Chapter 2 - Rebirth

“Shi Shan…”

Hearing that voice, I was unexpectedly stunned for a while. Then, I realized that I had yet to enter the Qin household; therefore, I was addressed by the name I’ve despised for over 20 years.

Shi Shan… Thirteen 1 … I wondered countless times why my mother gave me such a name in the first place, but right now, I was simply delighted to hear it.

The month of March is full of intense sunshine, yet lacking in warmth from the wind intertwining with a trace of chill.

I subconsciously touched my chest and felt a beating heart underneath my warm skin. Fortunately, I’m still alive… Fortunately, there’s still time for everything.

“Where have you been? Why are you always going out these past two days?” Guo Yu asked, as he scurried in front of me.

Guo Yu is my roommate. He always has a crew cut hairstyle and is roughly the same height as me, but has a stronger and more built physique. He is slightly tan, wears a charismatic smile, enjoys making people laugh, and has a very likeable character.

I smiled at him and replied, “I just went to an interview.”

After I woke up from slumber, I found myself out of the car accident that should have happened and lying safely in my family home instead. I spent such a long time attempting to process this reality that the whole winter vacation passed by in a muddled haze. Only when it was time for school to begin again did I realize it was close to graduation, and I had yet to find an internship.

“You went to another interview? How do you feel-…? Oh~… I didn’t see it at first, but San’er 2 , you look quite impressive when you wear a suit. Jiang Man certainly wasn’t mistaken; your appearance gives off this aura that can bring a country and its people to ruin!” 3

For the interview, I had a casual suit especially custom made. Although it was done at an ordinary tailor shop, the cut of the suit was well-fitted according to my requirements.

I pushed away Guo Yu’s outstretched hands which were clawing my direction and scolded, “What country and people did I bring ruin to? If I really had that ability, I would first and foremost enact castration to punish you.”

Feigning distress, Guo Yu stiffened and asked, “Why? I thought you just wanted to cut my tongue off. When did you come up with additional demands?”

I looked at him with an amusing smile, “Why would I do something like cut off your tongue? On the contrary, once you become a eunuch, you’d naturally know how to speak properly.”

“Empress, spare my life! This lowly servant’s ancestors are three generations of single-…”

Before he got the chance to finish, I hurled a slap at him saying, “Stop messing around. Come on, let’s go back.”

It’s already the second semester of senior year, so naturally, lectures have also concluded. Everyone started to hunt for jobs and internships while waiting to defend their dissertation and graduate in June. As a result, the fourth-year dormitory hallways have been empty quite frequently.

“Yu Mingjie said his boss is stingy as hell! He put expired coffee in the pantry for them to drink, and in these three months, the company didn’t even once have a formal dinner! It was all privately arranged and organized on their own accord.” Guo Yu chattered incessantly to me.

As I fished out the keys to open the dormitory room door, I replied, “You can tell him to switch companies. With his current skill set…”

My words cut off abruptly the moment the door opened, a smile frozen on my face.

No matter how many scenarios I have imagined for when we meet again, the moment when that person stands in front of you alive once more, you realize there is simply no time to think or react. Instantly, I felt every drop of blood and inch of flesh begin to boil relentlessly, burning until my entire body down to my bones ached in pain.

…Shi Shan, why do you still not understand? It’s impossible for us.

…I don’t ever want to see you again. LEAVE!

…If you dare touch Yang Xuan, I will make you suffer twice as much.

…Let’s never see each other again in the next life.

You are clearly standing this close to me, yet it seems as if we are separated by tens of thousands of mountains.

An outstanding youth. Refined, handsome, intelligent, like a pine tree standing proud. No words can price his value. With his resolute and eye-catching appearance, your eyes can’t help but be scorched raw.

“What’s the matter? Aren’t you going inside?” Guo Yu asked, puzzled as he squeezed through the door. “Oh, Wen Yang is back! Why so early? I assumed you were going to wait until your dissertation defense.”

Wen Yang put down the things he was organizing, looked over to our direction, and grinned, “Naturally, I came to see if you were bullying San’er. While I’m at it, I might as well see whether or not you caused trouble like stabbed a hole in the sky 4 .”

I followed Guo Yu inside, only feeling a ringing echo in my head. My feet absent-mindedly floated themselves into my usual spot while I made a conscious effort to suppress my incessantly trembling hands. I felt unable to control my own body, so much so that I didn’t dare speak a word. No matter how much mental preparation I tried to build up beforehand, once I saw Wen Yang again, I was still completely and utterly defenseless 5 .

Guo Yu sneered with discontent, “Your heart is so biased, only San’er is your real roommate. Everybody else, we’re just the unwanted freebies given to you when you charge your phone card 6 .”

I heard Wen Yang laugh and say, “Which business hall is that bad at doing business? 7 .”

Just then, I sensed Wen Yang’s eyes looking my way. My body stiffened instantly.

He said, “Though we haven’t seen each other in a few days, our San’er has gotten more handsome.” in his consistently gentle and deep voice. I can imagine the lifted corners of his lips, a smile sprinkling across his face; his appearance resembling the sunshine in spring, with a captivating tenderness.

If I can, I don’t want to say a single word. Facing Wen Yang right now, I can’t even speak normally without strenuous exhaustion.

I secretly took a breath. Trying to maintain my previous tone of voice, I responded, “Really? I think so too.” However, what came out of my mouth still sounded very unnatural, and my voice carried a faint tremor.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling uncomfortable?” Weng Yang asked, slightly knitting his eyebrows with concern.

Guo Yu also came closer to look, “Shouldn’t be. He was doing just fine a moment ago.”

I couldn’t help but turn my head away, forced out a smile and lied, “It’s nothing. My internship hasn’t been determined yet, so I am just a little worried.” Seeing him face to face once more, my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat again. Today, he wore a white linen dress shirt and rolled up the cuffs to his elbows for more convenience while working. After he stood up, all of him appeared even more straightforwardly handsome. His well-kept, fresh, and radiating brilliance could cause people to suffocate.

Guo Yu didn’t understand, asking, “Huh? You’re anxious about this still? Our advisor gave you a recommendation before, but you turned it down. I assumed you already had an even better option.”

Where is there a better option? The reason why I initially refused was because I thought about helping out at Wen Yang’s company. Later, I found out Wen Yang never had such intentions from the beginning to the end.

I suppose this counts as one of the reasons why I was angry with Wen Yang originally. I couldn’t understand why he started his business with his childhood friends Guan Lei and Liang Mi, but disregarded me, who just wanted to offer my help. I didn’t care about taking a share of company stocks, nor did I care for a certain salary, status or so-called “special treatment.” Yet, I was still met with his rejection.

Only now in hindsight, I know not to tangle with the past anymore. Wen Yang puts in a lot of thought and consideration before he does anything. Once he does make a decision, very few people can change his mind. I just need to be someone who won’t go and disturb him.

“It’s rare for you to have a moment of low self-confidence.” Wen Yang walked over, leaned against the cabinet door, and rubbed my head. “Relax, if it really turns out that you didn’t get the position, then it’ll count as their loss.”

I felt his touch and movement on the top of my head, and right away, my whole body turned rigid. In my heart, I sighed, and thought: it’s just a pity that it wouldn’t be your loss.

“Hmm?” Maybe because I seemed a bit absent-minded, so Wen Yang slightly bowed his head and raised his hand, about to place it on my shoulder.

I subconsciously avoided his touch. My unexpected movement shocked not only Wen Yang, but also myself. I smiled to remedy the situation and said, “How can it be so easy? The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Even if I am brimming with talent and as handsome as Pan An 8 , I might incite the jealousy of others, and I would still be at wit’s end, unable to do anything about it. You have to know that this world is full of those who discriminate against good-looking people.”

Wen Yang’s actions were perfectly normal. Guo Yu also frequently puts his arm around my shoulder, and usually I’m indifferent to this gesture. On the contrary, when Wen Yang does the same thing, I would always misconstrue it to be a hint that he likes me.

When I think back to that now, my muddled mentality made such a mess of the narrative. Was I sick with a lovestruck idiot disease or a narcissistic prince disease? 9

Guo Yu jumped over and yelled, “San’er, don’t feel crushed. Come, receive the teachings of this evil demon. Follow me everyday to parade our good looks, and you’ll give up caring amidst the commotion.”

Wen Yang raised his eyebrow, looked over at Guo Yu and smirked, “What? Are you criticizing? Could it be you’re saying our San’er isn’t talented and attractive enough?”

Guo Yu put a hand on his chest, widening his eyes to appear as if he received a psychological blow. With an extremely aggrieved voice, he lamented, “How can I, a lowly servant, even compare to this vixen 10 ? Why must you always side with him about everything?”

Wen Yang clutched his chest and laughed without restraint, “Your beauty is of a lower class. Not as good-looking as my family’s San’er.”

“Sob sob… It’s as they say, who can hear the cries of the ex-lover when you can listen to the laughter of your new love? You… How can you treat me like this? Don’t you know? Don’t you know that this lowly maid has already… has already been pregnant with your child?”

……

Guo Yu is really too fond of acting. To him, everywhere is his stage. Seeing a rough man, standing at almost 1.8 meters 11 , imitating a little girl’s pampered attitude is honestly too amusing.

Where ever he is, the sound of laughter will always follow. I didn’t think so before, but now I envy his optimism and freedom. It seems as if he eternally has not a single worry in the world.

A part of the troubles in my life originated with my family, but the majority of it is rooted in the pain and hardship of being gay. I have always been at loss regarding this fact I cannot change. As a result, I had that gloomy temperament in my previous life and faced such a miserable ending.

“Sob sob… you have no conscience!” Guo Yu was still poking Wen Yang with orchid flower fingers 12 . On the other hand, Wen Yang had a dark look on his face, regretting his past deeds and wondering why he has to continue this topic of discussion.

Finally, Guo Yu’s phone rang, and Guo Yu’s womanly and sultry voice automatically transformed into a tender and gentlemanly intonation.

"

"

“Mhm, I’m chatting with my roommates. Sigh– we’re going to graduate, of course there’s going to be a sense of loss on what to do. I’m helping to ease their anxiety.”

“I’m not busy; I’ve said all I needed to say. I explained my reasoning very clearly, so it’s now up to them to comprehend it.”

“Oh stop it, it’s nothing. I am just a bit more mature and confident, so they depend on me a little.”

“Don’t laugh, okay then, I’ll go look for you. Darling, wait for me…”

No matter how entangled my emotions were, whenever I came across Guo Yu, I would end up not knowing whether to laugh or cry at his funny and annoying antics. In the past, I went as far as to be envious of his closeness with Wen Yang. Although my face didn’t show it, I couldn’t help but use words to stifle him speechless. However, the other person always had a strong mental state, did and said whatever he wished, and never took to heart or bickered about the things I said. If it wasn’t for my rebirth, I wouldn’t have reflected on my past repulsive behavior.

“You cheating couple 13 … This lord 14 here will serve you no longer. I must go find and comfort my lady.” Guo Yu easily fixed up his look to get ready, grabbed his wallet and phone, then directly headed out.

We live in a four-person dorm room. Guo Yu left, and Yu Mingjie hasn’t come back yet, so that left Wen Yang and me alone in the dorm. I felt a little dazed, so I forced myself to calmly turn on my computer, pretending to look up information.

Wen Yang didn’t go back to his seat yet. He leaned his back against the closet, tilted his head towards me and asked, “Did something happen recently? Are you in a bad mood?”

I turned my head, replying nonchalantly, “There’s nothing.”

Wen Yang smiled and rubbed my head again, “You don’t want to pay attention to me, and I received not a single phone call from you. You still want to say there’s nothing wrong? Tell me, what’s been bothering you?”

Wen Yang self-proclaims that he understands me, but he never knew of the dirty and immoral feelings I had for him all this time. To say this in a different way, as a normal straight man, who would even think in that direction?

I remember in my last life, I felt uncontrollable happiness whenever I saw Wen Yang, and I would miss him for long periods of time because I could not bear our next separation. Under the warmth of his tenderness and concern, I couldn’t restrain myself and confessed for a short while.

As a consequence, I tasted the flavor of falling from paradise.

Translator’s Comments:

Holy sh*t this was a long chapter. If I have to find one more synonym to describe how handsome the ML is… I’m gonna lose it lol

Luckily the next one isn’t as long, so hopefully I can get it done soon.

Thank you for your support! <3

Footnotes

“十三” (shí sān), means thirteen in Chinese. It is a homonym of MC’s name, “石杉” (shí shān) (Just a difference of one letter between “sān” and “shān” in pinyin/pronunciation.) This is important because MC’s nickname is based on the Chinese pronunciation of thirteen “十三” which will be mentioned later. “三儿” (sān er) Literally translates to “little three.” It is MC’s nickname based on “十三” (shí sān), the homonym to MC’s name meaning thirteen that was explained in footnote 1. “祸国殃民” (huò guó yāng mín) Chinese idiom. Literally “to destroy one’s country and cause suffering/bring calamity to its people.”; this can be a way to say that MC looks dangerously handsome, to the point that he can bring down a nation (or something along those lines). “天有没有被你捅个窟窿” (tiān yǒu méiyǒu bèi nǐ tǒng gè kūlóng) Literally “see if you did or did not poke a hole in the sky,” but to my best understanding of the context, I believe they’re trying to say “whether or not you’ve caused trouble/brought down the universe/set the world on fire.” I incorporated both my understanding of it and the direct translation for ease of understanding and to stay close to the words of the author. “溃不成军” (kuì bù chéng jūn) Chinese idiom. Means “troops in battle becoming scattered and breaking their formation so they’re unable to defend or fight back.” “我们都是充话费送的” (wǒmen dōu shì chōng huàfèi sòng de’) is what the author wrote. Again, I incorporated the author’s words and the meaning I understood it to be as. The literal translation is “We are what is gifted when you charge your phone card.” I took the meaning to be “unwanted” or “we are just an eyesore to you” because usually the free stuff you get from that is kind of useless, but at least it was free. “哪个营业厅这么不会做生意？” (nǎge yíngyè tīng zhème bù huì zuò shēngyì?) Continuing with the charging phone card analogy. My understanding of it is that Wen Yang is saying the phone company is bad at doing business since they’re giving terrible free gifts (in this context, the terrible free gifts are the other roommates) for charging a phone card. “潘安” (pān ān) is the name of a talented man who lived in the Western Jin dynasty of ancient China. Most notably known for his intelligence and attractive face. Considered one of the first in Chinese history to be a “美男子” (měi nánzǐ), a beautiful man, a bishounen. “这究竟算花痴病还是王子病?” (zhè jiùjìng suàn huā chī bìng háishì wángzǐ bìng?) is the original sentence. “花痴病” (huā chī bìng) Literally translates to “flower foolish disease”. It means something like one is infatuated to the point of being stupid or that one is boy crazy. “王子病” (wángzǐ bìng) Literally translates to “prince disease”. It’s a male version of “公主病” (gōngzhǔ bìng) or “princess disease” which essentially is saying one is very narcissistic and self-focused. “狐狸精” (hú lí jīng) Means fox-spirit. Known to be enchanting and bewitching. (Guo Yu calling MC a seductress) about 5ft 10in A hand gesture/pose in traditional chinese dance where the thumb and middle finger are touching at the fingertips, while the rest of the fingers remain slightly curved to look like flower petals.

Picture:

“狗男女” (gǒu nán nǚ) is a phrase used to describe a cheating couple, literally “dog man woman”. In this case, Guo Yu said “狗男男” (gǒu nán nán) or “dog man man” to fit the genders of MC Shi Shan and Wen Yang-both male obviously. “爷” (yé) Literal translation is “grandfather” or “old gentleman.” It can also be used to address a master, lord, sir, or god. Its colloquial use is a way to address oneself as a superior in a usually humorous tone