Chapter 48

The rain fell in a torrent, drowning out all the surrounding sounds.

The surroundings, which had been bright just a moment ago, were now dim. The rainwater clouded my vision, making it hard to see clearly.

As I walked through it, I could feel my already cold body growing even colder.

People with umbrellas passed by, giving me suspicious looks. I didn’t think anyone said anything, and if they did, I probably wouldn’t have heard it over the rain.

I wandered aimlessly, not even knowing where I was going.

But before I knew it, I had arrived in front of my teacher’s house.

Last summer, the library was closed for a week due to some construction. During that time, I visited my teacher’s house.

Since then, we would meet at the library or chat at a café, but this was the first time I had come to my teacher’s house like this.

I had come without any prior notice, but the lights were on in the house.

...Seeing the lights, I suddenly felt out of place and remembered that I shouldn’t be intruding here... I couldn’t bring myself to ring the doorbell.

The rain continued to pour as intensely as before. I stood under the eaves of my teacher’s house, dripping with rainwater, and just stood there.

...That’s when it happened.

"Whoa!? What is it!? Who’s there!? It’s Togo!?"

The front door opened, and my teacher came out with an umbrella, looking at me in great surprise.

"…Oh, you’re not a ghost? Then it’s fine."

Then my teacher bent down and chopped at my calves a few times, apparently to confirm that I had legs.

...Watching my teacher do this, my tension from before disappeared.

"Really, if you were going to come, you didn’t have to try to scare me like that, Togo! I’m not good with horror, you know? Come on, come on, come inside!"

I, who had felt out of place, had somehow backed away. Even my decision to come here in the rain without an umbrella had made me feel out of place.

"Hey, were you going out somewhere, teacher?"

"Ah, it’s fine now. I was just going to take a walk in the rain for a change. But now, I don’t need to. Thanks to you, I feel great. Really, you have perfect timing."

Listening to my teacher laugh, I stepped into the entrance.

After that, I took a warm shower and, once I was warm, my teacher lent me a T-shirt. I didn’t have any pants, so I wrapped a bath towel around my lower half and came out of the changing room.

"Alright. This is the line between me not becoming a criminal and being one, but it’s fine. It’s better than making a middle schooler wear my unwashed track pants without any underwear!"

"Sorry."

"Don’t apologize to me; apologize to your underwear. I’m sure your underwear didn’t expect to get so wet from the rain."

My teacher said this, so I bowed slightly to my clothes, which were spinning in the dryer. Yeah. Sorry.

"Well, on days like this, it’s best to stay inside and relax, Togo. Although, I don’t have much credibility saying that, considering I was about to go for a walk."

I was led to the usual room and sat on the sofa. A cup of room temperature barley tea was placed on the coffee table in front of me.

My cold body was already warming up, so the room temperature tea was just right. I gratefully took a sip.

"...So, Togo. Is there something on your mind?"

My teacher sat across from me and asked, sipping the tea.

"I thought you must have something you want to talk about, since you came here. How about it?"

"...Yeah."

When my teacher asked, I remembered.

What happened before I came out in the rain.

...As I remembered, it felt like it was raining again.

"I was thrown away."

A feeling of my throat tightening. My tongue felt tangled, but I still managed to say it to my teacher.

"The paints, crayons, colored pencils... the art textbook and sketchbook. When I got home, they were gone. They said they were already thrown out."

My teacher sat next to me again, silently, and placed a hand on my head without looking at me.

"Your... parents throw things away quickly, don’t they? They did the same three years ago... but I won’t say that now. Just..."

...My teacher was struggling to choose the right words. My teacher, who is much better with words than I am.

I knew I was causing trouble for my teacher, so I spoke up before my teacher could.

"I’m sad and frustrated that they’re gone. And I’m frustrated that they said I could throw away such useless things."

Surprisingly, the words came out easily. It was hard to speak, but I knew exactly what I wanted to say.

"I never thought they were useless. They were important and necessary..."

When I come to my teacher’s house, I feel like I can speak a little better.

I think it’s because I’m influenced by my teacher, and most importantly, because my teacher listens to what I say. So, it’s not a waste to speak, and that’s why I can speak.

"...Even if they were useless, I didn’t want to throw them away."

"...I see. That’s right. There’s no such thing as 'useless things.' Maybe they were just trivial to your parents, but they weren’t to you... Losing something precious is sad and frustrating. That’s right."

My teacher said this, then seemed to recall something, with a dark expression, and then... let out a sigh along with some words.

"...You know, Togo. I think there are things that can be thrown away and things that shouldn’t be."

"For example... I was going to take a walk in the rain. There was no particular reason. It’s useless. Really useless."

"Yeah."

By the way, my coming here was probably useless too. At least, my parents would say it was.

"But, I probably get something from walking in the rain. It could be the quiet of the street, where the sound of the rain drowns out everything else, or the streetlights illuminated by the rain, or the feeling of my shirt sleeve getting wet and sticking to me, things like that."

I imagined it.

...Yeah. I understand. I understand.

The street, silent because of the rain. The streetlights, whose shapes are revealed by the rain. The shirt, cold and damp, but eventually warming up with my body heat. I understand.

"Do you understand?"

"Yeah. I like it."

"Yeah. I like it too. But it’s useless. Really useless. ...But, it’s necessary for me!"

My teacher said this with a laugh and walked over to the window. I followed and joined my teacher at the window... My teacher opened the curtains.

Unfortunately, the outside was already dark, but I could see the rain hitting the window glass.

The transparent raindrops fell on the transparent glass. ...Watching this, I felt the lump in my throat from before gradually disappear.

"...Is it good?"

"Huh?"

Not understanding what I was being asked, I repeated the question, and my teacher smiled mischievously.

"Our bodies die if we don’t eat. But, I think our hearts also need to eat to live... "

Then, my teacher said, as if revealing a secret of the world, in a low voice.

"I think the food for our hearts is what the world generally calls 'useless.'"

"You look hungry, Togo. It seems your heart is quite a big eater?"

"...Yeah."

I was taken aback, a bit dazed, and felt like I was floating, but I responded.

"Probably. I think so too. People’s heart efficiency is different... but I think our hearts are inefficient."

"Yeah."

"That’s why we need a lot of useless things. Especially since your heart is in a growth period, you probably need to eat more useless things and grow up strong."

...I touched my chest. There’s no heart there, but I did it instinctively.

Then, I could feel the beating of my heart in my hand.

Thump. The vibration felt fresh, and I... probably, used it as food for my heart.

"Got it? Togo. Don’t forget. There are things that can be thrown away and things that shouldn’t be. Even if it doesn’t help anyone, even if it doesn’t provide a livelihood, even if others call it useless... don’t throw away the feeling of finding the sky beautiful. Because it’s food for our hearts!"

...I think this is what it feels like to have a revelation.

Right. This is what I need. The sound of the rain. The color of flowers. The temperature of the wind. The brightness of the sunlight.

Or writing on a fogged-up window. Crushing bubble wrap with my fingers. Stepping on frozen puddles on a cold day. Reading a 'useless' book.

...All of these are food for my heart.

So, they shouldn’t be thrown away.

It’s not right to think that it was right for them to be thrown away.

They were important, food for my heart.

"That’s why, we need these things in our lives. No matter what anyone says. So..."

My teacher looked at me... and placed a hand on my head again.

"Well, I can’t do much about the sadness of losing something or the sadness of being misunderstood... but I can at least provide something sweet in times like these."

Saying this, my teacher headed towards the refrigerator.

"I think ice cream would be good in a situation like this... but I’m out of stock. Bad timing."

While saying this, my teacher closed the freezer and opened the refrigerator.

"So, it’s jelly. I think I received some as a gift..."

My teacher rummaged through the refrigerator and tilted his head while closing it.

"...Ah, here it is."

Then, my teacher rummaged through the cupboard and took out a box. From it, my teacher took out two cups of jelly and the small plastic spoons that came with them.

"Alright. Togo. Orange or peach... oh."

...Then, my teacher seemed to notice something.

My teacher stared at the jelly... and then said,

"Togo. Let’s put the orange and peach aside for now. ...Do you like room temperature jelly?"

...Yeah.

"I think having room temperature jelly is also a necessary part of our lives."

After that, we ate the room temperature jelly.

The lukewarm orange-flavored jelly was lukewarm, but it was delicious.

It was more delicious than any jelly I had ever eaten at home.

"...Jelly is beautiful, isn’t it?"

"Hmm. The ability to find jelly beautiful is also necessary for our lives. Probably."

My teacher said this and held the jelly up to the light with a spoon.

"Yeah. It’s wobbly and translucent, and really cute. So cute that I want to eat it. So, I eat it."

"A bit sadistic."

"Well, it’s good when you’re feeling a bit sadistic."

I mimicked my teacher, wobbled the jelly with a spoon