Chapter 84

### Chapter 84: Fragment (3)

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#6

—Creak, creak.

On a Sunday evening, in the 2nd building of the girls' dormitory.

Ruby sat at her desk, curtains drawn, endlessly pondering something. She let out a sigh filled with frustration, as if facing an unsolvable problem.

“...Sigh.”

I don’t get it. I do understand, but I really don’t get it.

Neatly stacked books. Including the open ones, over ten specialized books filled Ruby’s desk space.

She twirled the pen in her fingers, placed it on her nose, and even groaned, but ultimately her mind became a chaotic mess.

‘Why can’t I concentrate?’

It was a futile question. She already knew the answer.

The words didn’t register. She understood the meaning of each word, but the sentences as a whole were not clear. It was evident that she couldn’t focus on her studies.

Her physical condition was definitely better than before. The shadows under her eyes had also lightened.

‘I need to finish this quickly...’

What Ruby was currently organizing in her notebook was a rough draft for a group project presentation, which had a tight deadline. She was also conducting research. The books piled up next to her were the source of her research.

Diagrams of general magic circuits. The development and history of magic. What is intrinsic magic, and so on... These were books related to the group project topic.

Ruby had already read these books more than twice and was now in the stage of combining and organizing the information she had obtained.

The group project was divided into two parts. To summarize, they had to write and present a research paper related to intrinsic magic, and use the group members' intrinsic magic to complete the coloring of a given picture.

The latter was still pending. This was because Ruby’s group members had difficulty performing it smoothly.

On the other hand, the former was progressing steadily, under Ruby’s leadership, who had been elected as the group leader by majority vote. However, it was more like she was doing everything from start to finish on her own.

The only help her group members provided was identifying the colors of their intrinsic magic. During their meeting, they had casually colored a sheet of paper, which she had brought to use as reference material. She was now organizing the research based on this.

‘I might not be able to finish by Monday...’

She recalled the conversation with her group members from their previous meeting.

—We’ll just mess up the result. We’re really weak in theory... Ruby, you’re an Epic class, right? And you’re number 4? That’s really impressive. You must be really good at studying, right?

—I’m really weak at this. Everyone else seems so capable. If I make a mistake in the research, we’ll all lose points. Honestly, I’m not confident. Plus, I always stutter when I present. I can’t handle it in front of the professor and other students.

—That’s true. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

—Right? I’m not the only one. ...Anyway, the thing is, I actually got in here because of my talent, not my skills... We can’t mess up our first group project, can we? To meet our parents' expectations, we need to get at least an A, right? From what I’ve heard, Ruby, you’re really diligent and a great student... You’re the perfect model student. Please, help us!

—Yeah. I’m new to academy life too. Research paper? I’ve never even heard of it, let alone read or written one. Of course, I can do some research, but the information might be wrong. If that’s okay...

—Alright, I get it. Guys, I’ll do my best. I’ve done a lot of this kind of thing in middle school...

—Really?! Thank you! You’re such a good friend! I love you!

Love? You shouldn’t say that so easily. Of course, Ruby was a woman, but she remembered feeling uncomfortable when someone suddenly hugged her.

In any case, Ruby ended up taking on the entire first task for the group.

Honestly, Ruby had a slight suspicion, but she never showed it.

No matter what, Ruby was Ruby. If she entered society, she might quickly become a victim. Rather than hurting someone else, she preferred to be the one to suffer. Unless she fundamentally changed her way of thinking, Ruby would continue to suffer in this way throughout her life.

She didn’t want to hurt anyone, and she didn’t want to be hurt by anyone.

It was a wish closer to an ideal than reality.

Those who dream of ideals in the world are not necessarily just dreamers, but in most cases, they either fall into a pit by not looking where they’re going or eventually turn back to face reality when they realize their ideals are unattainable.

As for Ruby, well, no one knew which path she would take. Her indecisiveness, her inability to express herself clearly at times, and the many things she knew but couldn’t bring herself to do—these were all clear distinctions between simple thoughts and actual actions.

‘I’m so tired...’

Ruby had been awake for less than eight hours, yet she felt an overwhelming fatigue. It wasn’t just from reading books all day. The reason she couldn’t concentrate was more than that.

It was because of Edgio Crani, her childhood friend and a male student in the same class.

‘Really... I must have been crazy.’

She was in such a dire mental and physical state that she said those words to Edgio.

If I seem to be in love with you—.

“Sigh...”

Ruby dropped her head low, resting her forehead on her arms on the desk. Stupid, stupid. Why did I say that? I’m such an idiot.

If she really didn’t want to hurt Edgio, she shouldn’t have said those words.

But it was too late. It couldn’t be undone. Edgio said he would pretend he didn’t hear it. When they met last time, Edgio acted as if nothing had happened.

It was a bit, burdensome.

At the same time, many thoughts came to mind. She didn’t know how to face Edgio now. She wanted to believe what Edgio said, but honestly, how could she forget? He would definitely remember. Ruby knew this.

I don’t know. I really don’t know. She no longer knew what feelings she had for Edgio.

Intimacy. Longing. Guilt. Self-reproach. Sin. Apology. Comfort. Sadness. Joy. A myriad of emotions, unbelievable in their variety, churned in Ruby’s mind.

Ultimately, they converged into one.

—Love (？).

“...”

...Really?

Burying her head in her crossed arms, she thought quietly.

The definition of love that Ruby knew hadn’t changed. It should be a desire to be eternally happy with that person. For Ruby, who was extremely afraid of being hurt in relationships, being with the person she shared love with meant never facing any catastrophic end. That was the precondition.

But she was slowly realizing that this was wrong.

Ruby had already experienced distancing herself from Edgio. Their relationship had broken down. Through this process, Ruby slowly crumbled. She called out his name, turning over her hometown, the empire, the continent.

The preciousness she realized only after losing it. Was this really the end? When she wanted to let go of everything, she found him again. Ruby didn’t want to let go of the hand she had miraculously caught again.

Yes, like this—

There is no eternity in this world.

Ruby knew that she would eventually die, and that every meeting has a parting.

If it’s someone she really wants to spend her life with.

Shouldn’t they create as many memories as possible before the inevitable end, so that they don’t regret it, no matter what the outcome? Even if parting will be excruciatingly painful, the time spent together will have been truly happy.

And, to begin with.

If you don’t start, you won’t know anything.

A coward who hesitates to take a step forward, fearing an uncertain future. That was her. She should worry about the near future first. Without trying, she wouldn’t know what would happen in the future. Yet, she worried about a distant future.

‘...I’m really a fool, aren’t I?’

Trying to achieve happiness without any difficulties.

It was unrealistic from the start.

Ruby was a girl made of ideals. If she thought her wishes wouldn’t come true, she would either avoid the problem or choose to suffer as the price for not achieving her ideals.

But ultimately, Ruby wasn’t a god who could observe everything. She couldn’t consider the pain of everyone who would suffer because of her choices. When she suffered, someone else would suffer too.

Therefore, no matter which path she chose, she wouldn’t always get the result she wanted. Ruby didn’t want such a situation to happen.

But, whether she wanted it or not.

The vast world doesn’t listen to a small voice.

While hesitating about her own feelings.

Edgio and Mew, that friend, had dated once.

Just as Ruby had feared—

It seemed to be broken already.

When she didn’t know, they must have spent precious time together somewhere in secret.

Ruby’s small hand gradually clenched.

That girl, she was beautiful. She was popular at the academy.

How they met, she still didn’t know. But there must have been a reason why Edgio opened his heart to her.

Somewhere. In the unknown gap in time. Edgio and Mew became a couple and maintained their relationship for at least a year. A year is quite long. Considering how each day feels longer when it’s precious, their year must have felt very long.

Spring, summer, autumn, winter.

As other classmates said, Edgio and Mew walking down the street, holding hands affectionately—

“...Ugh.”

Was it because she buried her head and closed her eyes?

The image was very vivid.

At the same time, her heart beat unevenly, and it felt as if a needle was pricking her chest.

A sensation that had been tormenting Ruby recently. It was very unpleasant and difficult. Over the past few days, Ruby had been suffering from this unpleasant feeling. When she met Edgio or Mew. Or when she noticed the strange atmosphere between Edgio and Stella...

“...Ouch.”

Why is this happening? It’s strange.

Was it because her emotions were more intense? Things she wouldn’t normally imagine came to mind naturally.

Ruby’s heart trembled involuntarily. She didn’t know why. She didn’t want to imagine more. It felt like being forced to watch a scene.

—In a secret place at school, or perhaps someone’s home. In the darkness and profound silence, they only exchanged breaths without speaking. Did they look into each other’s eyes, or were they too embarrassed to look? Or were their eyes closed? She had no experience, so she didn’t know. But the situation was escalating.

In the past, Edgio sat on the bed. Mew brushed her hair behind her ear. She looked down at Edgio with eyes filled with lust. Yes, lust. They were still underage students.

But they were lovers. They played secret games outside the school’s watchful eye. Genuine games.

Shoulders, neck, or waist. Where did they touch? Edgio’s arm was loosely pulled. She supported his neck with her hand and slowly leaned in. Their hot breaths intertwined.

Eventually, their noses touched. Her mind went blank. She could think of nothing but each other. The only thing that appeared in her mind, now blank, was the slowly parting lips of someone.

Mew’s long side hair gently brushed against Edgio’s cheek, and finally, the soft—

The moment their eyes met.

But in his eyes, she saw herself, not Mew.

—Thud!

She lightly hit her forehead on the desk.

“...Sigh, sigh.”

It hurts. She rubbed her slightly red forehead.

Her cheeks and ears were even redder.

‘...I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy.’

It’s too obscene. What am I thinking?

She couldn’t even think of the act’s name, but she felt endless self-loathing for imagining something she couldn’t do in her right mind.

This, this is all because of my middle school classmates. If they hadn’t talked about such strange things next to me. If I didn’t have the resources in my head to imagine specific situations. Serilda, Daisy, Fuka... You guys have ruined me...

“...”

Her heart was beating so fast that she could hear it if she listened closely.

Waking from the fantasy, Ruby covered her burning cheeks with both hands.

If I imagine such obscene things, I’ll be sent to jail. No, someone will despise me for just thinking about it. Even though this is a personal space where no one can enter without Ruby’s permission, she looked around just in case.

Then she sighed and placed her hand on her chest.

Thump, thump.

She closed her eyes calmly and suddenly sucked in her lower lip.

“...”

Actually, more than the pain in her forehead.

Her heart hurt more.

Even though it was just a fantasy.

Maybe, they had already.

Moved to the real act.

Why this hurts.

Ruby didn’t know yet.

Or, she didn’t want to understand.

“...Should I take a short break?”

She thought she needed a change of mood. Shaking her head to clear her bad thoughts, Ruby stood up from her chair. She inserted a bookmark between the open pages of the book and closed it with a thud.

It’s better to finish it today. I’ll take a short walk and come back.

...What is Edgio doing right now? She didn’t have the courage to face him properly, but she didn’t think she would avoid him if they met. For some reason, she wanted to see Edgio more than usual. She was a little more honest with herself.

That’s how.

She went outside and saw them sitting on a bench.

Edgio extending his arm, having a conversation. Edgio looking flustered. Mew giggling. A common scene where they were drinking drinks. The awkward atmosphere from before was gone, and they looked like close friends.

“...Ah.”

It hurt again.

Ruby opened her mouth slightly.

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