Chapter 61

EP.61 The Crying Saint and the Neighbor

The person who had become a butterfly in a dream woke up and said,

"I cannot tell.

Was I a butterfly in my dream,

or was the butterfly a dream of mine?"

…

I was floating in the sky.

A sky without blue enveloped me.

I was not flying, though.

Perhaps I thought I was in the sky because I did not fall despite having no ground to stand on.

I was sitting, hugging my legs with my arms.

I was crouched in the world beneath the bottomless swamp of sleep.

In the hazy vision, I was trembling.

It was cold,

and dark.

The sky that enveloped me was frighteningly black.

I continued to do so.

I spent time curled up like a fetus in the womb.

Yet, I could not feel the passage of time.

As if this moment would continue forever.

How much time had passed?

I moved.

I stretched out my curled body.

I released my arms and stood up.

I straightened my back and walked toward something.

My body had no strength.

Why was my body so heavy?

I found it strange that I was questioning this.

It was obvious.

It had always been like this.

From the very first moment I recognized myself as me, it had been this way.

My body had always lacked strength.

It could be due to the environment, or perhaps it was my inherent nature.

It would have been strange if this did not feel natural.

In the next moment, I fell.

It was a natural sequence of events.

I had no energy to get up again.

I lay sprawled out, growing colder.

Why did I not die sooner and continue to live?

Self-mockery, like a vine of ominous light, crept up my body.

A body that no longer moved.

I should have been like this long ago.

A cold wave that sprouted from the deepest part of my heart clawed at every corner of my body.

An unpleasant feeling that I could not even define enveloped me.

It was so sudden and natural that I could only tremble in fear, unable to defend myself.

My hands did not even move.

The colorful vision that illuminated the world gradually turned gray.

Gray.

A color that evokes a funeral parlor.

I couldn't do anything,

or rather,

I didn't want to do anything.

I just stiffened.

Until it came to me.

What difference was there between me and a corpse?

It felt like,

the process of dying.

No, this was nothing but death.

Eventually, I became completely cold.

Yes,

I died.

And at the moment I realized my death,

the perspective shifted.

I was looking down at myself.

I was looking down at my body.

A body with no trace of vitality.

A man with a pale face that would make anyone who looked at him feel weary was there.

Small, gaunt, and unimpressive.

So ugly.

Deserving of death.

I choked myself.

If only there were a knife.

The form of the dream I had was large and cold.

Moreover, it showed me what I feared the most.

My original body.

My original body is the most hateful, annoying, and terrifying thing to me, and at the same time, it is the most disgusting.

A body with no value to live.

Yet, paradoxically,

a black history of a foolish coward who could not even make the decision to end his own life.

But I really did not want to die.

The second salvation that occurred due to an unknown phenomenon.

It was a matter as awe-inspiring as it was unknown,

and thus, it could only be called a miracle,

which made me kneel deeply in my heart to the one who bestowed such a thing upon me.

If he changed his mind,

and took it away, what would I do?

No. I was wrong.

Don't take it away….

After telling me that being alive was a happiness,

if it were taken away again like the first time, what would I do?

I continued to cry, trembling with the ominous premonition.

Having received something so great without any effort,

I was always anxious.

The greater the happiness I felt, the more anxiety I felt on the opposite side of my heart.

Perhaps all of this was a dream.

Perhaps I was already dead, and this moment was nothing but an imagination after death.

Like a bubble that would burst with a slight prick, it could disappear at any moment.

“….”

I wanted to prove that I was alive.

It seemed that only then could I calm my anxious mind.

I could not shake off this feeling without doing so.

The first thing I found was a blade.

Where was a knife?

After wandering for a while, I remembered that it had been quite a while since I last used a knife.

Ah. Right.

That's right….

I did not want to defile this body with self-harm.

It was something I should not do.

Thinking of this body as a sin if I were to harm it, I gave up on finding a knife.

As I did nothing, the encroaching anxiety only grew.

Like someone sinking into a coffin, I lay back on the bed.

Because I had a good idea.

The intense stimulation that made me feel alive was not just pain.

And….

I touched my body.

The body that had been as pale as a corpse soon began to heat up.

…

…

…

The doorbell rang twice, then three times.

It was the sound indicating that the laundry was done.

Of course, it wasn't because I had washed clothes, given my extremely rare outings,

“….”

…just that I changed the sheets again today.

My body had no strength.

In a different sense from before.

The anxiety that had been entangled like a swamp had long since vanished, leaving a satisfying aftertaste.

I drank tap water, feeling thirsty.

I had forgotten to buy water.

“Damn.”

Once again, I realized that

cursing did not suit my voice.

A voice that was both affectionate and clear.

I recalled what had happened a moment ago.

Crying my eyes out over a bad dream.

Simultaneously, from top to bottom.

Begging for forgiveness and fawning, not even knowing to whom,

sobbing and panting, and making all sorts of strange noises….

It wasn't something a man with a penis should do.

Now, I have no penis and am no longer a man.

Still, how many hours had passed?

I had done something so embarrassing that I couldn't even think of the word "restraint,"

so the neighbor might come back.

If he really does come back, well,

I should apologize first…?

The sheets were thin but bulky, so there was no way I could dry them inside.

I would have to hang them outside for a few hours.

Even if I dried them, they would probably get soaked again tomorrow and need to be washed,

but just like I can't go without eating even though I'll be hungry again, changing the sheets is a routine part of my daily life.

So I picked up the sheets, now a pile of laundry, and headed outside.

I was wearing a large white T-shirt that barely covered my thighs, its neck so wide and stretched out that it seemed to expose my cleavage,

but since I was only going to hang the laundry and come back quickly, I didn't want to fuss over it.

I wasn't going to meet anyone, so I would just go and come back quickly.

“Hello!”

“….”

….

Was it a mistake to have such a carefree thought?

I met someone who spoke to me.

It seemed my thoughts of the neighbor had triggered something.

The man, whose face had turned bright red just like last time, managed to meet my eyes and greet me.

Since he had walked from the opposite direction and arrived at my side,

and unlike last time, he did not ramble or lower his eyes in embarrassment,

…he did not seem to have heard any sounds.

He must have gone out.

Should I be relieved?

Before I could continue my thoughts, I returned the greeting.

“Hello….”

When I greeted him, he seemed pleased, as if it exceeded his expectations.

At the same time, he scanned me with his round eyes, but it wasn't particularly unpleasant.

If I didn't look at such a beautiful face in front of me, he might have thought I was a coward and cursed me inwardly.

However, he was scanning my body, not my face.

He had an innocent look, so when we met, he did not appear to be a shameless person staring at my body's curves.

I realized the reason right after.

My current attire.

Wasn't it… a bit too revealing?

I wanted to hide in a mouse hole.

“…”

“Oh, you look beautiful today….”

He finally looked away, seemingly realizing his rudeness, and began to stutter.

Both of us were deeply flustered, and the conversation continued with small talk about the weather.

It was a clear, sunny day, which I thought was fortunate.

I replied,

“Yes. I came out to do the laundry.”

“Oh, you did the laundry. Ah, that's why I smelled a nice fragrance.”

“Fragrance?”

“Yes, from there.”

He pointed to the bed sheets I was still holding.

Before I could respond, he continued talking.

I could feel that he was enjoying the conversation.

"You must be using a good fabric softener."

“Huh?”

“No? The laundry smells so good.”

I don't use fabric softener.

I dislike the scent and prefer stiff laundry.

Moreover, it was expensive.

I thought it was a waste of money.

If I dried it poorly, it might leave a bad detergent smell, but that could be avoided by drying it properly.

But what was this guy talking about?

“I don't use that….”

“No way. The peach scent is so strong.”

“Huh?”

Is your nose crooked?

As I tilted my head, the man moved closer to me.

He deliberately made sniffing sounds.

“…”

But as I continued to think,

something flashed in my mind.

No way.

Could that peach scent be my smell?

Could it be that I couldn't detect my own smell?

….

….

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Aaaa.

“D-don't sniff…!”

“But it smells so good. Ah, I want to smell more.”

He really lowered his head and brought his nose to the laundry,

so I screamed and pulled away.

The man looked at me with a puzzled expression,

and I hated his innocent face, which seemed to say he knew nothing.

Shocked and unable to speak, I finally managed to say,

“Why are you doing that?”

“It’s sexual harassment….”

“Huh?”

Sexual harassment…!

Author's Note

Thank you, 7Senho, for the 100 coins.

Thank you, KimchiBanana, for the 30 coins.

After sharing a bit of my worries in the last chapter, many people empathized with me.

I'm grateful to everyone who left encouraging comments….

As I mentioned before, I can't come on weekends. If I start writing after work tomorrow, I should be able to post a chapter the day after tomorrow, so,

I'll see you on Thursday. If I'm late or can't come, I'll post a notice.

I'm too sleepy to continue, so I'll stop here.

Thank you for reading.