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Xi Yu's Love Letter (1)

[Background: Shen Zhi caught a cold in winter because he ate too much ice cream]

Freshman (third) class, Shen Zhi:

First of all, I would like to say that you are no longer allowed to eat ice cream in cold weather.

Then the thing I would say next is I miss you.

I went to lunch with a project partner today. I passed by the restaurant where we went to eat together last time. I suddenly missed you so much. I think the day is too long. We can only see each other once a day, less than 16 hours at a time. The last time I was so resentful and helpless about time was in kindergarten. Would you like to come to my office tomorrow? You don't have to feel embarrassed, they all want you to be there since I won't scold people when you're there.

Are you thinking about me? I just thought of an unreasonable question. Although it is unreasonable, I can't help but ask you: Do you think of me more or love me more now?

I recently saw "The Seven Year Itch"[1]. Do you have it? I don't have it.

[1] A movie but also an idiom. The seven year itch - the supposed inclination of a person, typically a man, to begin longing for sexual relations with other people after seven years of marriage.

You are not allowed to have either.

I'm just thinking about whether I should take care of my hands more.

I don't even understand why two people become cold because they have been together for a long time. This doesn't make sense to me. I have seen drunk men die with bottles in their hands, people in their wards secretly hiding in the corner to smoke, and addicts let their lives sink regardless of their wealth. I think love is the same. I am addicted to you. The longer it lasts, the more difficult it is to quit. Does anyone quit drugs because they had been doing drugs for a long time?

Am I playing another bad metaphor? But the thoughts were the same. You must know what I mean.

However, you can't get addicted to eating ice cream in winter.

A few nights ago, you wouldn't come close to me because you were coughing in your sleep, which made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like I had grown an extra finger for no reason at all. I can't help but wonder if you can genetically change me from my thoughts and perceptions.

You don't know what hideous mess I am talking about, right? Well, I don't know either. I've always been like this since I was with you. Don't laugh.

But when I saw that you can't sleep well at night and you frequently cough, I felt distressed. When you cough, my heart feels like it is being pulled. So, you should save all your ice cream for summer, okay? I will supervise you without mercy.

I've never thought about this much before, but that night when you can't sleep well, I start to have a fear of diseases, even if it's just as trivial as a small cold. I can't help but think that a small cold can become a huge threat to us when we're all old. Birth, old age, sickness, and death[2] used to be normal words for me. But when I think about you in connection with these words, it's not normal at all, and I can't even help but be afraid. I want you to comfort me, to hug you, to kiss you, to feel your trembling and warm body under me. Thinking about it now, is it ok tonight?

[2] Birth, old age, sickness, and death are considered by Buddhism to be the four "sufferings" that must be experienced in life.

No, you just caught a cold, so sleep well tonight. Although I really want to. Can you use your hand instead?

In the future, we will go hiking on weekends and live a long life.

Junior (First) class, Xi Yu

Xi Yu's Love Letter (2)

[Background: The two grew old together and Shen Zhi passed away]

Dear Shen Zhi:

I am not well.

I feel very uncomfortable. Can you comfort me?

My eyes have gotten worse in the past two days. Now I can't read my writing clearly. I probably write in a very scribbled mess. I'm afraid you will blame me. But I know you are good, you have never blamed me for anything. This is probably the last letter because you won't read it to me after I finish writing it. I'm not as good as you. If you don't read it, I'll make trouble. So this last letter, you owe this to me, I will wait for you to read it to me.

Looking at you every day, I don't feel you are getting older at all. But when I saw the photo of you when you were young on the tombstone, I only realized that we are really old.

Birth, old age, sickness, and death, I know it's common sense, but now I hate these four words. Everyone says that when you get older and live for a long time, you will look down on everything and face everything calmly. I think the people who can say this are those who don't have their own Shen Zhi. I'm old enough to be buried, but I am not calm at all.

In the past few days after you left, I often felt that I was deeply wronged and couldn't help being angry. I always felt that someone owed me, but I didn't know who to ask for repayment. Who can give me back my Shen Zhi?

I regret it a little. I haven't been able to raise a cat and a dog at home before, at least they should be able to share the emptiness and silence in the house. Only a few pots of flowers on the balcony, which you took good care of, but they haven't bloomed this year, as if they've gone with you. You really left me, you left nothing but me.

I really want to hug you.

I've been thinking back to the time when we first met. I haven't forgotten it at all like it was yesterday. You're so good-looking, and you seem to be indifferent to everything, but you like to cry in front of me.

I would have secretly rejoiced in my heart before as if this was proof that you really cared about me. Now when I think of you crying, my heart feels heavy. I shouldn't make you cry, happy or sad. I shouldn't make you cry, because I have cried enough these past two days, thinking about the times when we were happy before, and thinking about the time when I was the only one who felt wronged. When I cried, the corners of my eyes stung, my heart ached, and I felt nothing at all. I shouldn't have made you cry.

The decades that I have spent with you have been the greatest happiness in my life. I can't help but want to leave with you, but at the same time I'm afraid when I leave, will our story really end? I don't want to let go.

Every night is a rare time when I can calm down, neither wronged nor angry, just empty and uncomfortable. I envy those who were born in the age of ignorance. They believe in souls and reincarnation, and they can find new hope in the word death. I even selfishly and absurdly hope that the so-called science we have now is false evidence, and when I leave, I will see you waiting for me. If you can wait for me, then you must wait for me. If you don't wait for me, then I will make trouble.

It was getting dark again, and I couldn't read a word. It's time for me to go to bed, to take your pillow.

I don't know how to get through the next day.

Every night after you leave, I look forward to your coming and I look forward to leaving.

Your husband,

Xi Yu

Afterword:

In the autumn of the same year, Xi Yu passed away and was buried with Shen Zhi, and they will be together forever.

Author's Weibo: @西柚上发条

Translator's Corner: This is the end of this story. I hope you enjoyed reading and I'm so sorry for the late update, I've been assigned to a new shifting schedule (night shift) so I'm still adjusting. I also started a new project His Lover's Replica, abo genre, and micro scifi with lots of meat. Read here if you're interested.