Chapter 35

Chapter 4 Eyelid (8)

***

The shelter was too far to walk, and the wasteland was not a place that would show mercy to someone who had fled without any preparation.

Kwaahaaa-

The sandstorm was as harsh to us as it was to everyone in the wasteland. It had been three days since we took refuge in a small cave nearby, unable to carry my mother through it.

The emergency rations we hastily brought had long run out, and it had been a long time since we had any water. I gave most of my share to my mother, but she often vomited, unable to swallow the food.

D-36 was a narcotic poison. If the injections were not administered periodically, it would take the life of the subject. It was the perfect kind of drug to control someone.

Both my mother and I were dying in that small cave in the wasteland.

On the fourth day, the fifth day, the sandstorm stopped, but I had no strength to carry my mother through the sinking wasteland.

“Te...acher... my... son...”

My mother’s voice, who hadn’t been able to open her eyes for days. Instinctively, I knew these were her last words. I had to be by her side. My legs wouldn’t move, so I crawled to her and lay down beside her. Her emaciated hand felt my face. She seemed to have regained consciousness, but she couldn’t see.

“My... son...”

“I’m sorry... If only I hadn’t gone to the dome...”

Swish-

My mother’s dry hand caressed my cheek, as if wiping away tears that wouldn’t come.

“It’s... not your fault...”

Just one sentence. With that one sentence, my parched body squeezed out tears. They met the hand of my mother, who had been waiting for me.

“Kwaah!”

Where did my dying mother get such strength from?

Tap, tap,

A hot, prickly liquid was dripping onto my lips. Before I could even realize what it was, my dried-up body was greedily absorbing it.

“Teacher. You must live. No matter what happens, no matter what you have to do, you must live. As long as you live, you can rise again. Do you understand?”

“Yes... Mom? What is this...!”

“Answer me!”

Thud!

More blood fell onto my face.

“I will live. No matter what happens! I will live!”

In the face of my mother’s fierce determination, I found myself nodding without realizing it.

Only then did a smile appear on my mother’s bloodied face.

“Yes. Live. Just live... live...”

Thud.

With those words, my mother collapsed into my arms, never to rise again. I held her in my arms until her body grew cold.

I should have died there. No matter what. I should have died there.

[But you... were a good boy who always listened to your mother...]

I waited for death. But the thirst quenched by my mother’s sacrifice only fueled a greater hunger. The pain of my stomach being torn apart. The thought of death gradually faded. Only hunger. Hunger filled my mind. The pain of hunger kept me from even sleeping.

Rational thought was impossible. Strange thoughts constantly swirled in my head.

‘You must live. No matter what happens. No matter what you have to do.’

My mother’s last words. And the drops of blood that fell onto my lips. No matter what you have to do. No matter what.

No matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter whatno matter what

What was I going to do? I remember that I wanted to answer ‘Yes’ to Eddy and Masa’s question.

Thud, crack, crunch!

The skin on my face tore, revealing dark red flesh. The infection that had stopped at my neck now spread to my jaw, mouth, and temples. Through my shattered consciousness, a sweet fragrance and a soft voice seeped in.

[Shhhh. Don’t be too sad. When you’re sad, I’m sad too. I’ll help you.]

‘Help... me?’

[Yes. Your father who died for you. Your mother who sacrificed everything. And the way you so easily forgot and replaced them. Isn’t that a burden too heavy to bear alone?]

It was heavy. Yes, it was too heavy. I couldn’t bear it in my right mind, so I wandered the wilderness, took drugs, and even mutilated my own body. Every time I felt pain, it seemed like I was paying for my sins. The habit of self-harm lasted for over a year.

[Yes. Being trapped in such a hateful self must have been so painful. Now, let it go. I’ll carry all the burdens for you.]

‘Carry... them?’

[Yes. Your sins, your memories, your pain. I’ll bear them all. You can forget everything and sleep peacefully.]

Rustle.

The last remnants of the teacher’s self shattered. The infection spread over his eyes, and now he could see nothing.

[Ah, this is what it feels like to see the world. To have a body. To be a complete entity. It’s truly... beautiful.]

The monster moved its new body. Despite its frail appearance, there must be a way to revive it. Even if he didn’t particularly care, he could always return to the host and ask for help...

[Hmm?]

This body was completely his. The infection that had spread to the tips of his hair proved it. But why. Why wouldn’t his arm move as he wished?

‘No...’

Creak, thud!

The monster’s right arm slowly moved, out of his control, slowly and painfully, upward.

‘I can’t... give that...’

The festering memories piled on top of the wounds, the self he had forced to rebuild, shattered, and a small piece inside began to shine. Something some call the essence of life. Others call it humanity. And still others, the soul.

The crystal of pain, carved from the extremes of life, held onto his last consciousness.

‘That sin... is mine...’

My body, my life. Even if he took everything, the sin was something I had to bear. The memory of the moment I betrayed humanity. The memory of trying to replace those who had sacrificed everything for me. That disgust. That pain. They were solely mine. The one who should carry the burden of that sin was me, the one who had to bear that memory.

The right hand covered half of his face and slowly began to tear it off.

[Wait, stop! Why won’t you give up? I feel what you feel! This... this pain is real! Your life will continue to be filled with pain! There’s no hope for you as long as you don’t forget that memory!]

Thud, creak!

His arm and legs twisted. Sensation returned to his limbs, and the pain of the infection tearing him from the inside returned. He felt a sense of ecstasy. Yes. This was right. I deserved to suffer.

Swish!

His half-crushed eyeball regenerated, and his vision returned. The monster’s voice was fading, and for some reason, he was sobbing.

“It’s okay. I’ve decided to live like this.”

I won’t forget. That day, that dedication. And the me who tried to discard all that dedication.

Sizzle, sss-

‘Don’t give up...’

‘That’s how... you live. Live... definitely...’

In the screen within his eyelids, the last memories of the two quietly surfaced.

Humans chase hope to live. But some broken and shattered souls sustain their lives by bearing their sins. They hold onto those sins like anchors, keeping their fragile souls from being extinguished by the storms of the world.