12. After

Two days after Matthew had driven his car into the lake, he found himself in a hospital bed coughing up blood and running a fever. Pneumonia, the doctors explained, was the result of his hideous attempt at drowning himself in a three degrees celsius lake in the middle of October. He would have to stay in the hospital for another week, in order to make sure that no further infections would develop in his lungs.

Seeing that their son was still alive and breathing, and that no funeral preparations were in need of making, the rest of his family seemed to have returned to their normal lives. George took off on various business trips, Regina returned to a life at the bottle. Daniel had no choice, but to return to potsdam for uni, despite wanting to stay back for Matthew. Camille was forced back into books, and cramming endless hours at the library to study for her midterm exams.

One afternoon, Camille grew weary of studying, and shut her Europeon history book. She was tired of reading about stalemate battles being fought in trenches and other sickening conditions. She quickly gathered her things, spit out the flavorless gum she’d been chewing for hours and hopped on the metro headed towards the city.

The St. Agnes hospital campus was large, and a bit overwhelming. Outside, doctors and nurses lit cigarettes, when it was only a few minutes ago they’d advised their respiratory patients to quit cold turkey. Some stood around, taking important phone calls, while others sat on benches absorbing the afternoon breeze. Camille walked along the footpath, and entered through the heavy sliding glass doors. She rode the elevator up to the ICU with her nails digging small half moons into the tender skin of her palms. Maybe she wasn’t ready to-

The doors flew open and she found herself walking across to the nurse’s station asking for Matthew. She directed her somewhere across the hall, where she saw her brother lying in bed, mindlessly sketching something on a napkin, while his gaze was held somewhere else.

She stood in the doorway and knocked on the already open door. She felt like a stranger to her own brother. His gaze breaks away from empty space and over to her. They stare at each other for a few moments before Camille finally enters the room and sits down in a chair next to his bed.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Matthew asks after some time. He isn’t looking at her, but is smoothing out the blanket over his legs.

“We had a half day for revision.” She replies, her voice barely a whisper. He simply nods.

“How are you feeling?”

There are dark shadows under his eyes. His face looks deathly pale, his skin drained of its usual color. She could answer her own question just by looking at him.

“How do you think? I feel like shit. I’m coughing up blood, I don’t sleep, I sweat through my clothes.”

“Well whose fault is that?”

He chuckles bitterly. “You know a normal sibling would come in and say something like “Oh hi Matthew, hope you get better, I love you.’”

“Fuck off. You know I’m angry with you.” Camille glared. Matthew rolls his eyes.

“Really, Camille? I couldn’t tell.” He says sarcastically.

She inhales sharply “You come into my room asking for a place to sleep. You ask me to go to Stralsund with you and I say no. Next thing I know is Daniel’s dragging me out of school because you’ve nearly drowned to death! And knowing you, you were probably drinking like an idiot or getting high with those stupid pricks from the footall club!”

“It wasn’t like that! I was sober!-” He sighs and lowers his voice. “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now...”

Camille’s voice breaks. “What like? Hurting yourself?”

He doesn’t say anything. Camille’s lower lip trembles and her vision gets blurry with tears.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t you start.”

She wipes her eyes on her sleeve. “Why wouldn’t you say anything? If you needed me that bad, I would’ve fucking skipped! You know I would’ve!”

“See that’s it! I’m so tired of dragging you down with me! All I’ve done is made your life hell and you’re tearing yourself apart for some useless piece of shit like me!”

“I don’t think you’re useless. Stop saying that about yourself. I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me that you were…” Her voice trails off. She can’t bring herself to say it or believe it. “Suicidal.” Her eyes glaze the ground. “It’s not like we can talk to mama and papa about shit, we tell eachother everything. At least, we used to.”

“Bullshit. You don’t tell me anything me anymore. You haven’t blown up at me for running away. You never told me how it made you feel.”

“You never asked, Matthew!”

“Should I have to?”

Her palms are probably bleeding at this point. Her fists were clenched for so long she couldn’t quite feel any sensations in her hands anymore. She sits back in her chair and tries to steady her breathing. An overwhelming sense of nausea hits her, but she ignores it. She feels like collapsing any moment now.

The room is quiet now. The TV lays another stupid infomerical while outside, the room, monitors beep, doctor’s talk among eachother and footsteps pad across the linoleum floors. The sound of a few raindrops hitting the window fills the room. It’s a comfortable silence, but it’s suffocating them both.

“Look do us both a favor and leave.” Matthew says his voice much softer than before. It reminds her of the Matthew she knows, the brother who so very much loves her.

“Neither of us are ready to talk about this, so why don’t you go home and quit wasting your time here.”

He’s right, she is wasting her time. It only 1:00. She could be studying for her other exams or doing something productive with her time. She knows she should go, but it’s like her feet are glued to the floor.

She shouldn’t leave him like this, she really shouldn’t.

But she does anyway.