Chapter 1

On a hot summer day, as I climbed the path to the university, I, Sakagami Koji, muttered to myself as usual.

What a boring life. A life with nothing at all.

I am a second-year university student who failed to get in on my first attempt. I am 20 years old and a virgin.

My parents were abusive. My father was a heavy drinker who would hit me for no reason. My parents often fought, and my mother would almost always take out her frustration on me afterward. As a result, I was beaten by both of them. When I was young, I thought it was normal for fathers to hit their children without any reason. It was just a part of everyday life.

One day in the fourth grade, I casually mentioned this to a friend. I don't remember why the topic came up, but I think it was because my friend said something like, "I got really scolded by my parents." In response, I talked about how my parents hit me, almost boasting about my misfortune. My friend was surprised and shouted, "That's definitely domestic violence!" Looking back, it probably didn't have any deep meaning; he was just repeating a word he had seen on TV.

But those words stuck with me. I looked it up, sneaking onto the internet during the once-a-week computer class. I learned that I was a victim of domestic violence and that my home environment was abnormal.

Once I knew, I couldn't help but ask my parents. They hit me more than ever and told me never to talk about it to anyone. At that moment, I was convinced that my parents were abusive and that I was an unfortunate person. As a result, I started to look down on others. I began to feel uncomfortable seeing people who seemed happy.

Despite this, I entered middle school and made some friends because we shared a common interest. I was originally a fairly bright person and had the ability to maintain friendships. However, after learning about my own misfortune, I started to feel bad whenever I saw my friends' happy faces. I tried to hide these feelings, but they would sometimes slip out. It was impossible for a middle school student in the midst of adolescence to maintain a bright facade while feeling dark inside. After a few times, my bad habit of complaining and criticizing others led to me being isolated when the class was divided. Even when I tried to talk to people, they ignored me. By the time I realized my mistake, it was too late.

I continued this way through middle school and entered high school. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't a genius either. I enrolled in an average high school. However, due to the estrangement and betrayal (which was entirely my fault), I found it difficult to talk to people. I tried to mimic the idea of a "high school debut" and forced myself to act bright. But it didn't last long, and soon my facade crumbled. I didn't realize it, but my words were hurting others, which led to me being bullied.

Over time, my heart completely broke.

In such a state, it was impossible to study. Some people might say, "I can do it," but I couldn't. I am not incapable of effort; I managed to get into an average high school and was always in the top third of my class in middle school. I don't like studying, but most people don't, and they still do it. People who do it might say, "That's just an excuse!" but effort requires a reason. It could be a clear dream or a vague one (like wanting to work for a big company and make a lot of money). That's why they study even though they don't like it. But I had no such dreams or goals. I studied half-heartedly and ended up failing all my university entrance exams, leading to a year of cram school while working part-time at night. But even then, I couldn't get into a good university and ended up at a third-rate one. People who see this might say:

"Why don't you just skip university?"

I was scared. Scared of whether I could work at a company and function normally. I knew I was just putting it off.

Or they might say:

"Why don't you become a NEET?"

To be honest, it's impossible. My abusive parents would never allow it. So, I ended up at a third-rate university, where I have no friends and am a loner.

Now, I regret my past. I often think about my past failures. I think everyone has moments where they suddenly remember something, but I do it more than most people. And every time I remember, I say:

"I wish I could die."

My life is over. In manga and anime, there are often characters like me who say:

"Never give up! If you work hard now, it will never be in vain!"

I can agree with that.

But I often see protagonists in more realistic stories say things like, "That's not true. There are countless wasted efforts."

But I don't think that way.

Ultimately, I believe that efforts are almost never wasted.

Because, for example, if you have a dream of becoming a singer and fail, the singing skills you developed won't disappear just because you gave up. You can still show off your singing at company parties.

Is that a waste? Isn't being better at singing than the average person something to be proud of? I think I'm much better off than someone who can't do anything.

Ultimately, I believe that most efforts can be applied to other things.

If you don't apply them, it's not the effort that's wasted, but the person who didn't apply it.

That's what I would say to someone who claims that effort is always rewarded.

But do you see such stories in manga these days?

I buy a lot of manga and novels with my part-time job earnings, but I've never seen or heard of such a manga.

What? You think I'm contradicting myself?

That's the problem. I can't make the effort. I have no motivation, no dreams, no goals.

When I study, I constantly think, "Why am I doing this? Will it lead to anything good?"

"Stop making excuses. Some people still do it."

I want to say that to those happy people.

"No, it's different! The attitude towards effort is different between those who look down and give up, and those who keep moving forward."

I gave up.

I stopped looking forward.

I stopped moving forward.

I stopped hoping for the future.

So, let me say it again.

My life is over.

On my way to this meaningless university, I pass a long crosswalk. As I walk with my head slightly down, I see a group of three high school girls walking towards me. The girl in the middle looks at me, and I instinctively look away. It's a habit I've developed.

Then, I see a truck coming from the left, moving at a speed almost twice as fast as the cars in the adjacent lane.

"Huh... Oh!"

By chance, the sunlight reflected off the window, and I could see the driver leaning his head on the steering wheel. He couldn't see the road ahead.

Suddenly, the thought "drowsy driving!" popped into my head.

(If this continues, it will hit the high school girls!)

The girls, engrossed in their conversation, didn't notice.

I shouted, "Watch out!" and ran towards them.

The girls were startled and froze, looking at me.

Of course, they would be scared; a guy with a bad face suddenly shouting and charging at them.

"Can I make it!" I thought and grabbed the collars of the two girls on the left and in the middle, pulling them towards me. As I grabbed the arm of the last girl on the right and pulled her towards me, a loud "BOOM!" echoed, and I felt a shock in my chest and lower body. My vision went dark, but I could feel my body spinning in the air. I hit the ground twice with a "THUD, THUD," and then my body stopped, lying on my back.

"Ugh, Ugh, Ugh," I coughed up what I thought was blood, then slowly opened my eyes and tilted my head.

My vision was blurry, but I could see something like water flowing below.

"I'm dead."

This thought suddenly popped into my head. My instincts were telling me it was impossible to survive.

(Am I... going to die? Is this where it ends?)

(No way! No way, damn it!!)

(I can't accept it! There's no way I can accept it!!)

(I can't end here! There's no way I can end here! I haven't done anything, I haven't left any meaning to my life!!)

(Damn it! Damn it...)

"Ugh!"

I coughed up a large amount of blood, and my consciousness faded...