Chapter 39

"Xu Brother, Xu Brother."

Xu Mo, in a daze, heard someone calling him. He opened his eyes and immediately saw Qin Ruolan’s concerned gaze.

"You’re awake!" Qin Ruolan’s face lit up with surprise when she saw him open his eyes.

He had only been unconscious for a short while. Qin Ruolan and her son were staying at a nearby hotel. When they heard the explosion, they also came out to see what was happening. When Xu Mo returned, she was at the front of the crowd. She saw Xu Mo, but he was only thinking about Xiaoqing and didn’t notice her.

Seeing Xu Mo unconscious, she hurriedly pushed through the crowd.

"You’re okay, that’s great, Xu Brother. I was worried that you might have been in the room during the explosion," Qin Ruolan continued. She genuinely cared about Xu Mo, but she didn’t seem too concerned about the other victims.

As for why Xu Mo was outside when the explosion happened, she felt a bit curious but didn’t ask.

"Xiaoqing, Xiaoqing."

He nodded to Qin Ruolan and immediately remembered Xiaoqing. He got up from the ground and, without a second thought, rushed through the police barrier toward the ruins.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

A police officer shouted, and several others came to stop him. Two officers grabbed his arms, one on each side, and dragged him away, saying, "It’s dangerous inside, don’t go in."

Xu Mo, thinking only of Xiaoqing, struggled and shouted, "Have you seen Xiaoqing?"

One of the officers, who seemed more approachable, thought Xiaoqing might be someone who lived in the building and responded, "We are still rescuing, but we haven’t found any survivors yet. Please try to stay calm."

His words were gentle, but in reality, with the entire building destroyed like that, how could there be any survivors?

Hearing this, Xu Mo realized the officer had misunderstood and quickly said, "No, Xiaoqing is a snake. Have you seen it?"

The officer gave him a stern look, thinking: If we can’t save the people, why care about a snake? But he said, "Stay here, don’t come over."

"Xu Brother." Qin Ruolan hurried over and called out to Xu Mo. Seeing the officer was more approachable, she asked, "Officer, what happened here?"

The officer looked at her warily and asked, "Who are you?"

"We are also residents here. We just happened to not be staying here tonight, so we escaped the disaster," Qin Ruolan replied cautiously.

"You were lucky." An older man in his fifties, wearing glasses, was coming out with a man who looked like an officer, holding some documents. He was likely the investigator for this accident. Hearing Qin Ruolan’s words, he shook his head and interjected, "A high-voltage line short-circuited, coinciding with a gas leak in the kitchen. Even worse, there was a gas canister storage next to the kitchen. Your safety awareness is really poor."

The man who looked like an officer asked, "Professor Xu, was it not caused by human error?"

The older man replied, "It doesn’t seem so. It’s more likely an accident."

The officer let out a sigh of relief. If it had been a human-caused incident or a terrorist attack, he would have been responsible. But an accident meant he was off the hook.

Taking advantage of the officers’ distraction, Xu Mo rushed in again. They didn’t stop him this time, as they had confirmed it was an accident and were less vigilant.

Xu Mo ran to the ruins, calling out Xiaoqing’s name. He searched for a long time but received no response.

He collapsed in the snow, feeling as if the sky had fallen. The world seemed to darken, and he couldn’t help but cry out loud.

The Book of Enlightenment had given hints, but he had misinterpreted them. He didn’t leave with Qin Ruolan and her son. Xiaoqing had repeatedly warned him, but he was too foolish to understand. She bit his finger to save him, and he had misunderstood her, thinking he was poisoned.

She saved him but died in the accident.

He remembered all the good things about Xiaoqing, how she had helped him during his hardest times, when he couldn’t afford food and only had two steamed buns a day. Despite being a snake, she had a spirit and would steal money for him, getting hurt in the process. When he felt wronged, only Xiaoqing would listen to him.

For a long time, he had lived in pain and despair, seeing no hope in life or the future. He had come to rely on Xiaoqing as a lifeline, which gave him the strength to live and the courage to be strong.

Now, with Xiaoqing’s fate unknown, that strength seemed to have left him.

When his parents disappeared, he was devastated, but he hadn’t experienced the same level of hardship and pain as he did now.

Without Xiaoqing, he felt utterly alone in the world.

In his despair, he thought: If Xiaoqing is dead, I don’t want to live either.

After crying for a while, he felt a hand pulling him up. He didn’t resist, instinctively standing up and walking away.

Qin Ruolan called out, "Xu Brother, Xu Brother, where are you going?" but he didn’t hear her.

He wandered aimlessly, feeling numb to the cold and hunger. The wind blew snow into his neck, melting and trickling down his body, but he didn’t feel it.

After a long time, he felt tired and instinctively sat down, lying on the ground. It was already the next evening, and he was under a pedestrian bridge, surrounded by some holly bushes.

Throughout the day, he had been in a state of despair, thinking only of death. His will and senses were completely numb. Lying down, he felt his consciousness slipping away.

He was about to die, and he no longer cared about the world, even smiling.

Just then, a man and a woman, who looked like a couple, were passing by the bridge. The woman was holding the man’s arm, and it was around 10:30 PM. The snow had been falling since the previous night and hadn’t stopped. The streets were empty, and the couple was naturally afraid. The man heard a noise from under the bridge and shouted, "Who’s there?"

The woman was startled and whispered, "What’s wrong?"

The man looked again at the holly bushes where Xu Mo was lying and said, "There was a noise there. Someone is down there."

The woman shook her head, "This late at night, who would be here?"

The man hesitated, and the woman added, "It’s so cold, I’m freezing." She rubbed her hands, stomped her feet, and blew into her hands, saying, "Even if there is someone, it’s not our problem. Let’s go home quickly."

The man looked at her, softened, and said, "Okay."

The woman was relieved and held his arm, pulling him away quickly.

Rats?

Hearing the woman’s words, Xu Mo felt a deep sense of humiliation. He subconsciously clenched his fists, and his consciousness suddenly became clear.

"Rats! Rats!"

He sat up, muttered a few words, and lay down again.

After walking in the snow for a day and a night, his clothes were soaked. As he regained consciousness, he felt the cold and began to shiver uncontrollably. Thinking of his parents, Xiaoqing, and the hardships he had endured, he couldn’t help but cry, his voice hoarse from the effort.

People passed by the bridge, hearing his cries, but no one stopped to look.

In his daze, he fell asleep again, only to have a nightmare. He shouted, "I’m not a rat, I’m not a rat," and woke up in a panic.

But when he woke up, he found himself in a nightmare. He was conscious but felt an inexplicable fear. His eyes were open, and he could hear the wind howling outside the bridge, but his body wouldn’t move.

He was terrified, trying to sit up but couldn’t control his body. He couldn’t even move a finger or call for help, only making strange gurgling sounds.

The feeling of losing control was terrifying. He forced himself to calm down, slowly gathering his strength. After a long time, he felt his strength return and sat up abruptly. He was drenched in cold sweat.

The fear hadn’t completely subsided, but he managed to stand up and walk out from under the bridge. It was midnight, and the snow was falling heavily under the streetlights.

He suddenly felt something was wrong and looked down at himself. His shirt was unbuttoned, exposing his chest to the air.

Despite the heavy snow and strong wind, sweat poured from his chest, and he felt no cold.

The deep breathing he had been striving for had finally been achieved.

——

PS: When someone is extremely depressed and wants to die, as described in this chapter, they can indeed die. Like monks who meditate and think of nothing, over time, when they truly want to die and have no attachments, they can die quickly.

There’s also the story of an elderly couple where the wife was bedridden, and the husband took care of her. When the wife died, the husband held her hand and followed her.

These ways of dying are similar to euthanasia in principle.

Lastly, the nightmare described in this chapter is based on the author’s personal experience.

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