Chapter 46

So, I'll do my best.

I'll try to analyze my feelings that I've kept buried so far.

And I'll put them into words. That's my goal for today.

...I'm not good at this. Not at all.

But... I can't keep saying I'm not good at it, so I have to do my best. Not just for Fay, but for myself, too.

So, I sat on the bed in the guest room, which has become like my own, and thought deeply.

What I was thinking about... was something I had also thought about a little at the Gioren household.

The idea that 'drawing' and 'making a living by drawing' are different.

But, I had to think about more than just that. My thoughts kept wandering everywhere, and I couldn't focus. Maybe I just didn't want to think about it.

"Hey."

Laokles spoke to me, who was in such a state.

"What are you worrying about?"

"About making a living by drawing."

When I answered, he nodded as if to say, "Well, I figured as much."

"...Are you getting anywhere with your thoughts?"

"Um... "

To be honest, I don't think I'm getting anywhere. But I have to. I can't afford to show any weakness...

"Then try talking about it. I don't think I can give you any advice, but talking to someone might help you organize your thoughts."

...But, Laokles said that and brought a chair over to sit across from me.

Can talking help organize my thoughts?

"...My teacher said the same thing."

Yeah. I think my teacher said something similar. 'It seems that programmers explain their code to the void or a toy duck to realize their mistakes or come up with solutions. I'm not a programmer, but it surprisingly works. However, I don't recommend doing it to a wall, as it might drive you crazy...' or something like that.

And then, 'As long as you're talking to Togo and not a wall, I don't think it will affect your mental health. So, Togo, I'm sorry, but can you be the one I talk to? You don't have to listen. You can just keep drawing!' he would say while talking endlessly beside me as I drew.

"Teacher? ...Huh, so you were told by your master?"

"Yeah. So, we're the same."

It seems Laokles also learned this from someone he respects. Yeah. I feel a bit closer to him now.

"...So, how about it? I might not be the best person, but..."

"No, that's not true."

Laokles' offer is very helpful. Yeah. That's right. To put things into words, it's better to try and say them. I'm sure that's the case.

"...So, I'm sorry, but can you listen to me for a bit?"

"Yeah."

So, I decided to try and put my thoughts into words with Laokles as my audience.

"Can I make a living by drawing? Is it okay to make it my job?"

Just saying that out loud made my head feel a bit clearer. Amazing.

"...Wasn't it about making it a job?"

"No, it is, but... I think I can keep drawing even if I don't make it my job."

Laokles nodded.

"Right."

"Yeah."

Yeah.

...If it ended there, there wouldn't be any problem.

"I want to keep drawing. So, if my reason for wanting to become the Redgard family's resident artist is for stability or safety, or out of a sense of duty to Fay and the Redgard family, I think I should stop. But even after considering all that, I'm still hesitant."

Something is holding me back. I don't know what it is, but something is definitely holding me back, and I'm hesitating.

"Then, you must also find some appeal in contracting with the Redgard family."

"Um... Yeah, probably."

I'm not sure. That part is still unclear.

Maybe it's fame. Do I want that as a resident artist? If that's the case, it's... embarrassing? Shallow? Dishonorable? I'm not sure. But I do feel guilty. I think I shouldn't seek fame. I feel like I need to keep that under wraps.

Then, is it money that I'm drawn to? No, I don't think so. I don't think I need money. I feel like I could live off the gems I draw.

But still, there's something about 'making drawing a career' that draws me in.

I know it's wrong, but I still want to reach for it.

I know it's wrong. It's wrong.

"...Even though I know it's wrong, I still can't help but be curious."

Why? I don't understand my own feelings.

...When I was a bit confused, Laokles suddenly said,

"Admiration, perhaps?"

"Admiration."

"Yeah. Is it different?"

Admiration. Admiration...

When I whispered the word, it settled in me, as if it had always been there.

...So, it seems I've been admiring 'making drawing a career.'

Admiration. Yeah. So, I've been admiring making drawing a career. ...I'm still admiring it. That's what it is.

Amazing. Talking with Laokles helps my thoughts turn into words.

When thoughts turn into words, I can recognize my feelings. I'm a bit surprised by my own feelings right now.

"If it's admiration, you should make it your job. It's within reach. You just have to choose it. What is there to hesitate about?"

Then, Laokles resumed the conversation. Yeah. I'm grateful.

"What are you worried about? Your skills not meeting their expectations? You don't have to worry about making a living. It's not like you have a problem with drawing itself, right?"

"I don't know. Maybe all of it."

When I answered that, Laokles looked surprised.

"...Even making a living? I don't think you have a problem with drawing."

"Um... Maybe it's 'making a living by drawing.' About drawing itself... um..."

I said that while searching for the root of the vague feeling inside me. What is it?

...Even when I think about it, my thoughts don't come together. So, I'll just say what I can.

"...I have a resistance to selling my drawings."

"I see."

"I don't like the idea of my favorite drawings being used for things I don't like."

"I see."

"And I don't like the idea of drawing and selling being the same thing."

"Ah, I see."

"And I don't like the idea of selling something that's not a drawing while drawing."

"...I see."

"...I don't like the idea of hating drawing because of it."

When I said that, Laokles nodded in understanding.

Yeah. ...I think choosing to make drawing a career is different from just drawing.

Drawing becomes an obligation. I'd have to prioritize work over my feelings. I might lose track of my feelings.

Especially in my case, 'drawing' and 'materializing' are closely linked. I feel like I might lose track of whether I'm drawing or materializing something.

"If I start hating drawing, I think... I'll be a different person."

"...Yeah."

More than anything, drawing is a pillar that supports me as a person. If I start hating drawing, I won't be me anymore.

I don't want that... and then.

And then.

"What I'm most afraid of is... what comes after."

After that.

If I try to solve all the issues I have with 'making drawing a career' without compromising myself... the wall I'll have to overcome will be incredibly high.

"To push through all that and make drawing my career, I need the kind of talent that many people will recognize, and fundamentally..."

I took a deep breath.

My breathing is fast. My heart is racing. I shouldn't go there.

But, I have to put it into words.

"To make drawing my career, I need to be recognized by people... and I think I'm afraid of that."

I'm afraid of having to be recognized by people.

For a while, it was quiet.

My head was swirling with memories from school and home. They were all scary or unpleasant, or a mix of both, and the scenes, voices, and gazes from those times were overwhelming me.

The gold medal I won at the art exhibition. The drawings displayed in my room. The essay I wrote about my dream for the future. My parents' troubled faces. The paper without a number. The wall in my room where the drawing was peeled off.

The gold paper I saw in a garbage bag.

The art textbook. Watercolor and acrylic paints. The sketchbook I bought with my allowance.

The 'Law' I wrote on the career preference survey. My parents' smiles. Praise for proper behavior.

...There should be some pleasant memories, some happy and joyful ones, but none of them came to mind. Only the scary and unpleasant ones overflowed.

"Hey."

I shrank back when Laokles reached out, feeling cold, with no sensation in my hands, scared, unable to move, and unable to breathe or think.

...But, I somehow managed to push those thoughts out of my head, put them away, and deal with them.

It's okay. I've done this many times before. I know it's best not to remember these things.

After a few deep breaths, I was okay.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and looked up.

...Then, I met Laokles' gaze.

It seems he had been staring at me. Probably the whole time while I was dealing with my thoughts.

...Laokles exhaled slowly and deeply. It was like a sigh, but not quite. It seemed like he was trying his best to show that it wasn't a sigh of disappointment or despair. It also seemed like he was trying to calm himself down.

"Togo."

"Yeah."

Hearing my name, I calmed down a bit. Then, I remembered that this might be the first time Laokles has called me by my name.

"...I don't know if I should say this, but..."

"...Yeah."

And Laokles, hesitating, hesitating... carefully, said,

"Then, is that not your admiration?"

"Is it that you admire being recognized by others for your drawing, and that's why you're afraid?"

For a while, the words didn't register.

But, after repeating them in my head a few times and slowly, slowly digesting them, I calmed down.

Then, I gradually started to put my thoughts into words and examine my inner self.

"...I didn't have the courage to be recognized. I didn't have the determination to make others recognize me."

I tried to speak without recalling too much.

But, when I said it out loud, it felt like someone else's story, and my head didn't feel as bad as I thought it would.

"I didn't think I could be recognized."

"...I see."

I paused, took a breath, and exhaled.

...Yeah, it's okay.

Maybe it's surprisingly okay. Maybe putting things into words is a very healthy thing. At least, it's better than keeping everything inside.

In fact, now, I'm facing my fears more easily than I thought I would.

"That's why I wrote 'Law' on the career preference survey."

"Hogaku-bu?"

Yeah. 'Law.'

I thought it was a safe and typical answer for 'Sakagami Togo.'

...It was easier to show 'Sakagami Togo' than to show 'Togo.'

I was scared, so I put on the 'Sakagami Togo' shell. That way, 'Togo' was safe.

Maybe I was foolish. I knew I would suffocate and die in that hard, narrow shell.

But, I had no choice. I think I had no choice.

Still, I was alive. My teacher would sometimes lift the edge of the shell I was in and say, "Togo, you really love drawing, don't you?"

So, I was alive. And when I came to this world... I wanted to live.

This 'wanting to live' isn't about making my heart beat and breathing, but a much more selfish 'wanting to live.'

Is it okay for me to live? Is it okay for me to be allowed to live in this world?

"...I have the feeling of wanting to be recognized and the fear of not meeting expectations."

When I said it out loud, the fear seemed to outweigh the other feelings. But, Laokles was listening quietly in front of me, so I had to say it.

"But, I think the reason I'm still hesitating... is because I'm admiring it."

"Being recognized by others. Being recognized for who I am."

...I think this world isn't much different from my original world. I thought this after this incident.

I think I'll be valued more for materializing my drawings than for drawing itself.

I think I'll be valued more for myself than for my drawings.

...And that value will bury me. I'll be led to 'success' unrelated to drawing, and then, I'll probably... die.

This 'dying' isn't about my heart stopping and my breathing ceasing, but a 'death' of something non-physical.

It's the same in any world.

In the end, I... to live, I have to be given up on.

"I like drawing. If I can't draw, it's almost the same as being dead. So, even if I know that drawing won't lead to a successful life, I want to keep drawing. I want to keep drawing even if it means a failed life."

"You seem like the kind of person who would do that."

Laokles nodded with a slightly relieved look. It made me feel happy and reassured.

But, I closed my eyes.

This isn't for Laokles or for me, but for the people I most want to say it to and the people I most need to say it to.

"I want you to allow me to choose the path where I might fail. I don't need your support."

"...I've wanted to say this for a long time."

Finally, I could say it.

When I said it out loud, it was very scary.

But, I felt like I could finally breathe. It felt like a newborn baby taking its first breath.

...If my teacher heard this, would he laugh and say it's a simple statement? Would he laugh and say it's a good thing because it's me? ...Well, whatever, I think he would be happy.

I liked my teacher's bad doodles, and apparently, he liked my words.

Then... if my parents heard this, what would they say?

Would they be angry? Would they disown me silently? Would they put me in a mental hospital?

...Would they pretend nothing happened the next day? Yeah. I think that's what would happen. 'Togo' would probably be erased, and I would continue to be 'Sakagami Togo.' In that way... and I would probably be 'successful.' Without wanting it. Just as I was expected to be. 'Togo' would be erased.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah, a lot."

When I realized this is what I wanted to say, I felt a lot better.

I'm admiring making drawing a career because, for me, being able to make a living by drawing means being recognized for drawing.

"I don't need 'success.' Of course, I know I can't