Chapter 35

I died as Makoto and, a few hours later, was born as Octavia. That was the feeling I had.

Sixteen years ago, on the day I was born, I was in a daze. Time seemed to flow incredibly slowly. As a newborn, the only thing I could do freely was think.

When my thoughts finally started to work, what came to mind was, "I was taking out my frustration on him."

—On that young man.

I wondered if he was a different kind of existence, not the eight million gods I was familiar with in Japan, but something else. In any case, to an ordinary human, he was like a god.

No matter how panicked I was about dying, it was still a terrible attitude to take toward such an existence.

After all, that young man had no obligation to save me.

Even if it were between humans, just because someone could do something, it didn’t mean they would act for a person they had just met. That was a completely different matter, based on the other person’s goodwill.

I was unexpectedly involved in a staged death and died unexpectedly.

Even though it wasn’t the young man who did it, I lashed out at the root cause. I equated the root cause with him just because I knew about it.

...It was truly taking out my frustration on him. Despite that, the young man said that in another world, I could be reborn with my consciousness intact. I should have been grateful.

However, I wished for more—wanted to be restored to my original self, even after deciding to be reborn in the world of "The King of Nobility."

I clung to the idea because the young man was there, and it seemed he could do it.

—Being called a "trivial soul" was a shock.

Crying, laughing, and getting angry. I couldn’t claim to be a great person. But to have my eighteen years as "Tazawa Makoto" completely negated as worthless... It wasn’t just me. My mother, father... my family.

It felt like everything was being mocked, and it was incredibly frustrating.

There was a sense of rebellion. I wanted to make him recognize me, even though I was in a position to be saved.

Maybe that’s why I was a "trivial soul."

Unlike when I was in that starry space, my head was clear, and I could laugh at myself.

Losing Makoto’s form and becoming the baby Octavia, I vaguely recalled my conversation with the young man.

...That’s right. At that time, I hadn’t yet recognized the series of events as a hateful memory.

What happened didn’t change.

But there was something I had overlooked, something I should have understood while in that space.

"I look forward to your potential."

The trigger was the last words the young man said to me and the expression he had at that moment—an expression of sheer delight.

Thinking back, I realized something.

It was strange. Wanting to see human potential... wasn’t that something his companions were doing? Why was he saying that and showing that expression?

But I died because I was caught up in what his companions did. The young man himself was uninvolved.

...Companions. What kind of companions?

They were on the same level as the young man, not human. That’s how I thought of them in that space.

—Why did the young man know so much about what his companions were doing?

What kind of humans they forcibly brought to a harsh other world, the outcomes of their journeys, the young man’s companion killing a young man crossing a crosswalk, and the chain of events that led to my death.

Because he was a god? Could he see everything? If so, why did his thinking align with his companions’?

He wasn’t negative about the experiments his companions were conducting, nor did he seem to want to stop them.

Most of all, his last words and expression conveyed that he himself was eager to see the outcome.

A vague, unsettling feeling built up in my chest, something I couldn’t quite grasp.

I traced back to the still-fresh memories.

"To us, this mouse is like a human."

Why not "to the companions"?

"But don’t you want to believe in the potential? Don’t you want to see something that defies our expectations?"

Why "us"?

...Us. That’s what the young man said.

Us consisted of the young man and his companions.

—Right. The young man was also on the side conducting the experiments. That’s what he meant by "companions."

It was suggested in the conversation, but I had been too preoccupied with my own situation to notice.

The young man hadn’t killed the young man, but he was on the side that created the cause of my death.

The difference was whether he was directly or indirectly involved. ...He was the latter.

"Anyway, I didn’t kill that NEET. So, the cause of your death wasn’t me, right?"

That’s why he spoke that way. Did he know I didn’t understand? ...No, he really didn’t care.

...I’m such an idiot.

An indescribable, unresolved emotion welled up inside me.

An unfamiliar woman rushed into the room where I, as a baby, was lying and peered at me. I started crying like a fire had been lit.

The young man became "him" in my mind.

The moment the events in the starry space turned into a hateful memory.

If I had grown up and died, and been reborn in this world, I might have done better.

The feeling I had when I danced with Derek wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t a lie, but there was another truth beneath it.

I wanted to continue living as Makoto. If the accident couldn’t have been avoided, I might have been able to come to terms with it. But I found out I wasn’t supposed to die.

How are my mother, father, and sister in Japan?

The funeral must have been over a long time ago. Is the flow of time the same? Is my sister married? Have my parents become grandparents?

When my father scolded me, I used to sulk. It’s not a good memory, but why do I feel so nostalgic and want to be scolded again?

How are my friends?

I often compared our mock exam results with Yuzuki, who hates BL. Thanks to that incident, we became closer. Yuzuki must have passed her first choice university. ...Yuzuki and Cissy are somewhat similar.

—Even though I understand it’s impossible, I want to see them.

The fact that I died and what happened afterward.

I realized I was just a small existence being toyed with.

...So, I tried not to think about it. I wanted to forget it completely, but I couldn’t. When I tried to remember, it played back in my mind in vivid detail. But I never wanted to think about it again.

As a baby, I cried and locked away all those hateful memories deep in my heart. I wouldn’t think about them, wouldn’t consider them.

For a while, I was depressed. There was a kind of rejection. I couldn’t understand the words people around me were saying. I wanted to speak Japanese. My memories from my previous life were a hindrance to blending into this world.

I now understand what "he" meant when he said it would be easier without memories from before birth.

The nostalgia and the eighteen years of memories as Makoto. Those are what make me who I am, but what if they didn’t exist?

The core of me is the same, and I think my personality is different from the original Octavia. ...But maybe I could have had a different present.

—I truly became Octavia when I grew up, learned the Esphian language, and understood this world.

I was born in the world of "The King of Nobility."

My brother is Serius, and not only the current king but also the previous and the one before that were in same-sex marriages. This world, which became a reality before Octavia—me—was vast.

So, I decided to be open about it.

I chose this. Being depressed wouldn’t help!

I wasn’t given any specific mission to be reborn.

If there was one, it was the role of Octavia from the original story.

The role of giving birth to the heir became mine.

I decided to live to the fullest. My goal is to be bright, strong, and resilient! To be positive!

As a princess, I lacked the fundamental qualities—despite being terrible, I was good at dancing! I had some delusions, but I always tried not to show my flaws. In a way, that might have been good.

Sometimes, I have nightmares at night, but when morning comes, a new day as Octavia begins. The vague feeling I had when I heard the word "god" in the Esphian language gradually faded.

—Even if I decided to be open about living as Octavia, I was honestly troubled by my brother and Sir Sil.

When they meet and are drawn to each other.

Should I support them like the sister in the original story? —Or interfere?

If my brother and Sir Sil don’t become lovers, the issue of the heir might not arise.

What if I made sure they never met?

The source of information would be the original novel "The King of Nobility." I might remember some favorite lines and memorable scenes fairly accurately.

The main characters. ...Some of the minor characters. Aside from that, what remains in my mind is a broad outline of the story. ...Very broad.

How much can I do with uncertain information? Before that, I wondered:

If Sir Sil doesn’t become my brother’s lover, who will my brother fall in love with?

Who, rather, what gender?

This is a BL world, so—ultimately, it’s a man, right?

If another man becomes my brother’s lover, the role that might fall to me wouldn’t change.

In that case, it’s better if it’s Sir Sil.

In the end, I didn’t interfere and gave my brother some subtle advice a few times.

In the original, Sir Sil was a protagonist with a high injury rate. Rivals who were infatuated with my brother would cause him harm. I remembered these unpleasant scenes and tried to prevent them.

I couldn’t bless their relationship.

I couldn’t, but as a reader, I had supported Sir Sil, so I couldn’t help but favor him.

—And so, the days passed until today.

I took a deep breath.

I raised my right hand in front of my face.

It was still trembling.

...I’m trying to stop, but I can’t.

I sealed away the hateful memories! I pretended to be fine, to not care, but I know. ...It’s just a facade.

—I’ve been avoiding thinking about it because I didn’t want to face it.

But then, suddenly, he came.

Seeing his face, I was embarrassingly flustered.

The emotions I hadn’t properly processed were overflowing.

The hateful memories I had locked away as a baby, I had just put a lid on them. That’s why it’s scary.

...I still haven’t, in my heart, faced "Makoto’s death." I didn’t want to face it.

My emotions were a mess, like paint splattered on a palette.

I hate this. I want to get back to my usual self.

My eyes stung. My nose tingled, and tears welled up.

Don’t cry! Hold it in!

In vain, a tear trickled down my cheek and ran along the inside of the golden mask. Once it started, more and more came.

I roughly wiped the tears from my cheek with the back of my hand when—

—There was a quiet knock on the door.

I flinched and turned around. I had only closed the door, forgetting to lock it.

How long had I heard the footsteps when I fled from the banquet hall?

...I don’t know.

But no one should have seen me enter this room.

Who could it be?

The mask was removed, revealing a face with striking amber eyes. A face that looked exactly like his appeared in my mind.

What if it’s Rust? Is the resemblance between him and Rust a coincidence? Is that even possible? Everything is the same except for the bruise?

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t call out to the person on the other side of the door or take a step.

A voice called out from the other side of the door.

"---Your Highness Octavia. Are you there? May I enter?"

The unique, beautiful voice told me who it was without seeing.

"...Clifford?"

Relief spread in my chest.

"Yes, Your Highness."

"...I’m sorry. I ran out on my own."

Am I speaking normally? I hope so.

If possible, I wanted him to back off. ...Just for now.

"You don’t need to apologize to me, but please grant me permission to enter."

But the loyal Clifford wouldn’t accept that.

I was the one who acted recklessly and caused trouble. It’s one thing in the castle, but taking unnatural solo actions in a place where anything could happen is inexcusable.

Clifford had to check if I was alone and if there were any suspicious people in the room.

Rejecting him here would be a mistake. I knew it all too well, but I couldn’t act on it immediately.

It felt like I was split in two.

Makoto in me still doesn’t want it! She’s shouting, "Don’t let anyone in!"

Octavia in me is saying, even if I don’t want to, I have to consider my position.

Both are undeniably me.

"..."

I wiped the tears from my cheeks again. The room was dim, and I was wearing a mask.

It’s fine. I just need to show him and he’ll be convinced. If I can hold out for a little while, maybe he won’t notice I’ve been crying. Maybe the trembling too.

"...The door isn’t locked, so you can come in."

I left the door slightly open, and Clifford entered. He wasn’t wearing the black mask. He carefully looked around the room and then fixed his gaze on me.

For a moment, his eyes widened. ...Did he notice?

I tried to cover it up by speaking.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I am your 'Servant.'"

Through the 'Mark,' the 'Servant' senses the 'Master's' danger.

I looked at my right hand, which was wet from wiping away tears. I tried to make a natural gesture and placed my left hand over it. The 'Mark' that appeared here two days ago. Is it because of this?

"—Right. Thank you for coming. But I’m not in danger. I just wanted to think for a bit. ...I suddenly felt like it."

"Here, of all places?"

"...Yes."

I turned my face away as Clifford approached, stepping back to maintain distance.

My tear ducts were still open. I didn’t want him to notice.

...I can’t do this anymore.

"Can you wait outside the room?—It’s an order."

I deliberately made my tone stronger.

"...Understood."

After a brief pause, Clifford bowed his head and turned around.

Tears that I had barely held back spilled from my eyes as I watched his retreating back. I hurriedly wiped them with the back of my hand.

But it should have been fine. I should have been able to get through it.

If only Clifford hadn’t turned back at that moment.

His deep blue eyes were now clearly wide open.

I bit my lip and turned my back to Clifford.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

"!"

I wiped away the tears that continued to flow. A sob escaped.

I didn’t want anyone to see me in such a weak state.

My sobs echoed in the room.

Clifford didn’t leave. There was no sound except for my sobs.

Time passed.

But a voice nearby made my shoulders jump.

"—How about that room? It’s the only one with the door slightly open. Doesn’t it catch your attention?"

"What if someone’s already there?"

"Take a good look at their face."

"You...—"

Through the slightly open door, the voices of two familiar men and the sound of their footsteps reached the room.

People who had hit it off at the semi-ball, heading to an empty room—people using it for its intended purpose.

The room with the slightly open door...

Are they coming here?

If they enter, they’ll surely notice me.

The First Princess, Octavia.

I need to compose myself quickly. I shouldn’t be crying.

But the more I panicked, the more the tears wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t be able to explain properly.

The voices were getting closer.

"Wanna bet if there’s someone inside? I say there is."

"I say there isn’t. Do what you want."

"It’s settled."

The sound of the door moving—

It’s too late. I resigned myself and squeezed my eyes shut.

Almost simultaneously, warmth enveloped my body. A voice spoke near my ear.

"—Please bear with it for a while. The punishment will be as you wish."

Clifford was hugging me from behind.