Chapter 1

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Hey all! I am so happy to introduce one of our new translators who has come along with us on meraki! PlumValley has brought us the first chapter of The First Half of My Life! Please enjoy her wonderful wonderful translating skillz and beautiful portrayal of this chapter, and also look out for her amazing translation project coming out this year! 🙂

Introduction:

The First Half of My Life (我的前半生) by Yi Shu was adapted into a drama by the name of The First Half of My Life, starring Jin Dong and Ma Yili which aired over the summer. To read more about the drama, please go here!

Chapter One

The alarm clock goes off, I open my eyes, gently pushing Juan Sheng lying next to me.

“Get up, there’s a meeting today in the hospital.”

Juan Sheng stretches out his hand to shut off the alarm.

I put on my robe, my feet are looking for the slippers on the bedside.

“Zi Jun,” Juan Sheng says.

“What is it?” I turn around and ask him.

“We need to talk.”

“Let’s talk in the afternoon. I need to go to see if Ping-er is up now.” I open the bedroom door to head out.

“Zi Jun, I have something to tell you,” Juan Sheng says. He sounds irritated.

“What do you want to say?” In bewilderment, I walk back and sit on his bedside.

Juan Sheng looks at me blankly. He was called to the hospital last night to do a surgery and didn’t get back until 2:30 this morning. Deprived of sleep, he seems a little tired, but he looks as handsome as ever. Men have the advantage of looking more distinguished as they approach their 40’s.

Softly I ask, “What do you want to talk about?”

He says with a sigh, “Wait until I get back in the afternoon then we can talk.”

I smile. I open the door and go to Ping-er’s room.

Ping-er, our eight-year-old boy, with his whole face buried in the pillow, is still sound asleep. His head is bigger than most kids his age, yet his temperament is comparatively less mature. While other kids already know so much, his head is just as muddled as Pangu’s genesis of the world (Pangu 盤古 is the creator of the world in Chinese mythology). All day long, he is glued to his comic books.

I try to shake him awake. Every morning I have to get him up for school. Luckily, I only have one son, otherwise it would take hours waking up all of them!

An-er, my twelve-year-old daughter, pokes her head around the door and says, “Mom, are you in there? I need you.”

She frowns as she sees her sleepy brother still lying in bed and says, “Mom, you are spoiling him. Just throw him into cold water next time he doesn’t want to get up.”

I laugh. His head bobbing around as I try to pull him out of the bed. He looks so cute. I can’t help but give him a big kiss on his face. Then I let our maid Ah-Ping take care of him.

An-er doesn’t like what she sees and says, “Mom, if you keep doing this, he will turn into a sissy later on.”

I stretch out lazily and say, “Well, wait until that really happens. What do you need me for?”

“My bra is getting tight.” An-er happily makes the announcement.

“Really?” In amazement I say to her, “I got you a new one just two months ago. Let me see.”

I follow her into her bedroom and ask her to take off her robe.

An-er’s breasts are really maturing fast. They seem to be in full blossom. I softly touch her bud with my finger.

“Ouch!” She says.

“Today after school, go to that same store and wait for me at the front door. I’ll get you a new bra.”

An-er changes into her school uniform and asks, “Mom, will I have a 38 inch chest?” Her voice fills with yearning.

I stare at her and say, “What do you need big boobs for?”

She answers in resentment, “I was just asking!”

“Well, if you inherited my gene, it will not be more than 34.”

She says, “I maybe able to surpass you!”

I say, “Be careful, don’t bump your chest into things, it hurts…”

She grabs her backpack and leaves.

“Hey, where are you going this early?” I ask her.

“I’ll get my own ride. I’m going to meet my classmate,” she replies. “I’ll see you in the afternoon.”

I return to the dining room, everyone else is having breakfast. Ping-er is drinking his milk, a white foam affixed on his upper lip like a decorated beard.

Juan Sheng, staring at his black coffee, is lost in thought.

“An-er is behaving strangely lately. She seems to be entering adolescence from girlhood, do you notice that?” I ask him.

Juan Sheng is still spaced out. I have no idea what he is thinking.

“Juan Sheng!”

He stands up and says, “I’m going to the meeting now. Don’t leave the house this afternoon, I’ll be home for lunch.”

“It’s turning cooler, dress warmly.”

He walks out of the house and doesn’t bother to answer me.

I quickly take a sip of the black tea and ask the maid, “Ah-Ping, take Ping-er downstairs and tell the chauffeur to wait for him at the front door when he picks him up from school so Ping-er can easily see him instead of asking his friend to drive him home.”

Ping-er asks, “Where’s my homework? I have to turn it in today.”

“I already put that in your backpack yesterday, sweetie. You’ll be late, hurry up!” I coax him out.

As soon as Ping-er leaves the house, the phone starts to ring. I answer it.

“Blessed housewife, how are you doing?”

“Tang Jing, is it really you?” I laugh. ” What’s up? Feeling very lonely? I’ve never met a woman who has as many complaints as you do.”

“Hey! I complain too much?! ‘One cannot talk about ice to summer insects’.*”

*Translator’s Note: ‘One cannot talk about ice to summer insects’ 夏蟲不可以語冰 is derived from Chuang Tzu’s (369-286 B.C.E.) 莊子 Outer Chapters: Autumn Floods外篇：秋水篇. It is not possible to communicate with people whose knowledge and experience are limited, they are like insects that live only one summer and thus have no knowledge of what ice is.

“Do you want to have lunch with me this afternoon? Shopping afterwards? How about we meet at Cafe Landmark?”

“Sure. At twelve forty-five.” Tang Jing says.

I heave a sigh of relief.

Ah-Ping, our maid, comes to me with a long face and says, “Madam, I need to speak with you.”

I let out a sigh, “What is it now?”

“Madam, Maggie stinks. I don’t want to sleep in the same room with her.”

Maggie is our Filipino maid and she doesn’t get along with Ah-Ping.

“Nonsense. She doesn’t stink.” I beseech her, “Ah-Ping, you witnessed Ping-er’s birth. In this family you and I are inseparable–is there anything else you feel that doesn’t live up to your expectation? Please help me out. Without Maggie, who will do the laundry and ironing? Mop the floor and clean the windows?”

She still displays a stepmother’s look on her face.

“You want a pay raise, right?” I ask.

“Madam, I’m not that kind of a person.”

I scream, “So what kind of a person are you? Do you want to sleep in my bed with my husband? I’ll let you.”

Ah-Ping spits back, “Hell no, Madam, I’m an old person in my 50’s or 60’s, you are being ridiculous.” She escapes into the kitchen.

I lean on the table and laugh.

The doorbell rings. Maggie opens the door and it is my mother.

“Eh,” I say, “Mother, what brings you here? Luckily I haven’t gone out yet. Why didn’t you let me send the chauffeur to go get you?”

“It’s nothing really,” Mother is sitting down, “Zi Qun says she has to attend a banquet tonight, so she wants me to ask you to lend her an evening bag.”

I’m not pleased. “Why does she keep asking you to run errands for her?”

“She’s busy in the office, and can’t take time off from work. And when she’s out of the office, she has lots of social activities to attend.”

“Which one does she want?” I ask.

“Whichever,” Mother is hesitant, “all evening bags are the same.”

“Let me ask her.” I call her at her office.

Zi Qun herself answers the phone, “Veronica Zhou speaking.”

“Alright, Iron Lady. It’s me, your sister. Which evening bag you want to borrow?”

“The 18k gold mesh handbag, the one Juan Sheng gave you as a gift,” she says, “also, can I borrow your embroidered silk shawl as well?”

“You sure know how to pick things.”

“You’re not willing?”

“You think everyone is so petty? I’ll let Mother take it to you, but from now on don’t ask her to run so many errands.”

“Mother wants to talk to you, so don’t blame me. Where’s brother-in-law Juan Sheng? He’s not in the house?”`

“There’s a meeting in the hospital today, so he left home early.”

“How’s business in the clinic?”

“It’s okay.”

“Keep a close eye on your husband.”

“Are you done already? I was only born with one pair of eyes.”

“Do you know Qi San is getting a divorce?”

I’m very surprised, “Divorce? Why? Things look fine with them.”

“When a man has a few more dollars in his pocket, inevitably he will start playing tricks.” She laughs, ” So be careful, my sister.” She hangs up.

“That Zi Qun, crazy yet ditzy,” I exclaim.

Mother says, “Zi Jun, I need to talk to you.”

I take out the evening bag and shawl and hand them to Mother. I also give her one thousand dollars.

“Zi Jun,” Mother asks me, “Has Juan Sheng been treating you well lately?”

“The same as always. We are an old married couple, good or bad it makes no difference.” I laugh. “Did my big brother go visit you?”

“He keeps saying that he’s busy.”

I say, “He can spend three days and three nights straight playing mahjong.”

Mother says, “Zi Jun, among all four of you, you are the most caring one. Your elder brother doesn’t have a stable business, your sister-in-law has bad temper, and Zi Qun is a happy-go-lucky girl. She’s already in her 30’s but doesn’t want to get married. People told me that Zi Qun was dating foreign guys. I was so embarrassed and couldn’t answer them.”

I smile, “Who are those people? They just like to gossip. Nowadays, nobody cares about this sort of things.”

“But if she keeps on behaving this way, her reputation will be all ruined…”

“Mother, “ I pat on her shoulder, “Let me take you home.”

“You don’t have to do that just for me.”

“I have to go to the beauty parlor to do facial anyway.”

“It must be expensive, right? Your sister-in-law also likes to do facial. She doesn’t know how to save up money.”

I tell Ah-Ping, “I won’t be home for lunch.”

“But Master will be home for lunch.” Ah-Ping says.

Mother quickly says, “I think you should stay home to accompany Juan Sheng.”

I’m hesitant and say, “But I have a lunch date with Tang Jing.”

Mother is not pleased, “Are your girlfriends more important than your own husband? Or is it just a trendy thing for modern women these days? I particularly don’t like Tang Jing. She is weird. She is so arrogant and condescending. I advise you not to be so close to her.”

I tell Ah-Ping, “Tell my husband that I’m having lunch with Miss Tang. You serve him lunch.”

Mother looks at me sadly, “Zi Jun, you never take my advice.”

I walk her out of the house and say, “Mother, you talk a bit too much lately.”

The chauffeur just got back from Ping-er’s school. I have him drop Mother off at her house before taking me to Betsy’s Beauty Parlor.

I’m greeted by the cosmetician, “Mrs. Shi, this way please.”

I lean back on the salon chair — ooh, so comfy! I feel a sudden surge of contentment as she starts massaging my face. Maybe Tang Jing is at a meeting right this moment. She must be so focused, her face tightening up with a smile. She has probably been sitting in such an upright position for so long that she will get a backache when she gets home. Maybe that explains why she sometimes looks so haggard. Later when I see her, I’ll have to persuade her to find a husband and quit working so hard.

“Mrs. Shih, would you like to try the ginseng facial cream? It is our brand-new product.”

I tell her no.

I’m totally enjoying the warm steam showering on my face.

It is not easy being a housewife these days, there is so much to do at home. Tang Jing keeps saying, “You probably don’t need any talent to be a housewife.” But you need luck no matter what, otherwise how could she have managed to keep going for so many years.

I’m done with the facial and check the time, it is 11:45. There isn’t enough time to go get my hair done, maybe I’ll just go shopping.

I do a touch-up to freshen up my face. I stroll around at The Landmark Mall at Central. Sometimes I don’t really like coming here, it’s always crowded at Central. People are coming and going like mindless flies. Why can’t they leave home a little earlier if they are in such a big hurry?!

Look at those busy people, they waste their wonderful youth on things like worrying about the mood of their boss, keystrokes, and lunchboxes. Their earnings are just a thousand to two thousand dollars. I know they deserve our sympathy. Are any of them happy?

I walk into a boutique and I hear a voice greeting me, “Mrs. Shi.”

“Hello, Mrs. Jiang! How are you doing?” I quickly put on a smile.

“Shopping for clothes?” Mrs. Jiang inquires.

“I don’t come here too often. What about you? Do you live around this area?” I say.

“No, how can I afford to live in this area?”

“Mrs. Jiang, you are being too modest.”

I pick two pairs of cashmere pants and let the salesperson pin the hems for alterations.

Mrs. Jiang tries to make conversation with me, “You should pick something more fashionable.”

I shake my head and smile, “I’m old-fashioned and don’t care much about trends.”

Trendy clothes are not classy.

Mrs. Jiang is in the fitting room trying on the lantern sleeved blouse.

I write a cheque and set a date with the salesperson for next week to pick up the pants.

“I’m leaving now, Mrs. Jiang.”

“Have a lunch date with Dr. Shi?” She asks.

“Oh no, I’m going to meet a friend,” I smile, “We are not that affectionate like you and Mr. Jiang.”

She laughs.

I step out of the boutique.

I’ve heard people say that Mr. Jiang is a dishonest man. He likes to go to night-clubs to entertain himself with those second-rate singers. He is a man of poor taste. But what does that have to do with me?

Happily, I quickly find the table I have booked. I’ve just ordered my mineral water and Tang Jing shows up.

She is wearing a pencil skirt. Her hair is twisted up into a bun. She looks the part of a no-nonsense professional woman.

“Hey! Beautiful lady, how come you have no suitors?” I laugh.

She sits down and fights back, “No one pursues me? Don’t get the wrong idea that just because I’m spending time with you for lunch means I have no suitors. Even your sister Veronica Zhou has men chasing her. So there’s no need for you to worry about me.”

I retort, “That sister of mine, how is she coping these days at Central?”

“The most important thing is that she is happy.” Tang Jing sighs.

We decide on a simple meal.

“How’ve you been lately?” I ask her nonchalantly.

“I’m still alive,” she says, “How about you yourself? Being a doctor’s wife, are you enjoying yourself to the fullest?”

I protest, “Can’t you be a little nicer to me? Having a career doesn’t always imply that you give more to humanity and society.”

Tang Jing looks me over from head to toe. “We are almost the same age, but look at you, your complexion is still so smooth and supple, like a spring chicken. And look at me, I’m more like a bag of rotten tea leaves. I guess that’s how different it is for people who are living a luxury lifestyle.”

“I live luxuriously?” I holler, “You’re not doing too bad yourself.”

“Let’s stop flattering each other. It has been thirteen years since we both graduated from college.” Tang Jing laughs.

I sigh, “Do you know what my daughter said to me this morning? She asked me if she would have a 38 inch chest. I’ll have to take her to the store to get her a new bra later on.”

Tang Jing gasps, “A bra?! That little baby I watched her from birth is now wearing a bra?”

“She has been wearing one since she was ten.” I say snappishly, “And every morning there is a school boy waits for her to go to school.”

“It’s frightening! We are getting old,” Tang Jing waves her hand in despair, “We are really getting old.”

I mutter, “That’s the scary part of getting married young. Look at me, I rushed myself into the chapel before finishing college. Now I spend the rest of my life with just one man — like a slave.”

Tang Jing chuckles, “I don’t believe those words of regret are from your heart. I didn’t even have that opportunity of marrying young even if I longed for one.”

“I don’t worry about my ditzy sister, she sure knows how to enjoy life. But I worry about you. When are you going to slow down and look for a husband?”

Tang Jing takes a sip of her coffee and heaves a long sigh.

“If I could find a good man and got married, I wouldn’t mind exiling my mother to the Sahara Desert.”

I give her a despicable look and say, “Stop being so sarcastic.”

“No boyfriend! No marriage!” She sounds so depressed.

“Don’t be too choosy.” I urge her.

Tang Jing shakes her head, “If a woman of my age is still picky about finding a husband, can you tell her not to be choosy? It is like buying a diamond watch. Can you tell a woman not to be choosy and picky in buying a diamond watch?”

“What?” I stare at her with my eyes wide open, “A husband is like a diamond watch?”

Tang Jing grins at me, “ To me, a husband is a diamond watch. I have everything now, I’m self-sufficient; and I never have to worry about not having male companionship when I need it. If one day I choose to get married, I definitely will not marry someone just for convenience. But I will pick the perfect one to marry. And above all, that someone will need to be presentable.”

“Go to hell.” I spit back.

She laughs happily.

I wonder if she can always be so carefree, she must have her moments of sadness and loneliness, right? But all of a sudden, I’m a bit envy of Tang Jing. She is totally self-sufficient. That must be the payoff of all of her hard work. She is so competent!

“Is Juan Sheng treating you well?” Tang Jing asks.

“I have nothing to complain about him.”

Tang Jing seems to be hesitant in saying something, but she simply just nods her head.

I try to comfort her and say, “Don’t worry, you will find your Mr. Right.”

Tang Jing checks the time on her dazzling Rolex gold watch and says, “It’s almost time, I need to get back to the office.”

I say, sourly, “This gold watch doesn’t look good on me. Only a high ranking professional woman deserves such a stylish watch.”

Tang Jing winks at me and says, “Go get a job, just for the sake of this watch!”

We say goodbye to each other.

I look at the time — 2:15 — An-er will be released from school soon. Juan Sheng’s birthday is coming soon, I plan to get him a crocodile belt as a gift. After all, ‘wool comes from the sheep’– I’m spending his money on him. It is the thought that counts.

After I have bought the belt, I walk over to Lane Crawford. An-er, carrying her backpack, is waiting at the front door. She is so tall, at age twelve she looks like she’s fifteen. She’s only about a couple of inches shorter than me.

She walks toward me and speaks to me like a grown-up, “Did you buy something new to my baby brother again?!”

“What makes you think that?” I ask her while trying to fix her loose hair strands.

“Everybody knows Mrs. Shi loves her son the most. Because Dad is the only son in his family, grandma wasn’t happy when Dad’s first born was a girl. So when the second child is a boy, he gets spoiled like he’s retarded.”

“Who said that?” I tease her, “All gossip!”

“Auntie Qun said that.”

Zi Qun, that air-headed girl, talks to the kids about everything. So nosy!

“What else did she tell you?”

“Auntie Qun also said that you’ve been living a comfortable life for so long that you’ve become ignorant and never strived to better yourself. She said that you need to be more self-aware.” These words roll out of her mouth like she has memorized them by heart.

I stare at An-er and feel shaky inside.

I am not shocked by the grudges that Zi Qun holds against me. She has been drifting and floating around for all these years so she must have gone through a great deal of hardships. I’m already so used to her fakeness and insults. I can simply ignore her.

However, I’m stunned by An-er’s resentful undertone in her remarks.

In the past couple of years, the distance between me and An-er has widened. She’s growing up too fast that I’m no longer able to perceive her inner thought. What is she really thinking?

Is she blaming me for paying more attention to her younger brother? Am I not spending enough time with her?

I stare at her in astonishment. This child is growing up so fast. She understands lots of things. What can I do to regain her affection?

For now, I can only pretend that nothing has happened. “Your aunt always thinks that a career woman is a successful woman. She has no idea how difficult it is to be a housewife.”

“Really?” An-er retorts so quickly. “Difficult? I don’t feel that you have endured any difficulties. Besides going to restaurants and shopping, you haven’t done anything! At home, we have Miss Ah-Ping and Maggie to take care of things. Dad earns all the money. Grandma comes to help during the holidays. We have tutors to help us with our homework. Dad takes care of himself. But Mom, what have you done for us?”

All I feel is a flush of anger. Can those words come from the mouth of a twelve-year-old? I holler, “I gave birth to you, didn’t I?!”

All the salespeople in the department store turn around and look at us.

An-er shrugs her shoulders and says, “All women can give birth.”

I’m shaking in anger.

“Who taught you to say those things?” I holler. She has already turned around and ran away. I quickly run after her, but she disappears at a glimpse.

The chauffeur brings the car to me, I grit my teeth and climb inside thinking that I’ll put aside her crazy attitude for now. Let me get back home first and I’ll have a talk with her this evening.

When I reach home, I’m so angry that my hands are still shaking. Ah-Ping opens the door for me. As soon as I step inside I see Juan Sheng sitting at the middle of the living room.

“Hey, why are you home?” I frown at him.

“I’ve been waiting for you to get back since lunch time.”

“Why?” I’m confused.

“I need to talk to you. I remember I have told you not to go out in the afternoon.” He sounds very angry and speaks slowly word by word.

What an awful day! Everybody seems to be in a bad mood and they all take it out on me.

I explain, “I had to go meet Tang Jing…That’s right, I also have something to tell you. An-er is acting crazy…”

“Oh no, you sit down and listen to what I have to say.” He is getting impatient.

“What is it?” I’m not pleased. “Your father wants to borrow money again, right? Go and tell him, we need to make monthly payments to the clinic building and for all the medical supplies and equipment. Also, we still owe the bank tens of thousands of dollars for this house…”

“Can you just listen to me?” Juan Sheng glares at me and bellows.

I stare at him in shock.

“I only have one thing to say to you so listen very carefully. Zi Jun, I want a divorce.”

My ears ring with a loud sound. “What did you say?” I’m dumbfounded, pointing my finger at him, “Shi Juan Sheng, what did you just say?”

“A divorce,” he mutters, “Zi Jun, I’ve decided to get a divorce.”

I feel as if lightning struck me. I stumble and fall into the sofa.

I’m confused and speechless and I don’t know if I should be angry. All I can do is stare at Juan Sheng.

I feel like I’m frozen in time. I tell myself that it is a bad dream, I’m just in a bad dream. Juan Sheng is always so meek and dutiful, he will not harm me in any way. This is not real.

Juan Sheng walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. I can hear him clearly saying, “Zi Jun, I have hired a lawyer. We are now legally separated. I have packed my things and I’m now moving out.”

I can’t breathe. In bewilderment, I ask, “Moving out? Where would you go?”

“I’m moving into ‘her’ house.”

“Her? Who is she?”

Juan Sheng is stunned. “You don’t know? You don’t know I have another woman?”

“You…have another woman?” I feel like he has punched me in the chest.

“Oh my god! The whole world knows about this, even our daughter An-er knows about this and she has stopped talking to me for the past three months! And you knew nothing about it?! I thought you were just pretending all those times!”

The pain is like an invisible hand pressing against my chest. Slowly, I come to realize what is happening. Juan Sheng — has another woman — for a long time perhaps — and the whole world knows about this — except me — even An-er, our twelve-year-old daughter knows — that Juan Sheng wants to divorce me —

I cover my ears with my hands and scream repeatedly.

Juan Sheng, with a detestable look on his face, walks into the bedroom. He carries a suitcase when he comes out.

“Where are you going?” My voice is trembling, “You can’t leave!”

He puts the suitcase down and says, “Zi Jun, calm down. I thought about this for a long time. I really cannot go on living with you. I will not leave you penniless. We will talk about this in detail tomorrow.” He talks like he is reciting words from a book.

“Oh, heavens!” I scream, “We used this suitcase in our honeymoon! How can you do this to me!”

“Mom, let him go!”

I turn around and see An-er standing right behind me.

“Dad, you are done talking. You can go now.” She confronts her father. “Why wait around and watch Mom’s ludicrous reactions?”

He seems to be afraid of An-er and mutters to her, “You don’t hate me, do you, An-er?”

She retorts, “What do you care? Does it really matter to you whether I hate you or not? Just leave. I will take care of Mom.”

He clenches his teeth, opens the door and walks out.

Ah-Ping and Maggie are in shock. They react like the world is coming to an end and they just don’t know what to do.

An-er talks to them in a serious manner, “Go back to your work. Miss Ah-Ping, please bring a cup of hot tea to Madam.”

I’m telling myself, “This is not true, none of this is real.” My head is all muddled. I grab An-er’s hand; her hand is like my lifeline.

I feebly raise my head and look at An-er. Her pellucid eyes show no emotions. Her tiny lips are tightly closed.

Languidly, I say to her, “An-er, your father is out of his mind. Hurry, go get your Nainai (奶奶: paternal grandmother) here.”

Ah-Ping hands me a cup of hot tea. I accidently knock it down on the floor.

“Mom, calm down. It’s useless to get Nainai here. Dad has abandoned you.” She coldly utters those words to me.

He has abandoned me? I try to make some sense out of it. How is this possible? Last year when we celebrated our twelve year anniversary, he told me that he loved me and if I wanted he would court me all over again.

My hands are shaking in fear. He doesn’t want me anymore? How is it possible? I haven’t noticed any signs all these years…

Ah-Ping brings me another cup of hot tea, I take a sip from the cup held in An-er’s hand.

An-er asks me, “Should I go fetch Auntie Jing?”

I nod my head, “Yes, go get her here. I need her to stay by my side.”

An-er goes to make a phone call to Tang Jing. I try to regain my composure.

He has another woman? Who is this woman? Even An-er knows about her?

An-er returns and says, “Auntie Jing says she will get here as soon as she can.”

I ask her, “An-er, who is your dad’s girlfriend?”

She curls her lip in disdain and says, “Leng Jia Qing’s mother!”

“Who is Leng Jia Qing?”

“My classmate Leng Jia Qing. Do you remember in last year Christmas party, I dressed up as a fairy and she as the devil?”

Very slowly, the scene comes back to me. “Her mother is a movie star, right? And her name is…”

“Gu Ling Ling.” She says bitterly, “She’s so shameless. She latched on dad as soon as she met him.”

“A movies star?” I murmur, “And she stole my husband?”

I regret that I never paid attention to this woman. And that I have no knowledge of this affair! What have I done with my life?!

I haven’t noticed any unusual activities in Juan Sheng’s daily life. He basically works 8 hours in his clinic every day, occasionally will be on call at night, and on some weekends goes to the hospital to perform surgeries. He has been doing this regularly for the past ten years. I can’t follow him wherever he goes. There is a mutual trust between husband and wife.

Have I done anything wrong? No, I haven’t. I handle all the chores at home, small and large. He never needs to worry about getting things done because I’ve been doing everything for him. Things like purchasing this house and getting it remodeled, planning for vacations, handling flight tickets and luggage, finding prestigious schools for our kids, preparing birthday banquets for his parents, and so on. He only needs to provide me with money.

I’m presentable in all his social gatherings. In fact, he likes to compliment me on my appearance, “Zi Jun, you are the most beautiful woman here this evening.” I’ve always presented myself as a well-rounded woman and I can speak English fluently. I’m a perfect wife in every aspect. So what have I done wrong? I do not understand.

Juan Sheng and I communicate well with each other. He is a doctor. But I also attended college so I’m as well educated as he is. So what really goes wrong?

All these thoughts are circling in my head but none of them make any sense to me.

Juan Sheng started his practice as a doctor only three years ago. I lived with him in his hospital dormitory for ten years. Back then, life was not as luxurious as it is now; I only had one maid, Ah-Ping, to help me. I was young and had to take care of two small children. I went through a very tough time. I had to get up in the middle of the night to breastfeed the baby. And when I was having my first child, Juan Sheng wasn’t able to be with me when I was in labor. It was late that night and he was on call, so he didn’t come to see me until the next day.

Now things have improved, I have a chauffeur and two maids. But what I have is well deserved, because I’ve earned it the hard way. Moreover, Juan Sheng is not a millionaire, just recently he had to borrow money from the bank to start his clinic…

And now, he wants to abandon me.

He uttered a few simple words to me, “Zi Jun, I want a divorce.” And so he packed his suitcase and walked out.

He has moved into her house.

Ten years of marriage, love, affection, mutual respect, have all vanished.

How can this happen to me? I see people get divorced all the time, but how can this happen to me?!

An-er pushes me slightly and says, “Mom, say something!” Her voice fills with fear.

I try to pull myself together. How am I supposed to live my life from now on? I have two young children, one is twelve and the other is just eight. Will I be able to handle it all? I feel like I’m falling into an abyss, that my body and soul are floating and drifting apart; I’m wandering in the void like a lonesome ghost.

All of a sudden I realize that Ping-er hasn’t come home from school yet. Where is he? It’s already 4:30pm.

“Where is Ping-er?” I ask in a shaky voice.

“Ping-er is staying at Nainai’s.” An-er replies.

“Oh, I see.”

Juan Sheng doesn’t care about his two children anymore?!

But he loved his children so very much. He even helped changing their diapers when they were babies. How could he bear to desert them?

Adding all these facts together, I cannot find an answer to explain why he is abandoning his family. He can’t be this heartless!!

Maybe he just wants to teach me a lesson for not taking him seriously. He must be angry that I didn’t wait for him at home for lunch but instead went out to see Tang Jing. Yes, that must be it! He just wants to scare me straight.

But was it really all because I didn’t eat lunch with him? It quickly becomes clear to me that even I myself cannot be convinced by such a weak explanation.

I slowly come to realize that Juan Sheng is unfaithful to me. My good husband has thrown himself into another woman’s arms. It’s all in the past now. He no longer cares about my feelings. He can’t see my tears; they are so far away from him.

I look outside the window. I don’t see any difference between today and yesterday; it is just another bright, sunny, wintry day. Christmas will be here soon. And the funny thing is that one only needs to put on a sweater for the winter here in the South.

Earlier today I was enjoying myself, shopping and having lunch with my friend, but by the time I get back home, I’ve become a divorcee.

It just happened so quickly. Juan Sheng didn’t give me any warnings. He should at least let me know what mistakes I had made so I could have a chance to rectify them.

But all of a sudden he just packed his suitcase and left without even leaving me a phone number or an address. The whole scene was so dramatic!

I don’t deserve such a punishment; he cannot treat me like this!

All my fears and worries subside, and what follows is sheer anger.

I have to confront him. I cannot let myself get defeated without a fair fight. He owes me a decent explanation.

I stand right up.

An-er goes to open the door to let Tang Jing in.

“What’s wrong, An-er?” Tang Jing tries to comfort her, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here now. I can make everything right again. Your mother listens to me, as always.”

“Tang Jing!” I stare at her sadly.

“Zi Jun! You look as pale as a ghost!” She is stunned. “You were fine when we met earlier.”

“Juan Sheng has packed up and left me. He is divorcing me.”

“Come sit down,” she speaks to me calmly, “and speak slowly.” She doesn’t appear to be surprised by what I have just told her.

I stare at her. “It’s Gu Ling Ling, the movie star.”

Tang Jing nods her head.

“You knew about this?” In despair I ask her, “The whole world knew about this?”

“Pretty much,” she says calmly, “Almost everyone knows that Shi Juan Sheng and Gu Ling Ling are together. They met about a year ago and then started dating over six months ago. How did you let yourself be kept in the dark for so long?”

I feel like I’m falling into an icehouse.

“We all thought that you knew about the affair, and that you kept buying the most expensive clothing as a way of revenge. Frankly, Juan Sheng had discussed this issue with me many times before.”

“Then why haven’t you never told me?” I keep questioning her, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Tang Jing holds me down on the chair. “What’s the point of letting you know sooner? You would probably react the same way — helpless and ludicrous, those are your attributes.”

Helplessly, my tears keep falling down.

“…But I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Tang Jing lets out a sigh and speaks to me in a matter-of-fact tone, “We all make mistakes, but how many of us are willing to admit our own faults? We can only see the errors that other people make.”

And she continues, “It takes two to tango. Juan Sheng shouldn’t take all the blame.”

“You, Tang Jing…, you’re supposed to be on my…”

“Of course I’m on your side. It’s exactly why I’m on your side, that I have to make you see the facts and face reality. You still have a long life to live. A person’s life doesn’t end with a divorce. You have to figure out what to do with the rest of it.”

I become hysterical and yell out, “Divorce? Who says I want a divorce? No, no, no divorce!”

An-er stares at me and is sobbing.

Tang Jing says to her, “An-er, go back to your room. Let me handle it.”

I cry my eyes out. “All of you are bullying me. I’m already 33 years old, where would I go after a divorce? I will not agree to a divorce no matter what!”

I lean on Tang Jing’s shoulder and keep crying.

Tang Jing keeps her silence and just lets me cry.

After a long, long time, she says, “I’m afraid that it’s really not up to you whether you want a divorce or not.”

It’s getting dark outside. I dry my tears and ask Tang Jing, “So Juan Sheng is not coming back? How am I supposed to live from now on? Do I weep alone and wait until the sun goes down day after day?”

It is terrifying just to think that I will have to sit here quietly day after day to wait for him to come back! How frightening it will be!

It makes me think of the old days when I was in the elementary school. There was an incident where I was punished by the teacher for carelessly discarding waste paper. I was detained after school to write “I will not discard waste paper again” for a hundred times. The sky was getting darker and darker and it was just me and the teacher staying behind in the classroom. I leaned on the desk and kept writing and I got so scared and wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I felt like my throat was all stuffed with sand and tiny rocks. I was so upset and nervous!

From that time on, I was phobic about the sun going down. I would rush back home as soon as classes were over. After I started working, I still had the habit of heading straight back home at the end of my shift. The fear of darkness faded after I got married and later when I had my children.

But all of a sudden this fear is again coming back to me.

After marrying Juan Sheng, I never slept alone. He even took me along with him once when he went to the United States for a three-day meeting.

Tang Jing asks the maid to prepare a bowl of chicken noodle soup for me. I stare at the empty living room and finally accept the fact that Juan Sheng has left me. His heart has changed, but all the good things in his life have not.

Everything has changed. All his promises are gone with the wind. He has found his new love. As for me, from now on, I must find a way to survive in this rubble.

I take a deep breath.

Will I be able to persevere?

Life without Juan Sheng will be like a blank space. How do I fill up this emptiness?

I’m just an ordinary woman. I’m nowhere near as capable as Tang Jing. She oversees thirty staff in her office; every move she makes is noteworthy. She can spend her monthly earnings on whatever she desires. But me, I can’t even support myself financially, I’ve relied totally on Juan Sheng all these years.

“Zi Jun,” Tang Jing calls out, “Come and eat something. Ms. Ah-Ping, please turn on all the lights. I can’t stand gloominess in a house.”

I sit myself at the the dining table.

She pats me on my shoulder and says, “Zi Jun, I know you won’t disappoint me. Your fighting spirit is back, right? When we were in college, you were the most stubborn one among all of us. You went all the way to the Department Head to fight for a grade that you deserved. Do you still remember that? Deal with this adversity sensibly and calmly. I know it’s easier said than done. You are well-educated and very capable, you just haven’t applied yourself all these years. You are different from those ignorant uneducated women, Zi Jun…” Tang Jing chokes with tears.

I turn around and call for An-er, “An-er, get over here and eat.”

An-er throws a glance at me. She picks up the chopsticks and mindlessly plays with the noodles in her bowl. Then she puts down the chopsticks.

“Call your brother. He needs to come home. He has school tomorrow. He’s having enough fun in his Nainai’s house. I wonder if he gets all his homework done.”

“Okay.” An-er replies.

My heart goes numb and my face is emotionless. I lower my head and eat the noodles.

Tang Jing utters a coughing sound, “Would you like me to stay here overnight?”

I mumble back, “No, that’s not necessary. I can’t ask you stay by me forever. I will need lots of your support later on, but not tonight.”

“Okay,” she nods her head, “That’s fine.”

An-er returns and says, “Mom, the chauffeur is going now to pick up Ping-er.”

I say to An-er, “Your dad has left us.”

“I know,” An-er responds scornfully.

“Promise me, no matter what happens, you have to go to school everyday as usual, okay?”

She nods her head. “And you, Mom. Will you continue to be a good mother?”

I’m a little stunned by her remarks. I slowly smooth my hair back and say, “I will.”

An-er shows a smile on her face.

“An-er, you’re a good girl.” Tang Jing says, “Now go back to your room and do your homework. You don’t need to stay here with us.”

“Can we…go on living here?” An-er questions me with hesitation.

“Of course,” Tang Jing answers her for me, “Everything will stay the same as usual. The only difference is that your father will not be home everyday; he perhaps will come see you twice or three times a week.”

An-er gazes at me again before she walks back to her room.

“Thank you, Tang Jing. I will meet with Juan Sheng tomorrow to discuss the details.” I’m exhausted. I sit down and tell Tang Jing that it’s okay if she wants to leave now.

Tang Jing is hesitant.

I wait for her to open up to me.

She finally says, “Zi Jun, you are obviously a sophisticated and intelligent woman, but why do you always act like a submissive housewife in front of Juan Sheng, especially in recent years?”

I look at her and don’t know how to explain it to her.

After a while, I say to her, “Tang Jing, I’ve told you before that it’s not easy to be a housewife, but you just never believed me. Like you, I also have a boss. I have to do what my boss wants me to do, if he wants me to act stupid, then I act stupid.”

Tang Jing shakes her head and doesn’t seem to understand what I have said. She picks up her handbag and gets ready to leave. But then she stares at me again and is hesitant to go.

“Are you worried that I might do something stupid like commit suicide?” I ask her.

“I’ll come see you tomorrow.” She sighs.

“Okay.” I say.

Ah-Ping sees her off.

I stay in the living room, all alone, for a long time. Then I go to take a shower. Water keeps pouring down on me, my neck seems to get stiff and I feel it difficult to move.

I have my responsibilities, I can’t let myself fall apart. I still have Ping-er and An-er, they still need me.

The hot water from the faucet turns my skin pink and gives me this extraordinarily clean sensation. I change into my pyjamas. At this time, the chauffeur has just brought Ping-er back home.

I keep quiet and let Ah-Ping take care of his backpack and get ready for bed.

Ping-er has the habit of chatting with me at bed-time.

“Mommy, I need a hug.”

His little rounded head leans on me for about thirty minutes and he starts telling me all the things that have happened in school today, like so-and-so has forgotten to bring his notebook, or whose uniform has gotten dirty. His eyes are like two little circles looking up at me while he relays his day to me.

But, I regret that I’m unable to pay close attention to what he has to say to me tonight.

An-er is absolutely right in saying that I favour Ping-er more. I give my heart entirely to him. His smile can melt me. I love An-er too, but on a different level.

I’ve never realized before how unfair this must be to her.

But having Ping-er is such a monumental thing for me. When I was pregnant with him, I told my mother that if Ping-er turned out to be a girl, I would have to keep making more babies. And that explains why Ping-er is so important in my life.

Juan Sheng is the only son in his family.

However, Ping-er’s existence cannot preserve the happiness in our marriage.

I wait until Ping-er falls asleep, then I drag my weary body into the bedroom.

The phone starts to ring.

I pick it up.

It is Juan Sheng.

He slightly chokes up and says, “The children are all asleep?” It seems he still has a conscience.

“Yes, they are all asleep.”

“Zi Jun, I’m truly sorry. But I cannot give up on love. I fell in love with you in the past, but now I’ve fallen in love with someone else, and I don’t have any choice but to leave you. Please forgive me, Zi Jun.”

I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry after hearing this. His words seem to be copied from the cheesy dialogue in those trashy romantic novels. How on earth can those words come from the mouth of a well-educated physician like Juan Sheng? He must be crazy.

I feel like I don’t know this ridiculous man anymore, so there’s no need for me to react foolishly.

I question him calmly, “So you are in love, and that makes it right for you to abandon your wife and pursue your own happiness. To you, marriage is just a shackle, correct?”

There’s a long silence, then he says,”Zi Jun, I really don’t have a choice, she wants me to get a divorce…”

I give a long sigh.

“So you think you can run away just like that? There are lots of problems that need to be solved. Things like our children and properties that we share. And you are not coming back to deal with all these issues?”

“Let’s meet at Skylight Cafe tomorrow.” He said.

I yell back, “Do you think we are in a movie? Come see me here in this house tomorrow at noon. I don’t care if you can come or not, but I’m not interested in playing the co-starring role in your farce!” I throw down the phone.

I’m shaking in anger.

Juan Sheng has always been meek and he is never decisive. He was intimidated even by the realtor agent when we bought this house; but I stood by him, as I always did, which in a way I was seen as a dragon lady and he as the good guy!

But now, he doesn’t need me anymore because he’s found another woman who stands up for him.

I sit on the bed, quietly staring at the bedside lamp. What do I do with this large bed?

I’ve never slept alone. When I was young, mother and I were jammed in one bed, then I slept in the same bed with Zi Qun after she was born, and of course after I got married I shared my bed with my husband. In the beginning, Juan Sheng’s snores kept me awake all night long, but after awhile, I was so used to it that I couldn’t fall asleep without hearing the rhythmic sound of his snores.

I’m not the only woman abandoned by her husband. All divorcees sleep alone. And those single women, like Tang Jing, spend their nights all by themselves too. They don’t just go out on the street and grab men back to their homes. These thoughts drive me to despair. I know I have to get used to the loneliness.

I am frightened! The quartz alarm clock keeps ticking, I feel like my throat is all dried up, and I just can’t fall asleep. There are no sleeping pills in the house because Juan Sheng is all against bringing drugs back home from the clinic.

All of a sudden, I see the door slowly being pushed open.

I ask, “Who is it?”

“Mom, it’s me. I can’t sleep.” It is An-er.

“Come, sleep here by my side.”

She gets into the bed and says, “Mom, what is going to happen to us?”

“Nothing will change, life goes on as usual. Go to sleep, you have school tomorrow.” I can hear myself uttering these remarks in resolute determination.

An-er seems relieved.

I turn off the light.

Hey all, thanks for reading this teaser! Be sure to look out for PlumValley’s upcoming book if you enjoyed this translation! 🙂

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