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Chapter 1 of 45

Chapter 1

15 min read3,760 wordsMature

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The flickering of stage lights, the smooth jazz played by talented pianists, double bassists, and drummers; the combo filled the ballroom’s sensual air. Sultry gazes travel down the shadow of the young singer, slowly and drunkenly trailing down her face, neck, back, hips, thighs, and finally stopping at her ankles, repeating over and over again… Lustful fantasies ensue across the room, colliding with one another as the beat went on seductively and further enhancing as they reach the crowd. Disguised in suits, pairs of emptied souls sway their fatigued torsos along with the beat in ecstasy, their daytime alter egos long forgotten and lost, wasting the night away to fulfil their only desire—a slow waltz.8964 copyright protection578PENANAJOcliASYd6 維尼

One, two, three...8964 copyright protection578PENANAf7HOvvdvYW 維尼

One, two, three...8964 copyright protection578PENANA7BNlmKqgw5 維尼

‘Who are you?’ You ask me, the strong, tangy scent of liquor seeping out from your mouth. That’s the vodka the manager spent a fortune on last month, I think to myself.8964 copyright protection578PENANAlbfSqqIQK5 維尼

‘I am “me”’, I replied. It’s the best answer my hazy mind can come up with after a few drinks, not wanting to make a fool out of myself. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAm7PEDhHp0H 維尼

You snicker, telling me that I’m cute, yet at the same time suggesting my answer should be ‘Red Cherry’.8964 copyright protection578PENANAn2BQHz3SpP 維尼

‘Am I wrong though?’ Gazing at your ivory white suit, I puff up my cheeks, frustrated. ‘Red Cherry’ is my alias given by my manager. However, I despise the name from the bottom of my heart. I detest the colour red, as well as escaping. [Note: 桃 (Cherry) and 逃 (Escaping) are homophones in Chinese.]8964 copyright protection578PENANA3jW7dlr4cZ 維尼

‘No, but it doesn’t mean anything.’ You gently lift up my chin, as if wanting a kitten to lift its head up. How reckless.8964 copyright protection578PENANAm5YE5GQsBo 維尼

I turn my face sideways, flushed with feigned anger, trying to escape from your tease.8964 copyright protection578PENANAMvbfkgLLTD 維尼

‘If “me” doesn’t mean anything, are you saying that “Red Cherry” has more meaning to it?’ 8964 copyright protection578PENANA6eOpAVJw1N 維尼

Puzzled and with my head throbbing in pain from the migraine, I force myself to put down my glass of wine and lie back onto the black leather chair. I narrow my eyes, trying to grasp the twinkle gleaming from the chandelier. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAyJRsHmelk3 維尼

‘Of course! “Red Cherry” can earn a living, which makes end meet, which then allows you to reflect whether being “you” truly has any meaning. If “you” can’t make a living, then there is no reason in being “yourself”, right?’ At the heat of the moment, you flash me a childish grin, resembling a toddler’s demeanour. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAw2I2jzum8S 維尼

Losing all manners and kneeling down, you put your head between my thighs, gently grinding against my black silk dress while playfully pouting and saying, ‘Let me rest for a while. I’ll tell you tonight what being “Red Cherry” means!’8964 copyright protection578PENANAZlPi3SbSv0 維尼

“Okay. I’ll wait for you.” I lower my head, smiling shyly at your way with words. Your pearly whites actually looked gorgeous, faintly gleaming across the room.8964 copyright protection578PENANAvrT8iYWyDj 維尼

You and I lie on the bed naked, melting into each other’s company, interconnected and becoming one.8964 copyright protection578PENANADtRWR6tQmF 維尼

You push me down with your hips, lightly blowing at my earlobe and asking, ‘Do you get it now?’8964 copyright protection578PENANA8dNvYi0Jh8 維尼

I cannot fathom out whether it was deliberate or not; you put a spell on me right after asking. I let out soft moans, suffocating my words.8964 copyright protection578PENANA2aRuCFWOVT 維尼

‘Then think about it again!’ You are honey mixed with poison, giving me not only bliss, but also pain.8964 copyright protection578PENANAdMZfPES78G 維尼

I fail to understand my attraction towards you, as well as my obsession with ‘me’. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAAd93ZdpxEO 維尼

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Such obsession had its seeds planted and blossomed back in my younger days. Saving the nation and our people had once been the sole reason for surviving, which was also the only common interest we shared.8964 copyright protection578PENANAVYEg9zqWqh 維尼

On that day, in response to the news about the war, you clenched your teeth in anger, the fury deep within your heart ignited all at once. You swore you would wreak havoc in the invader’s territory and cause bloodshed among the enemy. I admired your resolve, to which I made an untactful suggestion. ‘Of course! We’re gonna drive them away and urge them to give us an apology and compensation, but we mustn't kill them all!’8964 copyright protection578PENANAuwBkr3gr9T 維尼

My words kindled the flames of wrath burning your heart. Intoxicated by your impetuosity, you gave me a slap on the face as a fierce reminder of our situation, bellowing, ‘Are you actually gonna wait for them to kill you?!’8964 copyright protection578PENANApvvXoZksbO 維尼

Among your words, I saw a vague hint of fear masked out by hatred, emotions triumphantly conquering rational thoughts.8964 copyright protection578PENANAmVfOVG3MY8 維尼

‘As if we can kill them all! Look, they also want to annihilate us, but here we are, still alive and kicking. Same goes for them as well!’ With my face still stinging from the burning sensation of your brutal reminder, I frantically held back my tears, saying, ‘Whatever we had thought about, so would they!’8964 copyright protection578PENANAwdJvq7Yypk 維尼

‘We and they don't mix!’ Your tone slightly weakened, as I witnessed the fire in your eyes faltering. You ended up forcing all negativity on the newspaper and muttered, ‘Neither do we…’8964 copyright protection578PENANAVh4eZjDkVH 維尼

After being torn into smithereens, the newspaper was tossed up into the air and finally scattered onto the floor. Mirroring the floral pattern on my black dress, it revealed a sense of misery. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAq8WafUTGti 維尼

With all the distress finally forced out of your system, you lay on the bed, eyes closed. I felt sleepless as well, as I lay sideways with my back turned on you while staring at the calico pattern on my dress. Elegance was encapsulated by the black colour of my dress, with a sense of silence hidden beneath the fabric. Its top was embellished with bits and pieces of scattered petals, white with a faint hint of crimson. They reminded me of eyes ablaze with wrath, as well as blood lacking vitality.8964 copyright protection578PENANAytOtiRPVem 維尼

Before dawn the next day, the sky was as white as a fish belly, which was revolting. Awoken by hurried knocks at the door, I hastily put on some clothes and answered the door. You stood behind the door, anxiety written all over your face. Chaos had erupted in the main avenue, and backup support was needed.8964 copyright protection578PENANAogrR9s9XQS 維尼

Sleepily, I rubbed my eyes and followed you, my mind still dazed. Along the way, we crossed paths with schoolmates as we marched towards the crowd hastily. Sharing the same solemn look, hairstyle and fashion, we were one, our youthfulness burning with passion.8964 copyright protection578PENANAbgDJlroKz0 維尼

As we chanted our slogan and raised our flag high, we made our way to the main avenue. 8964 copyright protection578PENANA0BOGyuPBAd 維尼

A voice emerged out from the crowd, hoarse yet filled with zeal. I couldn't make out what was said, and neither did the others, I thought. Despite this, as the influence of the atmosphere grew larger, our hearts swole with more and more zest. Meanwhile, passerbys shot each other annoyed looks.8964 copyright protection578PENANAGisATC2SvD 維尼

At this moment, the veins on your forehead angrily bulged and your bloodshot eyes opened wide from rage. Your murderous gaze was filled with hostility as you shot daggers at bystanders not belonging to our crowd. Hideous faces were all you see, as you turn a blind eye to the guns they held.8964 copyright protection578PENANAG1PGdZf7NI 維尼

As gunshots abound, our faction was broken up, impelling us to dart towards a narrow alley. The distance of a hundred steps had become my worst nightmare. When all hell broke loose, I was hit by something solid, forming a pool of blood forming next to me. 8964 copyright protection578PENANARGnlruU2G9 維尼

Seconds later, you wrapped your arms around me, desperately dragging me away from the mayhem. As gushes of blood flowed out from my wound, I felt betrayed by my own body. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAD9Hm6xwkeG 維尼

‘Run!’ I demanded my legs, but they would not listen. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAmrMgb7yklx 維尼

For the first time, I felt my consciousness and flesh ripped apart from each other.8964 copyright protection578PENANAZIDZ2hLwx1 維尼

Is my consciousness ‘me’ after this? Is my body also ‘me’? Is ‘me’ being ‘me’ only true when I'm whole? If I lose my limbs, am I still ‘me’ after all? If I change my mind, am I still ‘me’? Am I currently ‘me’?8964 copyright protection578PENANAVvjXsGZgIZ 維尼

With endless questions swirling in my consciousness, my weary body plunged into the darkness, followed by shades of red creeping behind me.8964 copyright protection578PENANA8ZRRT5Uu3X 維尼

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Impaled by beams of argent moonlight, the thin fabric of the curtains only serves as an imaginary psychological barrier. Blocking only little light, it simply deceives the weak-minded. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAt67WAdo1dT 維尼

‘What are you thinking?’ Your cheeks approach my bare neck, itching as your breath presses against it. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAkKbq96ma1y 維尼

‘Have you found its meaning yet?’8964 copyright protection578PENANAHJlE3GU7pY 維尼

I turn away without replying, allowing you to bury your face deep between my bosoms.8964 copyright protection578PENANAjk6uAV8Ne6 維尼

‘Why must we suffer like this?’ You raise your face to the corner of my eyes, kissing away my bitter tears. Why not simply accept my answer?’ 8964 copyright protection578PENANAKw7kbsXHYN 維尼

‘That’s your answer, not mine.’ I love you dearly, which is why I refuse to turn myself into you. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAF4tZ8BmlwB 維尼

You roll your eyes as they twinkle with playfulness. ‘The real answer has been lying deep within your heart all this time. If you really don’t know the answer, why would you know the difference between my answer and yours?’ You ask rhetorically, wanting to win me over. 8964 copyright protection578PENANA2B9yvi7p8K 維尼

‘It’s a cheap trick. You’re affirming my answer by denying yours. I smile wryly, my fingertips teasing your earlobe. ‘If you’re not with me, then I can’t find the answer, can I?’ 8964 copyright protection578PENANAFYKF14BBB5 維尼

‘Why would I not be with you?’ You kiss me, making me feel alive. ‘I’ve been with you all these years.’8964 copyright protection578PENANAh0ibMc8PZQ 維尼

Ten years. When everyone had left me behind in one way or another, you were the only one who stayed with me. Together, we went from hot-blooded students to sacrifices for the prosperity of society.8964 copyright protection578PENANArTKKSWqVua 維尼

You begin to quote the famous line from A Tale of Two Cities, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way…”8964 copyright protection578PENANAZDPaJWbAZC 維尼

Without us plebeians, their nobility would not exist. Their nobility was raised by us peasants. Yet, ironically, our lowly status was more worthy than their nobility, and their nobility was more despicable than our lowly status.8964 copyright protection578PENANAtYbREc2QcQ 維尼

You suddenly flipped over the blanket, giving me a hand up. Holding my hand and putting yours gently on my back, we slowly danced together in the dark room, with beams of moonlight radiating off our skin. Lustrous, black hair was complemented with fair, milky skin. Dark pupils met each other, as well as the whites of our eyes. 8964 copyright protection578PENANANrXJYvQ4yg 維尼

‘Can I experience “me” through “you” ?’ I nestle myself against your sturdy chest. 8964 copyright protection578PENANA8VETHCJM9z 維尼

Without opening your mouth, your heartbeat silently gave me the answer.8964 copyright protection578PENANADC8QtALKb6 維尼

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Peace finally returns after weariness dreaded the world. You are already fast asleep. I look up at the argent moon, with my mind echoing with your words earlier. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAlb71nYhVIi 維尼

Is it really the truth that the reason I can’t find ‘me’, is because I didn’t try to experience ‘me’ through ‘you’? 8964 copyright protection578PENANAnXdZxc3PDA 維尼

If ‘I’ truly exist, why would I need ‘you’ to experience “me” ? 8964 copyright protection578PENANAAvZJQYBTZm 維尼

Unless we become one, without you, I would not exist. 8964 copyright protection578PENANA3wtM6bvSP0 維尼

Yes. If it weren’t for you that day, I wouldn’t have existed since then. 8964 copyright protection578PENANANJOyrxOd8f 維尼

All these years, yet I still cannot comprehend why you saved me. Why didn’t you leave me behind and run for your life? Nobody would have blamed you under those circumstances. Who doesn’t want to see every sunrise and sunset with their loved ones? Who doesn’t want to engage in small talk with their family? Who doesn’t want to have fun with their friends? Each individual’s life has different episodes and emotions, all of which are founded on relationships. Is this what you mean by ‘experiencing “me” through “you”’ ?8964 copyright protection578PENANAyWAqJ7fx2g 維尼

The moon hides itself as dawn approaches. Basking in the dim, natural light, black and white become indistinguishable. Failing to achieve a balance, they ultimately form tints of grey. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAtGYphYlbNi 維尼

You have to get up and go to work soon. I prepare towels and tepid water for you to freshen up, along with congee and pastries to sate your early appetite. After enjoying your breakfast, you slick up your short hair, all nicely dressed up, and head off to work. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAEOjRDxWZjB 維尼

‘You have a lovely smile today.’ Before setting off, you turn around and ask me, grinningly, ‘Have you figured something out?’8964 copyright protection578PENANAnADFIji67c 維尼

I nod and smile.8964 copyright protection578PENANAX6fk498tT9 維尼

‘Wanna go out with me for a while?’ You sound relaxed. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAesUpU4dOJt 維尼

‘Aren’t you scared?’ I fear that others will ridicule you for being with me.8964 copyright protection578PENANAbi5JHaag1h 維尼

‘Who would be afraid of going out with yourself?’ You seem to have captured my mind.8964 copyright protection578PENANAHZLvPrb3wB 維尼

We stroll on the streets as we watch the first glimpse of the morning sun gradually melting away the snow. Tiny snowflakes drift down onto our garments, creating a spitting image of a bride’s wedding dress, pure and graceful. With the corner of your mouth tugged upwards, you turn a blind eye to people’s strange looks. You put your arm around mine. Such a small manoeuver, yet the hole in my heart has finally been filled. 8964 copyright protection578PENANA3bixaIzoLy 維尼

I cannot live under the sun. I belong to the darkness, showing my most alluring side only under the mellow lights in the nightclub. No matter how perfect pretty young girls are, nobody can compare with your bride’s beauty.8964 copyright protection578PENANAqjm5eXCNY9 維尼

I dream of myself in a white wedding dress, with my veil and gloves, along with a bouquet of red roses in my hand. In your white shirt tucked tightly beneath your black tuxedo, you wrap your arm around mine while accepting people’s blessings for us. With your top hat held high, complemented with your black bowtie and white gloves, we finish the dignified and sacred ceremony...8964 copyright protection578PENANAQm4Do98MUg 維尼

Your family despised me, saying that I will never be qualified to be your wife. Nonetheless, you left your family behind without demur, running off with me and starting our life together in a small rented room, finding jobs to earn a living. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAVldxbA90eX 維尼

‘Go find another job, leave the nightclub.’ You don’t like it when other people are ogling at and flirting with your lover.8964 copyright protection578PENANA2FZg1xwaVH 維尼

‘The migraine in my head makes my mind fuzzy, which means that I can’t do “normal” jobs, not even a nightman!’ I laugh to soften the sore feeling of my exposed scars. ‘Poetry is all I can speak of…’8964 copyright protection578PENANAF6itGdlkeg 維尼

Tears swirled around the brim of your eyes as you remained speechless. You knew my situation better than anyone else.8964 copyright protection578PENANA84MYtvcFKA 維尼

‘It’s fine really!’ I can’t change reality itself, so I can only change my view on our reality. ‘Didn’t our relationship start because of our dream of saving our country? Is there anything greater than that?’8964 copyright protection578PENANAHp7XtqhYYM 維尼

‘The most poetic thing is loving you!’ A smile broke across your tear-filled face. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAnDa7b1I5B5 維尼

Being ‘poetic’ is just a nice disguise for being ‘irrelevant’. Our dream of saving our country is a collection of verses filled with ardour, while love is a great artwork completed by romance. On the tip of my tongue, in the corner of my eyes, they appear to be charming and enchanting. Nevertheless, they aren’t realistic, and there is no right way to go to reach the perfect state. 8964 copyright protection578PENANA8c4Sc2J3HV 維尼

Folk songs praising the scenery in my hometown, happy wedding pictures put up on the showcases of the photo studios… these all seem so real yet far away. Your face is the most realistic thing in the world. Ten years, yet the child in you has not changed. You are still who you were before, loving me the most.8964 copyright protection578PENANA1jqlB8BfVu 維尼

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‘Will you still love me after ten years, when my youth fades away?’ I am your average Jane, scared of change, scared of aging, and scared of death.8964 copyright protection578PENANAjF6ZAQZnqK 維尼

‘I will always love you, as long as you need my love.’ Your cheesy words warm my heart. The current you appears to be cuter, as you love to joke around more and know when to comfort me. During our schooldays, you were hot-tempered and impulsive, like a raging bull ready to charge at anyone.8964 copyright protection578PENANA324VHqOCZf 維尼

‘When have you become such a sweet talker?’ I ask teasingly. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAZJMCXkdiyY 維尼

You lower your head, looking at me, with your pale, expressionless face. Just as you blink, an inferno appears behind you, and thick, black smoke comes out of the dry woods surrounding you. Your skin turns black and melts violently. A savory aroma from your body fat thickens the air, while your bones remain flawless and pure. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAOSar6Txh2q 維尼

Your family picks up your ashes, puts them into a small jar, and leaves. Immediately after, I creep out from my hiding spot, picking up the remains of your neglected ashes. I envy the dry woods mingling with you, both of which have become inseparable.8964 copyright protection578PENANAdjFhun8OP1 維尼

I swallow you down.8964 copyright protection578PENANAP6oNypaxTy 維尼

I will digest you, I will keep you as mine. You will be staying inside my dark insides from now on, until the end of time.8964 copyright protection578PENANAG37qMQh0ZZ 維尼

The scorching smell spurts up to my brain from my throat, and my head is about to split out from the pain. I exert all of my energy on my former wound on the head, where cherry red blood is about to be spewed out, piercing my calluses. Its stickiness, its pulp-like structure make me anxious. You desperately carry me, dragging me to a narrow alley. My body betrays me once more. ‘Run!’ I demand my legs, but they refuse to listen. 8964 copyright protection578PENANACsbR1Iyay5 維尼

I look up at you, noticing a hole blown open on your head as well. Crimson blood trickles down your face, spraying over your eyes, and finally dripping into my eyes. You did not let go of me, desperately carrying me up, dragging me to that narrow alley. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAyI3FOyqOjv 維尼

We collapse together, face to face, looking at each other. In fact, doubt clouds my thoughts of whether you are really looking at me. Or perhaps, you’re simply opening your eyes. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAu0ywAamZhC 維尼

Completely lacking energy, I close my eyes. So do you, I guess. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAGws8fjUQQJ 維尼

Finally, I plummet into the darkness, tinged with shades of dark crimson. 8964 copyright protection578PENANArTHFx6Dyqm 維尼

When I regain consciousness, everything has turned white. White heaps of cloth, white pieces of garment, and faces deathly pale. Note offerings and melted candle wax, bleak and suffering from being white. From this point on, you have already become a synonym of ‘white’. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAGGGk4M9phA 維尼

Standing in the boundless field of snow, I naturally think of you. People passing by me are all wearing white clothes, and strangely enough, they all have your face. It’s your face. Your face. Your face. You are everywhere! What a wonderful moment! I laugh heartily, walking up to every one of you and examining every face of yours. 8964 copyright protection578PENANArpnT27MkD5 維尼

Some scream in fear, while some run away. Some push me away with disgust, while some reach out their arms, their fingertips circling my breasts. Some haul me into the narrow alleyway and beat me up, reducing me into a pulp. Every possession I have has been robbed and my clothes are torn open. And now, I have been buried under the snow stark naked, which has been spotted with pools of red. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAfOSCZf5xUl 維尼

I detest this shade of red, but I cannot deny its familiarity. Red was the colour of your fiery eyes, and the colour of my wound. Red was the colour of our dream of saving our country, expressed by verses filled with ardour. Red was the colour of Romance’s greatest artwork. Red was the colour of your family’s cold remarks about me. Red was the colour of the empty rice tank next to my stove. In the ballroom, under the glistening chandelier, radiant beams glow on the black leather chair. The one in a black dress had been pushed down by a stranger in a white suit, and crimson red kept on flowing for ten years intermittently...8964 copyright protection578PENANA9b736ttIVe 維尼

Because of the colour red, black and white were able to fuse together. Every day and every night, every month and every year. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAiBfjMqjBCj 維尼

Every year and every month, every night and every day. Black and white were able to separate from each other, because of the colour red. 8964 copyright protection578PENANAXYtd8iafO1 維尼

The scorching heat of redness melts white away, leaving black behind. Alas, black remains silent, alone for all eternity.8964 copyright protection578PENANAML2RvecD0R 維尼

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