Chapter 16

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Because our department was under great employment pressure, from the second half of junior year, a lesser half of the class was preparing to take the graduate school entrance exam and change majors, while the rest were preparing to take the English exam to go abroad. My parents also tried to persuade me to study abroad. I was very anxious during that time, as I was at a loss what to do both academically and emotionally. I was at a critical crossroad in my life.

I was angry at Chen Ruobing to a certain degree, hating that she was so reasonable yet so callous, but there was nothing that could be done.

Afterward, I began the arduous road to take the TOEFL and GRE. I went to auxiliary classes in the evening and spent long amounts of time memorizing words and doing practice tests. At first, I still went to see Chen Ruobing, but I eventually no longer had time and only contacted her by cell phone.

One day, my roommate inadvertently asked me, “How come I don’t see your classmate coming over to see you?”

I suddenly didn’t know how to answer. It was safe to say I had never thought about it.

After my roommate asked this, she started chatting with a few others while I laid in bed, unable to sleep.

At the time, it was my first relationship in the true sense of the word, and I didn’t have any precedent to refer to, not to mention I couldn’t discuss it like other girls, but there wouldn’t be a shortage of doubts in my heart and negative emotions in our relationship.

I thought about it all night and felt that Chen Ruobing just didn’t love me that much. I tried not sending her messages, and sure enough, she didn’t take the initiative to contact me. The anti-motivational quotes I had seen back then popped up in my head. Something about only being able to love someone seventy-eight percent and keeping the rest for themselves, and something about having to be strong in order to have the initiative in love.

Hence, I experienced my craziest study period since entering college. During the day, I memorized words until I was dizzy and when I returned to my dorm at night, I would write down all the negative emotions I felt in my diary. After that I would sleep, then it would begin again.

I had already written three or four thick diaries, and Chen Ruobing would appear in them most days. Because my original intention was to write down our story, it was all about her at first, then I began to include other aspects of my life, and even later on, parts about her gradually decreased.

When I finished taking the GRE and TOEFL, Chen Ruobing began studying at the hospital’s central department and had numerous labs and professional exams, so she didn’t let me see her. Thus, during senior year, I only went a few times. It was obvious that she was intentionally keeping her distance from me. Maybe she had already made up her mind to break up with me when she persuaded me to go abroad, or even earlier.

Senior year, the several other girls in my dorm who had boyfriends broke up with them except for one girl who was from Beijing along with her boyfriend. Everyone accepted this outcome and became accustomed to the atmosphere. Interestingly enough, the ones who suggested breaking up were all the girls. Maybe girls were more sensible at critical times, or the boys were dropping hints waiting for them to bring it up, or it was just a coincidence?

I didn’t know. Their stories didn’t have any reference for me.

I took out my phone and found Chen Ruobing’s profile picture, finding that she had already been demoted to the third page.

“Have we broken up?”

Two hours later, Chen Ruobing sent two words: “I’m sorry.”

The second semester of senior year, I had nothing to do as I waited for a school’s offer. Our school didn’t have many basketball courts, and not many people played. The basketball court had been broken up into badminton courts. I later found a coach and methodically began to learn badminton. The coach asked me to practice long-distance running, so I spent all of my time running and playing ball.

Once one’s energy was focused on one or two things they liked, they could forget about the rest.

That was when I fully experienced the joy of sports again. The joy of love would leave one intoxicated, while exercising would leave one refreshed afterward. Most importantly, my heart felt free again. Although I often thought of the past, I would feel sad. But I no longer had my whole heart tied to one person.

The right to my emotions finally belonged to me.

I didn’t know whether this was a good or bad thing.

August of the same year, I arrived in the United States. My mother prepared three large suitcases for me, filled with all kinds of daily necessities, and she wanted to put pots and pans and kitchen knives in.

Until that point, I liked writing and preferred to write by hand. I took everything I had written over the years with me.

After the initial unstable period of apartment-hunting, buying second-hand furniture, registering for school, and choosing classes, everything was on track. I managed to switch to an engineering major, and the work wasn’t particularly heavy at first. There were no paper books to read at the time, so I bought a kindle and began to read e-books and began to write with a computer as well.

One night, I suddenly thought of Chen Ruobing, so I took out all of my journals and read through them. My heart didn’t hurt anymore at that point.

I suddenly had a strange idea and went to a well-known forum for Chinese people in America at that time. The forum had many sections, one of which had a nice atmosphere with few people on it, but everyone liked writing things they had on their mind. The members of that section were also friendly.

Even if it drew our relationship to a close, I decided I would write and post the story of me and Chen Ruobing.

Around that time, I happened to read the story of Wang Er and Chen Qingyang for the first time, and my mind was filled with Chen Qingyang, who was like ivy wrapped around a tree. So in my story, I changed Xiao Bing’s surname to Chen.

Translator’s Notes

1. Wang Er and Chen Qingyang are characters from the book The Golden Age by Wang Xiaobo. Back

2. I’m not completely sure what is meant by this statement because Chen Ruobing’s surname is already Chen (the same character is used in both cases as well). Back

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