Chapter 17

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TL: Single TL Translations

Chapter 17

To my apology, Aoi shook her head and started talking.

“You’re wrong. Rather I’m the one who has nothing. I, for a long time… haven’t had any friends, I’m not good at talking, and the reason I’m doing modeling was because I was scouted by chance… and since I didn’t want to stay this way forever, I started it, but… I didn’t change at all. I was nervous of people taking pictures of me, but I’m now able to do it better and since I don’t have to talk, I was able to do even better. But when I have to talk… there are a lot of times where I get nervous… I’m no good… I don’t have enough confidence… I really just make mistakes. Even with friends, sure enough, I can’t make them… I can only do well in modeling. …So, I don’t have anything… I really don’t have anything.”

Aoi said so with a sad and bitter look on her face. It was painful for me to listen because it’s this girl’s very own complex. She was really troubled and suffering because of this. Even so, Aoi still continued. She held her hand tightly and her eyes were a little moist.

“But, since I met Yuki, I’ve changed. Yuki’s always been gentle to me, and you never lied to me or do something similar… You told me to not worry about my concerns… rather you told me that I was brave; I was really happy about that and… I was able to feel a little more confident. You see, I’ve become able to speak a little better than before… I’ve stopped worrying about how I can’t talk that well. I’ve really only just been receiving from Yuki. …I was just so happy being with Yuki… I somehow became greedy for it, I guess I was asking too much from you, wasn’t I? I-I’m needy, aren’t I? Um, I’m the one at fault. …You didn’t do anything wrong, Yuki. So, I’m sorry.”

Even though that’s not true. But with what Aoi said, looking back at the Aoi until now, I understood. It makes sense for her to be jealous, wanting to be pampered and the close distance between us. My heart tightened from the Aoi who apologized to me pleadingly, so I gently placed my hand on top of Aoi’s hand. I thought of telling her things about myself I hadn’t told her about before. I can’t tell her everything, but I don’t want to hide it from her.

“You’re not needy, Aoi. I don’t mind it, rather I’m happy about it, okay? As for me, I only said ordinary things. The other day, I said you had a high opinion of me, didn’t I? I said it like that because you seem to have a little bit of a high opinion of me. I didn’t tell you, but… in the past… I tried to kill myself… I was cutting my wrist. There was a time when I was a little troubled and wanted to die, but I don’t do that now. I don’t think of doing it again and don’t plan on it either. But from then on, I’ve become a little strange. I’ve been… laughing a lot more and I don’t get sad or angry as much anymore. Plus, I’m a little forgetful and I’ve become sensitive to other people’s feelings, but since I don’t like myself, I’ve become better at getting along with others, so I don’t hurt them. I don’t want to see them sad, so I interact with them keeping that in mind… I’m not very considerate, I think. That’s why I’m not great, I’m below average.”

This is the first time I told someone this. I knew this wasn’t something to tell someone and I didn’t think I would ever, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to her if I still continued to be friends with her while knowing her darkness, yet not telling her about mine. I thought it became even more obvious that my strange self wasn’t suitable when I found out she as a celebrity. Besides, I didn’t want it to feel like I was hiding something from Aoi, who was honestly revealing her darkness. Because somewhere inside, her evaluation and fondness for me was painful.

“Yuki isn’t strange.”

Her sad expression didn’t change. Aoi’s words were heavy for me. I’m not worried about that anymore, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m strange. Because, in the past, I used to have more joy, anger, sorrow, and pleasure. But since who knows when, I don’t cry or get angry anymore. So that such things don’t happen is why I’m less sensitive and forget about things more easily. I wonder if it’s some kind of defense mechanism working to avoid me from getting hurt. While I don’t really know myself, I was probably mentally ill when cutting my wrist. I can’t firmly remember those days.

“Thanks. But it just looks that way.”

Aoi fell silent. She lowered her head with a hurt look on her face at my denial. I felt like I had lost something as a human since then, and I knew something was wrong with me. I wanted to hug Aoi who looks like she’s in pain and pat her head, but I felt like I shouldn’t touch her, so I just smiled at her.

“I’m sorry. About this kind of story. I’m not as great as you think I am Aoi. I’m strange.”

“You’re wrong. …Don’t do that.”

Aoi shakes her head in denial with a bitter voice. And then she pulls my hand and squeezes it. Aoi, who was holding my hand with both of hers, as if wrapping it, was looking at me firmly. We made firm eye contact, but I was nervous wondering what she was going to say.

“Aoi?”

“I don’t understand why Yuki would belittle herself and say such things. But that… doesn’t matter. I don’t think like that; you’re an amazing existence to me. Yuki’s really considerate and kind. You’re not strange. I was really happy about the things you said to me; I remember everything. I was so happy to find someone who really understands me… and I like Yuki, who’s always kind to me. Yuki who listens to my wishes, who spoils me even though you’re younger… I… I… really like you… more than you think, Yuki.”

My heart warms up from Aoi saying so a little shyly, making even me feel embarrassed. Who exactly is the one that’s kind; I showed a slight nod.

“So, you may think you’re strange, Yuki, but I don’t think you’re strange. Because I really don’t. If you easily forget things, then I’ll tell you over and over again; it doesn’t bother me. There are people like that. If someone says it’s strange, then I’ll explain to them that it’s not. A-And… it’s not a high opinion, okay? Yuki’s considerate and thinks about me… and that always makes me happy. It’s true that you don’t get angry or anything, but I’ve never thought you’re strange. You always look at me with a gentle smile, which sometimes makes me feel e-embarrassed… but I l-like that about you…too. T-There’s a lot of other things too, but…”

“Thank you, Aoi. I’m happy. Really.”

I gripped her hand back with force. It seems like Aoi liked me a lot more than I thought she did, and that made me so happy as well as ticklish from that feeling of being acknowledged. The funny thing is, I didn’t really ask for any opinion, so I was genuinely happy that Aoi denied me in this way. I was glad to talk to Aoi about this, even though she said she’s bad at talking, Aoi trying her best to convey this to me felt so healthy that it made my heart tighten. I had thought that something would change in our relationship the moment I told her this story.

“Yuki?”

Aoi came a little closer to me. When I thought she was naturally getting closer, she already came up right under my nose. I wonder what happened. I was startled for a moment because of this and then a bit puzzled by the uneasy Aoi. To make it easier for her to talk, I asked her ‘What’s wrong?’ to which she opened her mouth hesitantly.

“Um, When Yuki, you, um said you… cut your… wrist… I was surprised and sad, but… if you don’t have the thought of dying right now then… I’m not bothered by it. I won’t be put off by it… nor will I hate Yuki. So… will you continue to be my friend? I don’t want to stop… being friends. I don’t want to say goodbye to Yuki. I want to… get along with you more.”

I subconsciously stroked her hair to reassure Aoi who was looking at me as if clinging on to me. I feel that the Aoi who accepts me is lovely from the bottom of my heart. But Aoi still seems to be anxious even at this point. Even though you have the ability to take action by coming all the way to my house. I laughed at how adorable she is.

“That’s my line. If Aoi doesn’t want to then that’s a different story, but if that’s how you feel then that’s good.”

“T-Then, forever, okay? Since there’s no way I’ll ever hate you! Never, it’ll never happen!”

“Okay. I got it. Thank you.”

I nodded my head a few times, loving the way she desperately said it as if she were a child. And then, finally relieved, she smiled a little and leaned back against my chest sighed.

“Thank god.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. Because of me.”

I apologize to Aoi who seemed truly relieved. When I gently stroked her back with one hand, she drew closer to me.

“That’s not true, I was the one who originally didn’t tell you, and Yuki, you had your own reasons. But… I really thought… it was over. I angered Yuki and… was surprised… scared… and anxious…”

I remember yelling in anger at Aoi, who spoke in small, piteous tones and laugh bitterly. That was really bad of me. I always speak calmy and gently, so she must’ve been quite surprised. I feel like it’s been a while since I yelled in anger.

“About that, sorry. You must’ve been surprised. I’m really sorry. And I said way too much, I’m really sorry.”

“…it’s fine. But I was sad… and hurt… I thought you hated me…”

I whispered ‘I’m sorry’ to Aoi who rubbed her head against me sulkily and then hugged her tightly with both hands. It must’ve hurt her; I can only honestly tell her. I was ashamed, but I smiled a little self-deprecatingly and told her what I was thinking.

“When I thought that Aoi was an existence distant from me, I thought it was strange and unsuitable for someone like me to be near you and thought it wouldn’t been good for Aoi either. So, I said that to you.”

“Something like that! …Hey, I don’t like that. …I don’t want to hear it. Yuki isn’t like that. I didn’t like it… earlier either. Yuki isn’t strange. Don’t say that!”

“Aoi…”

Aoi, who’s sensitive about me and denied me, shows a strong rejection and grips my clothes tightly. I was surprised by that, but happy about her feelings. Her voice that sounds like she’s about to cry makes my chest tighten again, and if this continues, Aoi will start crying, so I loosen my arms, distance myself from her, and peer into her face. There are tears in her eyes already, and Aoi won’t look at me. Even though it’s not like I wanted her to have that kind of expression. I gently caressed her cheek and brought her face closer to mine. She finally looked at me but seemed to be desperately trying hard to not let her tears spill.

“I’m sorry. I won’t say it anymore. So, don’t cry, okay, Aoi?”

“Yuki, you’re really not like that, okay? I’m always really happy… about Yuki’s thoughtfulness. You always say, ‘it’s fine’, forgiving and accepting me, telling me not to worry about the way I talk… because you’re so kind to me, I get insecure thinking I’m not good enough.”

“Yeah. Thanks. I understand. I understand Aoi’s feelings.”

“Then, don’t do that anymore… I really hate it when you say stuff like that. I get sad, it feels unpleasant, and it bothers me.”

“Yeah. Sorry, okay? Aoi.”

Aoi smiled sadly with tears spilling down as she held my hand that was caressing her check. I wiped her tears away with one hand. Aoi, who blindly admires me, has been overly sensitive towards me for some time, but never before had she reacted this badly, so I made up my mind to try and not say such things anymore. Aoi must hate the fact that the person she likes is disdaining herself. The insuppressible feelings made her grip my hand tightly and not let go, letting her tears silently overflow without stopping. Of course, everyone hates it when the person they like says such things. I wouldn’t like it either. I felt guilty about my thoughtless remark and gently stroked the hand that Aoi held until she stopped crying as well as stroked her head as she rubbed her eyes.

“Aoi, I’m really sorry, okay?”

I looked at Aoi who finally stopped crying and then apologized.

“Okay.”

Though Aoi’s eyes were a little red, she slightly nodded and answered. Looks like she’s alright now. When I gently caressed her cheek, she squinted her eyes happily, and I was relieved. For the time being, the matter was settled. It seems we were able to return to normal.

“Really, thank you. I was very happy.”

“Yeah, I’m glad.”

“Fufu, then, let’s take a shower and go to sleep? You can go ahead and take a shower first.”

I urged Aoi, who had calmed down, to take a shower. Before getting into the bed, Aoi disinfected the area I fell today with a first aid kit that she usually carries and put a bandage on it. My knee was a little bruised, but, well, I think it’ll be fine. I can’t thank Aoi enough. Then we said goodnight to each other, huddled together and soon fell asleep.

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