V3C10

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Day after day of opening his eyes, Xie Zhi An suddenly heard the sound of clothes being rustled. Just as he was about to lift his head up to smile and say something, he only heard the other person lightly call out to him, “Quack”.

Although it was clearly buried within the most deepest parts of his memories, this one sound had made Xie Zhi An no more clearly realize he wasn’t as happy[1] as he seemed on the surface. He even had a feeling of being unable to suppress himself and wanted lift his hand to touch the other person.

The subtle sounds came closing in, as though he could feel Fu Yuan was by his side, but he could not touch, nor could he see. He could only listen- listen to the other’s voice to determine the other person’s position, or perhaps what they were doing.

With the sound of clothing finely rustling, Xie Zhi An thought that person should be in front of himself.

He pretended to be relaxed, and smiled, “Where did you go- it’s been a long time. Unfortunately, I can’t see anything at all right now.”

And can’t see you.

Unable to feel out anything, this kind of feeling had made Xie Zhi An particularly uneasy, and even a bit fearful; the other person had not let out a sound for a long time, making him both confused and scared, his voice was a bit panicked and was extremely soft, “Fu Yuan, are you still there?”

“I am here.”

The other person’s breathing seemed to a bit heavy, but Xie Zhi An did not know what kind of expression Fu Yuan was making at the moment, or what he was doing. He could only hear sounds of wind, and Fu Yuan’s voice, “I am here, don’t be afraid.”

The emotions bottled up these few months at that moment came out in heaps like a flood of water- even though he could not feel anything, Xie Zhi An felt like his own tears slipped out of his eyes. He exerted himself to open up his eyes, wanting to be able to look at this person through a sliver of light within the darkness, but alas, he was unable to. He could only lightly respond, “I’m not afraid.”

The rustling wind lessened a little bit. Other than the sound of rustling clothes within close distance, there was also a slight sound of making contact with roof tiles.

He thought, Fu Yuan must have lifted him onto some ease off somewhere.

Once he thought the distance between him and the other person was very close, Xie Zhi An’s heart could not help but move restlessly, and even had some sort of illusion of his face heating up.

“We’ve arrived.”

It seemed that a long time had passed by. Within the darkness, it was as though Fu Yuan was the only one left. It seemed like other person wanted to tell him about everything that he could see. He said, “Quack, guess where you are right now?”

Xie Zhi An shook his head, and the other person bitterly laughed, “I already forgot, you can’t see anything right now. I think, if you were able to see again, you would definitely like it.”

He wanted to tell the other person, if he were to say that, he would definitely like it. Xie Zhi An listened to the sounds to determine the direction, and slightly nodded his head toward Fu Yuan. His lips slightly pursed, and the corners of his mouth slightly raised up, “Then how about you tell me what there is, then I’ll imagine it. Perhaps I really will like it.”

The sound of rustling clothes and a heavy object making contact with roof tiles had made Xie Zhi An a bit afraid, but he felt that the other person should have placed him on the ease and stood up.

“Here, there are flowers, plants and trees as far as the eyes can see, where one can see the clear tens of thousands of miles of lakes and rivers. Normally, there are quite a lot of people here, who like to chirp around, and have their own way of doing things- but right now it’s very late, so they probably returned to rest already.”

“When I went to find you, it was right at nightfall. The dusk at the Doctors’ Valley is quite pretty, but I still feel that the most prettiest is the sky here- big and small stars would cover the entire sky, bright and sparkling, and there is also a round moon.”

As he listened to Fu Yuan chatter away, Xie Zhi An painted the scenery he described in his mind: In the day, the sky was lit, clouds would float about in the sky, where the hills and water were beautiful[2], and the people that would come and go down the pathway would laugh and play, quarrelling and fighting noisily as well.

He had also thought, here, he would be able to go with Fu Yuan and hold hands, leave their footprints here, and step through the mountain waters.

The stars in the night sky were extremely beautiful, all shining about, but Xie Zhi An felt that the most brightest should be Fu Yuan’s eyes- the most good-looking perhaps was this person.

“Fu Yuan.” Xie Zhi An called out to the other person, lightly, “Can you tell me, what you look like now?”

The other person stayed silent for a moment, and at last, told him, “It’s the look when you thought I looked best.”

The best looking he saw….. Then it ought to be when the Fu Yuan when he was wearing the same style of marriage garments as himself. A head of black hair tied up with a red hair tie, with the outline of his face like being finely chiselled keenly, and the thick brows as sharp as a blade slanting upwards with the pair of phoenix eyes[3] rising up underneath it, glancing at him with eyes carrying lethargy and affection inside, while the corners of his mouth slightly raised up, that kind of look…… Was truly good-looking.

Xie Zhi An lightly laughed out loud, and the corners of his mouth tried to contain itself yet was unable to be restrain itself from rising upwards.

“What is it?”

Even though he clearly could not see anything, he would always exert himself to open his eyes to look at the other person. Xie Zhi An shook his head, “It’s nothing, I only feel that, how could you possibly be that good-looking.”

“It’s possible. As long as you imagine it, it’s all possible.”

Xie Zhi An laughed without another word, but the inside of his heart was in agony.

How would it be possible- how could Fu Yuan possibly be like inside his dream, carrying affection for himself in his eyes?

“Fu Yuan, send me back inside my house.”

After a moment of silence, Fu Yuan lowly spoke, “Alright.”

As though the wind was blowing by, after a good while, Xie Zhi An heard Fu Yuan say that they’ve arrived. He did not know what kind of expression he had at the moment facing the other person, and did not know if they had placed himself onto the bed.

Without hearing a single sound, Xie Zhi An lightly knitted his brows, and thought his hearing had disappeared, and subconsciously asked in fear, “Fu Yuan?”

“I’m still here.”

Not a moment longer, he heard the other person say, “I’ll wait for you to fall asleep, then I’ll leave.”

Xie Zhi An’s heart slightly calmed down, “Can you talk with me? If you don’t say anything, I would feel you aren’t there.”

“Okay.”

In the former silent night, only Fu Yuan’s voice talking remained- Xie Zhi An would listen, and imagine the other person gently sitting by the bed, slightly lowering his head engrossed in looking at him, with his voice calmly talking with him.

Xie Zhi An would always feel that this kind of scene was a bit familiar.

Fu Yuan’s voice gradually grew smaller, and he would feel drowsiness gradually rise up. He was a bit nervous, and subconsciously called out the other person’s name.

He faintly seemed to have heard the other person lightly say he was here. He lifted his hand wanting to grab onto the other person, but he didn’t even know whether he touched the other person or not. He closed his eyes, and striked up his courage and lightly said, “Fu Yuan, I like you.”

The inside of the house was still for a very long time, yet Xie Zhi An did not hear the other person’s answer. He lightly laughed.

Perhaps Fu Yuan left, or perhaps it was too awkward and he didn’t want to embarrass him, so he didn’t make a sound?

But after thinking and thinking, Xie Zhi An felt extremely hurt. It seemed that it was the first time in his life he liked a person this much, but there was only a beginning but no end[4]– even a word of rejection, under their relationship, could not bear to open their mouth to say it.

He felt as though after laughing and laughing, he ended up crying. But when his hand touched his face, he could not feel any marks of dampness.

He had already forgot- he was already a disabled person.

Xie Zhi An sunk[5] into his own darkness, never …… never…… never again able to see that little bit of light.

[1] Literally, light breeze and not many clouds, a nice day.

[2] Expression simply means that the scenery is very beautiful, elegant.

[3] One of many shapes of eyes- this one in particular is for eye shapes where the far corners of the eyes rise up.

[4] Also means to begin well but end badly.

[5] Also can be read as, lost/immersed/deep in (thought).

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