Extra 2

CQ Extra (2) Little Annoyances of the Emperor

One leaf falls and knows autumn[1].

Unconsciously, I spend a year in the palace.

Seriously, I didn’t expect the Emperor to dote on me for so long. And almost never leaving me, sometimes he even took me with him to court.

In his words, it is: ‘All the subjects in the world respect you anyway, thus you can also establish the power of being the Holy Consort.’

I stared. What makes me a Holy Consort? I’m a fox exploiting the tiger[2], right?

However, when I’m angry with him, he will always smile and immediately hug me, “Qing-er, you’re really cute. No wonder I like you so much.”

I wrinkled my nose. I really don’t understand why the Emperor has been infatuated with me for such a long time. Well, this is another comparison. If it’s me, I wouldn’t love someone for a long time. My past life in the brothel is the best proof. So when the Emperor stayed at night with me again, I couldn’t help but ask him, “Why do you always run to me, where are your other concubines?”

Pa! The Emperor had blood in his palm. The victim was a fat mosquito who unfortunately passed by.

Then came the Emperor’s anger, “Which eunuch is in charge of HanQing courtyard? There are mosquitoes in the harem. I will have him castrated tomorrow.”

I looked at it pitifully, and castrated the eunuch? Looks like he’s really mad!

But when I saw the dead mosquito in his hand, I exclaimed, “You killed the third mistress.”

The Emperor suddenly changed color, “Who’s the third mistress?”

I tearfully watched him wipe away the fat mosquito in his hand with his handkerchief, “It’s my treasured baby ah. The third rank, it’s called the third mistress.”

“You, you, I gave you so many treasures and antiques, you—you—but gave me mosquito.” The Emperor’s face began to twist.

“What?” I looked at him innocently, “I’m bored. Besides, raising mosquitos can cultivate one’s morality and character. It can also be used as a target for my practice martial arts. How wonderful!”

“You can raise others, dogs, cats, rabbits—all up to you, but you aren’t allowed to raise mosquitoes.” The Emperor seemed to try to soften his tone as much as possible, but the sound of teeth grinding revealed his bottom.

“That way,” I bowed my head in disappointment, “Then I won’t raise any more.”

“Qing-er?” At the sight of me, the Emperor’s voice softened again, “What animal do you like? I will search it for you from the north and south of the great river[3].”

“Forget it. You said not to raise then I won’t raise.” My sorrows comes and goes quickly, “What do you think of my proposal?”

“What proposal?”

“Don’t always come to HanQing courtyard, don’t you have to go to other concubines?”

...Crack! Is the bed missing a foot?

“Qing-er, do you—want me to go to other concubines?”

“This...” I looked at the Emperor’s twisted face again and wondered if I should tell the truth. “I just think it’s a pity that so many beauties but you don’t even need much. If you don’t use it, you can give it to me...”

...Crack! The whole bed collapsed.

I hugged the bedpost on one side and said, “Why do you want to tear down the bed?”

“With your words, I’ll abolish the entire harem!” Just when I thought he was going to get dressed and leave, the Emperor suddenly turned back and gave me a vicious remark, and made a gesture of strangling me, “You’re not allowed to think about them anymore, you can only think about me! Think of me! Do you hear me?”

“The bed collapsed...” Aiya, I underestimated the destructive power of the Emperor.

The next day, I learned that I underestimated not only the Emperor’s destructive power, but also his action power.

Because there was news from the palace that the Emperor was about to abolish the harem.

“What did Madame say to the Emperor?” This is the confusion of Tong Yin’s advancement.

And I honestly puzzled them.

They glanced at each other and said, “Madame’s wisdom is really unfathomable.”

But I sighed to them, “Poor third mistress, he died this way. Xiao Yin and Xiao Jin, think of some good things for me.”

“...What does Madame want? It would be more precious to ask the Emperor!”

“Oh, really? I want to raise some cockroaches, toads and ants. Does the Emperor have some rare species?”

“...Madame, you’d better not ask the Emperor!”

———

Another day passed.

Tong Yin and Tong Jin came in smilingly while hugging a rabbit, “Madame, you don’t have to worry about finding pets. The Emperor sent a rabbit here. It’s so cute.”

“I heard that this rabbit is a famous specie, very delicate! The Emperor really love our Madame, when he heard that Madame likes small animals, he immediately sent them.”

“Really.” I beamed, took the rabbit and caressed its long hair, “It’s really cute.”

However, in a few days, the Emperor who was busy with important affairs finally appeared.

As soon as he entered HanQing courtyard, he was elated, “Now I’ve removed the entire harem. Qing-er, don’t think about concubines... Ah! This, what is this?” Ka la Ka la, it was definitely the sound of a tooth fight.

“Roasted rabbit! Does the Emperor want to eat? Fine-skinned tender meat...”

“You...you ate the long-haired rabbit I sent you!”

“Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid! I’ve left one for you. Don’t say I can’t eat alone!” I thought the Emperor was stupid and I didn’t leave it to him. I immediately handed him a rabbit leg.

“Aiya!” The Emperor looked a little dumbfounded, “How can I put ordinary people’s thinking on you?”

“What?”

“No, no!” The Emperor took the rabbit’s leg and smiled, “I made a mistake. I forgot you are my unique consort Qing.”

Of course I’m unique. I squinted and raised my eyebrows. I looked at the Emperor who was laughing in disarray and decided to reassess his IQ.

Footnotes

yīyèluòérzhītiānxiàqiū - metaphor; through individual subtle signs, you can see the development trends and results of the entire situation

hújiǎhǔwēi (idiom) - to use powerful connections to intimidate people

Dàjiāngnánběi (idiom) - all over China