V1C2 Part4

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4. BEAUTIFUL WORLDPrevious || Index || Next

“Suemori-san.”

I was startled when my name was called. It was a calm voice

that was humble but not excessively servile.

Kanno stood at a distance of about three meters from me. I

was holding the net at the center line, and Kanno’s feet were above the attack

line, so he was actually three-meters away. There was a clear difference in

height now without even having to stand side by side to compare. I think it was

a difference of six or seven centimeters. I didn’t think…it was past ten

centimeters, but… When I was picturing myself next to Kanno in my head, even

though he squirmed a bit uncomfortably, he didn’t apologize fearfully and

meaninglessly like in our first year.

Suemori-san. I

pondered the voice that called me. The last time he called me “Ibara-chan” was

last September. And I feel like this was the first time he called me

“Suemori-san”—we hadn’t called each other’s names once during these nine

months. I wondered at what point during those blank nine months did I change

from “Ibara-chan” to “Suemori-san” within Kanno.

“About the ballgame tournament, I received the list of who’s

in each event for our club, so I have been told by my senpais to consult with

Suemori-san and decide the allocation of duties, but…”

He’s still speaking with formal language mixed in, even

to someone in his own grade, I thought, and while feeling something that

was like nostalgia and sadness, I said, “It’s fine. If that’s the case, let’s

do it on our way home today.”

I tried my best to respond in a natural manner, trying to be

somewhat distant for the three meters of space Kanno had opened between us, but

also not too blunt. I’ll be in your care, Kanno said, bending his long

back and quickly bowing his head.

I watched his back as he left, him who was dressed

unseasonably as ever with his long T-shirt and long pants, even though it was

June. Kanno still participated in the girls’ team practice for half of the

week, but ever since they witnessed his seizure on the outside court, no

members made fun of him anymore. On the contrary, there was a mood of

“Kanno-kun is working so hard even though it’s hard on his body,” and everyone

became weirdly nice to him. Even now, when he ran over to the girl who was

drawing the net strings to the side of the pole and said “I will do it” as he

reached out his hand, he was politely refused with “It’s fine. Akiton should

sit down” and ended up having nothing to do. Akiton was Kanno’s new nickname. Come

to think of it, I haven’t heard Dracky at all lately.

From

where I was looking, I thought that seemed pretty awkward, but anyways, my role

as Kanno’s (unwilling) knight was no longer necessary.

I noticed that there was a girl looking at us from the

entrance of the gym. It was Ayano, holding a basket lined with drink bottles.

“…I feel like I haven’t seen Ibara-chan and Akiton talking

in a long time.”

“Oh, we’re just getting in touch about clerical work, for

the ballgame tournament. I’m helping the boys this year.”

I felt like I was being glared at, so I unintentionally made

an excuse. It wasn’t even an excuse, it really was nothing more than talk about

work. “You don’t have to worry about that,” Ayano said, her lips tapering into

a pout and she turned away.

“No, no, I’m not worrying about it at all…”

Nonetheless, my behavior towards Ayano was still mostly

filled with a sense of guilt. Ayano might like Kanno…looking at her actions

during that incident last year, even I, who was completely unfamiliar with

matters of love, could tell that. I wondered if she confessed to him…I didn’t

know what happened after that incident, since my conversations with Ayano had

decreased considerably since then. I did the worst possible thing—disparaging a

girl’s body in front of the boy she liked.

“It’s thanks to Ibara-chan that I lost weight, so I’m really

not thinking anything right now…”

Ayano muttered in a slightly soft voice while still turning

away.

That’s

right. Ayano, who had been chubby, had slimmed down quite a lot since then and,

taking advantage of her bust and hips which had been ample by nature, now

attained well-balanced proportions. It seemed that my words triggered her to go

on a diet. I was surprised at the unexpected willpower that lay sleeping within

Ayano. That wasn’t at all. Maybe because her body was lighter, her play became

agile and nimble, and she became a bench member in her second year. Since she

didn’t have the stature, her spike power was inferior, but she was praised for

her thorough and careful defense. What I hated so much and concluded that a

strong player didn’t need, Ayano became stronger without throwing it away.

On the other hand, as for me—as evidenced by the fact that I

was dispatched as a coordinator with the boys’ team for the ballgame tournament,

I had been languishing without being selected for the bench. In middle school,

if I worked hard, the results of my hard work came naturally to me, but since I

became a high schooler, I kept getting betrayed by myself.

I loved volleyball. I wanted to be better than everyone

else. I was willing to cut away anything that would hinder me from that. As a

result, I ended up losing my friendship with Ayano, the reverence from Kanno,

and my pride as a volleyball ace that should have been everything to me.

“Yeah…now I’ve become the most shameful and useless thing.”

I let out a weak self-deprecatory remark. “Ibara-chan…”

Ayano turned her face towards me. The top of her nose was wrinkled, and she looked

she was about to cry.

“Ibara-chan, you’re not going to quit the team, are you…?”

I didn’t answer her, only giving a forced smile.

I had

actually received a club withdrawal form. The coordinator thing this time made

it doubly sure for me, and I had made up my mind. I intended to write my name

on it and hand it in after the ballgame tournament work was done, and leave

volleyball. I intended to seriously quit it.

——Until

the day before yesterday.

The

day before yesterday, when I saw the boys’ practice on the outside court——.

The ball that rose high up into the blue sky shone in the

afternoon sunlight, burning my eyes. The one who took off from behind the

attack line and rushed in like a bullet was that first-year, Kuroba Yuni.

That was a back-row attack? That jump distance was unbelievable.

He jumped in with his whole body all the way to the net, as though he was

attacking from the front row. His figure, arched in midair, seemed stationary,

as though it was a photo. Such a long flight duration. His arm flexed like a

spring that had stored up energy and returned it all at once, and he punched in

the ball.

However, in the next moment there was a cloud of dust rising

on Kuroba’s side of the court. “Daaah—” Kuroba groaned in frustration as he sank

down and landed. Even I, who should have been calmly watching on the courtside,

lost sight of the ball’s trajectory for an instant, but Aoki-senpai, who had

jumped for a commit block, covered it with his long arms and shot down the

bullet spike.

Amazing…just

amazing. That was so cool. I couldn’t suppress the long-forgotten thumping of

my heart. Each moment of that play was bold and so fast that I almost couldn’t follow

it with my eyes. Just when I thought the ball had disappeared from my view, a

dust cloud leapt up from the ground with a dynamic sound, like something

exploding. I squinted many times at the dazzling aerial battle that unfolded

while causing grains of light to burst into the air.

For me, the most beautiful sport on Earth was there.

There was a world that I couldn’t stop longing for, so much

that it was painful.

For the first time since I reaped what I sow and lost many

things, I thought that I did love volleyball after all, and I didn’t want to

quit. Perhaps now, I could say this with the purest feelings I had since I met

this sport.

I

loved volleyball.

***

It took twenty-five minutes riding on a local line that was only

composed of two cars to go from Nanafu to Monshiro. Bench seats against the

windows were only placed on both sides of each door, and the rest were box

seats with seats for two facing each other. Kanno and I occupied one of those

seats, and we sat shallowly on them with our knees facing each other.

“…Even

assuming we can manage with the staff for the first and second games, the

problem starts from the third game and after. When Team C’s match starts, the team

members will pack the court, and we’ll have to get the members who went out to basketball

and futsal back immediately…”

“I think we’ll definitely not have enough staff at some

point.”

“We’ll have to adjust the games so we’ll have enough. We’ll

move the fourth game of Team E versus Team F over here, and the sixth game with

Team D versus Team F…”

“Oda-senpai is in Team F, so I think it’ll work out well.”

“Oh, I see.”

While we were humming and hawing, at a loss, the two of us

wrote on both sides of the notebook that was spread out on our laps. The notes

were becoming unreadable due to the flood of arrows, boxes, strikethroughs, and

desperate-looking messy lines.

The boys’ volleyball team had just eight members. From that,

we would send out four people as staff members for each game, and there were

those who took part in each event as competitors apart from that, so it would

be impossible to run the boys’ volleyball division without the full rotation of

eight people on a meticulously calculated time schedule. A lunch break was out

of the question, and we might not even be able to give them a bathroom break. I

mean, even if you rotate them at full speed, it was bound to break down

somewhere, right?

Looking down at the messy notebook, I got a headache. Ah, I

wanted to open the window and just throw it outside.

Around

seven p.m., there was still a thin light outside the window. Come to think of

it, summer solstice was approaching, so this was the time of the year with the

longest daylight. After passing through the cities of Nanafu and Suzumu, the

two-carriage train was moving a slow pace through the countryside wrapped in a

warm, dim light. Since the rice planting was just finished in May, there were

still only green seedlings planted in the fields. The water surface limitlessly

reflected the distant mountains.

Every time the car swayed a little too much, I felt ticklish

from the rubbing of my kneecap against Kanno’s kneecap beneath his spread-out

notebook. I was tempted to retract my leg, but it felt somewhat like a waste of

time to do so.

“We both got some irritating work forced on us, huh.”

Though I was grumbling, that was why we didn’t have to

finish talking about work for the time being. However, Monshiro Station was

already coming up soon. Usually, I slept for the twenty-five-minute ride when I

could sit down, but each minute and second felt strangely precious today.

I curled my back and dropped my gaze to the notebook. Kanno

also looked down at the same notebook from above my head. I had my toes

standing up, and Kanno’s heels were on the floor. The fact that the notebook

was kept level meant that the length below our knees was that much different.

He just kept shooting up.

He’s

got an awfully big lead on me, I thought once again, but strangely, the jealousy

and hatred and uneasiness and chaotic feelings I had in my first year that made

my heart hopelessly ugly, did not appear anymore. I wonder if I matured a

step…that also felt wrong, and I was quite confused about myself.

“I don’t really think it’s irritating. I’m having fun right

now.”

I heard a whisper above my head. My heart leapt at the word “fun,”

but,

“I only play with the guys half of the time, and I can’t

help much with setting up or cleanup, so…I’m glad I’m able to help out with

this kind of work, because it makes me feel like I’m doing club activities with

everyone else. The senpais didn’t say anything about that, but I think they

knew that and gave me this job.”

“I guess you’re more comfortable in the boys’ team, huh?”

I didn’t mean that sarcastically, but it must have sounded

like I was, because Kanno flinched and his face tightened. It seemed that he

still hadn’t fixed his habit of peeking at my expression.

“The senpais on the boys’ team seem like good people. The

girls’ team has a strange atmosphere, and you can’t always go all out, can you?

I know you’re holding back in the intra-team games.”

“Well…if I go all out, I’ll blow the girls away.”

In the past, he might have put himself down and immediately

apologized with a “I’m sorry,” but he pouted slightly as he plainly affirmed

that. It was as if something like the core of self-confidence had taken root

within Kanno, and I felt relieved, but at the same time, I felt somewhat sad

for some reason.

Even

before I realized it, Kanno himself must have been aware that he was starting

to outstrip the girls in terms of strength and was out of place among them. And

that wasn’t something that could be obtained “without much effort, just by the

good luck of being born a boy,” like I had accused him of before.

I happened to see Kanno in his training wear in my

neighborhood last year on an early autumn night. He was jogging and entered the

park near the middle school, and unconsciously concealing my presence, I

watched him do strength training on the bars and seesaw until the end.

Kanno somewhat looked like a normal athletic boy during the

night, not wearing his hood completely over his head and frightened by the

threat of the sun like he was during the day. It was then that I learned about

the side of Kanno who worked harder than others because of his physical

disability. No, I was supposed to know that a long time ago. He was the target

of unreasonable teasing, and there was no reason for him to go out of his way

to stay in the girls’ team to the point of feeling uncomfortable, but he worked

harder than anyone even in basic training that was nothing but painful, and

never missed a day of practice.

Because, like me, he loved volleyball—he told me that I was

the one who taught him the fun of volleyball. Maybe that was the only thing I

could be proud of.

He was

probably still training at night on his own. He looked stronger, with another

faint layer of muscle on his neck and arms. The nails on his fingers gripping

his mechanical pencil were deeply trimmed. His fingertips were a bit chapped,

but it was an indoor sport, so the underside of his nails wouldn’t be darkened

with dirt. His protruding joints was due to the repeated spraining of his

fingers. His long fingers were for catching the ball and accurately handling

it, and his large palms were for powerfully driving in spikes. The hands that I

thought were beautiful were characteristic of male volleyball players.

Kanno had become independent of the “shadows” that had been

clinging to my back and only stirred up my frustration and impatience, and

after taking some distance and time where I was able to calm down, I was

feeling a bit nervous right now, coming in contact with him like this again.

I knew what I was saying was too convenient at this point.

There was no way the selfishness of trying to get back something you pushed

away but wanted later could be allowed unchallenged. You had to take

responsibility for what you have done.

We were approaching Monshiro Station. I closed the notebook

and put it in my bag.

“Aaah, we didn’t finish it. Let’s do it tomorrow.”

I secretly cherished the feeling of our kneecaps brushing up

against each other, but I quickly stood up and carried my schoolbag and enamel

bag with me. It was a one-man operation train, so if you were too slow, it was

easy to miss your stop.

“…Kanno?”

Right when I stepped into the aisle, I looked back

suspiciously. Kanno hadn’t even attempted to stand up, his behind still stuck

to his seat.

“I’m riding to the next station, don’t worry. I can’t walk

you home, but be careful.”

“Hah?

Why?”

“Um…well…I can’t get up. My knees have no strength…”

“Huh…what’s that about, did you get hurt? You want me to

escort you home?”

Worried, I brought my face closer. “N-no, you’re mistaken,”

Kanno pulled down the hood of his hoodie and turned his face to the window.

“When I was talking to Iba-Suemori-san today, I was actually

really nervous… I summoned up all of my strength to call out to you, and once I

did, I surprisingly felt like I could talk to you normally as a friend, so I

was so relieved that my muscles went limp…Oh, I know that I already got rejected,

so I’m really not thinking about anything more than that now, but it’s hard not being

able to talk to each other at all during practice…”

Kanno’s pale face, hidden by the hood, turned red like the old

days, and he talked quickly like he was feeling restless. While I was

standing stock-still in the middle of the aisle, Monshiro Station’s platform

slowly slid into the train window. The scenery stopped along with the vibration

of being pulled sideways, and there was the sound of the doors whooshing open. There

weren’t a lot of passengers, but some still passed by here and there. No new

passengers got on from the platform. The departure bell immediately started

ringing. “You have to get off,” Kanno urged, his face still hidden.

My toes hesitated for an instant over whether to go or not, but

ultimately I placed my bags on the seats again and sat back down in front of

Kanno.

“Wait, Iba…Suemori-san?”

Kanno

raised his panicked face.

“It’s perfect. We still haven’t finished the arrangements,

so let’s just do it now.”

“Yes, but…”

“And it’s a bit fun to go all the way to the final stop and

loop back, so how about it?”

I spread the notebook on top of our laps without giving

Kanno a chance to object. Looking like he found it hard to accept, Kanno chewed

on the tip of his lip, but…

“Thank you…”

In the end, he gave in and said in a limp voice.

I was slightly discouraged to find out that Kanno had

already finished drawing a line between us within him, but I was glad he said

it clearly. I shouldn’t be forgiven by Kanno, and I didn’t want to be forgiven

by him. I was sure that I would live with this regret for the rest of my life.

The bell stopped ringing, and the train started to move. The

view of the platform fell out of sight.

I

wasn’t saying to whom, but…if I had to say it, I made a promise with myself.

When we got off this train and went our own ways home, I would put a lid on

these feelings once and for all. So, just a little bit more. I was ready to

carry a lifetime’s worth of regret, so wasn’t it okay for me to draw this

out…for just a few more minutes?

***

“Um, it’s hard to say this, but…if we take this train to the

end of the line, there are no more trains available to take us back…to

Monshiro.”

Kanno brought that up when the curtain of night had

completely fallen outside the window.

“What, why didn’t you say that earlier!? What’re we gonna

do!”

“We can walk home or something. But it’ll be the middle of

the night by the time we get there. I’m fine with nights so I don’t mind it at

all. Suemori-san, I’ll carry you on my back if you’re tired.”

Considering that he said it was hard to say it, Kanno had a slightly happy expression on his

face as he said that, and my resolve immediately wavered.

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