Chapter 94

"Um, isn't it that being together makes you happy and joyful?"

Ririka stared intently at her mother. In the past, she was afraid to look at her mother's face. Her mother would always frown and get angry whenever she saw her. She couldn't meet her eyes directly.

Even when she tried to look straight, tears would keep welling up, and she would lower her head again.

No matter how many times she tried to smile bravely, all she got in return were cold words and a frowning face, and her courage gradually disappeared.

Thinking about those times made her shoulders involuntarily shrink.

But now, she knows that her mother's face brightens up whenever she sees her. She sees her mother's smiling face, arms open wide with joy, and it gives her the strength to leap into her embrace.

She was happy.

"And you hope the other person is happy and joyful too."

Even when it's difficult, even when it's painful, thinking of the other person's smile brings a smile to her face.

Isn't that what love is?

Seeing Ririka's small head nodding enthusiastically, Rudia nodded.

"Yes, that's right."

Rudia stroked her daughter's cheek and then hugged her tightly once more before letting her go.

I want to see the other person's smiling face.

A simple but definite answer.

When Ririka giggled, Rudia also smiled. Ririka, holding Rudia's hand tightly, said,

"Right now, this."

"Hmm?"

"When I see you and smile, you see me and smile too."

"Yes."

"This is love."

Ririka's words made Rudia smile. Ririka also smiled back.

"You're right, Ririka."

Rudia nodded. Holding the warm Ririka in her arms, Rudia made a decision.

'Well, I have to tell the story.'

I have to tell my story to Altears and see his reaction.

Maybe the answer will come from there.

No matter what the answer is, I won't run away.

Because I have Ririka.

"To the cutest Ririka in the world, I love you."

"I love you too."

Ririka hugged her mother tightly in response.

* * *

Rudia kept thinking, 'I have to tell him, I have to tell him.' But it wasn't easy to speak, even though she had made up her mind.

It was a story she had kept deep in her heart. Moreover, it was a story about her own evil deeds.

I was originally a spy for Barat.

I tried to eliminate you.

I even sold my daughter.

Such words couldn't come out. After all, those things didn't happen in this timeline. They never happened.

I could just make up a lie and tell a plausible story—she had thought this many times.

But she wouldn't be satisfied with the answer that came from that.

I want an answer.

I don't want an answer.

While her mind was wavering, the snow began to melt. The days grew longer.

Ririka came from the garden, saying that snowdrops had bloomed, and brought the flowers inside. The white flowers were beautiful.

The sound of melting snow dripping from the eaves could be heard. Water from the melting snow on the trees fell with a thud to the ground.

It was a season when sledding and riding in carriages were both awkward. Yet, she still hadn't told him. Rudia also noticed that Ririka was looking at her with a worried face.

No matter how much she tried to hide it and act calm, pretending to be fine, it was useless. The perceptive child quickly noticed and tried to cheer her up by chattering loudly and bringing various spring gifts.

Rudia took a deep breath. She had to pull herself together.

'If I am despised, there's nothing I can do.'

While she was afraid of being hated, what had she done to Ririka? How had she treated so many other people?

And now, she was shamelessly thinking, 'I did some bad things, but please don't hate me—'

Because I'm afraid of being hated.

But while others might not know, she knew.

'Being shameless might be my only strength.'

She certainly wasn't a good person, still biased, and her affection was only directed towards Ririka. There were still many broken and sharp parts in her.

She had no intention of saying that she was a decent human being.

'Yes, that's right.'

Acknowledging herself made her feel more at ease.

Perhaps she had wanted to appear as a decent person to Altears.

With a bitter smile, Rudia placed the snowdrops Ririka had brought into a vase. The white snowdrops had a yellow trumpet. They emitted a sweet spring fragrance.

Placing the snowdrops on the mantelpiece, Rudia steeled her resolve.

'Certainly, today.'

* * *

"I have something to tell you."

At Rudia's words, Altears, while taking off his riding coat, asked,

"Now? Or—"

"It's not a story to be told over dinner."

Altears chuckled.

"Then, let's have a light meal."

Turning to the servant, the quick-witted servant immediately left. The chef, who would have to redo the prepared meal, would probably tear his hair out, but it was part of the court's duties to obey the king.

After a while, a new dinner prepared by the chef, who had put a lot of thought into it, was brought in. She had intended to bring up the story during the meal, but the conversation kept veering off track.

The seasoned lamb, the perfectly roasted vegetables with a unique sauce—things she would normally savor—tasted like nothing.

In the end, she pushed away the half-eaten dinner and sighed.

"What kind of story is it?"

Altears asked softly. Rudia leaned against the sofa. Altears, taking out a bottle of distilled water from the cabinet, asked,

"A drink?"

"No, but you might want one. After I finish the story, you might want to break the contract."

Altears paused and turned to look at Rudia. His expressionless face and cold eyes stared at her.

"Tell me."

His voice was sharp. After hesitating, Rudia began.

"You were curious about me before, right?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to tell you that story."

"I'm not sure if it's wise to hear it now."

Altears poured whiskey over ice. The amber liquid flowed over the ice.

"I was an alcoholic."

"I already knew that from the slums."

Rudia chuckled.

"But this isn't just that story. So—"

Rudia held the glass with both hands. The strong scent of whiskey rose, but she didn't drink it.

I drank to forget, to run away.

But reality is full of things you can't forget, can't run away from.

Rudia told the story of how she had traveled back in time and the events before that.

How she was a spy for Barat, how she plotted a rebellion—

Once she started, the words poured out like a dam had burst. She couldn't bring herself to look at Altears directly.

Shaking, Rudia continued the story.

"I arranged for Ririka to marry Count Zenbar."

One of the major forces among the noble faction.

"I thought his son was already married."

Rudia's lips curved into a smile. Altears narrowed his eyes.

"You married her to the Count."

"Yes, to a Count who was probably younger than my grandfather. As a second wife. But she was a Countess, a formal marriage. Ririka Vance as a Countess, isn't that the greatest success?"

Her voice rose and then fell.

"You thought that way."

The ice was melting. When she swirled the glass, the ice clinked against the sides. The ice dissolved into the whiskey like mist.

"And then, I rebelled with Barat. We started a revolt. And I saw you."

Rudia finally lifted her head to look at Altears. She didn't know what expression she had on her face.

"You were overwhelming. Humans, like ants being stepped on, were burning and breaking apart. Just by you drawing your finger through the air, humans exploded like fireworks—"

Rudia laughed. It was a rather cheerful laugh, even to her own ears. Strangely so.

"I ran away. Of course. I went to find Ririka. Ririka hid me without a word and helped me escape."

But Ririka was caught. The title of Countess was no protection.

When Rudia found out Ririka was caught, she became anxious. She was afraid. What if Ririka told them where she had fled?

So she couldn't even run to the place Ririka had told her and instead wandered around the capital.

Hearing that the rebels were to be hanged, she went to the square despite her fear.

Ririka was standing in front of the gallows. She couldn't look away.

Their eyes definitely met. Amidst the crowd shouting for Ririka's death, Ririka looked at her.

Rudia was terrified.

—There's a rebel over there!

She was afraid Ririka would shout and point at her.

It must have been a mistake. There were so many people; Ririka couldn't have recognized her. It must have been a mistake, Rudia.

But their eyes met for a long time. Rudia realized it wasn't a mistake; Ririka was really looking at her.

Suddenly,

Ririka smiled.

Ririka, their eyes meeting, smiled.

Why?

Why did she smile?

The incomprehensible shock pierced through Rudia. She turned away, unable to meet Ririka's gaze. The cheers announcing the execution echoed through the square. Pushing through the crowd, Rudia fled the square.

Her tears wouldn't stop. She cried and cried, unable to stop.

She didn't understand why she was crying.

The desire to flee wasn't as desperate as before, and even when she was caught by the guards and dragged to prison, tortured, and led to the stake, she thought,

No.

No.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to end like this, foolishly.

The fire at the stake crackled as the dry wood burned. Smoke rose. Rudia saw her life flash before her eyes. Everywhere, Ririka was there.

Ah, that's it.

Her daughter had loved her. She had been loved. Things she thought were obvious were not obvious at all.

She always wanted to be recognized, to be seen as capable, to make everyone kneel before her—

She wanted to be loved.

Ririka had loved her.

The idea that children were only there to take something from her, that they needed to be useful, crumbled.

Tears were consumed by the flames. Her voice was torn by the smoke.

I thought it was the end.

Rudia put down her glass. She hadn't taken a single sip.

"This is the story. My story. So, I'm not the wise or capable woman you thought I was."

She said calmly.

The only sound was the crackling of the fireplace. After a long silence, Altears spoke.

"So, I won."

"?!?"

Rudia lifted her head sharply. Altears put down his glass and plopped down next to her. He replaced her whiskey with a ginger ale.

"So, I won and crushed the rebels, and you were there."

"Th... that's... right...?"

Did he really hear my story? No, I did lose.

It's true that I was on the losing side.

"But hearing your story, I won. Since I won, I don't think I have the right to mock the losers."

"But... "

"And rising from the slums to the core of Barat's forces is something to be proud of, don't you think? Looking at the people involved—"

They are all people who don't consider humans as humans, who don't consider nobles as nobles. To rise from being a discardable card to a position of power is quite an achievement.

You have to be ruthless, cruel to survive.

"But, I, Ririka—"

"That's not for me to say. It's for Ririka to decide. And—"

Altears looked into Rudia's eyes.

"I heard Ririka smiled at you. Isn't that Ririka's answer? I think that was the last wish of Ririka, the mage."

Rudia stared blankly at Altears. Ririka's smile, etched in her mind, came to her.

Why?

Why did she smile?

Why could she smile at me there?

She kept thinking. She remembered what Ririka had said before.

Love is being together and feeling happy and joyful.

I hope you are happy.

I want to see the other person's smiling face.

When I see you and smile,

If I smile at you, you will—

"Smile back... hmm."

The last words wouldn't come out. Rudia covered her face with both hands. When Altears pulled her shaking shoulders into his embrace, Rudia burst into tears.

She cried and cried.