Chapter 53

In the Rizhuyue Pavilion, the person Lu Zheng was closest to was naturally Xin'er, followed by Mr. Le, and lastly his teacher, Li Yi. Although his teacher was very good to him, Lu Zheng understood this, but the teacher always had a stone-like stern face, making it not easy for people to get close to him. Therefore, whenever he was in front of the teacher, unless the teacher spoke first, Lu Zheng rarely took the initiative to speak, which was also in line with the proper etiquette of a disciple.

Compared to the tension of facing the teacher, Lu Zheng felt very relaxed and at ease with Mr. Le. Apart from being more serious when teaching him music, at other times, Lu Zheng felt that Mr. Le was almost like a playmate.

However, only in front of Xin'er did Lu Zheng have endless words to say. He even wished to tell Xin'er everything about himself from childhood, including his embarrassing moments. For example, one day he found a copper coin on the street and was feeling quite pleased with himself, but then he stepped into a hole and fell flat on his face, losing the copper coin in the process. Tang Xiaojiu had laughed at him for a long time.

Both of them were around the same age, still a bit naive and innocent, and naturally got along very well. Xin'er was cute, with snow-white skin and eyes as black and bright as ink. She always wore a few small braids and liked to dress in pink or white, looking like a little fairy to Lu Zheng. Moreover, she was gentle and adorable, often mischievous, but always showed surprising intelligence at critical moments, which amazed Lu Zheng.

Apart from being playful and charming, Xin'er's favorite thing was to tease the somewhat simple-minded Lu Zheng, then stand aside and giggle. However, Xin'er was also the most considerate and caring, and with Lu Zheng's devoted care and affection, the two spent their days together happily, never quarreling.

The two often ran around in the Rizhuyue Pavilion, with Xin'er's small braids bouncing as she ran. She would often stop suddenly and wave at Lu Zheng, saying, "Big brother, come over quickly!" or shout, "Big brother, come and help me!" or, when tired, "Big brother, carry me back!"

Xin'er also liked this gentle, sensitive, and somewhat silly big brother very much. She was willing to share her little secrets with him and would think of Lu Zheng first whenever anything happened.

One day, Xin'er couldn't find Lu Zheng anywhere and wondered where her big brother had gone. She went to ask Teacher Li Yi, but to her surprise, Li Yi just said he didn't know, picked up a book, and started reading, ignoring her.

How could the teacher not know what was happening in the Rizhuyue Pavilion? Xin'er, being very smart, realized that the teacher didn't want to tell her. This made her even more curious, so she went to ask Mr. Le. Unexpectedly, the usually straightforward Mr. Le was also evasive, saying a few vague words, suggesting that Lu Zheng should not be disturbed at the moment. Seeing Xin'er's puzzled face, Mr. Le slapped his forehead, said he needed to change his clothes, and quickly disappeared.

Xin'er called out several times, but Mr. Le was already gone. She pouted, feeling worried. What had happened to her big brother? Why wouldn't the two teachers tell her? Could he have hidden himself? She had to find him.

Xin'er recalled the places she often went with her big brother. She remembered that he liked to follow her to the flower garden to water the flowers, which was a task assigned by Teacher Li Yi. On the first day Xin'er entered the Rizhuyue Pavilion, Teacher Li Yi had taken her to the depths of the flower garden, given her a seed, and told her to plant and take good care of it until it bloomed.

No one knew what kind of flower the seed was. Xin'er planted it for a whole year, and it only sprouted on the day Lu Zheng arrived at the Rizhuyue Pavilion. In the past three months, it had grown two leaves, which made Xin'er very happy, feeling that it was good luck brought by her big brother. Therefore, the two often came together to water and weed the garden, taking care of this unusual seedling.

Xin'er walked into the flower garden for a long time and finally found Lu Zheng. When she saw him, he was sitting under a large Jinbolo flower, hugging his knees and facing away from her. Xin'er was about to call out to him but noticed his back was shaking, and then she heard his muffled sobs.

Her big brother was crying! This surprised Xin'er, so she swallowed her words and carefully approached, trying not to make too much noise. She then patted Lu Zheng's back and called, "Big brother!"

Lu Zheng turned around, his face covered in tears. Normally, he would have quickly wiped them away so Xin'er wouldn't see, but today, he seemed not to notice her. He just glanced at her and turned away, saying nothing.

Xin'er saw the numb expression on Lu Zheng's face and the boundless sorrow in his eyes, which made her feel sad too. She remembered a day when she had entered her mother's room and found her sitting by the bed, holding her father's clothes and crying, with the same look in her eyes.

Xin'er asked cautiously, "Big brother, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Did the teacher scold you again?"

Lu Zheng didn't answer. A heavy silence surrounded him, making Xin'er feel suffocated. She was a bit afraid but still mustered the courage to ask, "Big brother, say something. Are you ignoring Xin'er?"

Lu Zheng opened his mouth as if to speak, but in the end, he only moved his lips, saying nothing. Tears streamed down his cheeks.

Xin'er didn't know what to do, so she stood silently beside him. After a long time, Lu Zheng finally spoke, his voice low and hoarse, with a hint of confusion, "Why didn't I die, but Jiu Ge? If I had died, I wouldn't feel so bad, right?"

Xin'er finally understood that her big brother was crying because of Tang Xiaojiu's death, which was why the teachers didn't want to tell her. No wonder his eyes looked just like her mother's when she cried. She continued, "Big brother, that's not true. If you had died, Jiu Ge would be just as sad as you are now. Would you rather Jiu Ge be this sad, or would you rather be this sad yourself?"

Lu Zheng was taken aback by Xin'er's words. He had never thought about it this way. Since learning that Tang Xiaojiu was likely dead, he had always felt as if a heavy stone was pressing on his heart, unable to shake it off. Sometimes, the pain made him feel that Jiu Ge was even worse than the monster, leaving without a word and leaving him alone in the world.

Now, with Xin'er's question, he remembered that if the monk hadn't saved him that day, he would have died first. If the monster had been killed by the monk, Jiu Ge would have survived. If Jiu Ge had survived, would he be as sad and distressed as Lu Zheng was now?

Lu Zheng thought about Tang Xiaojiu's personality and realized that Jiu Ge would be just as sad, if not more. However, Jiu Ge was strong and broad-minded, and wouldn't cry like him. He would still live his life, but that didn't mean he wouldn't be sad. Thinking of this, Lu Zheng's mind was filled with Tang Xiaojiu's playful smile.

But if he had to choose between being this sad and painful or dying and letting Jiu Ge be sad, Lu Zheng couldn't decide. If he had really died, he might not know if he was in pain or not, and might forget everything.

Lu Zheng had heard a story about how everyone had to drink a bowl of Mengpo Soup after death, which would make them forget everything about their life. But if he forgot everything, wouldn't he forget Jiu Ge too? Lu Zheng didn't want to forget Jiu Ge, even in death. So, dying didn't seem like a good option either.

But living and remembering Jiu Ge made him feel so miserable, so miserable that he wished he were dead, forgetting everything and not feeling so sad. It was a contradiction. If living always made him feel so painful, what should he do?

If he had known this would be the result, he would have rather stayed as a beggar on the street in Qinglong Temple with Tang Xiaojiu. Why did they have to steal money from the temple? If they had just listened to Lai Liqi, they would have lived a peaceful life, without the pain of separation and death. But then, he wouldn't have met Xin'er, which would have been very bad.

Thinking back and forth, Lu Zheng's mind was a mess. He felt that no matter what he did, it was wrong. He remembered what the monk had said on Liangjie Mountain, that people suffer because they desire too much. At the time, he didn't fully understand, but now he realized that he had indeed desired too much—wanting Jiu Ge to live and wanting to meet Xin'er. But was it really a mistake to want Jiu Ge to live and to meet Xin'er?

Xin'er, usually mischievous and carefree, had asked such a difficult question. Lu Zheng thought for a long time but still couldn't answer. Looking up, he saw Xin'er staring at him. Her eyes were beautiful, like two small crescent moons.

Seeing her big brother looking so puzzled, frowning and pursing his lips, Xin'er said, "Big brother, don't be afraid, okay?"