my face, but my heart was oddly calm.

“Xiao Bing, don’t say you’re sorry, you’re so much braver than me.”

Within this endless crush that I could never admit, I unexpectedly received Chen Ruobing’s response. This response brought something that could be called touching, courageous, or whatever other word, and it had filled my heart and smoothed out any little creases on it.

Chen Ruobing sobbed endlessly on the other end.

The next day, I went to her house without warning, trying to do her parents’ job, but I was stopped at the door and not let in. I waited downstairs at her house for nearly an hour before Chen Ruobing ran out.

On a street corner with no one else around, Chen Ruobing and I embraced. I pressed my forehead against hers and kissed her. I tasted her tears, or maybe they were my own—regardless, they had already mixed together until they were indistinguishable.

Those light-hearted coming out storylines in novels didn’t happen in reality.

Not only that, but reality seemed to be heavier than imagined.

Those few days, I pretended to be strong in front of Chen Ruobing, and where there was no one around, I cried away years of tears. Sometimes I would selfishly and naively wonder, what if Chen Ruobing and I were orphans?

Then maybe we couldn’t have lived well until now.

Translator’s Notes

1. Spring Festival is another name for Chinese New Year or Lunar New Year. Back

2. Xiao Bing is a nickname for Chen Ruobing. Back

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