Chapter 37

EP 7 - North Wind (8)

- Former Deputy Minister of National Defense, Cha Jae-geun, who planned a coup through illegal biological experiments, was found dead in his office around 8 PM today.

Cha Jae-geun is dead.

- Before you watch the video, please subscribe and give a like. Ah, yes, everyone! Did you hear that? Biological experiments? Wow, what a fucking bastard, right? He must have had a conscience, so he put a gun to his head...

Many people cheered.

- The National Assembly strongly condemns the biological experiments and the secret organization orchestrated by Cha Jae-geun and is working to expand the authority of the special committee to prevent such incidents...

- In this era where all citizens are suffering, the only thing awaiting those who cannot control their lust for power is the firm judgment of the people...

The politicians waved their hands, savoring their victory.

- Representative Han Seung-moon! Please give us a statement! There's a rumor that the subjects of the biological experiments were violent criminals. Is this true? If so, what about the experimental subjects who haven't been captured yet...

- The special prosecutor has decided not to conduct additional investigations, except for former martial law commander Im Yong-taek and former National Intelligence Service director Kim Do-hwan,

This is breaking news. Former National Intelligence Service director Kim Do-hwan was found dead at his home. The cause of death is suspected to be suicide...

- Representative Han Seung-moon, who led the escape from Apgujeong and withstood pressure related to the biological experiments, has been awarded the Order of Merit for National Foundation. After the press conference, Acting President Won Ok-bun invited Representative Han Seung-moon to her home for a private conversation...

* * *

"It feels like when I was young."

Won Ok-bun, who was chewing on stir-fried lotus root, said to me in a slurred voice. She spoke in short, distorted sentences.

"Yeah, you need some guts. It's necessary for politicians to have that kind of presence."

"......Thank you."

"Yang Pan-seok has really raised a good disciple. I remember him throwing Molotov cocktails and yelling at the police. I saw him in the interrogation room during my public security days."

Yang Pan-seok was appointed as a judge during the Kim Young-sam administration after throwing Molotov cocktails during the Roh Tae-woo administration, and Won Ok-bun was already a prosecutor cracking down on gangsters during the Roh Tae-woo administration.

In both the legal and political circles, Yang Pan-seok was roughly four years my junior. And in this field, four years is a significant amount of time.

Usually, at least two out of the presidential, general, and local elections occur, so Won Ok-bun addressed Yang Pan-seok informally.

"Does Yang Pan-seok not say much?"

"......Not really, he doesn't say much."

"Representative Han Seung-moon seems to be unfamiliar. Representative Yang really cares for Representative Han."

Yang, Han, the names sound a bit strange.

Won Ok-bun showed a twisted smile.

"Of course, I do too. These days, being a National Assembly member is quite rare."

"......"

"Let's see, if you're 27 now, that makes you 31, 35, 39. Wow. A four-term member in your late 30s. Your future must be promising. You're quite popular, after all."

"......Thank you for the compliment."

It seems they want to groom me for the next term. I was a good candidate for their retirement fund.

"Back when the National Assembly members gathered underground, Representative Yang Pan-seok suggested we should nurture Representative Han. We also subtly dropped hints to the media and the prosecution."

I knew how powerful a casual remark from a National Assembly member could be in this country. So, despite my tired mind, I nodded.

"Thank you."

"But if you suddenly surge forward, it will surprise us. Maybe it's because of your age."

Won Ok-bun, who had taken out the stir-fried lotus root from her fridge, chewed it again. She continued speaking to me without any pretense.

Her casual remarks while chewing were more powerful than her formal statements at press conferences.

"Take it easy. Take it easy."

It means don't overstep.

"In an era where there's no need for a major political battle, let's go safely. Safely..."

There was no strongman on TV.

"You can slowly starve a hunting dog to death. Suddenly raising a club isn't a completely bad choice either..."

Whether it was Yang Pan-seok, who threw Molotov cocktails to overthrow the military regime during the Chun Doo-hwan era, or Won Ok-bun, who cracked down on gangsters and adorned modern history during the Roh Tae-woo era.

"We old folks find it a bit heavy to raise a club. That's what I mean."

She became someone who feared responsibility and burden.

"Do you understand?"

*

Three days passed quickly after Cha Jae-geun's suicide. I felt like I had let time pass in a daze.

And now, I have just finished the joint memorial service for the victims.

As soon as the memorial service ended, the VIPs in the front row rushed to the journalists, dabbing their tears with handkerchiefs to appeal to the public.

I sat there in a daze, looking at the endless rows of memorial photos. Only civilians, excluding criminals, were gathered, but there were many frames.

The bereaved families, dressed in black mourning clothes, wept. The transparent tears streaming down their red faces looked like blood.

Not wanting to meet the journalists, I quietly slipped out through the emergency exit.

And then.

"I'm, I'm so sorry. I, I..."

"......"

"I, I really didn't expect this to happen!"

From the dimly lit emergency staircase below, I heard a woman sobbing.

"......Chae-won, student?"

A small girl, crouched and covering her ears, lifted her head, sniffing.

The girl looked up at me pitifully with bloodshot eyes.

*

"......Why did you do that?"

Driving back to the dorm with Chae-won in the passenger seat, as the sunset seeped through the buildings, turning especially red.

After a long silence, Chae-won, who had been gripping her skirt with her small fists, asked a seemingly random question.

No interpretation was necessary.

I pressed the accelerator at the blue traffic light, remained silent for a long time, and finally managed to answer.

"I don't know."

Why did I do that?

I am not a populist, so I couldn't say that a state maintained by the sacrifice of the people has no value.

I am not a humanist, so I couldn't say that means and values that justify the destruction of life are not respectable.

I am not an altruist, so I couldn't say that the majority maintained by the sacrifice of the minority is unjust.

I am not a utilitarian, so I couldn't say it was for political gain. I am not a democrat, so I couldn't say I was representing the will of the people.

I am an ambiguous person.

Everyone is.

When asked to introduce themselves, most people ramble.

That's why people always carry business cards, and in my case, I introduce myself as a National Assembly member.

However, if asked to describe oneself beyond one's position, almost no one can answer immediately.

This means that people cannot easily define themselves as one thing.

We are all complex creatures, aren't we?

That's why I couldn't give a clear, philosophical, and principled answer.

"......I just, it didn't feel right. That's all."

"......"

Chae-won answered with a subtle silence. I muttered a vague excuse, thinking of something that came to mind.

"When I was young, I was very sensitive to bad deeds."

Chae-won, wiping away her tears with her red eyes, looked at me with an ironic expression.

"There's a line, you know. What, I mean, I was a person who was sensitive to that line."

"......A line?"

"No, like, there's a kid who gets into a fight for cutting the lunch line. That was me. This is a story from elementary school."

I turned the steering wheel indifferently, entering a coastal road with a view of Busan's front sea.

The crimson sunset shimmered on the surging sea.

"Maybe because I was a well-behaved kid who always listened to my parents, I would lecture kids who broke the rules as if I were an adult.

But after my mom held my hand and jaywalked, my thoughts changed. It was when we were coming back from the supermarket, which had already closed.

It wasn't a rushed situation, but we jaywalked. It was a shocking incident that I remember clearly.

Others remember their mom taking them to get a shot after promising them a pork cutlet. But I distinctly remember my mom holding my hand and jaywalking.

She was wearing a yellow dress. My mom was very beautiful. She was the only one who could pull off a yellow dress that reached her knees.

She used to be an actress when she was young, they said. I'm good-looking because I take after her, even though I'm short."

While chuckling, I suddenly realized I was saying something I shouldn't to Chae-won.

We're both orphans, but she lost her family not long ago.

I got carried away talking about my parents to someone else after a long time. I miss my mom.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and quickly got back to the main topic.

"What was I talking about...

Right, jaywalking.

After my mom held my hand and jaywalked, I started jaywalking too.

There was a two-lane road on the way to the cram school without a traffic light. I did it almost every day, I guess. I jaywalked a lot.

To be precise, it's a kind of everyday illegal act for convenience that is tacitly accepted. I knew that."

"......"

"But, on the day I was going to visit my grandmother, I darted out to jaywalk, and my dad swerved the steering wheel to avoid a kid, crossing the center line. And we collided with a truck coming the other way."

"......"

"When an accident happens, time seems to slow down. The window shattered. The bumper crumpled. The truck pushed my parents, and the broken seat pressed against my leg. I saw it all in slow motion."

"......"

"That's what I thought."

I answered Chae-won's first question.

"Laws aren't there for no reason."

*

Silence filled the car for about 15 minutes.

I got a bit carried away emotionally and said something a bit harsh.

It was a childish thought, but I decided to scold her for all the trouble she caused me.

I went to Gangbuk because she asked for help. She's the root of all evil.

Anyway, Chae-won doesn't seem to have a bright future.

There seems to be something more to it,

"......I thought it would all work out."

Chae-won, pinching her thigh, spoke to me with a trembling voice.

I continued driving without a word.

"Mr. Chul was a truly pure journalist, and Minister Cha Jae-geun was always crying bitterly..."

What am I hearing right now?

"And, and, Mr. Chul, even though he was a bit scary, on that rooftop, he told me with the purest heart, 'I hope you live.'"

Because of my obsessive driving habits, I didn't look at Chae-won.

However, all my nerves were focused on every word the girl was barely uttering.

Chae-won started wiping away her tears with her slightly stretched sleeve.

"Yuna, who was crying and saying she wanted to live in the mountains. The NIS director I saw from a distance. The researchers and agents there. No one wanted to do those biological experiments...!"

The girl confessed tearfully.

"I, I have good hearing."

Chae-won told me.

"I can hear people's hearts."

Instantly, my head went blank, and my hands on the steering wheel tightened so much that the veins popped out.

"Everyone, they didn't want to do it, so, why......"

"......"

"Just, everyone had the same thoughts. So, I thought if we gathered and talked, it would naturally be resolved..."

"......"

"How could people who were crying and saying they didn't want to do it pull the trigger without hesitation...?"

"......"

"I, I...!"

......I don't know.

*

Even if you follow the Way, virtue does not arise.

Even if you keep the law, justice does not arise.

Even if you understand the heart, goodness does not arise.

Then, what should you follow?

I am now in the office where Cha Jae-geun committed suicide. The police didn't stop me. I was already close to the center of power.

Cha Jae-geun didn't use the designated office. He chose an ordinary duty room and converted it into his office. So, he always felt the room was too small.

Why was that?

Whenever I think of Cha Jae-geun, I wonder why he did that.

I thought about the man who is no longer here.

I sat in the chair where Cha Jae-geun committed suicide. I could almost smell the faint scent of blood he left behind.

And finally, I understood why he converted this ordinary duty room into his office.

When I sat down, I naturally faced the window.

Through the slightly larger window, I saw a faint blue light shining in the sky of the ruined and crushed city.

He was always looking at the door.

Even now, monsters are falling from the door.

That's all I can see.

Only then did I become Cha Jae-geun. I noticed the items in the slightly open drawer.

Cigarettes.

Cha Jae-geun, who had quit smoking decades ago, smoked. There was no one left to die from his cigarette smoke.

I searched for a lighter with trembling hands.

And for the first time in my life, I put a cigarette in my mouth. Lighting it was easy because I had done it many times before.

I put the cigarette in my mouth and leaned back in the chair like Cha Jae-geun.

I took a deep breath.

"Cough! Gasp...! Hack! Sniff, sniff...!"

The hot smoke made my eyes water. I rubbed my eyes, coughing as if I were going to vomit. All the while, I looked at the gate beyond the window.

If I were Cha Jae-geun.

If I were Cha Jae-geun, what choice would I have made?

A hunter is needed to eliminate the monster. The biological experiments have already succeeded.

And there is a politician who is trying to drive the monster away with the hunter at the center.

When that politician was brought to the press conference, he became a national hero and took all the blame for himself.

In this situation, what should I, Cha Jae-geun, do?

I can put down the heavy burden and the deep sorrow.

Everything is accomplished.

Now,

"Cough...!"

I coughed embarrassingly and shed tears. I frowned with my eyes swollen red.

"Sniff...! Cough! Gasp...!"

Perhaps, Cha Jae-geun deliberately brought me to the press conference. He might have created a successor hero and taken all the burdens before dying.

Perhaps, Cha Jae-geun was a cold-blooded person who didn't love his family. He was just blinded by power. He might have tried to deceive me and committed suicide when he was in a crisis.

Perhaps, Cha Jae-geun. Perhaps.

I thought about Cha Jae-geun for a long time.

But the dead cannot speak, so I knew nothing.

So, I cried endlessly, coughing from the cigarette smoke I had never tasted before.

Just. It was complicated.

I don't know what's what.

I don't know if what I did was right or wrong. But I had to do it.

For whom? Whose fault is this fucking situation? What should I do?

And then.

I saw the door beyond the window.

Monsters are falling from the door.

Finally, I understood Cha Jae-geun.

I cried for a long time.

*

Even if you follow the Way, virtue does not arise.

Even if you keep the law, justice does not arise.

Even if you understand the heart, goodness does not arise.

Then, what should you follow?

In a world without a line, what should you follow?

Unfortunately, I am the one who makes the laws. I have to create the laws I must follow in this fucked-up world.

I have to draw the line.

That's what a National Assembly member should do.

*

When an accident happens, time seems to slow down.

The same goes for an era. Everyone shed the same tears, spent a day that felt like a year, and endured terrible pain.

A bone-chilling cold pierces through. Someone's death leaves a deep shadow in the heart. Unreproachable sorrow makes us miserable.

The sad era still flowed,

Finally, truly,

The cold north wind began to blow.

EP 7

North Wind

END