Chapter 39

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No Plagiarism!yNYtcBQh3f7jcDnAtfpuposted on PＥNAＮＡ ‘I will remember these words for the rest of my life.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡCR30gjKcbb 維尼

These words spilled out of my mouth twenty years ago. After saying so, I left home, without even turning my head back.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wC8zK6NPg 維尼

I was now in a café somewhere on Hong Kong Island. Light-brown wooden bricks were complemented with wooden-patterned plastic chairs and tables. Besides warm lighting and white walls, the place was decorated with small pots of plants and light-green cushions. The cleanliness and warmth of the café fitted my younger sister’s ideal concept of ‘home’ perfectly.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPXF4hCxah 維尼

Both of us grew up in an era where Japanese culture was all the rage. It was hard not to have a soft spot for the Japanese style. Yet, that still didn’t save me from gagging at the cheesecake in front of me internally: the artificial taste and aroma of cheese, a chemically-induced sweetness that was tooth-rotting, and the shrivelled texture was like burnt soil. How could a slice of cheesecake be so revolting? 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0qNKzw9jr3 維尼

‘Do you not like it?’ My sister snapped coldly at me, without looking at me in the eye. She went on enjoying her slice of cheesecake and her cup of mocha. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡGs48Ah1SbE 維尼

‘Mhmm.’ I put down my fork and gave up on the cake that cost me fifty dollars. I secretly let out a sigh. What a waste of money. I’d rather spend the same amount of money to buy one fried rice with salted fish and chicken from a tea restaurant.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdJ3KKS0JB 維尼

‘This is the most famous cheesecake in this area.’ My sister didn’t approve of my taste.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSqjkPj2Jd 維尼

‘For being disgusting?’ I gave a cold laugh, which made the couple sitting next to us giggle.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJd9g3n2PR 維尼

My sister grew pale and ignored me, lowering her head to savour her afternoon tea.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJFG4l64H0 維尼

Unamused, I took out my phone to kill time, my eyes drifting across the messaging app while stealing glances at my sister across the table occasionally.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡZs3Z2dBoac 維尼

There was a sixty-centimetre-wide table between us, along with twenty years of emptiness. Before today, my sister was a twenty-three-year-old university graduate in my mind, full of innocence and only knew a few things about makeup. My impression of her vanished immediately the moment we met again. My one and only sister had become an ordinary office lady working in Central. With long, dark brown curls and heavy makeup, she was wearing a mint-coloured dress, along with a small, white cardigan, and three-inch heels.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCEyU9iAcf 維尼

There had been times when I had believed I would end up as an office lady dressed modestly, just like my sister now was.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7wEan3Mqg 維尼

My thoughts flew to a faraway place, until my sister put down her fork. ‘Let’s go.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYvkpuzyq8 維尼

We went to the hospital by taxi, inside which the suffocating silence appeared again. I took glimpses at my sister through the rear-view mirror. She rested her chin on her hand, seemingly daydreaming about the things outside. She also seemed to be observing me through the blurry reflection from the taxi’s glass windows.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHmLNbWq8w 維尼

‘You have to soften your words later at the hospital.’ My sister ‘commanded’ me.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpE3kjTV8P 維尼

‘I’ll try my best.’ I was a person who spoke their mind.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIVbRFLRCK 維尼

‘Can’t you be kind to Mum once? So as to let her “leave” at peace?’ She strengthened her tone.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSo5BJFhRP 維尼

‘That’s why I didn’t refuse! I said “I’ll try my best”!’ I tried to choke back my anger. ‘You know how unforgiving her words are! Don’t tell me that I have to blindly put up with her over-the-top demands!’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvQCe0q0iB 維尼

‘She changed since that day. She no longer spoke so hardly of people.’ My sister’s expression softened.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPcoZnmgPH 維尼

I didn’t argue back, and let silence bare its teeth at me.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2LgM7yVCo 維尼

Before we entered the ward, my sister took out a small paper bag and shoved it to me. ‘Here’s a gift for Mum. Tell her you bought it.’ Without waiting for my response, she had already opened the door and gone inside, not giving me a chance to turn her down.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡerRpu5H8c4 維尼

Lying on her bed, Mum had a neck brace, and her left leg was missing. Her body was stuck with tubes that were connected to a machine. A thermos bottle and plastic cups were placed on top of the side table. Next to the table was a grey chair. On it was her favourite dark-green jumper. Much to my surprise, the jumper still stood by her side loyally all these years. It was like her imagination of a perfect daughter.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKCL0BFKI8 維尼

‘For you.’ I handed the paper bag to Mum as told by my sister.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJbanRyW5S 維尼

Mum couldn’t move her head. Her eyelids blinked with great force, and tears welled up in her eyes strenuously. It took a lot of effort for her to focus and look at me clearly. Her eyes spilled tears and her lips quivered, yet not a word escaped from her mouth.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bU8NZM1zI 維尼

‘Say hi to Mum.’ My sister glared at me with anger, conveying her hatred towards my ruthlessness.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡg6nPcsuJwN 維尼

I had a brief idea of what Mum’s situation was. Yet, when I witnessed the real deed, I couldn’t react and stood blanky. Joy, anger, sorrow, fear, love, hatred, desire… All my emotions became one, and they were no longer separable, just like sand of different colours blended together. Every grain of sand had their own bright hue, but they had now turned into disarrayed signals, taking over every inch of my vision. So, I couldn’t make out what my thoughts really were.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡODjq3fIh1e 維尼

‘M… Mum…’ I stuttered out exhaustedly. I did this against my will, as I couldn’t find the place where I belong. At the same time though, I did this willingly. This was the last reunion, and I should try to end things not so badly, so as to repay her for bringing me up.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kMlJFhRuL 維尼

My sister waved at me, wanting me to come closer to Mum, so as to let her see the daughter she hadn’t met for so long.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡLMmE4nd1nK 維尼

A wave of resistance swept past me. I didn’t try to catch it and let it vanish. My limbs began to relax and I obediently followed my sister’s instructions by going closer to the bed. My sister asked me to give Mum water, and I did as I was told. She told me to drape Mum’s jumper over her shoulder. Yeah, fine… People who didn’t know the true story behind must have been mistaken by the ‘kind mother with her good daughters’ scene. They must have thought that the three of us shared a close relationship among ourselves.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡbssofhrJ2D 維尼

Mum couldn’t speak a word the entire time. Her throat was infected, and she couldn't consume solid food. She even lost the ability to speak.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JKxzDDvmt 維尼

I couldn’t deny that I was despicable. I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I imagined, if Mum had lost her ability to speak twenty years ago, would I still live with my family? Would I still be a good daughter who was obedient to everyone?8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6KWiLyq2Q 維尼

Two hours later, Mum was so tired that she fell asleep. My sister wanted me to leave the room and wait for her outside.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UrwmtruJ0 維尼

As I was about to step out, I bumped right into my aunt.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡpC2nVNpUbs 維尼

That bitch! My relationship with my family might not have ended up in shreds if it weren’t for her fanning the flames.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡApvjNprbH4 維尼

‘I knew you would come.’ Aunt struck an attitude as if she knew what was coming and examined me with a frosty look. ‘Strapped for cash?’ She took out a cheque and handed it to me. ‘Here’s your reward.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvAQbm4mAe 維尼

I didn’t take it right away, because I was trying to figure out what was going on in her mind.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDbL8xkX2L 維尼

Coincidentally, my sister came out from the ward and saw us in a stand-off, before she immediately came forth to explain, ‘I didn’t tell her about the cheque.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTnWhbO7uk 維尼

‘You mean… She’s not here for the money?’ Aunt slowly put her hand holding the cheque down.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUCuC47BZU 維尼

‘Mhmm.’ Aunt had come on too strong. Feeling pressured, my sister, who had been calm not long ago, nodded timidly. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgGN3eepzg 維尼

‘Then…’ Aunt had hesitated for a while, before she finally decided to voice out her doubts. ‘What did you come here for?’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡjtL3rH21sj 維尼

‘Sympathy and compassion for the elderly.’ I made a reason up, pretending to have a sense of fair play. In fact, I’d never thought about why I came here.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUEEhJUrs2 維尼

‘Very well. It’ll save me a good fortune.’ Aunt half-wittingly waved the cheque in front of me, like she was playing with a dog.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡKZjilS9BQc 維尼

‘If there isn’t anything else, I’ll leave first.’ I chose to restrain myself.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0Idn62hmU 維尼

There weren’t many people on the main road outside the hospital. Visitors, patients, people who have just recovered from long-term diseases, people having their end-of-life rally… Which type did I belong to? Probably the ‘half-dead’ type. My situation wasn’t a complete disaster but it wasn’t good either. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡYu9jVxwSMg 維尼

Was I short on money? Did my job go amiss? Did my husband and I not get along? Was there a generational gap between me and my children? All false.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFOtIR5fLk 維尼

It was just pure misery, as if I had lost something.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLUd4PdGnA 維尼

Every time I felt blissful, my memories would turn into mush, which would then stick onto the gaps of my heart.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqttD2vESi 維尼

‘Wait… for… me...’ My sister’s voice came through from behind.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVf9IseLvi 維尼

I pretended that I didn’t hear her and quickened my pace, hopefully to cast her away with her three-inch heels.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4xBW93eDT 維尼

‘Big Sis!’ To my surprise, my sister didn’t care about her manners and shrieked loudly, attracting attention from others.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8TyLtNSnh 維尼

My legs stopped on their own.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoH5odczwX 維尼

In less than ten seconds, she ran towards my side while panting like a bull. ‘Are… you… trying… to… kill… me?’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvTwexlGzZ 維尼

I stood there with a poker face. I wasn’t in the mood to play along. ‘The cheque. Whose idea was that?’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡPToWAVWISK 維尼

‘Mum’s.’ My sister couldn’t look me in the eyes. ‘She thought that you would refuse to come.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hRFkNrNrW 維尼

‘Do you two still think that I left home because of our poverty?’ I didn’t want to bring this up again. But I couldn’t help but to defend myself once more.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡFj7jZ0nPPl 維尼

‘We couldn’t think of other reasons.’ A sense of grief was hidden in her response.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MJHLXAoPE 維尼

‘I never thought that our family was poor.’ I flew off the handle and walked away. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡYbVbtZXGIq 維尼

My sister quickly tugged on my sleeves and changed the topic. ‘Are you interested in having dinner with me and Aunt? We will discuss how we’re going to settle with Mum’s inheritance.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGu9Pfymu1 維尼

‘No.’ I refused quickly without fooling around.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKTLtYyduk 維尼

‘It’s just one meal.’ She tried to have another go. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCxPOdVIp3 維尼

‘Nah.’ I gently shook her hand off. ‘You two divide the money between yourselves. You don’t need to tell me.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74thZhk50V 維尼

‘I’ll pass on the message to Aunt then.’ My sister clearly understood the ways of the world. She knew whom I was avoiding. ‘Can we have dinner together then? Just the two of us?’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBkZVQ9Wcd 維尼

Acknowledging that this was her last attempt at inviting me for dinner, I couldn’t find anything to say to turn her down and ended up following her to a café near the hospital. She ordered a slice of matcha-flavoured cake and a chocolate sorbet for me, which I heard were specialties of the house.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzl3m2Jn67 維尼

I took a bite.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVy97xhJSv 維尼

It was sickly sweet.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡWObmJbSMtP 維尼

‘Do you not like desserts anymore?’ My sister could tell something was wrong from my face.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvDhcVBEp4 維尼

I nodded without thinking, before suddenly remembering that I used to have a sweet tooth, and I was a complete sucker for delicately-made desserts in coffee shops.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhTHiG3yBJ 維尼

‘I’m still stuck with my impression of you twenty years ago.’ I could see her reminiscing the past in her eyes. ‘You were my kind, timid, stupid Big Sis.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfIGWaUt66 維尼

‘I was never kind. But because I was afraid of offending people, I pretended to be kind. Neither was I timid. At least I had the guts to leave. I wasn’t stupid. At least I was capable of leaving home sooner than you did.’ I picked up my fork and gave the cake another bite. It was vile.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Segq9Rqfo 維尼

‘No wonder you left.’ My sister let out a fake laugh, her face twisted with bitterness. ‘We thought we understood you, but we didn’t understand why you’d actually leave us behind… ’ She jabbed at the cake over and over again, until it turned to mush.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dCfHX2XGk 維尼

‘Actually, I too didn’t understand you all. At least I didn’t even think that you’d bait me into visiting Mum.’ I smiled bitterly while shaking my head. ‘I get why they didn’t understand so.’ I only cared about my sister all along. ‘But you! You understood my situation much better than them! Don’t think that I didn’t know how much you wanted to leave as well!’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9K2pzNCGk 維尼

‘You’ve finally admitted that you knew what I had been thinking that time!’ Having struck up a sore subject by me, she threw her fork onto the plate. The clear, loud, metallic clink of the fork banging onto the china plate mirrored my words ramming into her heart.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFiMfiHzfx 維尼

‘Why didn’t you bring me with you? I waited day and night, hoping that you might get in touch with me and bring me with you. When I finally knew that you wouldn’t do so, I started to convince myself otherwise. I said that you had an accident, or led on by bad company, or you hadn’t settled down yet… I didn’t know what to do!8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡLXqL6erx9X 維尼

I have so many questions!8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡywARns6B52 維尼

I don’t understand what the hell you were thinking! I don’t understand what I am to you! I don’t understand why I had to make up excuses for you! I don’t understand why the person I trusted would abandon me! I wasn’t sure if I could support our family! Why was I the only one suffering when it was actually both our responsibility?’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡSS7lFsYzWp 維尼

‘Because you were the last straw to break me.’ Swimming through spiraling thoughts, I decided to make things short to shut her up.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3O9KKd2LQ 維尼

For a moment, my sister couldn’t answer back. She stared at me, apparently observing me and hopefully to find a hint of regret. Meanwhile, she seemed to be waiting for an apology from me.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dGl9UTImU 維尼

Too bad I didn’t plan on leaving any traces of myself in her life.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhaT4aDor5 維尼

‘Forget it.’ My sister decided to hide her true feelings to smooth things over. ‘We won’t see each other anyways. No hard feelings.’ If there were really no hard feelings, then she wouldn’t have listed out those countless, painful memories of hers.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxNTvOZ25R 維尼

‘Yeah.’ Feeling relieved, I smiled and put down my fork and stopped forcing myself to finish the cake on my plate.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnitjjk5UK 維尼

After our meal, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways from then on.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOv6CaDCmk 維尼

I glanced at my watch. It was ten something at night. There weren’t many people in the streets. Many Daddy-Long-Legs emerged from the amber glow of street lights shining on the pedestrians. The Daddy-Long-Legs in the classic story was a gentleman who had a perfect life, yet we were fragments of a whole. Here, there, and everywhere. We barely belonged to the same family.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPPemtq08K 維尼

Should I feel sorry for this? No.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7MI6TMhj9 維尼

Were there moments that I felt sorry? Yes.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡOie2uMUmOO 維尼

Would I still feel sorry? No.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFnDPq9mKT 維尼

I strode towards the train station.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoGKhn9Ph1 維尼

Slowly, slowly went my pace, as if it was twenty years long. I had made it through those long, drawn-out twenty years, taking one step at a time—during which I had stepped on the scars of my heart countless times. I thought that my soles would feel the void and imbalance of those scars. I thought that by lowering my head down, I would see the width and boundlessness of those scars. I thought that my scars would exist forever. Unbeknownst to me, time had already healed my scars. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡEw37ygJw1B 維尼

I didn’t deliberately skimmed through bad memories just now. Rather, no matter how hard I tried to remember what had happened, the details were all just a blur to me. The thing I could recall the most was the words I had said all those years before. 8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXSPD5wD4M 維尼

‘I will remember these words for the rest of my life.’8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡq39MFoKQP6 維尼

Years of stress and discontent were condensed into eleven simple words, which marked my lowest point.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡInRbZBVskM 維尼

Words left my mouth. The tension in me lost its support, and I gradually relaxed. As the years went by, memories started to fade away, one by one, from those that didn’t matter in the slightest to the ones that mattered the most. I had already forgotten who was the one that said those words which made me remember them for the rest of my life, as well as their context and content… Instead, the present in my own hands and the future I was looking forward to had taken their place.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4MzqroPLR 維尼

I stopped in my tracks and walked to a convenience store in another direction. I bought a can of cold beer.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgSXAmpL55 維尼

Why did I still remember the hatred so distinctively?8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡonwRxd690d 維尼

I knew the answer.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyM5XhERJf 維尼

It was like beer. Beer wasn’t a necessity, but I had gotten used to drinking beer when I was down.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡApSQEjb1y9 維尼

That hatred didn’t have to exist, but I had gotten used to its presence. I had gotten used to using it to describe the life I was leading before I left home. Over time, that hatred had become synonymous with those days. There existed only hatred during those days. No hope. No emotions. No interests. Let alone joy.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡI2W7SN7CfF 維尼

I finished the beer in one big gulp. The empty can of beer landed right into the bin.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQTOOS8zWc 維尼

How cool would it be to throw away my practice of holding grudges against others into the bin!8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡEplfCQl3ka 維尼

Never mind. Give me twenty one days. I will drop my bad habit.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡuO2miQ5ylL 維尼

I promise. I won’t drink alcohol anymore. Neither will I hold grudges anymore.8964 copyright protection281ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDOzNPvVvQ 維尼

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