Chapter 21

That day, I was doing a pencil sketch.

Oil paints take a long time to dry. Especially in winter, the paint dries very slowly. So, oil painting takes a lot of time, and in the end, I end up doing pencil sketches or watercolors in between.

I've heard that the basics of painting are in sketching. It's not that I like pencil sketching because of that, but I don't really dislike it. There is a frustrating feeling when I can't draw as I want, and a regret when I can't express myself well, but as I accumulate more and more, these feelings gradually decrease, and it just becomes a simple joy of drawing, which is fun.

...It was raining outside.

Why is winter rain so cold? But, I don't really dislike this cold.

Somehow, I feel the most relaxed when it's a little cold. So, I don't turn on the heater much.

In a slightly cold room, I don't turn on the lights much, and while rubbing my cold hands, I just move the pencil. It's somehow relaxing.

...However, there is someone in this house who doesn't approve of me being in a cold room.

"Togo, you're not wet, right? You'll catch a cold."

"Uh-huh."

The teacher came over with a towel in hand. Probably, the teacher saw my shoes at the entrance but not my umbrella and realized I had come without an umbrella. Yeah, I didn't have an umbrella today, so there was no choice.

...And as the teacher expected, I was wet.

Of course, I wiped my hands. If I didn't, the paper would get wet during the sketch, which would be a disaster.

However, I didn't really dry my hair. Or rather, even if I dried it, it wouldn't dry quickly, so I've given up.

"...Hey, what's with the cold in this room? You haven't turned on the air conditioner again, have you?"

"Uh-huh."

"Even if I say it's okay to turn it on, you don't, do you? You use the air conditioner in summer... So, do you like the cold?"

"Uh-huh."

When I answered, the teacher laughed happily.

"That's good, but you should dry your hair. You'll really catch a cold. Come here."

The teacher put the towel on my head and rubbed it roughly. It wasn't very skillful.

"I can dry it myself."

"No, just a little more. It's not often you get such an opportunity, so I want to experience it. ...I guess it's like drying a large dog, right?"

It might be, but how similar is the feeling of drying me to drying a large dog? I don't know, so I can't say.

However, I let the teacher dry me until they were satisfied.

After being dried by the teacher, I felt a bit deflated, so I decided to take a break. The teacher seemed to have come for a break as well, so it was perfect. We took a break together.

I held the cup of cocoa the teacher brought with both hands to warm my fingertips. I quite like this feeling of my fingers melting.

"Ah, the rain seems to be letting up. It's weakening."

The teacher, holding a cup of cocoa, looked out the window and said that.

By the way, the teacher isn't drinking the cocoa yet. The reason is that the teacher has a sensitive tongue. Incidentally, I also have a sensitive tongue. So, we both can't drink the cocoa while it's hot. However, a cup of hot cocoa is a good hot water bottle, so I think it's just right.

"It seems the rain will stop by the time you go home. That's good. You'd be in trouble if someone lent you an umbrella, right..."

"Uh-huh."

"Take your time until the rain stops."

"Uh-huh."

I hoped the rain would last a little longer and took a sip of the cup.

...Of course, since the teacher had given up on their cup, it was still a bit too hot for me to drink.

So, for a while longer, the cup of cocoa would be a hot water bottle for my hands.

While warming my hands with the cup of cocoa, I looked at the desk.

On the desk were several sheets of paper. There were papers I had drawn on, but more were papers I intended to draw on.

If there was one extra sheet of paper from a class handout, I would take it to use for drawing. If I got blank paper, I would be happy to bring it home for drawing. So, double-sided printing is my enemy.

...However, among the papers on the desk, there were some that, despite being single-sided, couldn't be used for drawing.

"What's wrong, Togo... Ah, I see."

The teacher, probably seeing my troubled expression, looked at the desk and nodded in understanding after picking up a handout.

...The handout the teacher picked up was the one for the course selection survey.

Looking at the handout titled "Course Selection Survey," the teacher seemed to understand my feelings.

"I see. It's that time of year, isn't it? The science or arts selection was around summer, wasn't it? Let's see... Ah, the Faculty of Law. I see. It's quite a decent facade. That's good."

"Uh-huh."

The teacher smiled wryly at my "facade."

...This is my "facade," they said.

It's a relief to have someone who can understand my feelings.

I probably survive by being understood by the teacher.

"Hmm... It seems you find it hard to write this. The deadline is approaching, isn't it?"

"...Uh-huh."

I don't like course selection surveys. I have to lie. And then, even if that lie is my true feeling, I have to pile on more lies.

Each time, it feels like my feelings are being buried inside me.

They are dug up by the teacher, but many people come to bury my feelings.

That's scary.

"Hmm... I'm much better off than you, but I have similar experiences."

The teacher, still holding the cup, leaned against the wall near the window.

"I also often have to lie on paper. I think you know... but..."

Yeah, I know. The teacher also has to tell lies they don't want to tell and hide their feelings. It might be even harder for them than for me.

"...For example, every year, I have to lie and say 'I enjoyed the noodles' about the noodles that are sent to me every year. Yeah, it's really frustrating."

Well... Yeah. I enjoy all the noodles.

...In that sense, since 'Sakagami Togo' enjoys them, maybe the teacher's statement isn't entirely a lie.

"Well, leaving the noodles aside, it seems you don't really know what you want to write on this course selection survey."

...I was at a loss for words.

I reflected on my feelings, but I couldn't put them into shape.

I like drawing. But, I can't express that well.

I want to draw. I want to keep drawing forever. But, that's all... there's nothing beyond that.

There's nothing. It shouldn't be there. That's how I feel.

I want something to be there. But, I feel I shouldn't say that.

At least, I can't write 'I want to be an artist' on the course selection survey. What I want to write is probably not that...

...Looking at me, the teacher laughed happily.

"That's right. You seem to like drawing. From my perspective, you look very happy and good when you're drawing."

"Uh-huh."

"That's why I hope you can live a life doing what you want to do. Of course, I know it's difficult, but..."

"...Uh-huh."

I also know. There are many reasons why it's difficult. I know that. That's why I don't know what to write on the course selection survey, and in the end, I write 'Faculty of Law.'

What am I missing? Words? Courage? I don't even know.

"But, Togo, you don't need to entrust everything to a single piece of paper."

The teacher put the course selection survey handout back on the desk.

"What you write here isn't everything about you."

"Uh-huh."

What's written here isn't what I want. There are many things I want to write but can't, and many things I can't express in words. ...I can't see them clearly yet, and they haven't taken shape. I feel like I shouldn't shape them, either.

"Even if you have to compromise with reality. Even if you can't see the future clearly. Even if there are things you have to give up. Still, you shouldn't lose sight of who you are."

The teacher said this without looking directly at me.

"Who you are. That's something you can keep hidden in your heart, no matter what, even if you throw everything else away."

"Hidden...?"

When I reacted a little, the teacher smiled and looked at me.

"Yeah. Keep it hidden. There are people who will try to destroy the treasure you cherish as soon as they find it. It's better to keep it hidden."

The teacher's words are something no one else would say.

And it's probably what I wanted to hear.

"...Uh-huh."

"Of course... It's all frustrating. It's all frustrating. You have to lie on this paper. You probably have many feelings that can't be put into words, and you probably don't know what you want to be."

"Uh-huh."

I have to lie and hide my true feelings. Things that would be destroyed if revealed must be hidden.

But that doesn't mean I should pretend not to see them or forget them.

Feelings that can't be put into words can also be hidden. They can be slowly warmed in my heart... like a bird's egg, waiting to hatch one day.

One day.

"...Well, one day."

The teacher, who had somehow finished the cocoa, was aimlessly fiddling with the empty cup and smiled at me.

"One day, I hope you can put your true feelings into words."

"...Uh-huh."

I also hope that.

I hope the day will come when I can shape the things I've been hiding and warming in my heart.

"If your feelings can be put into words, let me know. I want to hear how you express yourself."

"...You know I'm bad with words."

"Haha. Yeah, you are. But you also know that I'm a terrible artist, yet you sometimes make me draw. We're even."

"Uh-huh."

We're even. Yeah, we're even.

Both the teacher and I are full of things we can't control.

"Right. So, will you tell me one day?"

Seeing the teacher's grin, I nodded.

"Uh-huh."

One day. I'll try to put it into words properly.

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Chapter 2: Putting It into Words

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When I was taken to Faye's house, I received a warm welcome from her father and brother.

"Togo! Welcome!"

"We've heard from Faye! Thank you so much!"

Even before I entered the house, I was a bit surprised. No, I was quite surprised. Did these people wait at the entrance all this time...?

"Come in, come in! Let's go inside! Have you had breakfast yet?"

"Yeah! I'm hungry."

"Is that so? What about you, Togo?"

"...A little."

"That's right, that's right! Eat a lot!"

...And so, I found myself visiting the Redgard family again.

Well... I don't really need that much breakfast...

In the end, I ate quite a lot. I was surprised myself. I kept eating a little more, a little more, and before I knew it, I had eaten a lot.

But it didn't feel bad. Because the Redgard family's food is really delicious.

And it was fun. Faye would say something, get scolded by her brother, and her father would laugh. Or, her brother would come up with an idea, her father would react, and Faye would think of something better. Just listening to their conversation was fun.

...The lively and enjoyable table felt fresh.

"Alright, Togo. Eat a lot! You should eat more, I think."

"Um... Uh-huh."

I think Faye was looking at my build. I do fall into the 'slim' category when measured by BMI, and sometimes even 'too slim.' Yeah, I'm a bit conscious about my build. But, eating doesn't necessarily make you gain weight. Some people can't gain weight no matter how much they eat. I don't eat much, but...

"Hmm... Togo, do you usually not eat much?"

"No, I do eat."

"Ah, Dad. You can't rely on what he says. He's the type who's satisfied with one piece of fruit."

Yeah. Faye immediately spilled the beans.

"That's not good. You should eat more."

I immediately made Mr. Redgard's face cloud over. When he makes that face, I feel guilty, but... I can't help it. Since I became a high school student, I've skipped lunch almost every day, but it was for drawing...

"Ah, Dad. It's no use telling him that. When he's drawing, he forgets about everything. So, it can't be helped."

...Yeah.

My drawing and forgetting about things... it can't be helped.

But, it's nice to hear someone other than me say it...

Faye is a good person. Really.

"Oh, is that so? Then..."

Faye's father, without much thought, just looked at me and said casually,

"Togo, if you're willing, would you like to live in this mansion?"

"Huh?"

"What do you think? You seem young. If you need someone's protection, our family can take care of it. We can provide for your meals and lodging. And you can take your time drawing."

Live here. In this mansion. And spend my days drawing...

...When this was suddenly proposed, I was at a loss.

"Um..."

...I looked around.

Faye, her brother, and her father at the same table. The servants were also smiling at me. It didn't feel bad.

It didn't feel bad, but... I didn't feel like I belonged here.

This wonderful family isn't my family.

"...There are a lot of horses in the forest..."

So, I said that.

It was a very kind offer, but for some reason, I felt I couldn't accept it. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I just felt I shouldn't.

"I see. Oh, right, you're well-liked by unicorns and pegasi, aren't you?"

"I've heard from Faye that you even caught poachers."

Ah, the horse story was known.

"Pegasi liking a person is rare, but a male being liked by a unicorn is even rarer. Yeah, it's true. It would be unfair to them to take you away from the forest."

Faye's father laughed. I was relieved that he didn't take it badly. It seems this family, like Faye, is very straightforward.

"Well, it can't be helped. Hmm... I thought it would be fun if you lived here. Well, come visit often."

...It seems they are all very much like Faye.

Yeah. I see. If they thought it would be fun, that's an honor.

"By the way, Togo, have you thought about what I said earlier?"

"Huh?"

After the warm welcome, breakfast, and the offer to live here, I had forgotten about this.

"About becoming our family's resident artist!"

"But, the horses in the forest..."

"No, no. You don't have to live here. But, becoming our exclusive artist is fine, isn't it?"

Well... When I looked at