Chapter 33

After putting Kevin to bed, I headed to the kitchen to get a medicinal bath that would help the alcohol wear off. As I used the outside stairs, I suddenly noticed the moon.

It was a full moon in spring.

There were only two days left until the Spring Day Festival.

Lord Joshua must already be back in the castle.

Thinking of Lord Joshua, whom I hadn't seen in a long time, made my heart ache.

Since that night in the capital, my mood hasn't been stable.

Whenever I let my guard down, I realize I feel a heavy, oppressive weight.

As Kevin said, I've been drinking more because I wanted to shake off these feelings.

No matter how much I sing, my heart doesn't feel light.

I sing hymns with a desperate longing. That's why I can't forget these feelings.

But.

When I sing with the awareness of my wounds, it feels like a moment of relief.

I returned to the room, picked up my guitar, and went out to the terrace.

The noise from the tavern downstairs is still audible, but we have the entire upper floor of this inn to ourselves tonight.

I've stationed guards at the stairs leading to the inn, so no one should come up here.

I plucked the strings and sang a song from the play "The Fruit of Asreese."

The third Spring Day Festival is coming soon.

Last year's Spring Day, I played the violin with Lord Joshua at the banquet. Our relationship has changed a lot since then.

At that moment, when he followed my lead, I felt our hearts align for an instant.

Since then, Lord Joshua's attitude toward me has visibly changed, and now he calls me by my name without hesitation.

I can't call him by his name.

Partly because I don't want to violate the rules of my position, but also as a warning to myself for having once hoped that I might marry him, even if it was just for a moment.

I don't want to feel that kind of embarrassing and miserable feeling again.

And yet.

The attitude of Lord Joshua that I heard about from the knights in the capital.

I knew he liked me, but it seems he wants me by his side.

Being favored by the most handsome nobleman of the current generation feels good. But it also creates expectations that go beyond that.

As I grew closer to Lord Joshua, I kept avoiding and suppressing these feelings.

Because I shouldn't have feelings for him.

Because he is someone I can never reach.

And yet.

When he sternly reprimanded Naga for escorting me, and coldly rejected the elder's invitation at the ball, he acted as if I were his possession.

This has been bothering me.

I don't want to have expectations.

I don't want to turn my heart toward Lord Joshua.

Even though I know it will make me feel miserable later. Before I realize it, I'm recalling the times he was kind to me.

Even though I haven't forgotten the misery of that time.

Even though I know he is the insensitive and arrogant person who has bent my life.

I can't forgive you for my sake.

After finishing the song, I let out a long, thin breath.

"Arietti."

I turned around, and there was Lord Joshua.