Chapter 9

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The sky is blue, the birds are chirping happily in the thin morning rays making the spring morning a little more fresh and warm.

After freshening up, Jingxuan walked out of his tent. Last night, the Emperor ordered him to temporarily return to the capital to deal with some pressing matters. He wanted to leave early so he got up earlier than usual.

Beside the extinguished fire, he saw her.

She is leaning on a tall pile of felt, but is curled upinto a ball, giving the impression of inexplicable weakness and helplessness. Her head was titled against the felt, and a line of tear stains still hung on her beautiful slim cheeks, making feel soft. An unexplainable pity and guilt rose through his throat making him clench his fist.

He stared at her and felt strange.

When she smiled at him, when she looked at him calmly, when with great sense she rewarded the imperial physician, when she picked up the dirty food; in all of these he was not too surprised. But at this moment… he suddenly realized that no matter how annoying she was, she is still a little girl.

He never thought that she would look so fragile. He deliberately said so many things that can hurt her; did so many things that can affect her, because in the past she did not give him any face and pestered him to no end.

But how can she look vulnerable now when she was that sort of person who always bullies and hurt others?

He thought of that wound in her arm, of her stern cries when she had nightmares in the middle of the night. He can just frown because, what does all of this have to do with him?

Did he tell her to trample on that old lady to death? Did he ask her to show off everywhere and make trouble to provoke God’s anger?

Yes. In order to get rid of Lao Zuzong’s betrothal, he threw stones on that person who has already fallen in a well[1]. And he owed her, but he had already paid it off! He even helped recover their family’s estate and helped the victim’s family.

“Someone, prepare me a horse!” He ordered indifferently and a smart guard had brought him a horse immediately.

Mei Li who has always slept unsteadily was awakened by his words. Her confused eyes gathered clarity and saw Jingxuan taking the reins of a steed not far away.

Behind the pile of felt, Yonghe woke up vaguely, wiped his face and jumped up, “Jingxuan-ge? Are you returning to the capital?”

“En.” Jingxuan turned on his horse, neat and steady. “You should take care of Lao Zuzong. His Majesty has Zi Yu on his side. If there’s anything, you can ask Zi Yu.” He said while looking at his horse and stroking its mane.

“Alright.” Yonghe nodded.

Mei Li stood up slowly. She did not know what to do now. She knew there will be a lot of chances that she will meet her in the future and if she keeps avoiding him, it will be more awkward for the both of them, right?

“You[2]…” She paused as she addressed him respectfully for the first time, “Be careful on the way.” She blessed him with courtesy.

Jingxuan clenched on his reins and let out an indifferent “En.”

Isn’t this exactly what he wanted? For them to be alienated like strangers. Very well. He clamped the horse’s belly and it neighed and ran away quickly.

For a second, his felt his chest stung.

In the past, Mei Li has not been as courteous as this. She was pushed in a dark cage like tricky beast, and came out as gentle and as compliant as a rabbit. What kind of pain has resulted to such radical change?

He speeded with his whip, the wind in his ears rang her screaming voice last night: Help… Help me…

Meanwhile in the hunt, the Emperor led the men to round up the prey as the women came to cheer as they played on the forest slopes. But Mei Li did not join them and went to Xiaozhuang to wait on her.

Seeing the obvious traces of lack of sleep, Xiaozhuang pitied her and especially asked someone to serve her and let her make up for her sleep. As Mei Li wanted to avoid the crowd, she acquiesced.

A young lady was sent to wait on her. Mei Li asked her to look out for her and stay beside her bed so she can immediately wake her up if she screams again.

By the time she woke up, it was already past lunch time. The men were already tired after a morning full of riding and hunting. The women were also tired of spectating and everyone returned to take a nap.

The little maidservant staying beside Mei Li became so sleepy after guarding her for so long so she apologized before she allowed her to retreat.

Mei Li skillfully combed her own hair into a simple bun. As there was no one else attending her in the Anning Hall, she had long been used to taking care of her daily chores that this task has become so simple for her.

When she came out, except for the patrolling guards, there was no one around. Although the sun is a little bit scorching at that high noon, it makes Mei Li’s feelings very warm and comfortable. She strolled towards the river and enjoyed the solitude, she could not help but smile.

She sat by the river and watched the gurgling water, she could not help but grab some pebbles and throw them into the water one after the other arousing small splashes. She could not help but laugh softly. Two years of loneliness and dull life made her learn to amuse herself with simple things. Because is back then she didn’t, she might have gone crazy.

As she looked for another good pebble after throwing the last one, she caught a glimpse of a pair of a familiar gorgeous boots. She was taken aback and looked up. The sun lit the handsome figure and made a dazzling sight, she had to squint her eyes to see clearly.

She was stunned. How could it be him? Didn’t he just return to the capital?

She quickly stood up and saw that there is no one else beside him. She was really inexplicably embarrassed and for a moment she was frozen in place.

He looked at her in silence. She was obviously quite a tall girl, but because of her slender figure and defined face, she looked smaller than before.

Her long eyelashes no longer looked as arrogant and rude as before. They are now half-dangling, densely covering her clear and quiet eyes. Those eyes used to be very beautiful, but the brilliance it used to have became dimmer. But still, somehow, it contained such an indescribable charm now radiating humility and stubbornness.

“Here.” Jingxuan handed her a paper bag. He didn’t know why he is feeling upset and irritated. He is obviously feeling sorry for the suffering she has endured for the past two years. She used to ask him to buy her various snacks in the past, but he ignored all her requests. Now, when he think about it, he seemed a little too much. So he should compensate her just this once.

“What is this?”

“Zongzi candy[3].” He hummed coldly in a very displeased voice.

Her hands hidden in her sleeves trembled lightly as a memory was triggered by such words.

Back then, when she learned that Jingxuan was posted to stay in the Southern Study[4], she quietly sneaked inside and saw him reading a book. She jumped over and put her arms around his neck acting coquettishly.

He scolded her and asked her to let him go telling her to act in propriety.

Instead, she even threatened him that she won’t let go unless he promises to buy her zongzi candy. She loudly whispered next to his ear, “I love zongzi candy the most.”, hoping that it will reach his heard and remember what she loved. She hoped that whenever he sees the candies on the streets, he would remember her.

Now, she can only smile bitterly.

When she first entered the Anning Hall, Zi Qing-Jie secretly came to visit her and brought her a large bag of zongzi candy. She was overjoyed and thought Jingxuan was the one who bought it for her. Zi Qing hesitated and said she bought it by default.

She stored the candy carefully and was reluctant to eat it. She would only eat one when she really missed him.

Earlier, she heard several court ladies and eunuchs mocking her wishful thinking. Only then that she found out that Lao Zuzong used her blunder to give Jingxuan to her, saying that as long as Mei Li becomes under Jingxuan’s wing, she will naturally be calm and mature and will no longer seek trouble.

But Jingxuan refused to be used. He even actually asked the emperor that instead of the marriage, she can also mature if they increase her punishment.

She could not believe how abhorred he was at her!

So when Zi Qing jiejie came to see her, she already knew what she meant to him, but still she did not give her hopes up and still asked if the candy was from Jingxuan.

Zi Qing jiejie cried and asked her not to be obsessed with him anymore, to stop torturing herself with this one-sided love.

That night, she still could not believe the truth. She ate a piece of the zongzi candy. It was so bitter! The sugar was even more bitter than the Chinese goldthread[5], its bitterness went from her mouth to her heart.

She does not believe in evil[6], so she ate another bite. But why was it still so bitter?

When she finally buried all the zongzi candy, she finally accepted the bitter reality. From then on, she would never eat this candy again. She will not ever taste bitterness again.

“Thank you.” She looked at the bag in her hand which arrived two years late, “I don’t like zongzi candy anymore.”

Jingxuan frowned, and then threw the paper bag into the river without any hesitation. He really is that superfluous person.

He turned around and is about to leave when she stopped him.

“Jingxuan-gege.”

He froze for a moment. Did she call him Jingxuan-gege again? It seems like no matter how she calls him, whether the familiar Jingxuan-gege, or the formal and distant “you”, it will just be uncomfortable.

He looked back at her coldly. If she thought that the candy symbolizes them going back to the way it was before, the he would definitely tell her the truth: He never had the slightest good impression of her! Not in the past. Not today. And never in the future.

But she only looked at him and bitterly smiled. That kind of smile again! It made his chest ache inexplicably.

“Jingxuan-gege, you don’t have to feel guilty.” Instead, she seems to be comforting him. “Everything I encountered is due to my own actions and is my responsibility. Instead, I am grateful for the two years that I stayed in the cold palace. I was able to live more calmly. I knew I still owe the old woman some explanations.”

He was just silent.

“Jingxuan-gege, I haven’t had the chance to thank you… the property that my parents left—”

But he turned around again and left. He did not want to listen to what she is about to say.

Looking at his retreating back, she suddenly felt that bitter sorrow again. It is always like this. She… looking at his back.

This will be the last time that she will call him Jingxuan-gege.

She has said all that there was. From then on, they will become strangers. As they have never had any past, there shall be no future.

When they see each other again, she will call him Prince[7]… or just “you”.

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Notes:

[1] I literally retained the phrase 落井下石了 (luojingxiashile) in its literal sense because I love this idiom which means hitting a person who is already down. Because Jingxuan, instead of saving Mei Li by marrying her, even asked the emperor to increase her punishment and imprison her in the cold palace.

[2] Mei Li used the term 您 (nin) which is a more respectful way of saying “you”, it is basically the same character as the usual 你 (ni) which is the casual way of saying “you” but if you look closely, there is a 心 (xin) character inside of it which denotes that you put honesty and respect. I’m not sure if there is an english equivalent in the beauty of these terms, but as she used to address him as ni or jingxuan gege in the past, this is significant difference

[3] 粽子糖 (zongzi tang) is one of the oldest Chinese candies. It was named after the zongzi, glutinous rice snack eaten in celebration of the Dragon Boat Festival. But the candy is only zongzi-shaped and is made of maltose sugar, rose petals and pine nuts.

[4] Author actually wrote 南书房 but I think she meant 南書房 which are both pronounced as nanshufang or the Southern Study. It was an institution that held the highest policy-making power during Kangxi Emperor’s reign and officials posted to the Study is for the Emperor to have easy access to someone when he needs to immediately seek counsel or discussion.

[5] 黄连 (huanglian) or the Coptis chinesis. A bitter traditional chinese medicine

[6] I retained the original idiom 不信邪 (ta buxin xie) which means that she refused to give up and has blind determination, traditionally it can also be used when you refuse to believe in superstitions or some godly happenings

[7] 王爷 (wangye), his title

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T/N: Mei Li was so ready to let go, yet Jingxuan’s heart was clearly stirred. This piece really breaks my heart no matter how many rereads.

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