Chapter 64

64

"Do you like me, Shalina?"

I laughed out loud at Dechar Clown's question, asked in a voice like Main's.

I shook off the dirt from my empty hands.

The Clown family is kind in their own way, but that's all.

"Not really?"

"…What?"

In response to his question, I smiled widely again, as if I didn't know anything. Then, instead of answering, I sat down in front of Majungseok.

I can't say I like it.

I don't like it.

…No, I can't like it. We live in such different places.

Dechar Clown looked at me for a long time, then sighed and planted a flower in the pot again.

"Thank you for the gift."

"Uh-huh."

"I wish I could accept you as my real granddaughter now."

You should have done that when the real Shalina was here.

The moment I took her place, it was too late. Your regret is too late.

You are cowardly, and I, who use such cowards, am trash.

Knowing this, I didn't say anything.

"Valian was a very free child."

I fiddled with Majungseok as if I wasn't listening to the story.

It seemed that Dechar Clown didn't think I was listening properly either.

"He was honest from birth. He cried loudly, laughed a lot, played a lot, and traveled around a lot even when he was young. Even though he was born into the Clown family, he had no prejudices."

I don't want to hear about a failed life…

I didn't want to hear about my own life either. I know better than anyone that the path I've taken is wrong.

I've killed many, trampled many, and abandoned human decency.

"As he grew older, he started going outside and mingling with commoners."

Should I be considered a blemish in an elite family?

I heard that Dechar Clown was even more dangerous when he was young.

He had no flexibility and wasn't as soft as he is now. Just a few years ago, he was like that, so I can only imagine how much worse it was before.

"I thought it was terrible. When he announced that he would marry a woman he didn't even know from outside, I strongly opposed it."

Do you know that this is too complicated a story to tell a three-year-old? It sounds like you're reciting a whole life story.

"I told him to cut ties and leave. When he first got angry at me, the child who always laughed, I should have realized it then…"

I could see Dechar Clown's regret.

"If I could have loved that child a little more normally, it would have been better."

He grimaced.

"I, and my predecessors, were taught that way, so I didn't know."

His face showed deep regret for a past that couldn't be changed.

Perhaps through these experiences, Dechar Clown gradually became more flexible.

"Valian really did leave after that."

He said this with a weak smile.

I gathered all of Majungseok and pushed them into my pocket. I didn't show them that I had a pocket dimension.

I turned my head and looked at Dechar Clown.

"It's fine, no matter what."

"…"

"It's fine, after all."

How nice it would be to live a life without regret.

But humans can't do that.

People have fewer days without regret. So, I can only comfort myself by saying it's okay.

"It's fine, after all."

I can only hope that my choices are not the worst.

I can only move forward by carrying my regrets.

Just like I did, just like you did, we are foolish people who know no other way.

If we had known another way, perhaps we wouldn't have ended up in the worst situation.

"I've made you an adult again so quickly."

Dechar Clown muttered this, covering his eyes with his palm and bowing his head for a long time.

* * *

‘I feel so uncomfortable.’

It feels like I went to the bathroom and didn't wipe.

I've felt uncomfortable ever since I saw Dechar Clown like that. I didn't expect to have to go to the royal palace in this uncomfortable state.

‘The maids are acting strange lately.’

Whenever I meet them, they keep giving me candy or chocolate.

I'm so suspicious that I wonder if they're poisoned. And there are clearly more vases in the mansion.

What's happening behind my back without my knowledge? As a result, I've been collecting the candy and chocolate they gave me in a box, one by one. It feels like a Pandora's box that I don't want to open.

Moreover, this morning, I had to travel with Sharant Clown in a strange, unpleasant, and uncomfortable way.

He suddenly came to me, ordered me to get ready, and said we were going to the royal palace.

As a result, I was trapped in the same carriage with him, sitting opposite him.

I wanted to refuse, but what could I do? Besides, Vera said she understood before I could say anything.

‘I hate Vera.’

She should be on my side.

"Sharant."

I shook my leg out of boredom and called out to Sharant Clown, who was reading documents in front of me.

"Sharant."

"…"

"Sharant."

This guy is blatantly ignoring me.

Even though he has sensitive hearing, he's doing this now?

When I glared at Sharant Clown, who was sitting opposite me, he glanced at me and then turned his head away again.

"…Shit."

"Sure."

I laughed hollowly at the shameless man who answered immediately when I changed the way I addressed him.

Do you really want to hear "uncle"? Do you really want to be part of the family?

"Why are we going to the palace?"

"The Emperor called for you."

"Why?"

There must be a reason he called me.

A man who could have a hundred snakes nesting in his body wouldn't call me for no reason.

He frowned, clearly displeased.

‘What, is there a reason?’

He sighed deeply.

"He wants to see you use the artifact."

"Huh?"

"It's a royal decree with the royal seal, so it would be a bit troublesome to refuse."

Well, if the Emperor gets angry, he could do anything to a duke's family, right?

Anyway, he's the Emperor, and a duke's family can't openly defy the Emperor.

‘How does he usually take revenge?’

While I was thinking, Sharant Clown spoke with a very tired expression.

"He'll summon you to the palace every day, send you useless gifts, and invite you for a cup of tea or ask what you did a few days ago."

As I listened, my expression twisted involuntarily.

No, that's just harassment, right? It's just childish harassment, not the kind of revenge the Emperor would do.

"I really don't like it."

The feeling that my body wasn't my own was very unsettling.

I didn't like that everything I saw was semi-transparent.

He looked at me silently, then rested his arm on the carriage window and propped his chin on it.

"Do you want to kill me?"

"Huh?"

What's with this sudden, out-of-the-blue question?

As I stared at him with a bewildered expression, he slowly lowered his eyelashes.

His lips curled up into a round shape.

"At that time, you grabbed my heart, didn't you?"

Ah, that was just because I saw you in front of me.

I thought I could crush it if I grabbed it. I don't know why I felt that way, but I just touched it because it didn't feel real.

Sharant Clown looked at me silently.

"Did you want to kill me?"

"No."

I don't know about the past, but I have no thoughts now.

I don't want to kill you or harm you. I just hope that when the time comes, we can each go our separate ways.

And honestly, what would happen to me if I killed you in my current situation?

"I saw it."

"You saw it?"

"Yeah, I saw it. I just grabbed it."

I just grabbed it; it had no meaning.

Of course, it probably didn't feel good to have your heart grabbed with bare hands.

Sharant Clown, who usually shows no change in expression, shuddered. It must have been a sensitive spot without a protective barrier.

"What does it feel like to wear a crown?"

"Um, I can see everything."

The world becomes semi-transparent.

I can hold anything in my hands and see things that are invisible, and reach out to them.

If I can give orders, they will probably become another source of power.

Sharant Clown, who heard my words, fell silent.

He seemed to be lost in thought for quite a while.

When the carriage finally arrived at the royal palace, he hugged me.

I naturally wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my cheek on his shoulder, then suddenly felt startled.

I was surprised at how natural the whole situation felt.

‘…Why is he so good at hugging people!’

Just being hugged makes my body feel relaxed.

I know that a child instinctively relaxes in a parent's arms, but Sharant Clown isn't a parent!

‘But he’s unexpectedly domestic, and I heard he divorced his wife.’

Looking at his personality, he does have some frustrating aspects, but he's not that bad. He's not the type to do unpleasant things.

Since I can't communicate with him, it might feel more frustrating, but considering that, he's definitely not bad.

He walked more slowly than usual.

I felt drowsy in the comfortable, almost motionless sensation.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, Sharant Clown's steps came to an abrupt stop.