6. WARNINGS AND ALARMS

JULIET, WARNINGS AND ALARMS

Two of the guys put the girls’ carriers on the main table and keep them occupied while I get myself something to eat. I’ve been getting by with my hot plate and doing quite fine but it’ll be nice to have a properly cooked meal again, especially one I haven’t had to cook myself. These last couple of days have been a blessing in disguise, being snowed in. I was forced to do nothing but focus on the girls, me and survival – nothing else mattered and it was incredible. It was a refreshing ‘back to basics holiday’ I didn’t know I needed but I’m grateful for the experience all the same. The girls and I played games and read books together – I simply focused on being a Mom with them instead of all of the other hats I normally wear and it was the best two days of my life – especially since losing Markus. I never thought I would smile again, let alone as much as I have since the snowstorm started and being with my babies did that for me – reconnecting with them and that piece of Markus.

It was exactly what I needed.

As I sit down, Quent introduces me to the guests that were stranded at the lodge, all of whom are massively large men. As I eat, they keep me company and we talk. Apparently, they have their own remote site nearby that they live in year-round as well, living off the land for the most part. Unlike us, they don’t deal with tourists and their only contact with outsiders is the few times a year they come for their supplies – like now. We end up chatting well past my dinner until the girls decide it is their dinner time too. Rather then nurse them in front of a room full of men, I say my goodnights and get dressed for the journey back to my cabin. One of the men offers to escort me and help carry the babies, which I gratefully accept. He’s the biggest of them all – also the kindest, a sort of gentle giant – Luke Robertson.

He is the polar opposite of Markus in every way – appearance and personality. Where Markus was dark haired with brown eyes, Luke is blonde with blue eyes. Markus had a driven personality, almost aggressive whereas Luke seems more laidback and easygoing. Of course, I’ve spent a grand total of three hours with Luke so what do I know? But none of the others thought to offer to help me get my daughters home, only Luke did which speaks of his character to me – in extremely positive ways.

We don’t talk on the short walk over because of the howling wind but when we reach my cabin, he steps inside to put the carriers down safely inside and out of the cold. I turn to thank him and am struck again by the sheer size of the man – Markus was tall, nearly a foot taller than me but Luke is even taller and I never thought I’d see the day. The top of my head barely reaches his shoulders and we’re both going to have sore necks by the end of every exchange due to the extreme angles we have to hold our heads at.

“You didn’t have to go out into the storm to help a stranger so I thank you, I’m truly appreciative,” I tell him honestly. I would have made it back on my own but it would have been a struggle with two baby carriers, especially now that the wind has picked up again. Luke has already proven himself to be a gentleman in addition to being a nice guy.

“You’re welcome, but I was happy to do it. I couldn’t risk anything happening to the lady who makes the amazing stew,” he jokes, his eyes looking into mine. The moment quickly turns from jovial to something else – something that makes my heart skip a beat so I turn away, focusing instead on the girls. What is wrong with me?

“I’d better get them undressed and fed before it turns into anarchy in here,” I say as I start doing exactly that – unwrapping the babies from being outside. It will take a few minutes because of all of the layers and is a perfect distraction since my eyes are now focused on my daughters – unfortunately, not my attention. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

“Yes! Right, well – looks like we’re stranded for at least one more day so I’ll see you three tomorrow,” Luke says as he shuffles toward the cabin door. I give him a genuine smile – another time, another me – and thank him again for his help. He pulls his hood on and in seconds is out the door and lost to the darkness and swirling snow as he returns to the lodge. The girls and I get settled after I close my drapes and secure the door – there are still wild animals lurking about in the woods, before I crawl into bed for the night. My emotions are in turmoil and it is reflected in the tossing and turning I do all night instead of sleep.

I like Luke.

He’s a nice man, considerate and kind – what’s not to like? Why am I so conflicted about this? I’m allowed to have friends – male friends, there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t have to mean anything is going on, he’s just a great guy I’d like to know better.

Except that isn’t all it is.

Luke is a great guy but he’s also handsome, has an amazing body – from what I could make out – and I shouldn’t be noticing any of it. It hasn’t even been a year since Markus was killed – how can I even THINK about looking at another man, let alone entertain any other sorts of thoughts?

I can’t.

I shouldn’t.

I mustn’t.

If the crash hadn’t happened, I would be a happily married mother of two, living with my husband and our twins in the house we purchased right after our wedding. Instead, I’m a widowed single mother of twins living in a cabin in the Saskatchewan north. None of my life is turning out the way I planned, or even wanted – except my babies – I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but I have to make the best of it. I can’t give up because if I do, the girls will suffer and I can’t allow that to happen – ever. Me bed hopping from man to man is not going to help them either so I need to give my head a shake because clearly, that’s all this is – these ‘feelings’ I have for Luke. I haven’t been touched by a man in nearly a year and am simply craving the connection, it has nothing to do with feelings. My heart remains loyal to Markus – as true as it was the day I married him.

Why do I feel like I’m trying to convince myself?