Chapter 6

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Chapter 6: Subversion

【Three】

……

XX March 2009

It seems like he overslept today. When he rushed to class, he looked all dazed, and his hair was sticking up too. It was very cute. I’ve always taken pride in my self-control, but whenever I see him, it never feels enough. Just like right now. I don’t even know how much strength I used to stop my hand from touching him. I started to feel jealous. How could he show such a cute face in front of others? I feel very conflicted. I do wish he could be a little more self-aware, and stop showing weak points that others can take advantage of in front of people he’s not close to. But I also hope he can continue like this. Because in his mind, it’s probably hard to even categorize me as a “classmate” that he’s not close to, isn’t it…

……

XX May 2009

I was given permission to leave the hospital today. But when I reached school, I found out it was the mid-term examinations. I was hospitalized for so long that I even forgot about these trivialities. Looking at the date, it was already halfway through the semester, but in this half-semester, I’ve only seen him seven times. My interest waned. During examinations, the class seating arrangements would be changed. He’ll probably be allocated to another classroom, I suppose. If I can’t see him, there’s no point in coming to school at all.

Refusing to give up, I searched every classroom. At the very least, I can see him from afar. I feel like a fish without water right now. He’s my water. This separation that lasted dozens of days is practically suffocating me.

I finally found him. Coincidentally, I was allocated to this classroom too, and my seat is right next to his! The invigilator saw me. He knew about my situation, so he let me in. When I walked past him, he glanced at me, but he was quickly distracted by the exam questions again. I sat right beside him. My heartbeat was beating so irregularly that I felt I had to return to the hospital to seek medical advice. I looked at the exam paper, and as usual made my answers add up to a score of 84. August 4th is his birthday. I remember this clearly every year, but I never have a chance to give him my present…

……

XX May 2009

In this afternoon’s basketball competition, he was the main strength. He has always been very amazing. The most outstanding person in this world is him. I watched how he was provided supplies on the basketball court like a victor. I found even the sweat rolling down his face very sexy. That healthy, energetic, brilliant him leaves me only capable of pressing on my rotting heart in the classroom shadows — how I wish I could monopolize him, how I wish I could have him. To keep him in captivity, and lock him in a cage that belongs only to me. So that only I alone can see him, only I alone can touch him, only I alone can have him…

The door suddenly opened and he barged in with a half-drank bottle of water. He didn’t seem to have noticed me at the corner. He threw that bottle into the bin, took his school bag and ran out. I rummaged through the bin for that bottle, so overjoyed that even I wanted to scorn myself. There was no helping it. There was no helping it for a long while now. I’m already long incorrigible. I licked the mouth of the bottle, drunk as if I was kissing his lips. I must have turned completely messed up long ago…

……

XX August 2009

I didn’t expect that I’d survive to write this diary entry. I’m very clear that their gaze on me was like they were looking at a dead person. Filled with their opinionated pity. And in their eyes, other than “this is a miracle”, they only felt the pleasure that “I’ve borne witness to this miracle”. Then, it’ll immediately turn into pity and sympathy. How dull.

Yes. I still struggled to live on. In the countless seconds that passed earlier, I constantly thought I would die in the next second, but I still lived, unwilling to give up. Because I don’t want to die. Idon’twanttodieIdon’twanttodieIdon’twanttodie… (This was written for three pages) … I don’t want to die. If I die, I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. If I die, I won’t be able to hear his voice anymore. If I die, I won’t be able to breathe in the same air as him anymore. If I die— he’ll forget about me, won’t he. (A smudged water stain)

So, I don’t want to die. I still can’t die. I still want to look at his smile with my eyes more, to hear his voice with my ears, to breathe the same air as him with my nose, to speak his name with my mouth, to draw him with my hand, to remember him with my heart. Forever. I’m very greedy. I’m really very greedy. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to lose him. Even though I’ve never once had him.

The me who had attempted suicide in the past was such an imbecile. I want him. I really do want him. We are one. I can’t bear to part with him. I can’t bear it at all. I’m not greedy enough to hope I can have him. I only want to live on. To live on just to look at him…

……

XX February 2010

I finally obtained permission to leave the hospital, but because of their work inefficiency, school had already ended for a while by the time I reached school. Only the student on duty was left in the classroom, wiping the blackboard. I practically couldn’t believe my eyes. I saw his and my name written on the blackboard. Those are the names of the students on duty tomorrow. Normally, two students with close student IDs would be allocated together. My student ID and his are a long distance away, and would practically never be allocated together. From what the student on duty said, the person who was supposed to be my partner tomorrow had been sick, so he swapped with him. I really am horrid. I even began to pray for my partner to be ill more often.

I like him so much. I like him enough that just seeing the two names written together made me so ecstatic that I could die. I let that student go home. Then, in the empty classroom, I wiped the blackboard clean. Carefully, cautiously, with every stroke of my hand, I wrote down his and my name with my own hand:

Wu Zhi, Ye Qingling.

After I drew a frame around the two names, I stared at the two circled names in bliss, tears almost streaming down my cheeks.

Wu Zhi, Ye Qingling, Wu Zhi, Ye Qingling…

Wu Zhi, Wu Zhi, Wu Zhi, do you know? In this world, there’s someone called Ye Qingling who likes him so much that he could die.

……

The black leather notebook emitted a light thump as it dropped on the floor. Wu Zhi watched it fall in a daze. He might have opened Pandora’s box, or maybe, what he held in his hands was Bluebeard’s key. The notebook on the floor had flipped to the final page. Ye Qingling’s pretty and proper handwriting formed the final sentence: Wu Zhi, am I worthy of having you?

Creak—

Wu Zhi looked up. The owner of the diary stood at the doorway. Ye Qingling looked at the stupefied Wu Zhi. His gaze shifted down until he glimpsed that black leather notebook. In that very instant, a faint red flashed across Ye Qingling’s pupils. Wu Zhi saw Ye Qingling look up. His jet black strands refracted purple, a smile oddly beautiful to the utmost appeared on his snow white face. That person’s pale lips opened softly, forming the same question in the diary: “ Wu Zhi, am I worthy of having you?”

Translator Note

[1] 我能得到你吗？is more literally, “could I have you”, but this reads awkward in English, especially in this context, so we did a more interpretive take on this line.

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