Chapter 7

### 1. Not So Romantic Castle Life

Ahem, let's get to the point. What impressions do people have of medieval Europe?

Through the fairy tales of Grimm and Andersen we read as children, and the countless Hollywood blockbusters we watched as adults, modern people generally have a romantic association with medieval Europe:

— magnificent and splendid castles, knights in shining armor, passionate noblewomen, elegant and shy princesses, witches in black or purple robes, vampires hiding in graveyards, werewolves howling and transforming under the moonlight... Wait, wait, it seems some strange elements have crept in?

Well, to be serious, before discussing the landscape of medieval Europe, it's best to immediately exclude the unscientific fantasy elements like witches, vampires, and werewolves—after all, who knows if these magical beings might open a portal in their own fireplace, sprinkle some strange powder on themselves, and then crawl through to buy the latest fashions on the Champs-Élysées in 21st-century Paris?

In the real world, the main themes of medieval Europe were knights and castles, and any journey through time would inevitably revolve around these two elements. The protagonists who travel through time usually do so not to suffer and receive re-education among the poor peasants, but to experience the charm of the Middle Ages and achieve great deeds. They certainly wouldn't choose to become serfs or thieves (those who want to be Robin Hood are a different story), but at the very least, they would aim to become noble knights with a castle, an estate, armor, and a few young maidservants to flirt with.

So, what should they do next? Live in a large and beautiful castle, hold a fragrant princess in their arms, show off at the annual knightly tournaments, occasionally exercise the right of the first night with some peasant girls in the countryside to change their taste and have some wild adventures?

Unfortunately, dreams are full, but reality is harsh. Life as a noble in the Middle Ages was not as comfortable as you might imagine.

Let's talk about medieval castles first! Essentially, castles were military fortresses designed for defense, not luxurious palaces for showing off, and certainly not vacation villas for enjoying life. These fortresses, built of solid rock, surrounded by deep moats, and guarded by iron gates and drawbridges, indeed made unwanted visitors who coveted the nobles' wealth think twice in the war-torn medieval Europe, but they didn't necessarily make the owners comfortable.

— During the Cultural Revolution, cities and towns across China were frantically building air-raid shelters, digging countless air-raid tunnels, but after the reform and opening up, few people seemed to move into them for the sake of cheap living... Where in the world are there comfortable military fortresses?

The drawbacks of medieval castle life are mainly as follows:

First, to facilitate long-term defense, castles were often built in rugged and dangerous locations, such as cliffs, mountaintops, and small river islands. But rugged and dangerous also means inconvenient transportation. If your castle is on a steep and rugged mountaintop, it might look impressive and awe-inspiring, but each trip up the mountain can be exhausting. If there are no sufficient wells within the castle, fetching water and transporting food every day can also be tiring.

Of course, these trivial tasks are naturally handled by servants, while the owners only need to worry about how to get their elaborately crafted luxury carriages through the winding and narrow mountain paths, up the steep slopes, and into their castles.

Second, to defend against enemy arrows and catapults, medieval castles had few windows on their outer walls, so the interiors were always dark and gloomy, with no sunlight and thus very damp. Coupled with the poor building standards of the time, there were inevitably some cracks in the walls and roofs, leading to severe leaks during rain, which in turn made cleaning the castle a major issue.

Worse still, the hygiene standards of medieval Europeans were very poor, so these seemingly grand and solemn castles were often filled with dust, spider webs, bedbugs, fleas, mosquitoes, flies, and garbage, probably not as clean as the cardboard houses of contemporary Japanese homeless people.

Moreover, large pieces of fabric were still very expensive in medieval Europe. In poorer areas, only the castle's owner had the privilege of sleeping on a bed, while others, even knightly squires, had to sleep on straw piles like animals, and be bitten by bedbugs along with their beloved horses...

What? You say the castles you see in travel brochures in Germany are very luxurious and comfortable, not as miserable as I described?

Oh, you're probably talking about the Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria, Germany!

That castle was built by the Duke of Bavaria in the late 19th century as a "royal theme park." Many of its ornate structures, such as the spires, were made of concrete, and you can imagine it as a modern Disney park—real medieval castles were far from that cute!

Additionally, in Europe, there are some castles that are often used as tourist attractions, but they were actually built by modern nobles who liked grandeur after the Renaissance, or even in the 18th and 19th centuries, or they were extensively renovated on the sites of old castles. They can no longer be considered true medieval castles, but rather "palaces that look like castles," similar to the castles in Disney parks.

In fact, in modern Germany and Austria, many impoverished descendants of ancient castle owners are eager to get rid of these ancestral legacies, willing to transfer them for just 1 euro, but there are few takers—most medieval castles are built in remote, sparsely populated areas with poor transportation, no water, no electricity, and even a trip to the supermarket by car can take dozens of kilometers. Apart from archaeologists, no one wants to live there.

Moreover, these castles are subject to substantial inheritance taxes, and their maintenance costs are very high. Regardless of the size and complexity of the castle, just getting a construction team to bring heavy building materials and related machinery to the castle, along with their own food, water, and generators, is much more expensive than doing renovations in the city.

Worse still, these castles are historical and cultural heritage sites, recorded in government archives. If the descendants neglect them, allowing them to deteriorate or convert them into warehouses, the relevant cultural heritage departments will sue them...

In short, whether you live in the castle or not, you must maintain it in its original state. Any renovation that alters the appearance, even just installing a few air conditioners, requires months of advance application and reporting. All repair materials must be from government-designated manufacturers, and the prices are exorbitant. You also need to hire professional workers, whose labor costs are enough to make you shudder... Spending tens of thousands of euros annually is normal, and it's usually unaffordable unless you are a very wealthy person.

For the same reason, in the less frequent wars of late medieval Europe, quality-conscious noble lords moved their households to more comfortable country villas or luxurious residences in bustling cities, and were no longer willing to live in these wretched old castles.

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