Chapter 40

40

But now, it seems I have become a realist. Hope is sweet, but its aftertaste is bitter. Once I realized this, I could never be the same as before.

But what’s the point of explaining such circumstances to others? Anyway... I saw him the moment he regained his memory. It was when he had stayed up all night nursing me.

It was only for a brief moment, but he was definitely the old Theodore.

The Theodore who was cold and indifferent to me.

At the time, I was very surprised and confused, but now my thoughts are clear.

The misunderstanding between us? It might not have existed in the first place.

And the Theodore who has regained his memory might forget what he was like when he lost it, and what happened during that time.

I had already witnessed it. The way he looked at me coldly again.

The signs are starting to show, so it might not be long now...

So, I can’t afford to be swayed by his dreamlike tenderness...

Because soon, the cold reality will come again.

* * *

As soon as I returned to the room, I talked with Jane. Her opinion as my attending physician about the suspicion of my infertility was as follows:

“...The sleeping pills you were taking might have had a toxic side effect that could cause infertility, but it’s only a possibility, not a definite diagnosis. I noted that in your medical records...”

Jane was hugging the medical records tightly with both arms, looking relieved that they were safely returned. She cautiously asked, checking our reactions:

“...I’m very sorry to ask this, but have you and Mr. Theodore... been intimate...?”

“...”

“...”

A heavy silence stretched on. As if understanding the answer from the silence, Jane nodded hurriedly.

“The only way to definitively diagnose whether you are infertile is to borrow a magical device from the medical academy in the capital and conduct a test. However, if you and Mr. Theodore... have regular relations for a year... and observe, it’s not too late to have the test if you don’t conceive.”

Jane spoke very slowly, clearly embarrassed. Wanting to end the conversation quickly, I smiled politely and replied:

“I will. Dr. Soph has worked hard.”

“No, my lady. I should have managed your medical records more thoroughly... It’s my fault. From now on, I will treat your medical records as if they were my own and carry them wherever I go.”

...It didn’t seem necessary to go that far, but Jane was very serious, so I nodded with a smile.

Just as the conversation seemed to be wrapping up, Jane hastily added before leaving:

“Oh, and... if you and Mr. Theodore have relations, it would be helpful if you could inform me of the dates... for the sake of your health.”

She was very embarrassed again. Given how often she acts this way, it seems to be part of her personality. I responded with a forced smile:

“I will.”

“Yes, then... I hope you rest well. Excuse me.”

Finally, Jane left the room. I wiped the smile from my face and slowly turned to look at Theodore, who... was blushing and cleared his throat.

“...”

“...Well, should we... at least pretend to be intimate? To avoid rumors among the servants... What do you think, Lily?”

...It would be better to do so to prevent Lady Seymour from bringing up my infertility again.

But I didn’t want to. I felt a strong aversion. This emotion, intertwined with fear.

I don’t want to get close to him in any way, physically or mentally. When the distance closes, it’s easier to be affected, that’s just how people are.

“I’ll think about it.”

I evaded the answer. Theodore seems to firmly believe he will never abandon me, but everything will change when his memory returns.

No, it will just revert to the way it was.

I don’t feel bitter or anything... There’s no reason to.

‘I never even expected it.’

I looked at Theodore calmly. Ignoring the look in his eyes that seemed to have a lot to say, I said:

“I want to rest now. Your Excellency should return to your duties...”

“Yes... I’ll come back later. ...My lady.”

He stubbornly called me ‘my lady.’ It was because he was bothered by my calling him ‘Your Excellency.’ But as usual, I pretended not to notice.

“Go on, then.”

“...”

Just as I was about to turn away, Theodore gently grabbed my hand.

I paused and frowned slightly. Theodore slowly bowed his head. A soft, warm touch landed on the back of my hand.

“...”

He lifted his gaze to look at me, his lips slightly parted. His blue eyes burned with a fierce light.

“...You are my wife, Lily.”

“...”

“I know you are anxious and don’t trust me. But... I have no intention of erasing our bond.”

I swallowed a bitter laugh. Of course, you would. The ‘current’ you, who has lost your memory.

“...I will make sure no one else can desire you.”

His voice was filled with determination. It felt like something he had been suppressing and nurturing all along, not something that suddenly appeared.

“Don’t worry about reckless people like Lennon Chester. I will make sure they can’t even approach you.”

...At that moment, I felt a strange sensation. It was something I had wanted to hear from him in the past. I wanted to be special and precious to him, but it was hard to be understood.

Life is truly ironic.

When I desperately wanted it, I got nothing. Only after I gave up did I finally get it.

“...”

I finally felt a bitter feeling.

Indeed, the tenderness he shows me is not at all sweet.

“...I feel a bit dizzy. I need to lie down.”

“Ah... I understand.”

As I pulled my hand away from his, Theodore gently guided me to the bed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

Only after he finally left the room could I breathe a sigh of relief.

* * *

Lately, my main concern has been when Theodore’s memory will fully return.

And what will happen after that. I haven’t made a decision yet, but when the time comes, I suppose...

I won’t be able to stay in this Valentino Castle any longer.

I quietly recalled the conversation I had with Theodore’s attending physician a few days ago.

“I have a question.”

“Yes, please ask.”

“If the Duke regains his memory... will he forget everything that happened while he lost it?”

“That... I’m not sure. I’ve never heard of such a discrepancy, but it’s not impossible...”

“...I see.”

In any case, there was a possibility.

...And I had already witnessed the signs.

Will he completely forget what happened when he lost his memory? Or will he remember it someday...

‘But even if he remembers, will it really have any meaning...’

Staring blankly into space, I eventually snapped out of it and sighed.

Then, I glanced at Charlotte, who was drawing a picture next to me, and asked:

“...Charlotte, do you really think I can sell the pictures I draw?”

“Of course! The flowers, butterflies, and cute animals you draw have a demand. It’s trendy to add illustrations to make greeting cards and letters more appealing.”

“I see...”

I nodded in agreement with Charlotte’s confident answer. Whether anyone will actually buy my drawings remains to be seen, but it’s reassuring to know there’s a demand for such pictures.

“You’re really talented, considering you haven’t had formal training.”

“No, anyone can draw this well.”

“No! Look at the sparrow I drew. It looks more like a monster!”

...Indeed, Charlotte’s sparrow did look more like a monster. But for a first try, it was pretty good... I think.

“...If you practice, you’ll get much better.”

“I’m hopeless. Instead, I’m quite good at embroidery, so I should focus on that.”

“Hmm, yes. Your embroidery is beautiful... It might sell better than my paintings.”

“You flatter me.”

Charlotte gave up on drawing and brought out her embroidery basket. So, I continued drawing, and Charlotte started embroidering.

Recalling the blue forget-me-nots I saw by the river, I slowly sketched them on the canvas, then glanced at Charlotte’s embroidery.

Charlotte was also embroidering blue forget-me-nots on a handkerchief. A soft smile spread across my face.

‘...The sketch is done, now to color it...’

I quickly finished the sketch and picked up a brush. Dipping the brush in the blue paint, I was about to apply it to the canvas when a knock came from outside the door.

Knock knock—

I paused, put down the brush, and called out in a moderately loud voice:

“What is it?”

An immediate response came. It was the voice of a young servant who runs errands around the castle.

“Excuse me, my lady. The master is looking for you. He is in the reception room on the first floor.”

“...”

I glanced at the clock. It was around 3 PM, a time when Theodore is usually busy with his duties. What could he want from me? And in the reception room... Is there a guest?

‘I didn’t hear about any visitors today...’

After a moment’s thought, I got up. Charlotte also stood up, a hint of worry in her face as she looked at me.

...It was as if the peaceful calm that had been soothing my heart had been shattered.

I sighed softly and said:

“Let’s go to the reception room.”