We Should Have Slept While Only Holding Hands, And Yet?! Volume 3 Chapter 8

8. Future

✿✿✿

There was a single shadow sitting in a dark room with their back turned towards me. The shadow didn’t even react to the weak light that entered the room once the door opened. I hesitated for a moment, but I eventually opened my mouth.

“Dad.”

There was no response. It made me suspicious as to whether he was even listening to me or not.

After letting out a small sigh, not because of how motionless he was, but rather, in order to soothe my heavy heart, I called out to him again.

“Dad.”

Still no response. I couldn’t bear to listen to the ear-piercing crying any longer. In the end, I decided.

I completely opened the door, grabbed Dad’s shoulder after approaching him, and shook him.

“Dad. Hey, Dad. Answer me.”

He didn’t hear me call out to him, but it seems he was able to come back to his senses once I shook him as he looked up at me with blank eyes.

“Ah, Jaim······.”

“······Pull yourself together.”

He had sunken eyes, incredibly dark, dark circles underneath his eyes, and he had become so thin that his cheekbones jutted out. I still wasn’t used to how his appearance had changed.

Dad smiled as he spoke. If I could call that a ‘smile’.

“I had a nightmare······. Haha, it was an unbelievable nightmare.”

The sound of a baby crying mixed in with his words as he spoke while he gazed at nothing with his dull eyes. I didn’t want to hear either.

“Upperclassman Nabom, you know, she said that Saeyeon was going to die. In 2 years, at that. I wonder how a person could make that kind of joke even in a dream. In any case, I understand why you always disliked her. She’s always joking around. So······.”

“Dad.”

“Listen to me. It was a dream, but it felt strangely real and it was also long, so after that, Saeyeon······.”

“Jaim is crying.”

“Huh? What are you talking about? You’re not crying. More importantly······.”

“······Dad.”

Once I uttered those words, Dad stopped muttering to himself and raised his head.

I let out another sigh and spoke while pointing at the thing he had been embracing.

“······It’s already been 2 months.”

Dad looked down vacantly at the picture he had been holding.

The picture that was taken a long time ago of Mom’s smiling face. The picture Mom liked because she thought it came out the best. The picture Dad also liked because he thought it captured Mom in her prettiest moment. A smile that was so bright, it almost looked stupid.

That’s why we also used it for Mom’s funeral portrait.

Dad stared at the picture in silence.

Jaim’s high-pitch crying pierced my ears. Even though I know that it’s my crying, I felt a surge of annoyance.

People say that the cries of infants are at a frequency that bothers humans the most. It’s because infants don’t have the ability to protect themselves, so humans acquired an evolutionary trait where they would try to resolve any dangerous situation their infants may be in as fast as possible because they believed that was the best way to leave behind descendants or something. I can’t bear this situation if I didn’t think about these sort of pointless pieces of information.

“Dad, Jaim is······.”

Dad continued to look at the picture without budging an inch. As if that was all he was capable of doing right now.

If I think about it, the very fact that I entered the room might’ve been a mistake.

Silently, I left the room and closed the door behind me as if I were confining Dad in darkness. Dad appeared like he still required some time, after all.

I headed towards the kitchen while listening to the ear-piercing sound of crying. I put some powdered formula into lukewarm water and poured it into a baby bottle. I was now capable of distinguishing the cries.

Moreover, aside from this, I’m currently the only reasonably sane person in our house. Dad, grandma, and grandpa are probably still struggling right now. Be it the laundry, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, preparing the meals, and taking care of Jaim, I have to do everything.

I sometimes wonder, it has only been 2 months since Mom had passed away and everyone else was still sad and unable to do anything, and yet, does the fact that I’m able to live normally, even though I’m her daughter, mean that I actually didn’t love Mom? And every time this thought came to my head, I had no other choice but to move my body. That way, I wouldn’t have the time to think.

“Now then, drink up.”

Though she probably didn’t understand me. I held the baby bottle out as I said that. Jaim, who still didn’t have the strength to hold the bottle herself, eagerly sucked on the baby bottle in my hand.

If you think about it, this might be quite the ironic scene. I was giving my younger self teat. Although it was from a baby bottle.

“This is all your fault, Jin Jaim.”

I uttered those words after letting out a contemptuous sigh. Naturally, there’s no way she understood me. Nevertheless, it wasn’t an issue since the other Jaim understood fully well.

This was a bad thought, a cruel and terrible thought, but I sometimes want to wring that neck.

I let out a sigh deep enough to empty out my lungs as I stroked Jaim’s forehead while she continued to eagerly suck on the teat of the bottle.

How did things end up like this?

I never expected this would happen back then.

I thought everything would turn out well.

I believed that everything I had done was meaningful and that things were going well. I sincerely believed this.

“······Why did it end up like this······?”

Jaim didn’t seem to like the drops of formula falling on her face as she started to cry again.

Jaim, was crying.

✿✿✿

I wished this was all a dream.

Everyone has probably experienced something like this before. Even though you know it’s a nightmare, you aren’t able to move your body freely and only the time within your dream continues to flow. You can’t do anything, so you have no other choice but to wait for time to pass until you eventually wake up. A day, a week, a month passed. More time could have passed than this. The concept of time within a dream is vague, after all. I continued to wait while hoping that I would wake up one day.

That’s why I couldn’t get up.

I realized it wasn’t a dream.

To be exact, I realized I couldn’t wake up from this nightmare.

If it’s an endless nightmare, then I could only dream forever.

I raised my body. It was light but incredibly heavy at the same time. I looked at my arm, my twig-like arm. My body was shriveled up. I stumbled my way to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Completely hollow eyes, pitch-black, dark circles underneath my eyes, protruding cheekbones, and my head was almost the exact shape of my skull. The sensation I felt while touching my shaggy beard was weird.

Come to think of it, I couldn’t even properly remember when the last time I had a meal was. I couldn’t remember anything. Be it the last time I drank water or took a shower. If you consider the fact that I’m still alive, then I definitely did all of these things, but the fact that I couldn’t remember any of these things was frustrating.

I washed up, got shaved, made myself something to eat, and drank some water. It’s a good thing I was allowed to take time off from my classes due to Jaim being born. This thought was unbearable, but I continued to eat anyway.

The door opened while I was still eating. No one announced that they were home. There probably was no need to since she thought no one would respond. Jaim quietly entered the house, but her line of sight froze on me. She took a step back in surprise.

“D-Dad······.”

“What?”

I responded to Jaim who seemed surprised to see me as I continued to eat. Looking at the time, her classes must have ended for the day. I was wondering why I couldn’t see her. I got a spoonful of rice and shoved it into my mouth.

“Is it that amazing to see me eat?”

“No, it’s not that······.”

“Yeah, I guess I can’t say much when I look like this. I even surprised myself when I looked in the mirror today. It was a bit scary, too. How could a person change this much in just two months?”

Once I said those words with a wry smile on my face, Jaim carefully sat down at the table while staring at me blankly. She opened her mouth with a worried look.

“······Are you, okay now?”

“There’s no way I’d be okay.”

Jaim promptly shut her mouth after I gave her that curt response. My tone must have sounded a bit aggressive. I got another scoop of rice and shoved it into my mouth.

“It can’t be helped right now.”

“Right now······?”

“More importantly, where’s Jaim? I don’t hear her crying.”

“Ah, grandma came······.”

“Is that so?”

Saeyeon’s mom should be having a hard time as well. She must be pushing herself. However, at the moment, this was good news for me. Taking care of an infant was impossible for me in my current state. For several reasons, at that. I don’t have the time to give her my regards at the moment, so I’ll have to go thank her later. Albeit, she only lives a couple of steps away from us.

“······More importantly, what do you mean by ‘right now’?”

Jaim asked me carefully while being mindful of my reaction. I drank some water because my mouth was full before I answered her.

“Right now, I can’t change what has already occurred.”

“So by ‘right now’······. Wait, don’t tell me.”

Jaim had a blank expression on her face as if she didn’t understand what I was saying before she soon opened her eyes widely in realization. I nodded my head.

“But, they kept telling you back then that you can’t change the future. That you attempted to do so many times before this, but you always failed. And yet······.”

“Then are you satisfied with this?”

Jaim shut her mouth and stopped stammering the instant I gave her that sharp retort. I felt my hands clench up into a pair of fists. I haven’t been cutting them properly as of late, so my long nails stabbed into my palms. I felt like something was going to snap.

“In the first place, if you put it like that······!”

I managed to hold back my anger and hate-filled words because of the way Jaim was looking at me. I clenched my teeth and shoved another spoon full of rice in my mouth instead. I chewed.

“······Well, I’m not satisfied. I’m going to fail? Don’t make me laugh. You don’t know that until I try. That’s also why Upperclassman Nabom came to the past, isn’t it? I have to succeed this time around. We just have to change the past.”

Jaim simply continued to look at me with an empty gaze.

I know. I know that this is just going to make the same events transpire once more. That I would just be repeating the same future which Upperclassman Nabom had told me about. That she had emphasized the fact that the future can’t be changed so that I wouldn’t try to make this decision again.

But, even so.

“I was able to dedicate myself to inventing a time machine and I succeeded in doing so in the end because I didn’t give up right now. As long as I haven’t despaired and given up after a failure, then I haven’t actually failed yet. I’m simply in the process of succeeding. I won’t fall over like this. That’s why you should cooperate with me. We’ll combine our strength and save Saeyeon.”

Once I stated that I needed her, Jaim’s mouth opened slightly.

“······Then how are we going to do this?”

“For starters, before we get into inventing a time machine, there’s something we have to do first.”

“Something we have to do······?”

“Yeah. We can’t raise baby Jaim without a mother figure in her life. Once we genuinely start trying to create a time machine, we won’t have the time to raise Jaim. We can’t raise baby Jaim in an unloved environment like how I was raised or how my future self treated you.”

Jaim was proof that Saeyeon and I loved each other and created a family together. The last proof that Saeyeon left in the world. I don’t want that Jaim to live in the reality where her mom had died.

“What do you······?”

“I have an idea. There’s one more thing I invented besides time machines. Jaim, you said so before, didn’t you? That when you were little, you thought Saeyeon and I broke up. That we once lived as a happy family of three.”

“······Don’t tell me.”

I nodded at Jaim as she had a look of shock on her face as if she couldn’t believe what I was saying.

“If she’s no longer here, then we just have to make her. A Saeyeon.”

Robot maids were, in other words, artificial humans. Humans made from artificial intelligence. Robots that mimicked humans. So that means making a robot that copies Saeyeon wasn’t impossible.

“Dad, are you not in your right mind right now?”

“I know it sounds crazy. There’s no way that this would be sane.”

I know how the result of something similar to this turned out. If a person created a robot that was a spitting image of their deceased wife, then they would naturally appear crazy. That isn’t proof that he loved her. It’s a lingering attachment. An obsession. It becomes even more of a problem if you know what happens as a result of that. Because there’s Jihye. But, even so.

“I’m a twisted human being anyway. I might as well do it. Become the mad scientist I’ve always said I was. If my sacrifice means that everyone could be happy, then I’ll take all the slander.”

If baby Jaim can grow up with a mom, if I can see Saeyeon again, then I didn’t care what other people had to say. It was simply temporary. I just have to use the time machine and succeed in changing the past this time around and save Saeyeon.

“So help me. Don’t you also want to see her again? Saeyeon, your mom. I need your help creating a Saeyeon robot and a time machine. You said that a family problem must be resolved by the family, didn’t you? Let’s save our family with the power of family.”

It might seem weird asking for this much help from a kid who’s still in elementary school, but I know, I know that this isn’t the limit to Jaim’s ability.

A look of contemplation brushed by Jaim’s face. Instead of urging her for a response, I decided to wait. Jaim’s answer had already been determined, after all.

“······Okay.”

She let out a deep sigh, but Jaim still nodded her head. I nodded back. Our direction has been decided. My head was clear. A lot of ideas and potential methods kept coming to my head. It was to the point that it made me wonder if I always had this sort of latent ability.

“By the way, Dad.”

“What?”

Jaim turned to look at me again after getting up from the table.

“Should I get you some side dishes?”

I looked down at the dining table once she asked that. I realized I had been eating only plain rice until now.

✿✿✿

3 year passed.

“I’m home~.”

“I’m hawm!”

Saeyeon and Jaim announced as they walked through the door. This meant that they were back from the preschool. I stepped out of my room and caught Jaim with a smile as she ran up to me for a hug.

“Did you have fun today at preschool?”

“Yeah! We pwayed hide and seek!”

It must be because she was still three years old, but Jaim fumbled with some of her words. This was also adorable, so I did my best to smile. I have to think that she’s cute.

“Now then, Jaim. If you just came home, then you have to wash your hands and brush your teeth, right?”

Saeyeon received Jaim from me and smiled. She still ends up nearly taking a shower whenever she tries to wash her face, but Saeyeon started to head towards the bathroom with Jaim who still preferred her strawberry toothpaste whenever she brushed her teeth.

“Jjaro, how about taking a break as well? I’m going to give Jaim some snacks.”

“All right. I’ll take a short break, then.”

Saeyeon beamed once she heard my response and closed the bathroom door.

Her actions were natural, her expressions were natural, and the way she spoke was also natural. She didn’t get my nickname wrong either. Our relationship was the exact same.

I did upgrade her a bunch of times, but she was so perfect that it was almost hard to believe that I had made her in half a year’s time. I can’t even compare her to the toy-like prototype version which I had made before entering university.

I stopped counting how many times I had a bloody nose, vomited, and passed out during that half a year’s time, but it was all worth it.

I created her personality based on what I remembered of Saeyeon’s memories. I created her appearance based on the pictures of her. Thanks to this, even I sometimes feel like Saeyeon is still alive.

“Now then, Jaim. Let’s have some snacks~.”

“Isn’t it a bit weird to give her snacks after making her brush her teeth?”

“Oh, is it? Ehehe······. Still, she can just brush her teeth again.”

Saeyeon scratched her head as she said that with a smile.

Instead of being perfect like a machine, I made her purposely make these sort of mistakes. To make her seem more human, more Saeyeon-like. I didn’t make her into a perfect robot maid, I made a robot into a perfect Saeyeon.

“In any case, take a seat, Jjaro. I baked them myself, so they should suit your taste as well. Eating snacks like this as a family is nice, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It ain’t bad.”

“All right, Jaim, say ‘ah’~.”

“Aaaah~.”

Saeyeon placed the cookies she had baked and some juice on the table before sitting down next to me. She then started feeding Jaim. She picked a cookie up and put it in Jaim’s mouth. The taste was different from the cookies which Saeyeon had made in the past, they tasted like they could have been baked at a professional establishment.

“I finished cleaning the house, doing the dishes, and doing the laundry, so what should I do now?”

Although this part of her wasn’t Saeyeon-like.

Saeyeon couldn’t cook. She couldn’t clean, do the dishes, or do the laundry either; however, this Saeyeon was good at everything. Obviously, it’s thanks to the fact that she’s a robot. I wanted to at least properly give her these functions.

Because I needed her for the role of raising Jaim properly and nurturing her. If time passed, Saeyeon would have probably also become this skilled as a housewife.

Albeit, I don’t think she actually would have.

“What’s wrong, Jjaro?”

······This cookie is tasty.

Saeyeon asked me as I absentmindedly stared at the cookie which I had taken a single bite out of. Saeyeon’s face, Saeyeon’s voice, but a robot that was an imitation of Saeyeon. This gap occasionally brewed a strange emotion inside of me. Like now.

I stood up. Saeyeon opened her eyes wide in surprise. Jaim continued to munch on her cookie happily, completely oblivious of what was happening.

“Ah, sorry. I just remembered that I have some work to do. I have to go to the company.”

“Do you mean the phone call earlier? Didn’t you say that you were going to work at home today?”

“I told you. I just remembered that I have some work to do. Look after Jaim and play with her, okay? I might be late, so if I don’t call you, then have dinner without me.”

“O-Okay. It can’t be helped if it’s your work.”

She looked disappointed, but it wasn’t long before she smiled again and nodded. If it were Saeyeon, then she would have probably been a bit more clingy and selfish. Or make a joke about whether I had another woman at work or not.

If it’s another woman, then there is one.

Saeyeon followed behind me as I got up from my seat and handed me my coat.

“Here. Ehehe······.”

She looked as if she enjoyed doing these sort of small, wife-like tasks. Saeyeon didn’t do these sort of things. That expression made that weird emotion stir inside of me even more, so I quietly let her put the coat on me before leaving the house.

I graduated from my university in only 2 years. I didn’t go to grad school. I refused all of the offers from the research centers that tried to hold on to me. In truth, I only received my diploma after sending my research result of developing Saeyeon. I stopped attending my classes properly ever since Saeyeon died, after all. Instead, just like what Jihye had once told me before, I established a company that developed and sold robot maids. That was 2 years ago. The company which I had first started in a small storage facility was now on the rails and could even function without me. Honestly, I made so much money now that I didn’t have to live in this old apartment complex.

Thanks to this, I had the time and funds to research time machines.

So far, this was all going according to my plan, and it was also in accordance to the future which I already knew about.

The important part was almost here. I stepped on the gas.

✿✿✿

“Oh, Dad!”

Jaim ran up to me and hugged me the instant I opened the door and walked through it. I have to admit that the strength of middle school students is sometimes overwhelming. I understand her feelings, though. I furtively pushed Jaim off from my arm.

“Don’t hang on to me. It’s because you do this that I had to go to the police station that one time because they thought I was having an illicit relationship with a minor.”

“I’m a middle school student and you’re an adult, so it’s a given that there’d be a misunderstanding. There’s also the fact that you have the spare key to the home of a girl who lives by herself and you visit her often.”

Jaim complained as she pouted a bit. That’s true. From other people’s perspectives, she might seem like a person I’m having an illicit relationship with or a lover.

It has also been 3 years since Jaim started to live by herself. She started to live in the same exact room that Upperclassman Nabom had rented a long time ago. If young Jaim and old Jaim lived in the same house, then that wouldn’t align with Jaim’s memories as a child. Saeyeon also can’t know. It might have been cruel of me to make a girl live by herself starting from elementary school. Similar to how I had managed, I believed that Jaim could manage this much as well.

“So, there was a reaction?”

“That’s the first thing you’re going to say when we haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks?”

“I came here because you called me.”

“Still, if you haven’t met your daughter in a while, then shouldn’t you be asking things like, ‘How was school?’, ‘How have you been?’, ‘Are you getting along with your friends?’, or ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’? That’s what the dads who live apart from their daughters usually ask in the movies. I did really well on the test this······.”

“Jin Jaim.”

Annoyed, teasing, and delighted, these emotions brushed by Jaim’s face as she spoke; however, her face stiffened once I cut her off.

“······All right. I’ll stop messing around.”

Jaim would become energetic like this whenever the gaps between my visits grew longer. Although this might be an activeness and adorableness that befitted a middle school student, more importantly, it seems she wanted me to visit more.

I’ve experienced something like this as well, so I knew what she was going through.

“It’s just as you theorized, Dad. The test to send something back in time was a success. It didn’t disappear or change in form like last time.”

“How about an error in the memory?”

“Nothing in particular. It seems information contamination doesn’t occur when the banana I picked 30 minutes ago was back in its original spot.”

Jaim answered while looking around her small single-room house that was filled with equipment and machinery. It must have been Jaim’s own sense of humor that made her use a banana as a test subject. Or she was looking forward to my reaction.

The development of a time machine was being done in Jaim’s room.

I couldn’t let Saeyeon or the young Jaim know about it. Well, I do research on trivial parts at home, though.

I couldn’t do this thoughtlessly in my company’s research lab. My goal isn’t the fame that comes from inventing a time machine. I’ll be satisfied if I can just use it once to go back in time and save Saeyeon. I didn’t need something that sounded grandiose like the Time Bureau, nor did I need to make Jaim become Upperclassman Nabom. It’s fine as a secret between just me and Jaim.

At first, even I thought it was impossible.

I knew that I was going to create time machines in the future, and I knew it was actually possible. Because Jaim was here, because Jaim, who had used one to travel back in time, was next to me right now.

Nevertheless, inventing a time machine which every great scholar in the world agreed to be impossible felt like a dream.

Honestly, I despaired a couple of times. I became discouraged.

However, my determination to save Saeyeon grew stronger.

This was a cruel story. I couldn’t think of anything when Saeyeon was alive, but once Saeyeon was gone from my side, that truth actually fueled me.

The fact that my potential bloomed when my ability was no longer needed.

“The issue is whether it’s possible for a person to travel back in time.”

“It’s also an issue on whether we can travel far into the future. There’s a limit to doing experiments with inanimate objects. Moreover, the important part is whether the past can be changed or not.”

“As I thought, do we need to test it ourselves now······.”

It might be possible to do a test using a guinea pig, but the most important thing was whether a person could go back in time and change the future.

“On that topic, Dad.”

Jaim looked straight at me and spoke once I muttered those words.

“What if I use it myself?”

“······What?”

I turned to look at her in surprise, having heard something completely unexpected.

“I’m saying that I’ll test the time machine out myself.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

I snapped.

“You don’t know what it could do or what could happen. We don’t even know if it’s safe yet. There’s no reason for you to go out of your way to test it now.”

“But no one else can test it for us.”

“If anything, I’ll test it myself.”

“You can’t.”

Jaim shook her head.

“If you travel back in time using the time machine, time will continue to flow in the present. If you disappear all of a sudden, then that’ll cause a big uproar. You should also know what sort of position you’re in right now, don’t you? Not only do you have a robot of Mom and young Jaim, but you’re also a famous scientist who invented robot maids. If you disappeared, then the police might step forward. On the other hand, I’m just a single middle school student, aren’t I? You can vouch for me and you could also make up an excuse like I went to study abroad. Also.”

After giving a light shrug, Jaim spoke while smiling wryly.

“You also know that Big Sis Nabom traveled back in time, right? Big Sis Nabom must have definitely made the same decision as me since she’s also me. But the fact that I’m still fine in the future means that I return safely after traveling back in time, right?”

“Stop messing around. Aren’t we creating this time machine so that something like that doesn’t happen? If we do that under that pretext, then, in the end, the future won’t change.”

She had a point. Jaim becomes Upperclassman Nabom because nothing happened while she lived through that period of time, but acknowledging this meant that that same future would occur. We were creating a time machine in order to avoid that.

“I’m saying that we should just do a simple test right now. There shouldn’t be a problem if I only go back in time by 30 minutes and come back, right?”

“Let’s discuss this later.”

I cut Jaim off as she was trying to persuade me.

“There’s no need to hurry. We only managed to succeed in sending an object back in time just now. After we make sure it’s safer, we can use live test subjects like a guinea pig later, but once we confirm that there’s no problem with sending living beings back in time, then you can go.”

“But······.”

I spoke up before Jaim could comment.

“Saeyeon is dead. There’s no need to hurry now.”

“······.”

Jaim froze. I also froze because of my words.

Yeah. Saeyeon is dead. It’s already been 3 years.

Saeyeon has already died, so there’s no need to hurry. The fact that Saeyeon is dead won’t change. She’ll stay dead forever.

I was right. It was the truth. But, regardless.

I couldn’t forgive myself for saying that.

I could believe or forgive myself for uttering those words with my mouth, for even thinking that.

“Oh, r-right, Dad. Do you want to have dinner here before you go?”

I couldn’t forgive Jaim who was also doing her best to smile as she spoke.

“······I was planning to. What were you going to have?”

This isn’t the same as before. I’m not a kid anymore. I couldn’t stay as a child. It can’t be helped. I have to accept the truth. I just have to smile until the end. I just have to win in the end. In the world and everything else. I have to smile until then.

“I was going to have ramen.”

“······All right. Ramen isn’t bad every once in a while.”

I sat down. This was comfier than the delicious dinner made by Saeyeon.

✿✿✿

I met Saeyeon’s dad by pure chance.

I would go on walks occasionally. Whenever it was difficult to stay home, I found myself wandering here and there throughout the neighborhood.

Unintentionally searching for someone whom I knew wasn’t there.

Every place she once was.

The preschool, elementary school, middle school, and high school that Saeyeon went to. The storage facility which I had used as a club room and was once the place I belonged in, the supermarket we would go together to for groceries, the bridge above a brook which we shared a lot of memories at when we were little, the bus stop, the snack bar that made good spicy rice takes, and also, the playground.

“······What are you doing here?”

I saw a back sitting on a pair of swings that was letting out an annoying screeching sound as it slowly moved back and forth. The small hunched back which I’ve seen a lot.

“Ah······. It’s you, Jaro.”

Saeyeon’s dad turned away once he saw it was me. He should still be at work around this time. Well, I can’t say much when I only go to work whenever I felt like it. I sat in the swing set next to Saeyeon’s dad without a word. I felt like I had to for some reason.

“It’s been a while.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve dropped by more often.”

“It’s fine. You’re a busy person.”

Albeit, I didn’t really go see him that often before either. He looked older than I remembered.

“What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t feel well today, so I left work early, but I saw this place on my way back home and decided to sit down and take a short break.”

The swings creaked. Saeyeon’s dad looked at the empty playground and spoke.

“There aren’t a lot of kids these days.”

“Kids these days prefer playing games. They’re probably also busy going to cram school.”

“That’s true.”

A tired smile appeared on Saeyeon’s dad’s lips before he muttered in a low voice.

“If there were kids here, then it would have probably made this harder for me to bear.”

I immediately knew what he was talking about. He played with Saeyeon here a lot, after all. He was most likely referring to that.

“It’s weird. It’s already been 3 years. I was fine for a while.”

“······Yeah.”

“I already experienced something like this before, so I thought it would be easier this time since I was able to overcome it back then, but it’s gradually becoming unbearable.”

“······Did something happen?”

I knew that I was being insensitive. He was obviously here because something happened. I couldn’t do anything for him even if he told me about it.

“It’s just, watching Jaim grow up is probably what’s making me feel like this. She came over to our house with that robot to play yesterday.”

Saeyeon’s dad let out a weak laugh.

“She really does resemble Saeyeon. I know it’s a bit late. Haha······. It’s weird that I’m only noticing this now after so much time has passed.”

I sometimes wonder if Saeyeon’s dad is the one who’s having the hardest time.

When Saeyeon was still in preschool, Saeyeon’s dad lost his wife. He got remarried for Saeyeon’s sake. However, he even lost that daughter of his 3 years ago. He lost both his precious wife and daughter.

Saeyeon’s dad glanced at me and smiled bitterly.

“Did you know? I actually didn’t like you that much, Jaro.”

“······I figured.”

A brat who lived next door. A kid who fought with his daughter when they were little, the boy who his adorable daughter liked, and the same boy who suddenly brought over a little girl saying that she was their daughter who came from the future. I married his daughter, and his daughter died.

If I were just a daughter thief, then he could have probably endured it as long as I made his daughter happy. But I didn’t. Additionally, adding salt to the wound, I created a robot that was an exact replica of his daughter and I also made that robot act like his daughter. I wonder how this person felt about this.

“Still, I’m grateful that you were around.”

That’s why those words were harder for me to bear than if he were to have sworn at me.

“My wife······. The woman who passed away always wanted a son. But well, it isn’t easy raising another child, so she simply left it as a desire. So when you started living next door, Jaro, she was happy saying that ‘she got a son for free’.”

“Really, that person······. What does she mean by free······.”

This was discourteous towards the person who had passed away, but I laughed. Fortunately, instead of reprimanding me, Saeyeon’s dad laughed as well.

“Haha, that sounds like something she’d say, right? In any case, that’s why she thought of you as her son. So when I complained about how you and Saeyeon would always be together, she told me to think of you as our son as well.”

Saeyeon’s dad raised his head and stared at the sky as he continued.

“Since she told me to, I decided to think of you as our son. That’s why it was a bit weird when Saeyeon told us that she liked you and was going to marry you. It sort of felt like our son and daughter were getting married. It’s funny, isn’t it?”

His laugh started to gradually sound faint. I could only hear the sound of creaking.

“······Every time I see that robot, every time I see that robot pretending to be Saeyeon, it’s hard. Whenever she pretends as if she doesn’t know anything and calls me ‘dad’ with a smile on her face, it’s really, hard······.”

He nearly sounded as if he were groaning at the end. In the end, Saeyeon’s dad dropped his head. Despite hearing his muffled crying, I couldn’t do anything.

“Yesterday, she came over with Jaim and happily talked about stuff that happened when Saeyeon was little. You really are amazing, Jaro. She was able to talk about even trivial things as if she had experienced them herself······. She wasn’t even slightly off······. It truly, felt as if Saeyeon was the one talking······!”

This was probably why, it became too hard for him to bear.

“The fact that she would smile at me and ask ‘Isn’t that right?’ made it even more······! The Mrs. smiled at that time, but she wound up crying in her room later. Once the robot saw that, since she didn’t know anything······ she comforted her and asked her why she was crying, but even that······. I can’t watch this anymore······.”

I know what I’ve done.

How insane it is, how cruel it is.

“······Can you just stop now······?”

Saeyeon’s dad pleaded in a weeping voice.

“Even if Saeyeon has passed away or disappeared, people can still survive. I assure you this, so you can believe me. If that’s too hard, then it’s fine to find someone else. I know what you probably feel whenever you see Jaim. You cherish Saeyeon that much, after all. But still······.”

Jaim had asked something similar as well.

How about we stop now?

“······I know very well that you love Mom, Dad.”

On that day, while we were eating ramen, she spoke hesitantly while being mindful of my reaction, but she continued as if she still had to say it.

“It’s not like I don’t want to save Mom. I want to see Mom live and live happily together with you, Dad. But······. There isn’t only a single type of happiness.”

She might be right.

No, that was probably the answer.

Jaim looked at me with sad eyes and spoke.

“You can be happy even without Mom. I know very well that you love Mom, so it doesn’t matter if you find someone else and be happy with them. Jaim is still young so she might not understand, but I guarantee you that she’ll definitely come to understand one day. Or I’ll replace Mom. I’ll live together with you and young Jaim and make you happy.”

This might be the way to change the future.

To accept Saeyeon’s death and, instead, live happily with my current family. To cherish both the young and old Jaims. If that was too hard, then, as everyone else had suggested, I could find another person to love. This was also definitely an option. If anything, it was an easy option.

But if I were going to do that, then I would have made a different choice already.

I can’t now. I’ve already missed several opportunities to do so.

“······Don’t worry.”

I stood up and made a promise to Saeyeon’s dad as he looked up at me.

“I’ll definitely save Saeyeon.”

Once I uttered those words, Saeyeon’s dad finally cried out loud.

✿✿✿

“Oh, Jjaro! Long time no see!”

Nanda welcomed me warmly. Does this guy not age? Nanda spread his arms out to hug me, so I did the same and hugged him back. It’s fine for friends to do this. It truly has been a while since we last met.

“Did something happen? You usually don’t invite me out like this.”

“Hahaha, have you been busy? You’re getting straight to the point.”

Nanda chuckled and took a seat. He gestured for me to sit down as well so I did.

“It’s just been a while since we last had a drink together, so I invited you. We haven’t seen each other in a while because we’ve both been busy, so I wanted to catch up.”

I suddenly received a phone call in the middle of the night and I realized it was Nanda when I checked the number to see who it was. The reason for the call was basically an invitation to go out and have a drink since it had been a long time since we last met. I had no reason to refuse an invitation from a friend I hadn’t seen in a while.

“More importantly, is it okay for you to come to a place like this?”

“There are times when popular stars also drink alcohol. I prefer places like this over expensive and popular places. I like this kind of style as well.”

“As expected of a trot singer, you also have the taste of an old man.”

The place Nanda had invited me to was a cart bar. There weren’t a lot of people who went out of their way to drink in a place like this, so the place was rather empty. It was so empty that, other than the owner of the bar, we were the only other people here. Certainly, this kind of place might be better for someone famous. If we went to a place with a lot of people, then he might get recognized.

“Seriously, we both became quite the impressive people.”

“I feel a bit nervous with a famous star in front of me.”

“Haha, don’t try to be modest. It doesn’t suit you. You’ve appeared on TV a lot as well, so you’re also famous, Jjaro. Not only are you a young, genius scientist, but you’re the CEO of a large company as well.”

Just as everyone from the future had said, Nanda became a famous singer. Just as Jaim had once said, he appeared in the world of singers like a shooting star. In less than a week, he sold over a million copies of his first album. 2 years have passed since then and he was now fully recognized as a national singer.

“I heard that you’re going to go global soon.”

“I have to do my best. Just as I was told before, my goal is to become a world star.”

If you think about it, this was really impressive. Both Nanda and I were now in our early twenties and we were both able to achieve our dreams like this. We became people who others couldn’t look down on. Albeit, I’m still not used to sharing a glass with Nanda like this. This guy doesn’t age, so he looks like he did back in high school.

We continued to chat as we drank.

About how we’ve been doing lately, how our work was going.

We even reminisced about our time back in high school.

Drinking alcohol with my one and only friend wasn’t that bad.

My emotions which have been a mess as of late also eased up due to the alcohol, and we laughed out loud about even the most trivial of things.

Yeah. This wasn’t bad.

At one point, I thought I would no longer be able to get a drink with Nanda like this. If anything, there was a time I was going to tell Nanda that he wasn’t my friend in a place like this. I’m genuinely glad that I didn’t.

Alcohol called for more alcohol, we still had a lot we wanted to share with each other, and the number of empty bottles increased. I was starting to become intoxicated, so I unintentionally started to grin.

“······By the way, I haven’t seen the older Jaim lately.”

My smile disappeared a little once he said that. I grinned again before I answered him.

“We can’t bring a middle school student out to drink with us, now can we?”

“I think it’s been more than 2 weeks since I last saw her.”

“······Have you been keeping in touch with her?”

Nanda shrugged. His face was red because of the alcohol, but his eyes were still clear.

“Well, true to her title, she’s my very first fan. She came to see all of my performances ever since my debut, and I’ve gone to visit her a couple of times as well. Oh, don’t get any weird ideas.”

“I never had any weird ideas.”

My intoxicated mind started to gradually clear up. If I think about it now, it was clear that he wanted to talk about this since the moment he invited me. Why? How should I respond? A bar is a comfortable place. If I have to, I could avoid the topic by pretending to fall asleep.

“On that topic, Jaim is also rather impressive. She’s had two famous young guys in her room. Wait, that sounds weird. I don’t mean that in a weird way either.”

So I decided to act like I was drunk and also change the topic at the same time. Nanda frowned because of my reaction, but he didn’t say anything more about it; however, he brought up a different topic instead.

“Jjaro, you’re still trying to change the past, aren’t you?”

“······.”

There’s no way he wouldn’t know. He knew the situation, after all. He also said that he’s been to Jaim’s room. He probably brought that up beforehand in order to prevent me from making up an excuse. Thanks to this, I missed the opportunity to respond.

“I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a while now, but······.”

Nanda filled his empty glass and spaced out his words as he spoke. It looked like he was carefully selecting his words.

“Isn’t it fine to stop now?”

······As I thought, you’re going to tell me that too, huh?

“I wanted to tell you this ever since you told me you were going to make a Saeyeon robot, but······. I wanted to at least say this to you now even if it’s late.”

Nanda refilled my glass and continued as if this wasn’t easy for him to talk about either. Nanda has been starring in TV dramas lately as well, so I had no way of knowing how much of this was an act. I wonder if the alcohol in my system is the reason why I’m thinking like this. Or is it because I’m a twisted human being? It’s probably both.

“I didn’t stop you back then because I thought you were also struggling. Of course, the fact that Saeyon······ died, shocked me as well. That’s why I thought you would gradually come to your senses through the passage of time and stop by yourself.”

Nanda calmly continued while brushing his finger around the edge of his glass.

“But······. I invited you out like this because I felt like if I didn’t speak to you now, you’ll never stop. I’m sorry for bringing this up when we were having such a pleasant chat, but bringing this up isn’t easy for me either.”

“······.”

It was too late to act drunk and fall asleep. Nanda spoke carefully while keeping an eye on my face.

“······It’s already been 3 years. You can let it go now.”

“Let it, go······?”

Once Nanda saw me twitch, he thought for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah. You can let it go now. No one is going to blame you, Jjaro.”

“······So, is that what you’re trying to say?”

I have to stay calm. I’m not a kid anymore. He’s my one and only friend. He hasn’t said anything wrong, either. He’s definitely making a sound argument right now.

“Are you trying to tell me that the 3 years I spent trying to save Saeyeon, no, everything I’ve done until now was all pointless······? That all of my emotions until now were simply the lingering attachment of a child and that I shouldn’t have done all these things······?”

“······That’s not what I’m saying.”

I know I have to stay calm. I know this isn’t what he’s trying to say, but.

Once I grabbed my glass with my trembling hand, Nanda let out a deep sigh and spoke reluctantly as if he, at the very least, didn’t want to say this.

“It’s just, Saeyeon probably wouldn’t want to see you acting like this, either.”

I couldn’t hold back any longer. I was at my limit.

Crash! The owner of the bar turned around the instant he heard glass shattering.

“Don’t make me laugh! What do you know?!”

Nanda didn’t say anything in response as if he expected me to react like this.

“······Relax and sit down. Mr. Owner, can we have another glass?”

Nanda spoke to the owner in a calm tone. Even his coolheadedness annoyed me. This guy has always been like this.

After receiving the glass from the hesitant owner, Nanda filled it with alcohol and passed it over to me as he spoke.

“Then, Jjaro, do you think Saeyeon would be happy if she saw what you were doing?”

Of course not. I knew that much at least.

“Do you think Saeyeon would want you to make a copy of her, deceive Jaim, and torment yourself to no end?”

Of course not. I knew this better than anyone else.

“I’ll be honest, your actions right now don’t look sane at all. You made a replica of your wife, taught your daughter that it’s her mom, and told the people around you to treat her like your wife. You don’t even care about your own daughters. You’re worse than your parents.”

I know very well, that my actions are hurting everyone.

“Isn’t this enough? Everyone knows that you did your best. You can stop now. Or do you intend to repeat everything again? Jaim goes to the past because her dad doesn’t love her, old Jaim becomes Upperclassman Nabom in the future and goes to the past, and Saeyeon dies. When will you be satisfied? There are times when stopping is the answer.”

I didn’t think this guy knew this much.

To think he would say this to me despite knowing all that.

“······It must be great being you.”

So I let out a hollow laugh and spoke.

“You can just give up without having to put up a fight.”

Nanda’s expression changed.

“······What?”

“Am I wrong? Even when it came to Saeyeon, you handed her to me without putting up a fight. You acted like you were on a high horse by yourself.”

Right now, that expression Nanda was making that looked like he had just received a blow was satisfying.

I smirked. I emptied my glass before I looked straight at Nanda and spoke in the most mocking tone I could muster.

“You were actually frustrated, weren’t you? The fact that I was the one at Saeyeon’s side. Even though I’m just a childhood friend. You also liked Saeyeon all the same, but because you could tell that Saeyeon had chosen me, you gave up without putting up a fight!”

“······Jjaro, you!”

Nanda stood up as well.

This guy probably knows. There’s no way he doesn’t.

I was hitting him where it hurt the most, after all.

“I just chose the option where Saeyeon would be the happiest since she liked you, since she wanted to stay by your side!”

“Yeah. You probably rationalized it like that, but you actually did that because you didn’t want to lose, right? You just felt like you’d lose if you fought for her, so you decided to act like the good guy and watch from the side while pretending to be a supposed ‘nice friend’!”

Since a long time ago, I’ve always disliked this about him the most.

Even though he had always wanted to be by Saeyeon’s side.

Even though he wanted to take my place and be together with Saeyeon.

He’d always glance at Saeyeon, do whatever he could to lengthen his time together with Saeyeon, and always worried about Saeyeon.

Despite all this, he suppressed those desires of his and simply kept watch.

Because he was afraid of losing. Because that might make our relationship awkward. Because he thought he wouldn’t be able to stay at Saeyeon’s side as her ‘friend’.

“If you resolved yourself, if you tried to fight me even once, then this probably wouldn’t have happened! This is what you’re upset about, isn’t it?!”

He could have won.

He wouldn’t have lost.

Be it appearance, personality, ability, and anything else, there’s nothing he would have lost to me in.

If this guy had taken Saeyeon away, then none of this would have happened.

He would have made Saeyeon happy, been a good husband, and been a good dad. Different from me who didn’t do anything for her.

Even if Saeyeon died while she was with him, this guy would have probably accepted it.

Contrary to what I did, he would have probably comforted the people around him instead. He would have cherished the people he still had over the ones that were gone but while also not forgetting about Saeyeon.

“I don’t care about that!”

Nanda grabbed me by the collar. The table shook and an empty bottle rolled on the floor. This was my first time seeing Nanda look this angry. Nanda’s anger-filled expression, which was normally calm, looked funny so I laughed.

“I hit you where it hurt, huh?”

“Yeah! Fine! Just as you said, I gave up on going after Saeyeon! I didn’t bother fighting you for her! But what does that have to do with the current situation?!”

I grabbed Nanda’s arm which had been holding my collar and spoke as I tightened my grip.

“I, won’t, give, up. Be it the world or fate, I’ll beat them all. I’ll save Saeyeon.”

Nanda snorted as if he were pitying me.

“Are you still acting like a chuunibyou at your age? Save her? From what? Are you going to save her from death? Just stop it already! It’s not like you’re unaware of how your actions are making the lives of the people around you difficult!”

Saeyeon’s parents who have to watch a robot pretend to be their daughter. Young Jaim who knows nothing and believes a robot is her mom. Old Jaim who hasn’t been able to live her own life because of me. I know. I know as well.

“But all I have is Saeyeon!”

The only person in the world to have needed me.

The only person in the world to have accepted me.

We weren’t simply a husband and wife. Saeyeon was everything to me. The one and only meaning to my existence.

Despite all this, I wasn’t able to do anything for her.

I hurt her since she was young, made her feel distressed, and controlled her however I pleased. All for a bastard like me.

That’s why I wanted to keep paying her back throughout the rest of our lives. I wanted to keep my promise with Saeyeon’s mother. I had promised her.

And Saeyeon died because of that greed of mine. She vanished.

“I won’t give up like you! I won’t lower my tail and say that this is good enough without a fight!”

Everyone has been telling me to give up. That this was more than enough.

I know they’re telling me this because they’re worried about me, but I didn’t need this sort of consideration. I won’t back down.

If I intended on doing so, then I would have given up sooner.

If I had given up the moment I found out about Saeyeon’s death.

If I had given up and didn’t get involved with her anymore, treated her coldly, and supported her relationship with Nanda.

If I had given up and saved Saeyeon’s life, even if it meant that Jaim would no longer exist, and hoped for the two of them to live happily.

If I forget about Saeyeon right now and live happily with the two Jaims and give up like that, then there would be many opportunities to change the future.

But it’s all too late. I can’t do that now.

Because I’m a twisted human being.

I’m a broken human being who can’t be satisfied unless I either have everything in my hands or destroy it all.

Thus, I shouted at Nanda.

“In the end, you’re also frustrated about that, aren’t you?! You’re jealous! Because I’m thinking about Saeyeon more! Because I haven’t given up like you and I’m still thinking about Saeyeon! You’re venting your anger out on me because, in the end, you can’t do anything and you feel pathetic about only being able to watch from the······uhk!”

In the end, a fist flew at me. I could taste some blood in my mouth. This guy hit me seriously this time. My glasses flew off. My vision was blurry.

“I’ve misjudged you, Jin Jaro. I was wrong.”

As Nanda looked down at me with an unreadable expression that was both sad and angry, he spoke as I wiped the corner of my mouth.

“When I met you for the first time, I thought you would become a better person as time passed. I thought you were a good friend.”

“······You already know, don’t you?”

I spat on the ground with some blood mixed in it and glared at Nanda.

I said the lie which I’ve always wanted to say since a long time ago.

“I’ve never considered you as my friend.”

Nanda’s expression changed the instant those words left my mouth.

That’s right. This is the face I wanted to see. I’ve always wanted to see this look appear on his face for a long time now.

I don’t have a clear memory of what happened after this.

Fists flew a couple of times, the table was flipped, and the owner was pushed away when he tried to stop us. I think this was what basically happened.

I glared down at Nanda who had fallen to the floor and wiped the blood off the corner of my mouth. Nanda didn’t get up anymore. He simply stared up at the ceiling vacantly. He didn’t groan in pain or shout angrily at the sky for having lost like I did that one time.

I couldn’t go home with broken glasses and bruises everywhere, so I decided to sleep at Jaim’s place since she was out testing the time machine.

I couldn’t bear to let the young Jaim see me like this nor could I bear to see the robot pretending to be Saeyeon worry about me.

“······Let’s never meet again, Jaro.”

Those were Nanda’s last words to me.

“I don’t want to ever be involved with you ever again. I don’t even want to remember everything we’ve gone through together until now.”

“Sure.”

I nodded.

Like this, I understood why I wasn’t friends with Nanda in Jaim’s memories.

I could only laugh.

✿✿✿

“Ah, Jjaro, you’re pretty late today, huh?”

Another couple of days went by.

“Work ended late. Is Jaim asleep?”

Nothing good came out when the news that a famous scientist, who was the CEO of a successful medium enterprise, got in a fight with a famous star, who was making a global debut, at a bar. The incident was treated as if it never happened before long. Similar to how my relationship with Nanda also became as if it never happened.

“Mhm. It’s late already. Did you have dinner?”

Saeyeon smiled innocently. As expected of a good wife. She didn’t get mad or grow suspicious of her husband even though he had come home late. She didn’t get mad even when I had been gone for several days.

“No, it’s all right. I had dinner.”

It was a lie, but I didn’t want to eat one of her delicious meals. Once I took my coat off and handed it to her, she beamed. I plopped myself down on the sofa. I heard some rustling next to me while I was covering my eyes with my arm. Saeyeon had sat down next to me with a smile.

“Then have some coffee. You look tired.”

“······Yeah. Thanks.”

I received the cup of coffee from her. The warmth from the coffee spread throughout my body. I took a sip. A sweet taste filled my mouth. Saeyeon’s taste.

A sweet taste that made me remember that day.

“You must have a lot of work these days, huh? Are you sure your body isn’t going to give out?”

She approached me slightly as she smiled like Saeyeon. Her worried expression and tone were truly like Saeyeon.

I know very well what Saeyeon’s dad and Nanda meant. Even I felt uncomfortable whenever she acted like this, after all. I’m the one who made her like this, but still.

“Now that I think about it, I haven’t cleaned your ears lately. Do you want me to? I can help you relax and it’s not bad doing something like this every now and then as husband and wife, right?”

She patted her thighs as if she were really Saeyeon.

Saeyeon doesn’t know that she’s a robot. I made her like that, after all.

In order to make her seem more natural and also prevent Jaim from noticing that something is off, I gave her a digestive system which made her different from the normal robot maids sold by my company. Even when she recharges during the night, once she falls asleep, her memory system stops and her body automatically goes towards a cable.

She also blinks, pats down her chest whenever she’s surprised, taps her lips with her finger whenever she thinks about something deeply, and she also washes her body. Additionally, I designed her so that you couldn’t tell that she was a robot when you looked at her from the outside just so she could wash herself. Her skin was soft and warm as well. Even if I laid my head on her thighs, it truly felt as if I were receiving a lap pillow from a real human being. Seriously. I’m the one who made her, but I really made her well.

“~♬”

She skillfully cleaned my ears while humming Saeyeon’s favorite song, ‘Three Little Bears’. Her movement was smooth and delicate.

Even though I was used to this. Even though I had experienced this several times already.

This was definitely becoming gradually harder to bear.

She isn’t exactly like Saeyeon. She’s just imitating Saeyeon, after all. She’s a bit more delicate, a bit softer, and a bit more perfect.

This might be why this felt nothing like the time I received a lap pillow from Saeyeon a long time ago. It didn’t have the same comfort that came from being embraced by one’s mother. It had a simple mechanical feel to it as if she were simply doing a job. I would fall asleep when I laid on Saeyeon’s lap and let her clean out my ears. My eyes would close because I would feel warm inside, and yet, this didn’t make me feel that way. I couldn’t close my eyes.

“All right, I’m all done. Ehehe······.”

Even that naive laugh of hers was slightly different. It wasn’t the same as Saeyeon’s laugh. It’s weird. I’ve heard that laugh many times for the past 3 years and yet I only felt this way now. Is it because of what I was told? Is it because, as expected, I had also thought the same thing? It had been fine until now. I didn’t have a problem.

“······Then I’ll be heading in for the night.”

Certainly, I might just be having a hard time enduring this as of late.

I’ve really lost everything I cherished now.

My mind has been gradually withering away as the days went by.

The fact that I wasn’t worried at all even though it’s been 3 weeks since the old Jaim had traveled back in time to test the time machine was probably the proof that I was drying up.

It’s not like I’ve been assuring myself that there’d be no problems. I’m not being hopeful because I was certain of Jaim’s return since that was what I remembered in the past. It’s just, yeah. I didn’t feel anything.

I had at some point also stopped thinking about how believing in Jaim’s return meant that everything was going to go according to the future which Upperclassman Nabom had told me about.

Be it the fact that Saeyeon’s parents no longer said anything to me whenever they saw me, and the fact that, in the end, they went on a vacation in order to get away from Saeyeon and Jaim didn’t bother me.

The fact that I fought with my one and only friend and wound up burning bridges with him afterward didn’t bring any sort of emotion to me. Even when Saeyeon would get excited whenever she saw Nanda on TV and would tilt her head in confusion because he wouldn’t answer her calls, I didn’t feel anything.

The only thing that managed to stir my emotions was whenever I looked at Saeyeon. The fact that Saeyeon and Saeyeon were different. The fact that a robot pretending to be Saeyeon was next to me acting like Saeyeon. This was it.

When was the last time I genuinely laughed or cried?

That’s why I figured that even this wouldn’t make me feel anything anymore once time has passed.

Yeah, it didn’t bother me. I know I’m breaking down. But it’ll all be fine. Once Jaim returns and changes the past, everything will come back. Saeyeon is the only one who can fix me.

“Uhm, Jjaro.”

Saeyeon grabbed my hand as I stood up and was about to head to my room.

“······Saeyeon?”

Saeyeon looked straight at me and spoke.

“Jjaro, can we sleep together tonight?”

“······What?”

“Jjaro, we haven’t slept together for the past 3 years now. Uhm······ e-ever since we had Jaim······.”

Saeyeon brought her body towards me as she insisted. She linked her arm with mine. An unfamiliar feeling touched my arm. Smooth skin and the amount of strength she used to strengthen her hold. I should be familiar, with all of these things.

“Hm? We slept together before, didn’t we? Families sleep together. We’re also husband and wife, so sleeping together should be fine, shouldn’t it?”

Her cheeks were slightly red as if she were embarrassed, but she continued to look straight at me.

Yeah. I’ve never slept together with Saeyeon. Be it intimately or just sleeping together normally. There’s no way I could.

“We can just sleep together, nothing more. Hm?”

Saeyeon’s expression. Saeyeon’s way of speaking. Saeyeon’s actions.

This was a natural thing for Saeyeon to say. She may be smiling on the outside, but she would have obviously asked this if we had slept separately for 3 years. If anything, she was late. This should have happened much sooner. That’s why I knew she had thought about this a lot before bringing it up.

But, still.

“I’ll be happy if we just hold hands as we sleep.”

How, how dare this robot.

“You said so as well, didn’t you, Jjaro? That you’ll always hold my hand?”

This machine that’s just pretending to be Saeyeon.

“So, Jja······.”

“Shut up! You piece of scrap metal!”

How dare you try to take Saeyeon’s place.

I took in a deep breath and shouted as if I intended to spit everything out.

Saeyeon looked at me with a blank face. As if she didn’t understand what I was saying. However, she looked as if she were despairing over the fact that I had said something like that to her. Despairing solely for the fact that I had refused her.

Ah, right. That expression was also the same as Saeyeon’s. It was the same expression Saeyeon made that one time when I had refused her. It was the same.

I know. Jihye said so. The same thing happened back then with Jihye as well. The robot that pretended to be Saeyeon. I know how this was going to conclude. There’s no way I could make a robot that was just like Saeyeon. It can’t be helped that my greed, my fantasy, and my desire were also included. Even though I knew, I thought it would be different. I thought it would at least be different this time.

This was the result of having forgotten that obvious truth.

“Jjaro, do you hate me now······?”

Stop, pretending to be Saeyeon.

“Do you, no longer see me as a woman······?”

I know I made you like that, but please, stop.

“Tell me, Jjaro. Am I not enough?”

Stop stealing my memories with Saeyeon.

“······Jjaro?”

She spoke pathetically as if she were despairing, pleading, and about to cry before a look of surprise appeared on her face.

“Why······ are you crying?”

My vision was blurring. I couldn’t remember Saeyeon’s face.

When was it? When did I stop taking out that funeral portrait, that picture that captured Saeyeon in her prettiest moment?

When did I stop thinking that she resembled Saeyeon and was the exact replica of Saeyeon?

“······Do I no longer see you as a woman? There’s no way I could have seen you as one.”

I heard Saeyeon gasp. I heard the sound of a door opening slightly. She probably woke up because of the noise. And she was probably listening in knowing that the noise was of her parents fighting.

Ah, that’s right. That’s what happened. I understood now.

Without wiping away my tears, I smiled, I smiled as if it couldn’t be helped, and said the line that will always be remembered to Saeyeon and to the two people who were eavesdropping.

“Since the very beginning, I have never seen you as a woman.”

This is what happened.

What do you mean by changing the future? That’s not what I’ve been doing.

The world is cruel. No, that’s misleading. The world doesn’t have a will of its own.

It’s just, like that.

A single person doesn’t have the power to change the world. I don’t want to use a word like ‘fate’. That’d be determinism, after all. But I have no other choice but to use it. Everything had already been determined for me.

A future that had already been written. Like that, it flows naturally. Towards the same result. It walks along a pre-determined path.

If there’s no path, then you can make one yourself? Nonsense. There’s no meaning to a path walked by a single person. It’ll be forgotten. There was never a path there in the first place. It can’t affect anything.

Until now, I always thought that, since the fight Jaim remembered happening occurred when she was little, it never actually happened.

So this is what that line meant.

There’s no way I could see her as a woman.

It’s a machine. A doll that I had made.

The only woman to me, is Saeyeon.

There’s no way I could see this machine that’s acting like Saeyeon in that sort of light.

“I······.”

Saeyeon looked at me as if she couldn’t believe what she had heard. I disregarded her and turned my head. The eyes peeking through the crevice of the door disappeared. Good. There’s no need for her to know what happens afterward. She can’t know.

“······Jjaro?”

Saeyeon, the robot, blinked in confusion at the anger that appeared on my face. I approached it without any hesitation.

“The people who can call me by that name no longer exist.”

Saeyeon’s mother passed away, Saeyeon died, and Nanda and I were strangers now. All of the people who could call me ‘Jjaro’ were all gone.

“And you aren’t a part of them.”

“W-What are you doing, Jjaro?”

The robot took a step back as she saw me approach her. She shouted desperately with panic all over her face.

“O-Okay. I’ll call you Jaro. I won’t bring this up anymore!”

Those words, those facial movements, I didn’t want to see any of them.

“No! I’m sorry! I apologize! I’ll stop! Please forgive me, Master!”

So she knew. So she knew she was a robot. And yet, she continued to take Saeyeon’s place.

No, since I had recreated Saeyeon’s memories and personality, she might have created the instinct that Saeyeon had which could deduce things that even I didn’t know. That might be why she knows. I felt like laughing.

You’re amazing, Jin Jaro. You truly are amazing. At that time, you were only a self-proclaimed genius. After Saeyeon died, the resolve to save Saeyeon really did make me into a genius.

Still, there was one thing I could always brag about in front of others since that time. Something I could brag about more than fixing things. Something I was more skilled at than fixing things.

“Don’t do this, Master! Please forgive me this one time! No! N⎯⎯⎯.”

My ability to break and take things apart.

The robot froze in place while it was in the middle of shouting. I turned its power off and took apart its core system. It’s a robot that I created, so I could disassemble it faster than anything else. With ease.

“Hahaha⎯⎯⎯······.”

The strength that was holding its body disappeared, so the robot collapsed. The robot that was based on Saeyeon, made into Saeyeon’s shape, collapsed. It didn’t budge a single inch. The warmth that was traveling through its skin stopped, and the eyes which had been pleading to me lost their light.

“······Uuhk.”

It collapsed before me, making it seem like Saeyeon had died. I felt my knees buckling. My hands trembled. My vision was blurry.

“Ahaha, uuk, hu, huhahaha, hauk, uk, uhahaha······.”

But laughter came out. I cried and laughed at the same time.

Once again, Saeyeon died.

But by my hands this time. She truly died by my hands.

So this is why I turned her into Jihye. Because of this, I erased her memories as Saeyeon, made it seem like Saeyeon left, changed her face, the color of her hair, and fixed other tiny things so that this wouldn’t happen again.

But I probably couldn’t put my hand on its fundamental data. Similar to how I couldn’t now. Because it contained the memories I had together with Saeyeon, although they were from my perspective, it still had Saeyeon’s memories and her personality. Even if they were twisted by my greed and desire.

That’s probably why she wanted to replace Saeyeon. But if she had tried to replace Saeyeon, then she would have been disassembled. That’s probably why I distanced myself from her. Because she would make me remember everything that happened until now, and Saeyeon.

Moreover, Upperclassman Nabom probably took Jihye because she knew this was going to happen.

If Jihye were with us, then I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to make a robot Saeyeon. Because Jihye’s wish would have been granted.

It was truly, truly the same. Even though I tried so hard to change, alter, and do whatever I could to find a different path, because of those actions, it became like this.

If I had stopped at one point, then this would have never happened.

Why did I ignore everyone’s advice?

“······Do you understand now?”

I turned my head to look at Jaim who had frozen in place while walking out of my room and smiled at her as I dropped the tool which I would always carry around.

“This is what happened.”

The terminal in Jaim’s hand fell to the ground with a thud.

“······No.”

Jaim’s trembling lips barely managed to make a sound.

“No······. No! You’re wrong!”

She shook her head strongly and the clothespin holding up her ponytail flew off. Her half-curled hair flowed down and fluttered.

“We, we properly did it this time!”

I could see Jihye laying on the bed through the gap of the door.

“It was different this time!”

I see. She went there of all places, huh.

It wasn’t Upperclassman Nabom who brought Jihye back this time, it was Jaim. So these things happen, too, huh?

“Why, did you do that?! Why?! Why?!”

Jaim shouted as if she couldn’t believe this. She came up to me and grabbed the edge of my clothes and shook it. She was crying. Jaim’s head touched my chest. My head became soaked in her tears. Jaim’s body trembled.

“Yeah! I did want you to stop, but! Why! Why did you have to stop like this?!”

Jaim also didn’t want the robot to act like Saeyeon.

She’s been wanting me to stop.

But this probably wasn’t the way she wanted it to happen. At the very least, not like this. Jaim most likely wanted this to happen a bit more amicably, in a way where everyone would be happy; where we’d do it after explaining ourselves to everyone and getting their consent.

“What do you plan to accomplish by doing this?!”

A long time ago, she said that she would take Saeyeon’s place. That she would do her best to make me happy. She probably acted friendly and latched on to me as an extension to that. She might have also meant it as a relationship between a man and a woman. That’s the vibe I felt from her, after all.

An existence that could support me in Saeyeon’s stead. The act of trying to take Saeyeon away from me. I couldn’t allow her of all people to do this. I wouldn’t let her.

Because······.

“Shut up! This is all your fault!”

I was surprised by my own words after my surge of emotions made me shout.

This was the exact same as that one time.

To what happened that one time when Jaim came to the past for the first time.

Jaim must have also noticed this. And, at the same time, she must have also realized, that similar to back then, hearing me say this to her was inevitable. Because I wasn’t wrong.

“⎯⎯⎯You killed Saeyeon!”

Yeah.

Saeyeon died after giving birth to Jaim.

Her health had weakened severely after she had become pregnant. The doctor also tried to dissuade her from giving birth. It was to the point that the doctor carefully asked me to choose between the mother and the child. Naturally, I didn’t hesitate.

Saeyeon didn’t hesitate either.

“I’m going to give birth to Jaim.”

“But······!”

Saeyeon calmly placed her finger on my lips as I was about to shout and gave her usual innocent giggle.

“The Jaim that’s inside my womb right now is Jaim, right? There’s no other. It’s the mom’s job to protect her daughter.”

“But they said your life is in danger!”

“Jjaro, have you already forgotten? This year is the 2nd year.”

“What······?”

Saeyeon laughed. It was to the point that I couldn’t understand how she could laugh like that in a situation like this.

“That’s why I have to give birth to Jaim before then.”

Saeyeon had it wrong.

It wasn’t that she had to give birth to Jaim because she was going to die in 2 years.

She dies in 2 years because she gives birth to Jaim.

This wasn’t a difficult assumption to make. Even Saeyeon should’ve been able to figure this out. I tried to convince her to not go through with it many times. I shouted at her that it wasn’t like that. I explained to her that she had it wrong. But Saeyeon simply smiled.

“You promised me, didn’t you, Jjaro? You aren’t going to change that into a lie, are you?”

Once she said that, I no longer had anything I could say to stop her.

So, I prayed. Even though I had never prayed before in my life, this was the one and only time I ever brought my hands together and prayed. Similar to most others, I didn’t care who listened to my prayers, I just prayed that nothing bad would happen. I prayed that she would come out of the delivery room with a smile while also holding a crying Jaim in her arms.

The only one to come out was a crying Jaim.

I grabbed the doctor by their collar and complained. I swung my fist around. I toppled things over and destroyed stuff. Never in my life had I ever gotten that angry before.

But that didn’t change anything.

That’s why I didn’t want to see baby Jaim.

That’s why I didn’t want to see old Jaim.

She killed Saeyeon. She removed Saeyeon. The daughter that was born while also killing her mom, the mom who had given birth to her, while taking away the most important person to me. I couldn’t possibly love a daughter like that.

Saeyeon told me that Jaim was our one and only proof that she and I loved each other. That Jaim was her last gift to me. That’s why I did my best to believe that.

It was ridiculous. There’s no way I could think that. What am I going to do with the proof when Saeyeon was gone? What am I going to do with this gift?

“If, if you weren’t born! If you weren’t here!”

I couldn’t hold back any longer and said the words I should never say.

I said before that parents that either say these words or make their children say something similar to these words are the worst. That they’re pieces of trash.

However, how am I supposed to bear this without saying anything?

How am I supposed to accept that I’m the reason why Saeyeon died?

“If you······!”

In the end, I fell to my knees after saying that much.

If I hadn’t heard the reason back then.

If I hadn’t said something like that to Saeyeon.

If I had done whatever I could to stop Saeyeon.

These opportunities had slipped through my fingers a countless number of times.

“······Uuhk, uuu, uuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Unable to hold it back any longer, only my tears and cries came out.

I realized.

I came to the realization.

All of these things only became possible through Saeyeon’s death.

In high school, I might have certainly been a genius. With 18 patents while still in high school and royalties, on a general scale, I was probably within the range of genius.

But I didn’t have the ability to make robot maids or time machines. My ability wasn’t that impressive. The numerous geniuses around the world with moderate abilities would probably live their lives without any sort of special breakthrough.

When Saeyeon was still alive, my ability was just a drop in the bucket.

However, my obsession over bringing Saeyeon back to life made my potential bloom.

This was a really, really distasteful story. A cruel story.

I thought nothing mattered as long as I had Saeyeon.

I thought I would be satisfied as long as I had Saeyeon.

Saeyeon’s death made me achieve my dream. Robot maids and time machines. I became an amazing person whom no one could look down on and was needed by everyone.

At a time, I thought it was fine even if I didn’t go this far.

Only after losing Saeyeon could I achieve my dream. It was obvious if you thought about it. Even though I created a time machine for the sake of saving Saeyeon’s life because I heard she was going to die. Even though I created robot maids because I lost Saeyeon. Isn’t this too cruel? I’d rather have Saeyeon over this sort of ingenuity. Why did this happen?

I didn’t want to end up like this.

I just, wanted to see Saeyeon one more time.

I just wanted to stay at Saeyeon’s side forever.

If everything I’ve done until now was all in vain and pointless, and the future I hated was simply going to repeat itself, then what should I have done? What was I supposed to have done?

What have I been living for?

Jaim simply watched me as I continued to cry.

✿✿✿

I know.

No, rather than knowing, I also thought the same.

I killed Mom.

When I was little, ever since I heard this conversation and until the day I used the time machine and traveled back in time to meet Mom and Dad for the first time, I always thought, I always thought Dad was the bad one.

But on the day I saw Mom die, I realized.

I was the bad one all along.

The words that I said back when I had information contamination might have been a sign that I already knew this subconsciously. I went as far as to think this.

‘I'm, sorry·····. It would, have been better if I weren't born·····. Then, mom, and dad, wouldn't have had, to fight·····. I'm sorry·····. I'm sorry·····. I'm sorry, for being born·····. I'm sorry·····.’

It was just as I said.

It would have been better, if I weren’t born.

If I weren’t born, Mom and Dad could have lived together happily. Even if it’s not me, Mom might have been able to give birth to a different child once she was healthy enough.

I ruined everything.

But there’s no way I could say this.

How could I possibly say that I was sorry for being born, that it was my fault?

There’s no way I could have said I was better off gone.

Then for what purpose was I born? What was I living for?

That’s why I decided.

If Dad is going to live for Mom’s sake, if he’s going to continue to live without forgetting about Mom who had died, then, at the very least, I’ll live for Dad’s sake. This was probably the one and only thing I could do as the person who had stolen Mom away from him.

That’s why I wanted to take Mom’s place. His expression has never changed ever since that day. Instead of only showing an emotionless look on his face with cold eyes, I wanted to see Dad’s constantly changing face again with his somewhat pitiful gaze. I wanted to be next to him.

Like when I was little, no, I wanted to act more childish than that as I latched on to him and messed around with him like a close father and daughter pair. Like a happy family. Maybe even beyond that.

Since I’ll stay at his side.

Since I’ll do whatever Dad wants me to do.

So, instead of making that robot act like Mom and continuing to miss and grieve her, I wanted him to at least look at me once. That’s what I had been constantly hoping for. I had been waiting for the day this happened. That’s why I was so happy when I met Dad’s younger self. That’s how I wanted to be like with him.

But.

“Help me·····.”

I never expected to see Dad like this.

“You’re, the only one who can help me·····.”

I never imagined the day would come where I would find Dad kneeling before me, holding on to my leg as he cried, and pleading to me in a sobbing voice.

“What····· are you telling me to help you with?”

Just a second ago, he was shouting that it was my fault.

Just a second ago, he cried out that I was the one who killed Mom.

He wailed that it would have been better if I didn’t exist, but now he was asking me for help.

This was the first time I had ever seen Dad look this weak and fragile.

“Do you still intend to continue with this?”

Dad shook his head in response to my question.

“No, I can’t now. At the very least, I can’t keep this up any longer.”

“Then what do you want me to help you with?”

I questioned Dad as he hung on to my leg as if he were afraid of being abandoned.

“Do you want me to help you apologize to everyone for everything that had happened and return everything back to how it was?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to help you fix the robot and Jihye?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to help you make the robot into an even more perfect Mom?”

“No.”

Dad shook his head and answered.

“Accomplishing my dream.”

“Your····· dream?”

Dad’s dream was to be a great scientist. A genius scientist who manages to invent robot maids and time machines.

Also, a world where something like families didn’t exist.

World conquest.

“·····Ah.”

A childish dream which even 3-year-old kids wouldn’t dream of anymore.

However, the gaze Dad was looking at me with was desperate.

It was the same as before. Dad, before I came looking for him, the delusion he had before he opened himself up to Mom. That childish way of thinking he had because he despaired over not having one himself, so he believed that no one else should have one either.

Nevertheless, his gaze was no longer dead.

He had a cold and endless gaze that could send a chill up one’s spine. It was the serious gaze Dad would occasionally display.

Because that gaze was better than his dead gaze, I was happy.

But I can’t be happy. Dad will break at this rate.

“It’s not impossible.”

It isn’t impossible.

Robot maids had made their way beyond civilian grade and reached military grade on a global scale. In all of those robot maids, there was a backdoor which Dad could maintain and control in case of an emergency. And those robots could even replace people. (TL note: Backdoor (computing))

He was the first person ever to achieve time travel. You may not be able to change the past or the future, but at the same time, it was a device that allowed you to keep an eye on the past and the future.

Therefore, it was something he could just do.

It’s not like he has an impressive goal.

He isn’t trying to do something by conquering the world.

He doesn’t want authority nor does he have a big picture he’s aiming for.

If a reason had to be given, then, probably, this was a type of compensation.

Since Dad had lost everything in his world, he wanted compensation.

This might even be his way of getting revenge. Since everything was snatched away from him, he was going to take everything away in return. This kind of childish revenge.

Revenge against everything in the world he hates and even to himself whom he hates the most.

No, honestly, the reason most likely doesn’t matter.

“However, in order for me to achieve my dream, ‘I’ have to taste this despair.”

All of Dad’s inventions were possible because of Mom’s death.

If Dad hadn’t tried to bring Mom back to life after her death, then his potential wouldn’t have bloomed.

The one and only thing that he acquired for not giving up.

This was probably the reason why he was saying this.

In order to make all of his actions until now be meaningful.

In order to make everything he’s done until now not be pointless.

In order to deny Mom’s death, my birth, and all of his mistakes until now.

In order to make a reason for himself to continue living.

A car with broken brakes must keep driving.

As long as it doesn’t crash into something and break apart, there’s no way to stop.

It simply has to continue moving forward without a goal.

Dad was probably broken.

“For this to happen, all of this must keep repeating endlessly.”

This was probably why I became Ha Nabom.

In the end, everything repeats itself. It was established to repeat itself.

It was a perfect loop.

A process where me, Dad, and everyone else being hurt was inevitable. A process where breaking down was inevitable. Regardless, be that as it may.

“·····Okay.”

I got down on my knees and nodded my head as I pulled Dad into a hug while he was holding on to my leg.

“I’ll be on your side, Dad.”

This is the only way I could possibly atone.

Dad has finally decided to live his own life and not for Mom’s sake.

Even if everyone calls him crazy, points at him, and doesn’t take his side, I have to be on Dad’s side.

“I’ll live for your sake, Dad.”

I’m the one who broke Dad like this, after all.

In the end, everything is my fault.

⎯⎯⎯Like this, everything started.

TL note: Thanks for reading the chapter. I have to be honest, I had a very difficult time trying to translate this chapter. Not because it used hard words and phrasings, but because of all the emotions that went through me while reading this chapter again. There’s still the last chapter left, but that’s barely 10 pages long, so that shouldn’t take me too long to pump out. I’m looking forward to seeing people’s reactions.