Chapter 59

"‘The Open Ceremony’ will take place tomorrow. Still, Dean, for the preparations to be this good… Could it be that you anticipated our plan?"

The answer Dean gave was, with some minor discrepancies, largely close to what she had thought.

He knew about the church destruction incident and the course of events on her side, including the conflicts at the institute, because he had been involved in the administration of the territory. And the rumors he had heard here and there in the capital. Dean said that he had connected all these dots to come to his conclusion.

"…With that in mind, may I ask… Are you going to face tomorrow’s big challenge with that face?"

"With this face…?"

"You must be aware yourself. Your current face is very bad."

...To say it's bad is quite harsh. I inwardly resisted for a moment, but it was something I had already thought about myself. I couldn’t argue.

"The people here have noticed and are worried inside but choose not to say anything. But I will say it. When I heard about you from everyone and worked by your side… I had questions. When your engagement to the second prince was broken, when you worked tirelessly for the people, and even during this recent turmoil. You never shed a tear, never complained, and kept everything inside, moving forward. Why do you try to be so strong?"

"…Try to be strong… I have never once tried to be strong."

Not crying means being strong… Is that it? And now, thinking about it, "Aris"… or in this case, "I," has had a tumultuous fate.

"Is it because you detach yourself from your emotions?"

Stop. Don’t push me any further. I bit my lip for a moment, thinking this.

"…Showing tears won’t change anything."

The words that came out of my mouth were colder and more rigid than I had intended.

"…Showing tears won’t change anything… That’s true. But you can find a way to reconcile with yourself. To me… your state seems very precarious. And that is the face you have now."

I couldn’t take it anymore… The emotions I had been suppressing exploded.

"Then what should I do!? Cry and ask for help, and someone will help me? Cry and complain, and it will be solved? That’s not true…!"

It was a venting of frustration. But I couldn’t stop.

"I couldn’t stop and cry…! Even when it happened with Lord Ed… Yes, I was frustrated! I was so frustrated and hurt that I wanted to cry and scream!"

When Lord Ed broke the engagement… Even though the treatment cooled my love, I can’t say I had no feelings. I was also worried about the future, frustrated, and angry.

But if I cried and screamed, I would be disowned and confined. So, I couldn’t cry. Instead, I tried to use my inadequate mind to negotiate with my father.

Even after arriving in the territory, I was full of anxiety. Even with the memories of my previous life, I was just a mere employee. Politics was something new, and the uncertainty of whether I was doing the right thing always lingered.

"This time too…! Excommunication? What is that! Why do I have to accept such a declaration!"

Tears overflowed from my eyes.

"I am so frustrated. Why, why… It’s so painful, I want to run away. I want to cry out loud, ‘Why?’"

I placed my hand over my eyes to hide the tears, but they wouldn’t stop, spilling over my palm.

"And, I am so frustrated with my own inadequacy… Everyone around me, the people of the territory, have worked so hard to build this… and I, as an individual, am hindering it. I feel so sorry for myself, so ashamed… it’s painful."

The words came out in a jumble, driven by raw emotion. They kept surfacing, and I spoke impulsively.

"Should I cry and ask for help? If I said that, wouldn’t people think I should retire to avoid being a hindrance! But, I have already caused so much trouble for everyone. Even if I run away now, it won’t change anything. The fact that I am a sinner cannot be erased."

That’s right. Even if I cry and run away now, even if it doesn’t affect the duchy or the merchant guild, I don’t think everything will go back to normal. Excommunication is not something that can be taken lightly, and the fact cannot be erased. Unless it is overturned.

"I’m not trying to be strong, so I don’t cry… No, it’s because crying won’t change anything… I’m afraid that if I cry, people will get tired of me… So, I just don’t cry!"

I, who have caused so much trouble, if I cry now… I have already caused so much trouble, and if people get tired of me, what will I do?

Even if I think they are not like that, I can’t help but doubt. Maybe…

"I’m not strong. I just want to appear strong… But I can’t even do that. I am a pitiful person… That’s who I am…"

Then, I cried loudly. Probably for the first time since I and "I" merged. I let out the raw emotions inside me.

"…Your strength is beautiful. But don’t push yourself too hard because of that virtue… That is everyone’s consensus. It’s understandable that you hesitate to show your weaknesses, given your past and position… But your way of not showing your pain worries those who follow you… Don’t forget that."

Dean’s face, not in formal speech, was dead serious. It felt like being lectured by my father. But now, I understood the meaning of his words all too well.

For the first time… or rather, the first time I cried so loudly, I was so tired that I fell into a deep sleep. Dean offered to take over my work, so I gratefully rested.

…And the next day. Thanks to the intense crying, my eyes were still a bit red, but my face in the mirror looked much clearer.