Chapter 39

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At first, he liked their appearance; afterward, his soul was immersed.

The first glimpse of affection quickly lit up the hidden desires that Zuo Linyuan didn’t dare reveal, and he sank deeply into infatuation. He was infatuated with Zhang Sijia’s fingers as they held a pen while he studied, he was infatuated with Zhang Sijia’s frown as he pondered over his problems, and he was even more infatuated with Zhang Sijia’s almost naked body as he stepped out of the shower – he tried to hold himself back, but he couldn’t control his eyes. From the water dripping down the tips of his hair to his beautifully shaped collarbones, even that shallow indentation on his spine was extremely erotic to him.

The desires of the youth were greedy and mad. Ever since meeting Zhang Sijia, Zuo Linyuan couldn’t count how many times he had masturbated secretly in the shower to the thought of him, wanting desperately to push him onto the bed, rip apart his clothes, spread his legs and enter him, possess him, cover his refined face with overwhelming panic and the flush of shame, before sinking into lust, moaning in debauchery and enjoyment.

But the truth was, urged by the hidden yet feverish desire, Zuo Linyuan instead pulled away from Zhang Sijia. He never asked him to play basketball, never ate with him, and even always sat behind him in class, because that was the only way for him to look at him with abandon. His naked nape lured him; he tried his hardest to control himself to not touch, not kiss, not leave any mark at all. He couldn’t.

If nothing had happened, they would have maintained this mere roommate relationship until the end of their university years. Zhang Sijia would become that sliver of moonlight on the tip of his heart: bright and clear, yet distant and untouchable.

That time at the birthday party of a classmate, everyone became drunk and missed the dormitory curfew, so they ended up staying at the nearby hotel. Zuo Linyuan carried a drunken Zhang Sijia and opened the door to their room, then carefully placed Zhang Sijia on the bed.

Zhang Sijia was really easy to take care of when he was drunk. He neither made a fuss nor a mess, only curled upon the bed with a frown, muttering words that no one understood. It was actually a little bit cute.

Zuo Linyuan wiped his face with a warm towel; Zhang Sijia moaned in comfort and his furrowed brows relaxed.

With his face slightly flushed, his mouth exhaling a moan and defenceless, Zhang Sijia seemed to be luring Zuo Linyuan to sin. That uncontrollable desire to be close to him became stronger than ever under the catalysis of alcohol.

Zuo Linyuan squeezed the warm towel so tight that water started dripping down.

Just once, just a small kiss. Zhang Sijia wouldn’t know either way.

His fingers reached out to Zhang Sijia’s face without him realizing, the smooth and warm touch spreading to the bottom of his heart from the tips of his fingers. Zuo Linyuan finally couldn’t control the devil in his heart, leaned down, and kissed Zhang Sijia’s lips.

The moment their lips touched, it was as if an electric shock went through his body. He couldn’t help but bite down on Zhang Sijia’s lips in a demand for more warmth. All his rationality had been thrown away; he opened Zhang Sijia’s lips and felt his teeth with his tongue. Burning desire burned from his lips across his limbs, sinking him into the depth of hell.

Suddenly, Zhang Sijia’s lips moved as he opened his dazed eyes without warning.

Burning desire was immediately doused by cold water. Zuo Linyuan instantly straightened his back and could only watch as Zhang Sijia’s eyes slowly regained consciousness, not daring to move.

Zhang Sijia had not completely recovered, but he wasn’t that drunk either. He was conscious as Zuo Linyuan carried him to the room, and was even more awake after his face was wiped down by the warm towel, but alcohol slowed down his reactions and he was too lazy to move.

So when Zuo Linyuan kissed him, his brain was still floating in alcohol.

Zuo Linyuan kissed him? Should he say he wasn’t actually surprised? After discovering Zuo Linyuan’s secret, he had a feeling that this day would come.

One day, Zhang Sijia was stood up, and he returned unhappily to the dorms. There was no one in the room, but the sound of water came from the bathroom. The sky looked like it was about to rain soon so Zhang Sijia decided to take in the laundry from the balcony. As he passed the bathroom, the water stopped but the sound of muffled and rapid breathing came from behind the door. Of course, Zhang Sijia knew what the person was doing. It was practically impossible to not find your roommate jacking off in uni at least once or twice, but usually everyone still kept it down. The person in the bathroom today had probably assumed that there was no one here and showed no restraint whatsoever.

Zhang Sijia was a bit curious as to who it was, and he soon found out.

As Zuo Linyuan called out Zhang Sijia’s name with a deep and coarse voice, Zhang Sijia froze.

Separated by a wooden door, it was as if that rapid and burning pant landed on the back of his neck. Zhang Sijia stood frozen for several seconds and decided to leave immediately. He was extra careful as he left, even holding the lock with his keys as he silently closed the metal door of the dormitory room.

This accidental discovery completely changed Zhang Sijia’s impression of Zuo Linyuan. He had thought that this roommate of his was cold and unsympathetic by nature because for the past term, every girl who had tried to approach him for his appearance was left defeated by his unmoving face.

This wasn’t enough for Zhang Sijia to start doubting his sexuality, because he too was like this. He didn’t dislike members of the opposite sex, but he didn’t like them either; it was all very light. Even the subject of his sexual fantasies was blurred, with no fixed face to stand in. When boys of his age were restless from hormones, he felt like he was looking at a tribe of chimpanzees.

Although he would meet outstanding girls that he admired, this admiration would not develop into a desire to become lovers with her, not to mention the idea of throwing himself into a burning relationship and allowing another into his world. He didn’t think he was gay either, because he felt the same for men. He simply wished to be immersed in his own world.

This might be aromanticism, Zhang Sijia thought to himself. As long as it wasn’t impotence.

This strange personality allowed Zhang Sijia to quickly recover his cool after discovering his secret. Actually, it was more like he was never angry, only a little awkward and surprised, maybe a little bit smug. He didn’t dwell over whether normal people would find their roommate fapping to them disgusting. At most, he was a little more interested in Zuo Linyuan because of this.

He started to pay attention to Zuo Linyuan, and realized that Zuo Linyuan did treat him much differently than others. His cold and unsympathetic attitude was always toned down hugely when in front of Zhang Sijia.

Zhang Sijia was certain: Zuo Linyuan did like him, or at least held great affection for him, even though he didn’t know where this affection came from. He was good looking, but compared to Zuo Linyuan, anyone who wasn’t lying through their teeth would admit that Zuo Linyuan was better.

With Zuo Linyuan’s appearance, physique, and temperament, if he wanted to, men and women would flock to him without end. It was the 21st century, there was quite a few openly out people in the uni and having a boyfriend on the down low was no big deal at all.

But Zhang Sijia discovered that Zuo Linyuan was hiding this secret very deeply, almost putting it behind lock and key. If he hadn’t accidentally ran into his secret the other day, he would never have seen through his sexuality, let alone the fact that he had a crush on him.

Why? Zhang Sijia was confused. He couldn’t just ask Zuo Linyuan, but he couldn’t deduce anything more himself. Apart from his studies, he was also secretly investigating his brother’s disappearance twenty years ago, along with filing through all the disappearances of the past twenty years. He had no time and effort to be wasted here, so these questions were forgotten.

Until this drunken kiss.

When Zhang Siji realized someone was kissing him, he opened his eyes; it was an instinctive reaction that he didn’t process properly. In his drunken state, he wasn’t able to think clearly. If he had been sober, he would have pretended to not notice, and let this secret pass as that time before.

But since he already opened his eyes, there was no way for Zhang Sijia to keep pretending. He looked at Zuo Linyuan who was at a complete loss, felt his lips that were so ‘warmly welcomed’, and cut straight to the point. “Are you gay?”

Zuo Linyuan’s reaction at that moment as if struck by lightning confused Zhang Sijia even more. He wasn’t even angry, so why did Zuo Linyuan react even stronger than him?

Zuo Linyuan was quiet for a long time. He should say that he was drunk and didn’t see clearly, there were countless excuses to get out of this situation, but he couldn’t speak the lies that were on the tip of his tongue.

In the end, he still said those two words. “I am.”

He was prepared to accept everything. Whether it be vile language, severe punishment, or even malicious humiliation. He thought he should be treated like this; this stain made him so worthless as to deserve being stepped on.

So when Zhang Sijia spoke with awkwardness, he couldn’t believe his ears.

He said, “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. And you don’t need to keep hiding it like this, go find the right person for you. I’ll pretend nothing happened, I won’t say anything.”

Zuo Linyuan stood, dazed, for a long time. He could never have imagined that Zhang Sijia wouldn’t even say a word of reproach. This disbelief made him subconsciously ask, “Then are you?”

Zhang SIjia wanted to quickly deny it. That was the most correct, most direct answer that gave Zuo Linyuan the least hope. After this, they would return to their own paths and never cross again.

The effect of alcohol slowly faded from his brain. Zhang Sijia started thinking. His mind played back many images of the past: his parents showing him photos of his brother and his girlfriend, their earnest and unquestionable decisions when filling out uni preferences, his parents gifting him the ear stud that looked exactly like his brother’s for his coming of age, himself melting down as he hysterically vented to Zhang Jia in those moonlit dreams…

But why? Why do I have to be your replacement? Why do I have to be like you?

I was never the same as you.

This desperate desire to prove something added a different color to his previous pure kindness. Zhang Sijia fell silent for a long time, his dark eyes staring straight at Zuo Linyuan’s anxiety and whispered, “I don’t know.”

Yes, I don’t know.

That one “I don’t know” gave Zuo Linyuan infinite hope. After that day, Zuo Linyuan started to make covert signs of affection to him. Even though Zhang Sijia felt a little awkward, out of a strange mindset, he did not refuse outright. The two gradually walked closer, more intimate than friends, more distant than lovers.

This thin line of estrangement was everywhere. Like how Zhang Sijia hated when Zuo Linyuan called him ‘Sijia’, but would never bring it up. Every time Zuo Linyuan calls him that, he would shock awake from this dream and return to the cold and harsh reality. He reminded himself like this over and over again, forcing himself to live with a clear mind.

But Zuo Linyuan never knew this, and he didn’t want him to know, just like how he deliberately refrained from learning Zuo Linyuan’s past. He coldly drew a line between the two of them in his heart, and set themselves apart.

The turn of events happened in their second year. By then, Zhang Sijia had also revealed to Zuo Linyuan that he had a brother who had disappeared twenty years ago, and the two had investigated the matter together. It was late; the road was empty. Zhang Sijia was completely immersed in the topic and was unaware of his surroundings, such that he didn’t even realize the danger when a car came barreling down the road.

Walking next to him, Zuo Linyuan noticed much earlier than him and reacted much faster. Just as the car was about to hit Zhang Sijia, he pushed him away and ended up collapsed by the road, bleeding and unconscious.

The offending vehicle ran. On the empty road, Zhang Sijia frantically called for emergency services and spoke to the unconscious Zuo Linyuan in vain again and again.

On the way to the hospital, Zhang Sijia’s mind was blank. He held Zuo Linyuan’s hand tightly, fearing his heart would suddenly stop.

Thankfully, fate still looked after him. Zuo Linyuan’s intracranial hemorrhage was not very serious and only required a few days in hospital for observation. The wait for him to wake up was so long in that silent and long night. Zhang Sijia continued to hold Zuo Linyuan’s hand. That night, he thought a lot.

This person didn’t know Zhang Jia, he would never see him as a replacement for Zhang Jia, he only loved him only as himself.

He was loved, loved as everything he was.

That feeling of being loved could not be forgotten once it was tasted.

Dawn broke out. Zhang Sijia, who had been up all night, watched Zuo Linyuan wake up from his slumber.

So he let out a haggard but dazzling smile and said, “Zuo Linyuan, let’s go out.”

That day, the two of them got together.

But a relationship that was sparked by a moment of gratitude returned to its original state when that feeling gradually faded. Their relationship continued to be muted, more like friends than lovers. Even going to bed seemed more like purely for the sake of addressing physical needs, and they never did that final step. Zuo Linyuan would never force Zhang Sijia to do anything he didn’t want to, so they continued like this, tepid and subdued.

Until the end of a semester in second year uni, when Zuo Linyuan heard Zhang Sijia explode into an intense argument with his parents over the phone. He said, “Alright, since you want me to bring someone home for you to see, I’ll do it!”

After hanging up, Zhang Sijia stared deeply at Zuo Linyuan for a long time.

Those eyes were filled with stories.

“Come home with me this holiday,” Zhang Sijia said.

Zuo Linyuan faintly realized something, but in the end, he did not refuse. He said, “Alright.”

That winter, Zhang Sijia took Zuo Linyuan home, came out in front of his parents, and was immediately driven out of the house. Zuo Linyuan still remembered that dark stairwell where Zhang Sijia held his hand and walked down in the dark without turning back. From behind them came the sounds of a man and woman crying and scolding at the same time; he paid them no attention, bent on escaping.

The gentle torture immersed in poison of the past twenty years, the twisted puppeteering wrapped up in the name of love of the past twenty years, truly turned him into a pitiful bug. He bowed and knelt, wagged his tail and begged, trying to grab that little bit of pure love. But when he swallowed that sweet candy, he finally realized that it was a sacrifice for another.

Why didn’t you rebel? Zhang Sijia asked himself. Why didn’t you leave this family and start your own life?

He couldn’t let go, he couldn’t do it. Even this sliver of sanity, to rebel, was conceived after he was mature enough, rational enough. Before then, the thought had never crossed his mind. Because the people who tortured him, were his closest family who raised him, made him, then destroyed him. They loved him, but their love was more terrible than hate.

The fiercest rebellion of his life was bringing Zuo Linyuan to them and telling them that he was different from his brother.

It was such a pitiful and pathetic complaint.

But even then, he was already at the ends of his strength, about to suffocate.

When they left the building, the moon was already high above their heads.

Zhang Sijia let out a long breath, not a single shadow on his face. He smiled and said, “We can’t stay here tonight, let’s find a place outside.”

On that winter night with such cold moonlight, the two held hands on an empty road. In the sub-zero temperature, Zhang Sijia’s face was numb with the cold, but Zuo Linyuan’s hand was warm, the kind of warmth that was worth all of his emotions.

He felt he owed Zuo Linyuan too much; the guilt of not being able to repay him washed over his heart like the tide on a full moon, drowning him. He had to do something, to return this unreturnable favour, to make his despicable exploitation more decent.

They found a nearby hotel, opened a room, and prepared to sleep after showering as usual.

The light in the room was already switched off but the curtains were still open, allowing clear moonlight to spill into the room. Zhang Sijia lifted the covers and squeezed himself into Zuo Linyuan’s bed. Zuo Linyuan wasn’t asleep; under the moonlight, his eyes seemed to see through everything.

This calmness made Zhang Sijia even more nervous. He licked his lips and kissed Zuo Linyuan’s lips in the midst of his increasingly rapid heartbeat.

They kissed, more passionately than any other time. They both knew it was different to before, it was no longer a shallow trial but true sex. They explored each other’s bodies in the dark, the temperature across their skin seeming to burn their very souls. But it was warm, the warmth that attracted the lonely soul like a moth to a flame, flying recklessly into that dazzling light even if what followed that temporary pleasure was eternal silence.

“Let’s do it, I want you,” Zhang Sijia gasped in between their kisses.

Zuo Linyuan was still the same. He said, “Alright.”

The lustful imaginations of youth overlapped with reality, like a fantastical dream, like the shadow of bubbles. Two lonely and repressed souls approached each other with all their might as if that way, all the pains of reality could dissipate as they nestled together. There was no need to understand each other’s pasts and no need to keep questioning their own hearts. Just like this, let that brief residue of warmth on their skin defend them against the cold of winter.

And they depended on each other like that.

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