V3C9

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After returning from the trip, Xie Zhi An’s body was not in a good condition. At the time, he got off the carriage and also got chilled, and when he arrived back at the Doctors’ valley, the cold came in too quick, so he got sick and fainted in the next moment.

Within the dizziness, he felt that he seemed to have seen a lot of dreams, but also felt like he didn’t dream anything at all. The colour of red filled the skies, and although he could not clearly see the faces of the people coming and going, he could still feel the joy coming from them. He felt it was unlike when he was getting married, because in his heart, there was also some concealed happiness.

He seemed to have also dreamt of Fu Yuan wearing the same kind of marriage garment as himself- the other person would smile towards him, and even sit at eases with him to gaze at the stars.

Such a beautiful dream- when Xie Zhi An woke up, he noticed the haggard expressions on his senior sister and his father. When he thought back to the dream he had before waking up, the sense of guilt immediately rushed forth. He thought- he should to treat his senior sister nicely.

He really wanted to, but the cold was just like the beginning- his body kept on getting weaker and weaker, and he would constantly faint. In the end, he could not even get out the door. If there was even a slightest breeze, it would make him so sick it was beyond curing[1]. As someone who was about to die, seeing his father and senior sister busying about because of himself, concerned and afraid, he would always feel apologetic.

Originally, he had still thought- even without Fu Yuan, he could go around the Doctors’ Valley and save those ordinary folk with his senior sister, but looking at things now, he could not even save himself.

Afraid that he would feel cooped up by himself inside the room, his father caught a yellowbird from somewhere and put it in a cage, and leaft it in his room to give him a diversion. But he had felt that this yellowbird was just like him, trapped in this place, with no way to leave.

In the beginning, this yellowbird would still call out, but later on, the chirping became a bit weak. Its sound wouldn’t even be as crisp as he heard in the beginning. Gradually, its voice disappeared, and that little bird would be sick in the cage, and instigate its own head.

Xie Zhi An could not look on. He opened the yellowbird’s cage while no one looked, and opened the window to let the bird out.

Perhaps it had been a long time since it last flew- its movements were a bit out of practice. In the beginning, it fell to the ground, but the yellowbird would flap its wings once again, flying higher and higher, and in the end, it gradually disappeared off within the span of blue.

He also wanted to be like this bird, and escape from this cage.

That night, Xie Zhi An yet again caught a cold, and his body’s poison flared up with it. Along with the body’s fragility, the pain brought on by the toxicity would also become greater. Even towards the end, he felt he could not endure it, that even his vision of the curtains were all hazy as well.

It seemed as though at some point in time, he was also like this- in so much pain that he felt numb, but also felt that his consciousness was oddly clear too.

He could feel his senior sister’s tears, and his father’s anxiousness. He could distinctly hear each and every sentence, and every word they spoke.

He wanted to tell his father that was putting together medicine to give up on him. He already did not want to become a burden on him.

That’s right- he had seen with his own eyes his father’s crow black head of hair gradually layer with threads of silver, and his appearance turn more and more haggard; as for his senior sister, the fine, young woman gradually thinned out, unable to make out the slightest charm she bore on the day of marriage.

All because of him.

Thanks to the various hard-to-obtain medicines within the Doctors’ Valley, he still managed to hang on to his life, but right now, Xie Zhi An could not even get out of bed- he could only look at the curtains up top, and imagine what the starry sky looked like right now outside the house.

He didn’t know why he would think like this- only that the him in his memories, would always look up at that sky, without knowing why he would always look at those stars, and not know who he wanted to watch it with.

As though just drifting by, Xie Zhi An listlessly laid on the bed, listened to those subtle sounds day and night, and those never-changing people.

These kinds of days, were just too dreadful.

He also wanted to get out of bed and walk around, but gradually, his legs began to be feel weak, up until there was absolutely no feeling to it. The fear of losing his five senses gradually entangled him- one day, when Xie Zhi An was drinking bitter medicine, the usual taste of harsh bitterness that made it hard for people to bear had completely disappeared. Unresigned, he took another sip, only to discover he really lost the sense of taste.

He threw out the bowl of medicine in his hand, laughed within the crisp sound. The sound of laughter became louder and louder, until in the end when he immediately started coughing up blood.

Right now, he didn’t even have a way kill himself. Ever since he had that kind of intention, his father and senior sister would take turns to look after him day and night, never leaving him alone, afraid that he would pass away in a blink of an eye.

He also wanted to cry, to vent, but they would be unfazed by such actions, and use an unbearable expression to watch as he was tormented by the small chills.

First was taste, then slowly, was touch. On a certain day after waking up, Xie Zhi An was stunned after feeling around- when he wanted to move, only then he found out not only was it the feet, but the entire body had lost all sensation. The entire person was unable to move a single bit, and could only stiffen his head, and quietly look at the white curtains.

It was very much like the white curtains of a mourning hall. He had even thought through it- if Fu Yuan were to come back and find out he was no longer here, would his heart also have a sliver of grievance as a friend?

He did not know. He felt that he also had no way to find out either.

His father and senior sister scoured through medical books, but were unable to get rid of the poison in his body; the toxicity spread around, and even his sickness also gradually settled into his body, able to take away his life at any moment.

These days would encroach on his spirit. Not long after, Xie Zhi An looked to be even more thin that the two that were busying around, with a pair of lifeless eyes without vigour, arms and legs that after a long time of lying around had completely contracted, his face an incomparable pale white, and his lips dry and cracked, without colour.

How could one envision Doctor Xie’s original appearance that was like scene after the rain stopped and clouds cleared[2].

Although they knew he could not come down, they still took away all the mirrors in his room.

With the doors and windows closed, the inside of the house was all gloomy. The only thing that could prove he was still alive, was being able to listen to the subtle sounds outside the house- from the roof, the sparrows happily chirping, the sound of tree branches swaying with the wind, as well as his father and senior sister’s quiet conversations, or the creaking of the door being pushed open…… His senior sister held a bowl of medicine and walked to his side, and gently called to him, “Husband, it’s time to drink medicine.”

He could not see anything at all, and could only rely on the direction of the sound to slightly smile toward his senior sister, “Alright.”

He could no longer feel out anything, could not see, not smell, nor taste anything…… Xie Zhi An hid in this cage of complete darkness[3], and felt his five senses gradually disappear day by day, and clearly experience the feeling of his life being slowly seeped out.

“Senior sister, I want to see the scenery outside the house- help me open the window- just a while, okay?”

Although he could not see anything, even if it was to go out and take a breath of fresh air, it would be alright.

“Your body is more important- you will still have a chance to.”

Did he still have a chance to?

Xie Zhi An closed his eyes, and smiled to reveal a small dimple, and let the other person not notice anything amiss. He said, “Alright.”

He knew, he no longer had a chance.

This time, he could not see anything- next time, he would probably not be able to hear anything.

When he was a doctor, when he came across a patient that could not be saved, he could only let the person pass on; but the him at present, only discovered this occasion of waiting to die was truly not a good experience.

[1] Literally, disease has spread to the vital organs (hopeless)

[2] Broadminded, open, bright and clear (like the moon) and pure.

[3] 暗无天日- Literally, dark, without daylight. The term can also be used to describe corruption in politics, or be read as total absence of justice.

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