Chapter 39

EP.39 The Impulsive Saint Who Invented the Universe

An apple pie is made of hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, and so on.

If you want to make an apple pie and have no ingredients,

you first have to invent the universe.

...

The girl who brought me here looked noticeably dejected.

It feels a bit strange to keep referring to her as the girl who brought me here.

If I had known our connection would continue like this, I should have at least checked her name tag when she wore her school uniform last time.

But there’s no point in dwelling on the past,

so I finally asked,

“What’s your name?”

“Huh? All of a sudden? Really?”

The girl had a complicated look on her face as she replied,

“Si-eun, Hong Si-eun.”

“Your name is Hong Si-eun?”

“...That’s my nickname.”

I thought it made sense at that moment.

Si-eun was too busy staring at me.

But why did I want to talk to her?

Oh, she looked dejected.

“Hey, Si-eun?”

“Huh? Si-eun...-yang?”

Isn’t this a bit strange, no matter how you look at it?

“Si-eun student?”

“...I am a student.”

I am a student.

There was no way she couldn’t understand that my subsequent words would be negative.

She didn’t like the way I addressed her.

“Then, Si-eun junior?”

“Were you my senior, Onee-san?”

A very distant senior.

But her reaction was still subtle.

I was aware that the three ways I addressed her didn’t fit the current situation.

But what should I call her?

The girl... no, Si-eun, saved me from my dilemma.

“Hey, Onee-san.”

“Yeah?”

“Is using honorifics... a habit?”

“...”

“I, it’s not that it’s strange. Well, it is a bit strange, but when Onee-san says it, it somehow fits, and it feels a bit like talking to a mom. Ah, that’s not what I meant to say. But calling me Si-eun-yang or student feels too uncle-like, no, that’s not it. Um, anyway...”

“Anyway?”

“Can you just call me Si-eun? And use casual language!”

Si-eun said what she wanted, even as she rambled.

Even though I’m not the type to use casual language with someone I just met, who looks younger than me,

it would indeed be unnatural to keep using formal language after she called me Onee-san.

I nodded, acknowledging her request, and Si-eun’s face lit up with joy.

So this time,

I asked her,

“Why aren’t you eating?”

“...”

“Are you full or something?”

“No, I’m not full.”

There was an unexpected party at the orphanage.

Because of the pizza I ordered.

The children were happily eating the pizzas, their cheeks puffed up, as if they were in a race to see who could finish first.

But Si-eun, unlike the other children, looked very down and hadn’t even picked up a slice.

“You should have at least chosen different types if you were going to order twenty pizzas...”

“Huh?”

“Ah, never mind.”

As Si-eun muttered, one of the orphanage children, who had been eagerly eating the pineapple pizza, looked at her and said,

“Onee-san, Onee-san. You shouldn’t be picky when you have food to eat.”

“...”

A high school girl being lectured by a child who looked about ten years old.

The situation was so amusing that I couldn’t help but laugh silently.

Si-eun, who seemed to have her pride hurt, closed her eyes tightly.

Then she picked up a slice of pizza, as if she were about to swallow poison, her lips trembling,

and brought it to her mouth, but stopped, unable to eat it.

Tears even welled up in the corners of her eyes.

I don’t think even someone being tortured with food would make such a face.

I looked at her as if encouraging a baby trying to do a somersault for the first time.

Si-eun, who met my gaze, finally took a bite, as if she had gained courage.

“...”

“...”

“It, it’s delicious.”

“...”

It didn’t seem like she really enjoyed it.

Maybe she didn’t like it.

Well, everyone has their own taste, so I didn’t intend to force her.

Though unifying the menu might not have been the best choice...

“Not good?”

“No, no. It’s delicious. Really!”

“But why are you putting it down without eating more?”

“...”

“Hey, Onee-san is weird! It’s so delicious!”

“...”

Si-eun closed her eyes tightly again,

and, as if she had lost her strength, picked up the pizza again and brought it to her mouth.

Just before eating, she looked at my face,

and after eating, she stared at my face again,

and while hesitating, she looked at my face,

and while swallowing, she looked at my face.

It was as if my face was her side dish.

She wasn’t a hermit crab looking at a dried squid hanging from the ceiling between bites of rice.

After finishing one slice, she looked at me with a very proud expression.

It was as if she was hoping for some kind of reward, so I said without thinking,

“Good job. Well done.”

“W, well done?”

“Ah. I trained a dog yesterday, so I said it without thinking...”

“Dog? Do you have a dog? Wow, I really love dogs. Can I see it later?”

“I can’t.”

“Why...?”

It’s probably not the kind of dog you’re thinking of.

Si-eun looked dejected again, but I couldn’t change my mind.

Introducing that dog to such an innocent high school girl would be terrifying.

The girl kept pestering me to show her the dog, even with my firm attitude.

She must really love dogs.

Without a word, I offered her the pineapple pizza again.

Churay churay.

Her mouth, which had been chattering non-stop like most girls her age, closed tightly at the sight of the pizza.

...

After the pizza incident,

I slowly got up from my seat.

All the children in the orphanage reacted like rabbits with their ears perked up, sensing that I was about to leave.

They were quick to notice.

After all, these children were in an environment where they had to be quick to notice things.

The children quickly gathered around me,

unable to hold me back because of the bread crumbs on their fingertips, but they looked anxious.

“Onee-san, where are you going?”

“Onee-san, Onee-san. We’re about to do something fun. Stay a bit longer.”

“Onee-san, don’t go.”

“I’m leaving...?”

The atmosphere suddenly became heavy.

It was an excessive amount of attention for someone who had just met a sponsor for the first time.

Moreover, I wasn’t even a sponsor yet.

I was just a woman who had passed by and ordered a pizza.

I wondered what I had done to make them hold onto me like this,

but it would be a lie to say I didn’t understand at all.

“...”

As I remained silent, the children’s faces darkened,

but they didn’t throw a tantrum. They just looked up at me with troubled expressions.

It was a heavy scene.

The children, who had been watching my face, asked in unison,

“Will you come back?”

“Onee-san, will you come back?”

They were asking for a promise.

I didn’t answer rashly.

I just made eye contact with each approaching child and said,

“No.”

All the gathered children immediately looked crestfallen.

I could feel Si-eun’s eyes on me, wide with surprise at my words.

She must have thought I would definitely say I would come back.

But I had no intention of doing so, not even a little.

I could be called cold.

I suddenly looked up and took in the entire scene of the orphanage.

Although I didn’t show it, being in this space made my mood plummet.

Memories of the past I wanted to forget kept coming back. How could I not feel that way?

Being in such a place was a painful experience.

Isn’t it enough to torment myself in my imagination?

Would I ever come back to this orphanage?

Unless someone led me here again,

I probably wouldn’t come back on my own will.

I might change my mind later, but that was how I felt at the moment.

That’s why I told the children I wouldn’t come back.

I didn’t want to make a promise I couldn’t keep, even if the children were pitiful.

I knew better than anyone what kind of consequences such a promise could bring.

If I lied,

the children would believe it wholeheartedly, spending sleepless nights in anticipation of my return, waiting for me day and night.

Eventually, when they realized I wasn’t coming back, it would leave a deep scar on their hearts.

A scar that wouldn’t heal for a long time, fostering distrust of the world.

It was from personal experience.

In that case, it would be cleaner to leave behind just a good memory.

So I said that.

And I turned to leave.

The image of Si-eun comforting the crying children lingered in my mind.

***

I said it before.

I’m weak when it comes to desire.

No, I am weak when it comes to desire.

I could also be called impulsive.

I’m the type of person who feels relieved only after solving a problem immediately, without thinking about the consequences.

Now, I had something I wanted to do.

After everything was over,

I met the director alone.

Looking at his wrinkled face, I asked,

“Sponsorship, or rather, donations... how do I do it?”

“Huh?”

The director, who had led me to the table when I said I had something to say, asked as if he had heard something unbelievable.

His face became very complicated as he thought about it.

I gave him time to think, just as I was lost in thought.

How much money do I have left after living expenses?

While estimating my balance, the director finally asked,

“Donation? How much...?”

“About ten million won.”

“Huh?”

The director’s eyes widened in surprise and held a hint of disbelief.

I understood.

It’s not the kind of amount a woman who looks no older than her twenties would casually mention.

I don’t know why I’m doing this.

So I decided to think that I suddenly wanted to act nice.

I said a bit randomly,

I thought of a famous astronomer’s words.

Making an apple pie from scratch, with no ingredients, is as difficult as creating the universe.

It could be considered an impossible task.

It was on par with the idea that children who have been abandoned and have no abilities could suddenly buy and eat pizza on their own.

However, that’s the story if they do it on their own.

With a little help from someone, it’s a simple matter to solve, without delving into profound and complex issues like the creation of the universe.

Just like how I brought pizza to the children with a few phone calls.

I thought I was overstepping my bounds.

There was a part of me that was cynical about my actions.

But I suppressed it.

I asked the director for the account number.

The director, saying that I shouldn’t give the money directly to him, told me about a website related to donations.

I took out my phone, accessed the site, and after a lot of fumbling, I really did donate ten million won to the orphanage.

“...”

“...”

The director, who had been watching the sudden turn of events, opened his mouth in surprise.

I didn’t feel relieved.

Ten million won isn’t something you can dig out of the ground.

I might regret it.

I probably will regret it.

Actually, I was already regretting it.

But I didn’t say it out loud.

To repeat,

I don’t think I’m a good person.

I’m not pretending to be good either.

A truly good person is a girl like Hong Si-eun.

I heard that she comes to the orphanage every weekend and plays with the children, taking care of them.

A high school girl who visits an orphanage on school anniversary days is exceptionally kind.

I can’t do that.

I probably won’t come back.

I’ve done everything I had to do and everything I wanted to do.

I left the room without hesitation.

The director, who had been watching me leave silently, stopped me.

He seemed deeply troubled and asked with a trembling voice,

“Hey, at least a photo...”

“A photo?”

I thought about what the director was saying and quickly understood.

Oh, the kind of photo where the donor holds a sign showing how much they donated.

“No, that’s fine.”

I politely declined the director’s request.

I didn’t do this for any recognition.

Ten million won.

It’s a significant amount, but it’s not enough to save the children’s entire lives.

Why would you call everyone together just to take a photo showing how much you donated?

I knew that people who try to feel morally superior through such acts can end up being immoral.

Moreover, I didn’t think the children at the orphanage were pitiful.

If I truly felt sorry for them, I would have taken action like Hong Si-eun.

For the children at the orphanage,

what they really lack is not their stomachs but their hearts.

I can fill their stomachs, but I can’t fill their hearts.

I thought I had no right to ask for anything, like a photo, given my attitude.

The director, noticing my attitude, asked with his mouth still open,

“Hey, at least your name?”

“Please keep it anonymous.”

“Yes, yes...”

The director couldn’t stop me.

I left the director’s office.

I walked out of the building.

While trying to calm my troubled mind, I found myself at the entrance.

I turned around and took one last look at the place where I grew up.

I took in the entire scene one more time,

as if saying goodbye to the past, and left the orphanage.

Author's Note

Thank you, digsh****, for the 100 coin donation!

Thank you, Soxl, for the 100 coin donation!

I have to leave right away, so I’ll keep this note short.

Thank you for reading.