Chapter 86

86

"Jae-yeon, really, nothing at all?"

[Really nothing? No, why are you suddenly like this?]

"There's no way a person doesn't have any flaws. Did you try digging a bit?"

[Well, I did dig a bit...]

After wiping a few drops of blood from the back of his hand, he put on a mask and left the Korean restaurant.

I chose a path with as few people as possible and called Jae-yeon.

Damn... I flinched every time a car passed.

[They say he gets a lot of variety show offers because he eats a lot... but he turns them all down.]

"......"

[...That's all there is.]

"......You're really going to drive me crazy."

[Ah, I knew you'd react like this, so I didn't want to tell you.]

...Min Jihun is real. That guy showed it to me himself...

'Ghost sighting rumor? Do you think that will work?'

Even if people say Min Jihun has some supernatural power, it doesn't really hurt him much. It would be worse for his image if rumors spread that he's a club troublemaker.

I don't know how he interpreted my frustration, but Jae-yeon said dejectedly,

[If anything comes up, I'll let you know. But I can't promise anything.]

"...Understood. Go in and check."

I hung up immediately and roughly stuffed my phone into my pocket. I bowed my head deeply every time a car passed and walked briskly. Even when a car sped by on the deserted road... the accident came back to mind, making it hard to breathe and my hands tremble.

'My brother... No, no, forget it.'

I wanted to check on him, but seeing me in this state would only worry him. He already carries the weight of the world... I don't need to add to it.

'...Let's go back first. Go back, take a nap, and think.'

My thoughts were tangled, and I couldn't sort them out properly. I kept muttering curses, but as soon as I entered the dorm, I shut my mouth. The sound of the door opening must have been heard, as Kang I-jae came out of his room with headphones around his neck.

"Wow, you came to see the beautiful 20s rapper?"

"......Yeah."

"Did the audition go well~?"

Kang I-jae was making his usual nonsense, but the shock was too great, and I couldn't think of a proper response. I tried to pass by, but Kang I-jae stopped and raised an eyebrow.

"......?"

"......What."

"What is it?"

Kang I-jae, who was looking me up and down with narrowed eyes, was about to say something.

"Why are you breathing so heavily..."

Bam!

'Shit.'

Outside... a car horn blared.

"......"

I thought it was just another hallucination and tried to hide my trembling hands and compose my expression. Kang I-jae took a step and glanced out the window.

There was a car outside, of course.

"What's that car?"

Kang I-jae can see it too.

'It's not a hallucination or an illusion.'

"Ah, it's... a bit noisy."

"......"

"......Yeah."

I tried to sound casual, but my voice wouldn't come out. It was a familiar feeling. I felt like shit.

"Hey, Kang... Kang I-jae, I-jae."

Then I felt my body start to convulse again. I was fine just a moment ago, but hearing that sound made my fingertips turn white and my breath come in short gasps. I didn't even have time to look at Kang I-jae's expression as I asked for help.

"Just a moment, just... I..."

"......"

"What is it? You mean... that thing..."

I needed an envelope, something to help me breathe more deeply...

I was so out of it that I didn't even know if I was talking to the right person or if what I was saying made sense.

"Shit... fuck..."

The sound of the horn kept piercing through my fingers. It was a sound I had heard countless times, but it was exactly the same as the one I heard when I was twenty...

The sound of tires skidding, the sound of hitting the guardrail, the sound of screams echoing... The scene I saw earlier played out in a panoramic view.

"......"

Suddenly, something was shoved in front of my face.

When I felt around with my hand, it made a rustling sound. It was a plastic bag. Without even saying thank you, I grabbed it and started breathing into it, exhaling and inhaling repeatedly.

Slowly, slowly... exhale.

Thinking about what the counselor emphasized before... deeply and calmly...

"......Fuck..."

It's okay, it's okay...

My heart, which had been racing wildly, gradually calmed down. I crouched down, clutching the bag as if it were a lifeline, and breathed.

...Honestly, I don't know how long I was like that.

"......"

When I came to my senses, I was alone.

The curtains were drawn, the window was closed, and the blaring horn had stopped.

The bag had the logo of a convenience store I often visited. I stared blankly at the crumpled bag and rubbed my pale hand.

'It stopped.'

...I felt better now.

After regaining my senses, the first word that came out was...

"......Fuck."

...Of course, it was a curse.

At the same time, I crumpled the bag I had been holding tightly and threw it into the corner. I felt like I would go crazy if I didn't vent.

"Fuck! Fuck! So fucking...!"

After a while of shouting and huffing alone, I buried my face in my hands.

"You, you son of a bitch..."

Yeah, no matter what I do, nothing will change for me.

After a long time, I did some deep breathing and got up. I walked into the room and sat on the bed frame, trying to clear my head.

When a person is pushed to the edge, their thoughts lose balance and spread out in all directions... but now, my muddled mind was gradually clearing up.

And I realized.

'...Am I really fucked?'

Kang I-jae saw everything.

Kang I-jae... fuck, if he tells the team members about this, I might be out.

What kind of person has a panic attack because of hyperventilation? How can someone with issues be accepted as a team member? How can they be trusted? During Shining Star, I caused a commotion, and they told me to believe in myself...

If this gets out, I won't be able to act so boldly anymore. Everyone will insist I go to the hospital no matter what I do.

I...

I don't have the time or the luxury for that.

Then, the door suddenly opened.

Jeong Da-jun, Kim Sung-hyun, and Kang I-jae came in, and Jeong Da-jun plopped down next to me, chattering away.

"Hyung Ho-yun! Did you see your brother well?"

"Wait, hey, Jeong Da-jun, are those my headphones? You said you'd return them, but you still haven't."

"Hehe, Hyung. What's mine is yours, right?"

Still half-dazed, I looked at the noisy members. Seeing them as usual, I didn't feel the same anxiety or strangeness as before. Jeong Da-jun chuckled and argued with Kim Sung-hyun.

"Right, there's no 'mine' or 'yours'... just 'yours' and 'yours', right?"

"Hehe, caught me."

Jeong Da-jun admired the headphones and then turned to Kang I-jae.

"I-jae Hyung, by the way, what were you talking about downstairs?"

"Ah, that noisy car, right?"

Seong Ji-won poked his head through the open door and said,

"I-jae was yelling at them to turn it off?"

The members' gazes turned to the silent Kang I-jae. I thought he might tell them about me lying on the floor, holding a plastic bag, and putting on a show, but...

"......Nope."

His response was unexpected.

"The neighbors have no manners."

Kang I-jae... pretended not to know.

"Yeah, that's true. It was noisy."

Everyone accepted it without much thought. Kang I-jae still stood there, not giving me a single glance.

When I came to my senses, I understood the situation.

'...He's trying to keep it a secret.'

He must have realized I have PTSD from the traffic accident that took my parents' lives.

It was a thoughtful gesture.

Still, I felt dirty.

"What should we do today? It's our day off. Should we practice more?"

"Finally! Da-jun is so motivated."

"Whoa...! What did I just say? Practice on a day off?"

"Brainwashed."

It was already old news, and I never thought it would affect me again.

We even borrowed a van and went on a fun trip. Who would have thought that a car horn would trigger my trauma now?

"......"

I wiped the cold sweat from my forehead and lay down on the bed.

Honestly, I was exhausted.

Of course. After a strange experience, shouting, and hyperventilating...

Jeong Da-jun, losing interest in the headphones, threw them on the bed and moved to a chair, spinning around.

"Hyung Ho-yun! Hyung, by the way, when will the results come out?"

"...What results?"

"The first round drama audition results!"

I had completely forgotten. I sighed and buried my face in the pillow.

"Did you do well? Hyung, you're perfect for that Lee Jung-hoon role! Just showing your face would get you in! Just go and do as we say, and they'll be like, 'Oh, it's Lee Jung-hoon? Passed!'"

"......"

"Hey, Da-jun, calm down."

The other members, sensing my low mood, tried to calm Jeong Da-jun down. But he didn't get the hint and got even more excited.

"If Hyung passes the final round, I'll go play and see Senior Min Jihun~!"

Min Jihun...

That little shit who makes me want to tear him apart.

"......"

But I was too weak, and I just sighed and hid my face even more. Finally, Jeong Da-jun realized something was off and stopped bouncing around.

"...Da-jun."

"Y-Yes, yes?"

A harsh and sharp voice came out of my mouth. Without looking at Jeong Da-jun, I said,

"Sorry, but can you leave?"

"......"

"I'm a bit tired."

I usually spoke roughly but cared for Jeong Da-jun. I never asked him to leave like this, so he was quite taken aback and didn't say anything. Then he asked quietly,

"...What's wrong?"

Usually, if he caused trouble, I would say, "Did I cause trouble, or did you?" and ruffle his hair to lighten the mood, but I didn't want to.

No, I didn't have the energy.

The members, sensing how bad my state was, quickly exchanged glances and gently pushed Jeong Da-jun out of the room.

"Jeong Da-jun, it's not your day. Go, go."

"......Okay."

"Hyung Ho-yun, get some rest~."

Even though I knew I should go out and lighten the mood, I had no energy to speak or make excuses.

...What could I say?

Because of Min Jihun's ability, I saw my parents' accident again... and had a hyperventilation attack?

"You're crazy..."

Forget it. Just leave me alone for now. No matter how much I care about them, they're just four random guys. They'll forget quickly and bounce around the living room again. I sighed and pulled the blanket over me.

Creak.

The door opened. Without opening my eyes, I knew who it was from the footsteps.

Thud. Squeak.

Kang I-jae came back and sat in the chair but didn't ask me why I was like this or if I was okay. He just glanced to see if I was alive and then focused on composing.

After a long time, I did a dry wash and finally managed to speak.

"...Thanks."

"......"

"You saved my life, Hyung."

I tried a simple joke, but Kang I-jae didn't respond. He kept his eyes on the monitor, waiting for me to continue.

"But how did you know I needed the bag...?"

I stumbled over my words, asking for help, but he somehow understood what I needed. I thought he might say something like, "I know how to handle it because it's a common disease in dramas," or make a playful comment to lighten the mood, but... Kang I-jae hesitated.

And he said very carefully,

"...Mom."

"......"

"Mom said... that."

...I couldn't respond, and that was the end of our conversation.

And I understood. We would keep this to ourselves and quietly bury it.

The sound of the mouse clicking, the melody line seeping through the headphones, and the occasional small talk from the living room filled the silence.

.

.

.

After passing out for a while.

Ding!

A quest arrived.