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Yang Youming’s “Gradual Distance”

With the appearance of Yu Haiyang’s wife, the filming atmosphere gradually turned somber.

Xia Xingcheng was often affected by the movie’s ongoing plot. He’d stay immersed in his role even after the scene was over, all alone, unable to disengage for a long, long time.

Yang Youming wanted to go comfort him, but He Zheng prevented him from doing so, saying that if Yang Youming went, Xia Xingcheng would have an even more difficult time getting out of his character.

He knew He Zheng wasn’t wrong.

In many cases, an actor was most deeply trapped when their character’s emotional entanglement was at its peak. As that entanglement fades, an actor would eventually return to themselves.

In one of the most emotionally-draining scenes, Xia Xingcheng couldn’t stop crying in his arms. Yang Youming didn’t have the heart to push him away, so all he could do was hold Xia Xingcheng and let him cry. Scalding tears fell onto the back of his hand, quickly evaporating and leaving no trace. Nonetheless, that burning sensation never truly disappeared.

Yang Youming sometimes felt that he was already on his way to sobering up, yet sometimes he also felt that he wasn’t awake at all. But no matter what kind of feelings he now harboured for Xia Xingcheng, he was well aware that there would come a day where those feelings would cease to exist. Xia Xingcheng, too, would come out of the act.

He couldn’t help but care about Xia Xingcheng, but they kept an appropriate distance from each other. He knew that Xia Xingcheng had poured his heart and soul into this movie, and was slightly apprehensive towards Xia Xingcheng shifting more and more of his feelings towards him.

Emotions compelled him to approach, but reason kept him at bay.

When they shot the scene at the swimming pool, he deliberately lost the race in order to improve Xia Xingcheng’s mood. When they arrived at the finish line, he leaned against the pool’s edge and watched a delighted Xia Xingcheng. Lowering his head, his lips curled up on their own accord.

That evening, most likely as a result of the heavy physical exertion earlier in the day, Yang Youming suddenly remembered that there was a roadside stall selling late-night snacks that sold some really delicious roasted pork trotters near the hotel, and was immediately struck with a desire to eat them.

He took out his phone and hesitated for a long time before sending an invitation to Xia Xingcheng. He was aware that Xia Xingcheng’s mental state had contributed to bouts of insomnia, so rather than letting him stay cooped up in his room with who knows what thoughts racing through his mind, he thought he’d take him for a walk to help him relax a little.

The roasted pork trotters tasted exactly as he remembered.

Xia Xingcheng was both excited and nervous at the same time. Whenever he fixed his gaze on Yang Youming, it exuded feelings of worship and admiration.

Yang Youming, in fact, understood himself best. Apart from filming, there was nothing particularly fun about his life. He was a homebody, and socialising was always a chore for him. His friends—always the same handful of people—would get together for drinks every now and then, but he preferred to stay at home and listen to music or watch movies the rest of the time.

Yuan Qian had said that she couldn’t feel any excitement coming from him, so she had left.

At present, it seemed that it was useless for Xia Xingcheng to gaze at him so longingly. He knew that he wasn’t the man Xia Xingcheng had envisioned in his heart.

The night air was refreshing, and there were quite a few people near the food stand. But everyone spoke in low whispers, as if they were afraid of disturbing the silence of the night. The stools beneath them were too short for them both and they weren’t very comfortable to sit on, but Yang Youming relished this brief moment in his life nevertheless.

He watched Xia Xingcheng, who was devouring his noodles, and thought to himself that it would be nice if this could go on forever. But he quickly came to his senses and realise that it was impossible. Harbouring such expectations was pointless.

Yang Youming had always thought he was sufficiently sober, but he never anticipated just how easily he could succumb to temptation.

One afternoon, in a secluded alley, Yu Haiyang biked home with Fang Jianyuan.

In the beginning, he’d been immersed in his role, acting according to the script, eager to finish the scene. But things went south when Xia Xingcheng refused to let go of his embrace.

Xia Xingcheng shouldn’t be in this mood, because this scene took place in the first half of the film, when Yu Haiyang and Fang Jianyuan’s feelings were developing. It was a time when Fang Jianyuan was at his happiest.

But Xia Xingcheng had substituted his own emotions into Fang Jianyuan. His arms were wrapped around Yang Youming’s waist, and his face was buried in Yang Youming’s back, unwilling to let go.

Yang Youming had no choice but to stop. He turned to look at Xia Xingcheng and reached out to touch his head.

Following the gesture, Xia Xingcheng lifted his face, his expression tinged with genuine adoration.

For a split second, Yang Youming couldn’t tell whether he was in or out of his character. The subconscious act may have been Yu Haiyang’s, or perhaps it was his—he slowly bent down and kissed Xia Xingcheng’s lips.

Xia Xingcheng kissed him back in an instant, dazed, reluctant to part with his lips.

The kiss went on until He Zheng called for a stop. The instant their lips parted, Yang Youming realised that his head was exceptionally clear. He could hear the insects chirping around him and distinguish each staff member’s expression. He understood the meaning behind the look He Zheng was giving him.

The only thing he didn’t do was look at Xia Xingcheng. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to calm down any further.

That night, He Zheng sought him out.

He Zheng smoked until Yang Youming’s entire suite was completely filled with smoke. Yang Youming, unable to bear it, opened the window.

The two men sat across from each other.

He Zheng said, “I know you’re in deep.”

“Yes,” replied Yang Youming.

“You’ve shot so many films,” He Zheng remarked. “You don’t need me to tell you how to do things. You know how to adjust yourself.”

Yang Youming repeated, “Yes.”

He Zheng didn’t continue. He stared at him, and after a moment, asked, “What’s on your mind?”

Yang Youming said, “Nothing. My scenes are almost done.”

Before leaving, He Zheng patted his shoulder. “Thank goodness you’re sober.”

Yang Youming was too sober. He was sober enough to know that the first time his heart raced outside his role was when Xia Xingcheng cried in front of him, and that that intimate scene in the small cubicle of the hospital bathroom roused his desire for Xia Xingcheng’s body. In truth, it didn’t matter when it started, because the emotions evoked by the film would ultimately fade away one day.

Before he parted ways with the cast and crew, he invited them all to a meal as a sort of farewell party, as was his habit when making movies.

That evening though, he had another farewell. It was between him and Xia Xingcheng.

The matter of his divorce had not been made public. No one in the cast and crew knew, and Xia Xingcheng had no idea either. That evening, he put on a ring. It wasn’t his actual wedding ring, but one that looked a lot like it.

Since this parting was a long time coming, it was better to make a clean break—cutting off Xia Xingcheng’s feelings and his own way out.

They took a seat by the restaurant’s window. He placed his hands on the table, letting Xia Xingcheng see the shiny ring around his finger.

As expected, Xia Xingcheng asked him if it was his wedding ring.

He said that it was.

In that moment, Xia Xingcheng probably thought his feelings of heartbreak and loss were perfectly hidden. In reality, they were all laid bare for Yang Youming to see.

Yang Youming looked at him calmly, thinking to himself that his desire was actually unnecessary, as were his feelings, and that kiss was so unnecessary that He Zheng couldn’t stand the sight of it. Every emotion stemmed from the film, feelings eliciting ideas. It seemed like a difficult feat, but in this industry, it was best to cut it off.

Just as Yuan Qian had ultimately made a clean break with him.

Xia Xingcheng said that he couldn’t go back.

Yang Youming calmly told him that there was nothing he couldn’t go back from.

That evening, after the meal, Yang Youming left the hotel with a wedding ring that no longer existed adorning his finger.

He sat in the car, subconsciously turning the ring on his finger, convinced that this was the most outlandish display of losing control in his entire filming career. He was perplexed. Perhaps it was due to the breakup of his marriage; he was unaccustomed to being alone, so he craved emotional comfort. Or maybe he was born preferring men and had never realised it.

That thought brought a smile to Yang Youming’s face. Eventually, the smile became tinged with pain. He tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and told himself that, since it was over, then it was thoroughly over. The hows and the whys were no longer important.

After all, his life neither revolved around love nor desire. He would be better off withdrawing as soon as he could and never initiate the impossible, rather than plunging headlong into a torment of endless possessiveness, seeking but ultimately failing to obtain it.

That was what Yang Youming had believed, at the time.

He believed that he could really do it.

☆ ☆ ☆

Thank you to Mora for the kofis!

t/n – edited by sofia ❤ sadly, this chapter marks the last of the yang youming pov extras ;_; i’m still dying to know his thoughts when xxc confessed 😦

⟵ Extra I Part 3 | TOC | Extra II Part 1 ⟶

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