13. HOME AWAY FROM HOME

JULIET, HOME AWAY FROM HOME

The next time Luke comes, he leaves clothes behind at my cabin so he can travel back and forth easily as ‘Chase’ and not be naked when he is visits. The girls adore ‘Chase’ and once they got over their initial fear at his size – they now chant his name at nap and bedtime because he’s amazing to cuddle with. They nestle into his fur and are always out in no time – the trick is extricating him afterwards so Luke and I can have some time together.

Over the summer, our kisses are passionate and we grind against one another but that is as far as we go. When we only have a stolen hour or two here and there, it is easy to have ‘sex’ but it isn’t easy to be intimate – which is what I need. It has been more than a year and a half since Markus’ death and in that time, I’ve gotten to know Luke, first as a friend and now as something… more. We’ve taken our time and he has been nothing but patient – I know he’d wait forever if I was never ready for physical intimacy. But in these past few months, my nights have started to change. I don’t have as many nightmares about Markus anymore, I have more dreams about Luke these days.

My mind has been slow to accept what my heart already knows.

I love Luke.

I love him and I’m in love with him – I accept him – all of him, his bear and all and what that entails, for me and our future. I never would have believed it possible but my heart has made room for another – Markus will always own a part of me, that will never change. Sophia and Bridget are living evidence of our love and I’ll embrace them daily, happy with that knowledge. I’ll never regret my time with Markus because I have my daughters as a result of that relationship – every minute of it has been worth it. Even the heartache, sorrow and grief – you can’t have sunshine and rainbows without storms and clouds.

The last time Luke was here, he asked if I would be willing to bring the girls to his place for a night. It would give us some much-needed privacy and allow us to see how he lives up here, year-round. Because I never know for sure when Luke is coming, it is tough to coordinate but thankfully, Quent is accommodating, especially since it is only for one night and when Luke arrives one overcast fall morning – I’m ready for him.

As soon as he arrives, I let Quentin know we’re leaving and start getting the girls ready to travel. Luke is excited about having us come over and offers us a ride on ‘Chase’s’ back. ‘Chase’ carries one bag in his mouth while I strap one onto my back, then lift each of the girls onto ‘Chase’s’ back before crawling up myself. Once up, I ensure the girls are secure before letting ‘Chase’ know we’re ready to move.

He doesn’t move too fast so he doesn’t risk jarring us or knocking us off and the entire time the girls are shrieking and squealing with delight. We strap the girls into life jackets for the journey across the lake which we make in record time before continuing on our way to Luke’s place. My daughters never once stop shouting with excitement over the grand adventure they find themselves on, loving every minute of it.

Luke’s cabin looks like it is a part of the landscape, built out of the ground itself and a part of its’ environment. Made entirely out of logs and stones from the area, the cabin is both cozy and inviting. Inside, the ‘great’ room is simply the livingroom, dining area and kitchen all in one area with the master bedroom and bath off one side of the cabin and two small bedrooms and another small bath and laundry on the other side. The entire space is extremely compact but has everything necessary for comfortable living, just in a smaller, convenient size.

The girls and I set up in a spare bedroom and we spend the next few hours playing with them as they explore the area around Luke’s cabin, both with ‘Chase’ and with Luke. By the time they finish their dinner, they are both barely sitting upright in their chairs they’re so exhausted. Luke helps me bathe them and get them ready for bed, and I let him read them their bedtime story. He isn’t in there long as neither girl lasts for longer than a few minutes before drifting to sleep but seeing him with them only confirms what I’m already feeling in my heart.

The girls love Luke.

I love Luke.