Chapter 36

36

As I unconsciously tried to pull my hand away, he gripped it even tighter and pressed it firmly against his chest, as if to present undeniable evidence that I couldn’t ignore.

My breath trembled between my parted lips. Everything was vivid: his blue eyes that stared straight into mine, the heartbeat transmitted through his palm, and the heat of his body. The sharp sensations flooded in all at once, making my head feel dizzy.

His blue eyes were begging for an answer, a response to the earnestness they held. But I was afraid to be certain about anything. If I did, it might be irreversible. I had barely managed to give up and resign myself, and I didn’t want to nurture even the smallest sprout of hope.

So instead of giving an answer, I asked a question.

"Why... did you misunderstand me?"

"......"

But that was a question he couldn't answer at the moment. I asked it even though I knew everything. I asked it even though I knew it was cowardly. I wasn't ready to accept anything, anything at all.

Because I finally realized the resentment I felt towards you.

In the confusion of resentment and guilt towards you, the resentment grew louder.

I hated you for misunderstanding and hating me, for never seeing me properly, for equating me with the demons of Everett... I hated you so much.

So I couldn't accept it. With this painful heart, with this heart full of resentment, even your belated warmth, affection, and earnestness...

All of it felt painful.

Your gentle touches only hurt me more. It was like sprinkling salt on a wound or being pricked by a thorn.

It was also very sad. Even though I finally obtained the warmth I wanted, I couldn't be truly happy. It was so sad and heartbreaking. Why did fear come before excitement and joy? Why did I have to doubt even the clear things?

Why was I so afraid of getting hurt?

"......I also..."

I wish I could have met you as a normal person.

Like Adelaine Albinis, how nice it would have been if we had that kind of relationship.

But those words only scattered without a sound.

The rain, which had been gently moistening the ground, gradually intensified. We stood together in the downpour, unable to shield the raindrops that seeped into our hearts.

"......Your Highness......"

At that moment, Charlotte hesitantly approached. She handed something to Theodore. It was the white cloth she had brought to use as a blanket.

Theodore took it, unfolded it, and placed it over our heads.

The world suddenly felt smaller. The white cloth, soaked by the rain, gradually became translucent. I snapped out of my daze and turned to look at Charlotte, worried that she might get wet.

Fortunately, Charlotte had taken off her apron and placed it over her head. ...I couldn't help but let out a shallow smile at her resourcefulness.

"......Lily."

Then Theodore's voice came again. I flinched reflexively and remained still without turning to look at him. I was afraid that if I saw him again, I would be moved.

I was afraid and hated the uncontrollable sensations I felt.

"......I know that I can't even properly apologize to you right now."

"......"

"Since you remember the past that I don't know, any effort I make would be meaningless."

"......"

"......But I will try. I will definitely find out. What the misunderstanding was, why I......"

"......"

"Why I ignored my feelings and pushed you away."

...My heart felt stifled and uncomfortable. If he had just left me alone, it would have been easier, but he kept confronting me.

Human relationships and connections are not one-sided. They inevitably involve mutual interaction.

When he showed me kindness and affection, I couldn't help but be affected by the changes.

And I wanted to avoid that influence, clearly.

"......What if it wasn't a misunderstanding?"

I asked without turning to look at him. He was convinced that there had been a misunderstanding between us. But what if there wasn't?

The truth might be surprisingly simple.

"Perhaps... during the one and a half years we spent together, you just grew to dislike me?"

On that day long ago, in the garden of Everett Castle, perhaps I wasn't the only one pierced by an invisible arrow.

He might have also received the same wound.

But because I was the daughter of the Duke of Everett.

And because, upon observing me, I turned out to be very different from what he had expected.

So he might have been disappointed and come to dislike me.

This was a much more plausible hypothesis than the idea that there was a misunderstanding between us.

"......That's impossible."

Theodore answered a bit later, his voice trembling.

Even though I wasn't looking at him, his expression and eyes seemed vividly clear.

"I couldn't accept such a person as myself."

"......"

At that moment, a hollow laugh escaped me. How much more irresponsible could he be? I slowly shook my head and spoke matter-of-factly.

"I always thought I was different from my father and brothers."

"......"

"But maybe I was wrong."

I finally turned to face him. Looking straight into his trembling blue eyes, I spoke clearly and without hesitation.

"Maybe I learned from my father and grew up with my brothers, and I became just like those demons."

Theodore's mouth moved. Seeing his flustered expression, my heart ached, but at the same time, I felt a strange thrill.

It seemed that I wanted to hurt you as much as I had been hurt.

"That's not true, you are―"

"Like what you said to me before."

Theodore hesitated at my added words. Now my mouth moved on its own. I felt like it was running away, but I couldn't stop it.

"You said before, 'Maybe because you grew up in that den of demons, you're no different from them.'"

Shock gradually spread across Theodore's face. His eyelids trembled as if in a spasm. I stared blankly at his face, which clearly showed self-reproach.

Honestly, I was surprised.

Even without the memory, he felt guilty.

...My chest felt heavy, and I turned away. I realized too late that I had done something childish, but it was too late to take it back.

I swallowed a sigh and closed my eyes. After biting my lip for a moment, I tried to salvage the situation.

"......So, think about it again carefully."

"......"

"Think about whether what you feel so earnestly is really 'me'......"

"......"

"Or the 'me' you've idealized and mistaken for the real me."

I'm not an innocent and good person. I forced a smile and added.

Theodore's mouth moved as if he wanted to say something, but he remained silent.

The rain, which we thought was a downpour, didn't stop for a long time.

* * *

Late at night, when everyone was asleep.

The light was still on in Duke Valentino's study.

Theodore, sitting at his desk, mechanically flipping through documents, suddenly lifted his head, sensing a familiar presence.

The deputy commander of the knights, Carmen, silently opened the door and entered, giving him a respectful salute. Theodore nodded in acknowledgment.

There was no small talk between the two. Carmen's report began immediately.

"I have investigated the activities of the Everett family as thoroughly as you requested."

Carmen took an envelope from inside her cape and handed it to Theodore. Theodore took out a thick stack of documents and began to examine them slowly. His expression, which had been indifferent, gradually turned into a mocking smile. Carmen spoke casually.

"......It seems that the two sons of the Everett family are in a cold war."

"Indeed, it does."

With no internal unity, even small things would cause friction. Theodore smiled and lightly tapped the desk. A little oil would make a small spark grow into a larger fire. The question was which one to touch first.

Hessen Everett was easier to provoke by stimulating his inferiority complex. However, Owen Everett was more complicated.

From what he had learned, Owen Everett was a control freak with a strong obsession with his possessions.

To bait such a person, careful consideration was necessary. A clumsy provocation would only backfire.

"......In any case, it will be like stirring a hornet's nest......"

Muttering to himself, Theodore finished examining the remaining documents. Carmen's reports were always concise yet thorough and very objective, even when they concerned someone he had known for a long time.

"......Aunt......"

Theodore put down the report after reading it. The last twenty pages were about Lady Seymour.

"She was particularly active outside when I had just married Lily. What was she so busy with?"

"......I will investigate further."

"Good, find out in detail where Aunt went, who she met, and what she did."

"As you wish."

Carmen, as always, readily accepted Theodore's command, but this time she hesitated slightly, as if she had a question.

Hesitantly, she spoke.

"......My lord...... May I ask why you want me to investigate Lady Seymour's past activities?"

Theodore, who was putting the report away in a safe, paused.

A smile of unknown meaning appeared on his lips as he turned to look at Carmen.

His eyes, however, were not smiling. Carmen involuntarily tensed. Theodore Valentino was undoubtedly a generous and merciful lord, but sometimes he seemed to hide a deep and dark side, as he did now.

"I suspect my aunt the most."

"......Pardon? What do you mean......?"

The smile on Theodore's lips deepened. The darkness lurking in his eyes seemed to deepen as well.

"Aunt is very good at it. She has been since I was a child, even when my parents were still alive."

Adults often believe that children won't remember things they can't understand. But children's memories are often better than adults think, and they can remember even trivial details.

Even if it's something a child can't understand.

Theodore remembered a very old event clearly. As he grew older, he could name what Annabella Seymour had done back then.

"Sowing discord."