Chapter 21

Draft

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You stare at your lower body, your genitals are swelling inside of your pants. It's hot, partly because Lemuel's eyes are still on it. It's basic couertsy to meet someone's eyes while speaking. You swallow hard and tried to look at Lemuel, but as soon as you saw him, all the words you've organized disappeared.

Lemuel also happened to be looking up at you, the two of you looked at each other, bang, your blood flows back to your head again. When you saw Lemuel's face, you remembered the dream just now, you remember how your hand got around his hips and into his body cavity.

In the dream, Lemuel's face is blurred. You've never seen his face during sex, and naturally you can't imagine that in the dream. But his body is so clear. The warm and elastic skin, the tight burning tunnels, all so realistic, you obviously still remember how they felt. Before you knew that Lemuel was Lemuel, you violated him. The memories of sin are buried in your heart, even if you had deeply repented, they've never disappeared.

You feel a deep sense of apology, you feel a deep sense of guilt, and on top of that, an almost all-consuming panic. You wonder what Lemuel will think of you. You're afraid he'll look uneasy, you're afraid he'll be disgusted-or worse, terrified. Everything's going so well, he talks to you, he looks at you in the eye, you eat together, sometimes you're close enough to feel each other's warmth, he acquiesces to your presence and he looks relaxed too, This is very different from taming in chains. You don't want Lemuel to misunderstand, you don't want to go back in time.

"I won't do it again!" You say hastily. "I used to think of you as a demon, but you- but you're not... I won't do that again, I'm a priest."

"You're a priest." Lemuel repeats, raising his brows, and even laughing, "Do the priest's handbooks say something like 'thou shan't not fuck demons'?"

"Copulation with demons isn't forbidden, they are neither male nor female, neither human nor beast." You explain, swearing once more, "You're not a demon, you're a man. I'll never have sex with a man or defile both of us."

Lemuel's smile slowly faded.

"You mean," He says, "You won't fuck me because I'm a man?"

It's precisely that, since you define Lemuel as a human being, you'll no longer violate him. But he's right, you go on and on.

"Yes," You answer, "'You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.'"

"What is this? A scripture?" Says Lemuel.

"Leviticus," You answer, "'Do not defile yourselves in any of these things, for by all these the nations which I am casting out before you have defiled themselves. Because the land has become defiled, I visited its iniquity upon it, and the land vomited out its inhabitants. You therefore shall keep My statutes and My ordinances, and shall not do any of these abominations, neither the native nor the sojourner who sojourns among you. For the men of the land who were before you have done all these abominations, and the land has become defiled; That the land does not vomit you out when you defile it, as it vomited out the nation which was before you. For all who do any of these abominations, those persons who do them shall be cut off from among their people.'"

You recite a long passage of scriptures in one breath. When you're nervous, chanting can bring you back order. With scriptures, there are rules, follow the scriptures and you'll make no mistakes, God bless you.

But unlike in the old days, you don't fully calm down. There's no expression left on Lemuel's face, his smile seems like snow in the sun, it had melted away without a trace at some point. You can't read his emotions, he's like a box that had slammed shut on you.

Once you stop, the room falls into a terrifying silence. It makes you tremble with fear, like you're see something sliding down a slope, if you don't pull it back it'll have bad consequences. You can't stop, you have to use your clergy skills- it's the only thing you're good at- and reassure Lemuel that the mistakes you made in the past would never be repeated. You know that he's noticed something wrong with you. You're indeed a bit different from ordinary people, but you're a priest that follows the Catholic teachings, you'll definitely not do any of the evils that the Lord forbids. You want to convey this to him and promise him to put his mind at ease.

Lemuel interrupts you as you begin talking about the part where Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed by their rebellious lust.

"Father," He says, "Do you know how many times you've fucked me? You fuck me every day like I'm a fucking daily fitness machine, has the town been destroyed yet?"

Lemuel's voice becomes louder and louder, he's screaming at the end. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists, like he's trying to suppress his anger.

You aren't worried about him getting mad, you did something bad to him, he has all the right to get mad at you, if Lemuel beats you, you won't fight back - you even expect him to start beating you to calm himself down. Then, you can both move on and act like this episode never happened.

"I mistakenly thought that you were a demon at that time, but God is merciful, he forgave me for the sins I didn't know I had committed," You say. "I'm so sorry, I'm deeply sorry for everything."

Lemuel laughs, he seems to feel that this is absurd. He bursts into sharp laughter, but a smile doesn't appear on his face, let alone in his eyes. When he smiles sincerely, his eyebrows and eyes would curve and there'd be subtle smile lines around his eyes, this isn't the way he smiles when he's happy.

He suddenly pounces on you, you don't resist, you're expecting this in your heart. Lemuel lifts your collar and throws you onto the sofa. He gets on top of you, you wait for the fist to drop, but it didn't.

Lemuel is untying your belt, he pulls it out, throws it aside, and starts working on your pants. His fingers were trembling, and he was so angry that he couldn't move. You brace yourself and ask, "What are you doing?"

"I'm a man to you now, aren't I?" Lemuel says. You suddenly understand what he wants to do, but you have no idea why he wants to do it. Lemuel has many ways to get revenge, but this one will also defile himself, this wasn't a good way at all. You point this out and try to persuade him, but he doesn't listen. Lemuel pulls at your pants desperately, his trembling hands and your resistance makes it impossible for him to take it off, so he rips¹ your pants.

You have no other choice but to use prayer. Your mood isn't stable, the effect of the prayer is slightly greater than expected and Lemuel is thrown off your body. Lemuel falls under the sofa, and you get up, zip up, and reach out to him, trying to pull him up. But Lemuel grabs at you, trying to pull you to the ground. You recite the prayer again.

Lemuel's hand slides down, he lies on the floor unmoving. You feel like he needs time to calm down, just like you. You walk into the bathroom and wash your face with cold water, the heat and dizziness from the brandy and the dream had completely disappeared, the culprit in your pants has calmed down. There were no traces left.

The second prayer was very measured, it only left Lemuel paralyzed for ten seconds. You stand around the bathroom for a few minutes hoping that he's calm once you go out, you can try to have a calm conversation. However, when you walk back to the living room, you find Lemuel still lying on the floor, curled up and covering his face.

As you approach him, you hear suppressed sobbing.

He's crying.

You've never seen Lemuel cry, not when he was sold bruised and worn, not when you poured holy water into him, or when he was gunned down. He gritted his teeth and insisted that he's alive, quick and neat even when begging for death, you can't imagine him crying. What happened? What did you do wrong? Why is he crying? You were terrified, half-kneeling beside him. You don't dare to touch him even if you wanted to. You're at a loss, so fumble through the words² you use to persuade believers.

"Are you all right?" You say, "Do you need help?"

Within seconds of hearing you, Lemuel curled even tighter, as if wanting to disappear from your sight. After a few seconds, he seemed to have figured out something. He let go of the hand covering his face, the rims of his eyes and the tip of his nose were red, the tears still wet his face but he looks at you like a broken water jar, not even bothering to wipe it. You almost wince at this, your scalp tingles.

Lemuel is crying.

"I'm gay," Lemuel says.

"You were forced!" You blurt out, eager to exonerate him, "They forced you, it wasn't your intention..."

"I've always been gay." He interrupts you, still sobbing but surprisingly calm, "Since fourteen, or fifteen, I realised that I didn't want to spend my life with a woman."

You don't speak.

"I've had boyfriends before, more than once. I dated them and broke up, not because of some earth-shattering reason, it just didn't fit and we broke up," Lemuel continues. "I've slept with every one of them because I... because my heart and my dick both wanted it. I've been voluntarily fucked, and I've fucked other people. I do more of the latter because I like it. I consent if I fall in love with someone, and I consent if I want to have sex with someone."

He chokes and shivers slightly, and for a moment he looked like he couldn't go on. You want to pull him up, but he ignores you, wiping at his face hard.

"So, Father?" Lemuel says softly, "Am I a dreadful bitch? Do I deserve to go to hell?"

You reply-

A.

"......"

B.

"As long as you repent sincerely, God will save your soul."

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Notes:

1- Says undid?

2- Should still be the same

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PastTimer: Tired and Hungry™