10. I'M A MOTHER

JULIET, I’M A MOTHER

Luke visits a couple more times over the following months and our time together becomes extremely important to me. I look forward to his visits and during the times between… I miss him. So do my girls who often ask about ‘Lu’. His kisses goodbye graduate to my cheek but no further, as though he’s being mindful of my loss and waiting for me to make the first move.

Am I ready? Do I even want sex or a relationship? What does Luke want? I have more questions than answers which tells me that no, I’m not ready and I need to take this at my own pace which, thankfully, Luke seems okay with.

Spring arrives just as quickly as winter did with everything bursting into colour at once and the dozens of varieties of migrating birds return around the same time. Being right on the water, the cacophony of calls, clicks and shrills is almost mind-numbing but the spectacular display of colourful plumage more than makes up for it. It is a twenty-four hours a day job keeping the girls on shore and away from the nesting birds. Just keeping them as undisruptive as possible, in combination with the open water requires constant supervision - they both wear life jackets whenever we go swimming, boating or near the water – just to be safe. With both of them now walking it is all hands-on deck – everyone keeps their eyes open to help me since I can’t be in two places at once, despite my best efforts.

“Lu! Lu!” My girls spot him before I do, emerging from the trees with a smile that stretches from ear to ear on his gorgeous face. He really is a handsome man – tall, muscular, blonde hair he wears long and sparkling blue eyes that are windows to his soul. Having spent so much time with him, I know he’s as amazing on the inside as he is on the outside and that I like him… a lot.

I looked forward to his visits before – now I dress every day as if he might show up, actually bothering to make an effort again. I haven’t worried about my hair in more than a year – since Markus died. Ever since then I haven’t cared what I looked like – not really. As long as I wouldn’t make small children cry, that was good enough for me but now – I want to look nice. Even in jeans and a hoodie my hair is clean and silky and I have a touch of mascara on – and as I see him, I’m glad I showered today. A few months ago, I’d be wearing a shirt covered in baby vomit from two days ago and Markus’ much too big for me sweatpants and not giving a shit if I’d showered that day or a week earlier.

Luke has changed my outlook on life – I no longer dread mornings or cry myself to sleep every night. Instead, it is only a couple of times a week now and there is a bounce in my step when I get out of bed – something that hasn’t existed since Markus died.

I did what I had to do, I functioned and performed as expected because I had to.

I was responsible for two little beings who were innocent in all of this but it is only recently that I’m truly starting to enjoy my daughters, to look beyond their father’s face every time I look into theirs and to see them for the individuals they are.

I have two amazing daughters and I look forward to getting to know them.

LUKE, REUNITED

I scoop them both up – one in each arm and they squeal happily. I get a wet, sloppy kiss on each cheek after Juliet encourages them to ‘smooch’ me which results in tickles and more squeals before I put them down. Juliet watches our entire exchange with a smile on her face, likely envisioning the family she was supposed to have with her late husband.

After I put the girls back on the ground, I make my way to Juliet. She leans back so she’s facing up to me and I lean down to her only this time I don’t kiss her cheek. I brazenly caress my lips across her’s, softly and quickly before taking a step back and giving her space. I await the fallout of my actions and instead of being angry with me, once Juliet gets past being shocked – she smiles at me.

At least she doesn’t slap me.

“Hi,” I say full of charm and charisma as ‘Chase’ rolls his eyes at me. He really needs to drop that annoying habit.

“Hi yourself,” she says in return. Her smile is wide and her eyes are sparkling – she genuinely looks happy to see me and it is obvious the girls are going by the squawks and shouts.

“Do you think Quentin could watch the girls while they nap this afternoon?” I ask her, coming up with a plan on the spot and rolling the dice. With a look of confusion on her face, Juliet agrees.

“I’m sure he can – but why?” Running the idea through my head, it all comes together quickly. It won’t be anything fancy – we are in the remote wilderness after all but it will be special, and more importantly, one-on-one.

“I’d like to spend time with you, Juliet. Like a date,” I propose and her eyebrows nearly disappear into her hairline. I’m taking a chance – I don’t know if she’s ready or not after losing her husband but I’m not asking her to marry me, just to spend a couple of hours together. I can see her mind racing a hundred miles a minute as she considers my suggestion, likely trying to determine if she’s ready to take this big step or not. What seems like hours but is likely only seconds later she smiles softly.

“Yes… I’d like that Luke. Let me go talk to him and get it set up,” she answers before leaving to find Quentin. I distract myself and ‘Chase’ from the happy dance we both want to perform by sitting on the floor and playing with the girls. The sooner they tire out, the sooner they’ll go down for their nap and I’ll get my date with Juliet.

And the individual time I’m so desperate for.