Chapter 45

"…After falling out with Hyde and leaving the organization, I traveled to various cities."

The hoarse voice echoed in the silent room.

Yoiyami's apartment on the outskirts of town was a bleak space with only a table, a chair, and an old, worn wooden bed.

The three chairs prepared there were so covered in dust that they had to be cleaned before anyone could sit on them.

There was a terrifying lack of any signs of life.

We were in that room, listening to Yoiyami's sporadic storytelling.

The reason we ended up listening to Yoiyami's story was that Desuko had asked us to.

The purpose of deliberately listening to the story was to determine whether Yoiyami could return to Anonymous.

Perhaps Desuko also wanted to tell us, Xiang and Roll, the story of someone who could no longer kill.

Or maybe she wanted to hear it herself.

In any case, I was also interested in why Yoiyami, who possessed power comparable to the boss and had undoubtedly killed many people, could no longer kill.

"…The first city I went to was Saint Seria."

Saint Seria, a major city where the headquarters of the Self-Defense Army is located.

It's the city beyond Mount Jeesa, where I was taken for my final training by Sigh.

"In Saint Seria…, even the organization's members wouldn't easily approach. I decided to live there quietly.

Fortunately…, I had more money than I could ever use."

Money earned from Anonymous missions, no doubt.

I also regularly receive sums of money that I can't spend. I still have a considerable amount saved up, so it's not surprising that Yoiyami had more than he could use. In fact, it accumulated on its own.

"…I lived in Saint Seria for a while.

Saint Seria, being the headquarters of the Self-Defense Army, was a peaceful city."

"Uh-huh."

Desuko nodded in agreement.

"Having lived in a world of 'killing'…, I was naturally overwhelmed by the gap.

I was absorbed by the light of the surface world. For someone who had lived in the darkness of the underground world, it was too blinding, and I couldn't resist."

The gap… between peace and 'killing.'

I should know this.

No…, I should have known.

When I came to this world, I didn't feel a clear gap.

I didn't have the luxury.

So, like Yoiyami, I skipped over what I should have felt.

I clung to life.

I stopped all my thoughts for my own sake and might never be able to regain that something.

Thinking about it makes me feel a little sad.

"I regretted it. I, who had killed too many people, could only continue to live by killing more."

"Why did you kill people, Yoiyami…?"

I couldn't help but ask such a question.

Roll's gaze turned toward me, while Desuko kept her eyes on Yoiyami.

"The reason for killing…?"

"Yes."

"There are many people who kill because they belong to Anonymous.

The members of the organization… only kill on missions."

…Indeed. As long as you belong to the organization Anonymous, killing is almost mandatory.

But I didn't want to hear the 'reason' that you kill because it's a mission. I wanted to hear something more fundamental.

Maybe I asked the wrong question.

I should have asked why he joined Anonymous.

"Not all, but that's the case for most."

Desuko added.

"…That's right.

Most members, except for the lower ranks, were brought in by Hyde. People who were lost on the streets or had lost their way in life.

Those who were cornered and had no allies unless I became one… Hyde picks up such people."

Silence fell.

"I was like that too."

Roll said softly.

I was the same. Sigh was apparently the same, and I heard that Kuroken was the same.

"The existence of Anonymous had a purpose in such aspects.

There are many people who can't live without the organization. That alone is enough reason for its existence.

So, for me, who was there from the beginning of the organization, 'killing' was a job to protect my value, and I didn't need any other meaning."

"…I see."

Yoiyami, who seemed to have trouble speaking, spoke in a broken manner.

The timing of his pauses was odd, and sometimes the intervals between words were unusually long.

But each time, it felt like he was giving me time to think, and his words carried weight.

"If killing is necessary for survival, it's not evil.

It's just an instinct. …Like killing a pig for food."

Those words seemed to affirm me.

"But it's not good for the one being killed. Is it the same as a pig?"

As she said this, Desuko rested her elbow on the table.

"…Saying that they were born to be killed is an exaggeration. But it's similar."

Silence fell again.

Desuko alone seemed unconvinced by Yoiyami's words.

"Do you have a purpose for living, Yoiyami?"

"…Is that a question of why I'm living?"

I thought a roundabout way of asking would get through, but I got a direct answer.

"…To put it simply, yes."

"Ah… I wonder why I'm living…"

So, Yoiyami didn't have a specific goal he wanted to achieve in life.

I don't have a goal I want to achieve in life either. I just don't want to die.

Yet, I'm living by killing people who might have dreams.

I never thought I'd be thinking about such things.

But Yoiyami's words are too heavy for me. I can't help but think.

"Roll? Do you have any dreams?"

"…No."

The way she said it was harsh, but Roll is just living, too.

People can live without a purpose.

But what's the point of living by killing people? It's too late to think about this now, but if I'm just living because I don't want to die, what am I doing by killing people?

Guilt? No.

I feel like having a purpose would be better.

"…What about you, Desuko?"

"I do."

Desuko has a purpose.

Despite her usual frivolous behavior.

"…Is there even such a thing as good and evil in killing? If there is, who decided it?"

Roll suddenly said this.

Roll has lived in this organization since childhood.

Roll is the same as Yoiyami. She has lived by killing people, so she can't understand that killing is a clear evil.

She knows that killing is wrong legally and morally.

But she might not understand it on a deeper level.

Or understanding it would negate herself.

"Everyone decided it. They decided that killing is evil because they don't want to be killed."

"Killing can also be good.

Anyway, let's get back to the story. I want to know why Yoiyami can no longer kill."

"Ah, I got off track."

"I'm sorry."

I apologized for derailing the conversation.

"Where did we leave off?"

"At the part where you regretted it."

"Right.

I regretted leaving the organization. Many people tried to stop me, but I couldn't change my mind."

"…You seem to have a misunderstanding. I don't hate Hyde. In fact, I still consider him a partner."

"Then why don't you make up and come back? What was the reason for the fight?"

"The reason for the fight… I've forgotten."

Forgotten?

It's a story from five years ago, and if it was a big fight, it shouldn't be forgotten.

"You're not going to tell us, are you? Neither Hyde nor Yoiyami."

Ah, you just won't tell us.

"Read my mind."

"I can't. Both Hyde and Yoiyami have buried it too deep."

Something happened between Yoiyami and the boss.

That was the reason for the fight. If Desuko can't read it, it must be a reason they can't tell others.

"Anyway, after leaving the organization, I lived for a while in the warm water you mentioned."

Yoiyami looked at Desuko and said.

"I didn't kill at all.

But one day, I received a request. A request to kill.

It was four years ago, I think—"