Chapter 1 - Prologue

Trigger warning: brief description of suicide

Wen Yang is dead, but I can never forget the fed up and disgusted expression in his eyes as he looked at me for the last time, as if I was some shameful and filthy thing.

But what gives him the right? Just because I am what he regards as a disgusting homosexual?

Perhaps others can have this thought, but Wen Yang cannot. I’ve loved him for so many years and squandered all my passion and devotion for him. Why and for what reasons can he treat me like this now…?

Even if I caused his death, that’s also… also because Wen Yang has always been reluctant to love me. I’ve waited for such a long time, but I really cannot endure it any longer. I love him so much, but he simply can’t see the good qualities I possess.

They said I was the only heir to the Qin family, and as long as I succeeded the family’s inheritance, my net worth could be over 100 million. They said that I, Qin Shan, with my dignified and grand appearance, is a young talent who’s hard to come by. They said there are countless men and women who will wholeheartedly admire and fall in love with me, but it is just Wen Yang who can’t differentiate between good from bad.

You see, everyone says that.

Except for the fact that I am not a woman, what part of me is not worthy of him? Why is he unable to like me?

So what if Wen Yang can start a company on his own? In the end, it failed, didn’t it? His father and younger brother even worked together to suppress him. It’s clear that his life was unsuccessful…

Is it truly like that though?

No, no it’s not… They are all bad people. It’s Wen He who gave me drugs. He said with this, Wen Yang would be obedient…

I… Didn’t I also have the same thoughts? Who let Wen Yang continue to only say things to anger, scold, or underestimate me? I just wanted to hear him say something nice to me…

Have him say that he loves me…

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But ultimately, he told me he was tired. He vehemently wished to never see me again, even in his next life.

Why, even in the end, does he still refuse to love me? If he didn’t love me, then why did he treat me so well initially? It was him who tempted me and made me solely have him in my eyes and in my heart. I obstinately and obsessively loved him my entire life, and yet he still tells me he does not like me.

Why is he so unwilling to love me? In this world, there is no one who will love him more than I do. Sooner or later, he will come to regret it…

He will definitely regret it…

However, Wen Yang is dead. He cannot possibly regret anything. I suddenly realized this, and my whole body began to quiver uncontrollably. I was enveloped with a wave of fear and loss, so much so that I curled myself into a ball.

The people walking past gestured and pointed in my direction. I observed my surroundings, and noticed a grass lawn with medical staff coming and going in small groups of two and three. Not too far in the distance, there was a high wall to close off the perimeter. Is this a hospital?

Why am I at this place?

NO! This isn’t a hospital! I remember now! It was that cripple Qin Yuan who said I went crazy, so as a result, my despicable father actually threw me into a psychiatric ward!

That self-righteous 1 liar! If it weren’t for him, how could I have done such a thing to Wen Yang?! It’s all because of him… He caused all of this damage to happen… It’s all because I robbed his position as heir. But does he not use his brain to THINK? If it wasn’t for his broken leg, how can that old geezer even take me, an illegitimate son, back into the family?

As a result, he went as far as to take revenge against me. He deceptively got close to me and treated me well. However, not only did he harm Wen Yang, he also had me thrown here to be locked up with a bunch of lunatics all day!

No! I can’t stay here! I have to leave and find Wen Yang… find Wen Yang to explain clearly! It wasn’t me; it was all Qin Yuan, Qin Yuan tricked me! It was also Wen He, Wen He misled me! None of this was ever my intention!

I don’t know how long I remained balled up for, but my feet had been numbed long enough for them to lose feeling, and my mind was heavy and muddled. Finally, I waited until it was time for the security guard by the door to switch personnel.

All of a sudden, I ferociously bolted outside. My entire body was numbed stiff and my mind was blank, but I must get out of here.

I desperately ran, hearing the sounds of chasing and yelling behind me. I can’t let them catch me and take me back; otherwise, I will never be able to get out and find Wen Yang.

I still have things to tell Wen Yang. I have to let him know, or else even if I die, I won’t be in peace.

I have to tell him that I was wrong, and I won’t ever force him again. If he doesn’t love me, then he doesn’t have to love me. I just want him to live well.

I swear I will be true to my words this time. I can pay whatever the price, even if that price is life. I ruined his everything, so I am willing to compensate with my entire life to make up for it.

I wholeheartedly understand my wrongs.

But where was Wen Yang?

Where are you?

Wen Yang…

Wen Yang… seems to be dead! …. I caused him to die…

That day, I was by his side, and I saw him unwaveringly plunge the knife straight into his own chest.

He died… How could he have died? If he’s dead, that means he could no longer hear my remorse and repentance.

Dismayed, I stopped in horror.

“Be careful!”

The long cry of a whistle. .. It was the last sound I heard before a cloud of darkness descended upon me.

Translator’s Comments:

It’s my first translation project ever, and I picked a super angsty novel… :’) I guess you can say I have great taste 😂😭😭… Prepare to suffer with me!

Thank you for your support! <3

Footnotes

“道貌岸然” (dào mào àn rán) Chinese idiom. Means “sanctimonious, holier than thou, attitude of moral superiority”